Disclaimer: We make Saiyuki fan-fiction much as South Pacific tribes once made cargo-cult idols resembling ships that landed on their shores. They didn't expect them to sail, and I don't think anyone will mistake this for Minekura's real stuff.

When Chibis Attack! Part 1

This morning, in the wee hours when I track out into the kitchen in pursuit of food and pills and water, there is a Chibi Sanzo sitting on my kitchen table. It is man-handling a newspaper twice its height, and attempting to light a stick of Pocky.


Still there.

(Oh! She's awake!)

Walk to the fridge in search of food, intent on following the directions on the bottle. "Take With Food", it says, and I will damn well eat!

("Maybe we're invisible)
("How the hell should I know?")

Open the fridge.

Curiously Empty.
Where are my leftovers? Where are the uneaten Shanghai noodles? Where are those ancient cabbage rolls I was secretly hoping would dissapear? Why is there a tiny Son Goku sleeping in my wilted lettuce?

I refuse to do double takes on principle. If I didn't get it the first time, I likely never will.

Change of Plans.
Reach for the rum instead. Check the side of the pill bottle again. Food, not alcohol, is still the required item. Damn.

Milk bottle, reasonably fresh? Coffee whitener is probably safer, despite aluminum and trans fats.

Take Whitener. Key Item aquired.

The Itty Bitty Monkey King has been awakened by my extraction procedures, and gives me a vaguely frantic, guilty look. It leaps out of the fridge and runs away, skittering around the corner.

No. That must have been... a rat. A rat in the fridge. That's just gross, not crazy.

Cereal from shelf. Turn to counter, and -
("Good morning! Excuse me, I won't be a minute, just tidying up )
That is not a tiny Cho Hakkai hauling individual plates and cups off of the drying rack with super-derformed hands and lugging them across impossible kitchen landscapes to the cupboards.

Bowl. Fill with Cereal. Add Whitener.
("That's probably not very good for )
Add a little water. Go to table.

"Take With Food", Damnit!


Cereal onto Spoon. ("I'm not at all certain she can see us.") Spoon into mouth. ("So what?") Close lips. Withdraw spoon.

Claim a section of the paper not attached to the miniature monk. Open it. Try to focus eyes.


"Hell Yes." Realise, semi-sub-conciously that my answer is echoed by the mini-monk. Let's pretend I was answering a question from the paper, such as -- "Is the new traffic safety right-sized for the metropolitan area?" Yeah. That deserves my verbal support.

This line of reasoning provides a small distraction from the elaborate array of arcane strings and pullies hoisting a coffee pot and 2 cups onto my kitchen table. Apparently chibi arms and super-deformed hands weren't immediately up to the task.

It takes 2 chibis to sucessfully pour coffee into a mug, Goku having judged the danger to have passed enough to return. The first coffee is immediately confiscated by the Littlest Monk. The second is set in front of my gradually emptying bowl.

Check the side of the pill bottle. Conditions Met. Take one of each, replace bottle lids, set on table, lift coffee cup-
--I could have poured myself a coffee, and just not remember doing it-
--Good Coffee.
I'm too damn lazy to make real coffee in the morning. That's what instant is for. That's the whole purpose of its existence.
"This is not my coffee."

"Oh. No, you see, I got it out of your fridge earlier, which is when Goku got in. I'm sorry about that, by the way --"

"Yeah, sorry. I was stuck, and being stuck makes me hungry --"

Stand up. Return to the fridge.

"Yes, you see, that's where I got the beans --"

"Hakkai, I don't think she can hear you."

"It seems that way, doesn't it..."

Reach for the Rum.

I'm still dreaming, which explains all of this. Obviously. So I just need to wake up, which I will, any moment now. In the mean time...

("Oh well... might as well be useful while we're here...")

I reach for a shot glass. Chibi Hakkai passes by my legs with a little "Excuse me."

The sound of a paper fan smacking the back of a head, and a yelp.
("Don't touch her cereal, you stupid monkey!")

Reach for a juice glass. Fill half way with rum.

My Underwear Waltzes Into the Room.

("Check out these babies)
My underwear skids across the kitchen floor and proceeds to climb a chair leg.
("What do you think you're doing, you perverted Kappa?")

I fill the glass the rest of the way.