The Marauder Chronicles
"I'm sure you realize that because of the severity of your actions I will have to inform your parents." said Dumbledore, his eyes lacking their usual sparkle.
Sirius glared at one of Dumbledore's quills, if looks had any effect on the well being of objects, that poor quill would have shrivelled into ashes. Raising his eyes to the solemn old man, he said through gritted teeth "I didn't think that Sniv- er… Snape would eat the soup, for Merlin's sake it turned blue when the spoon touched it! It wasn't part of the plan for him to get distracted and eat the damn stuff!"
Dumbledore broke in at this point "Mr. Snape seems to think that you had Miss Evans purposely get into a fight with Miss Black to distract him."
Sirius barked a laugh "This is Lily we're talking about! She'd prefer to be locked in a room with a starving manticore, than do anything for me! The plan was, for him to have a moment to realize that his soup had mysteriously turned blue and then the fireworks were going to go off in his face and cover him with blue soup. Nothing bad was supposed to happen… well except for Sni-… Snape being extremely embarrassed."
"I'm sure that you only had 'good' intentions at heart, but because of your prank Mr. Snape is now in the hospital wing, in severe pain and with fire-works going off every time he tries to relieve himself… you find this amusing Mr. Black? I can assure you that this is no laughing matter."
Sirius tried to keep a strait face, but found this impossible, due to images of Snivellus with fire-works coming out his ass. "Sorry professor, I completely agree, awful situation for Snape, send him my er… condolences."
"As I was saying" said Dumbledore, raising an eyebrow "your parents will be contacted, you are dismissed and don't forget your detention tonight with Professor Darkwoods."
At the mention of his parents, Sirius's smile was wiped from his face, to be replaced with a scowl. "Yes sir." Was all he said before turning and stalking from Dumbledore's office.
"Can you believe that Moony? A week of detentions with Darkwood and he's going to contact my parents, all because Snivellus was too stupid to look at his fucking soup!" ranted Sirius, while pacing back and forth across the boys dormitory.
"Well, Padfoot you can't exactly blame Dumbledore. The plan did back-fire rather badly, with really crappy results." replied Remus from his bed, "Stop pacing Padfoot, your going to put a groove in the floor."
Suddenly the door slammed open, making them both jump, as James and Peter came running in.
"I'm so sorry Padfoot old pal; I had no idea that they'd blame you for it!" James panted, dropping down on his bed, "I'd of told them except you started with that whole cover story. Thanks for covering my back."
"Chill Prongs chill, don't get your antlers in a twist. It ain't all that bad, just a detention." Said Sirius throwing himself down beside James.
"That's not what you we saying be-" Remus was silenced with a glare from Sirius that James missed.
Peter sat down in-between Remus's bed and Jame's, "so who's your detention with?" he asked.
"Ugg... Darkwood" said Sirius going into fake convulsions.
"That's horrible!" said Peter "I bet, he'll make you clean out the Potion's bathroom… without magic!"
"Good Godric I hope not! If given a choice between that and death, I'd soooooooo choose death" mused Sirius "But I don't suppose that death will be one of the options."
"Well as interesting as your death will be Padfoot, I want to hear about how Wormtail's encounter with Melinda Kernston." said Remus looking expectantly at Peter.
James inexplicably fell off the bed post where he had been perched, odd gagging noises were heard before he could get to his feet. When he did his face was red from contained laughter. He gasped something about 'eggs' and 'up his nose'.
Peter was now extremely red and muttered "it's not important… nothing interesting…"
"NOT INTERESTING? You have got to be kidding Wormtail, I'm sure that Melinda has never seen someone shove eggs that far up their nose before! That must have been a world record!" interjected James.
Both Remus and Sirius were looking extremely perplexed, in fact they looked as if they'd just seen Snape in tutu, mildly revolted.
"Your nose Wormy? How did you manage that?" asked Sirius incredulously.
"I was embarrassed! You know I'm not good at asking girls out! My just elbow slipped off the table o.k.!" Peter said in a rush, with tears in his eyes.
"Its o.k. Pete, we understand…" started Remus.
"No it's not o.k. and you don't understand it atoll! You three have your own fan groups and admirers, yes even you Remus but then there's me, I can't do anything right…" he trailed off, looking miserable.
Sirius was on his feet in a nanosecond, putting his hand on Peter's shoulder he began his patented 'cheer up Wormtail speech' "Wormtail, you know that's a lie! You can keep your own with James in Charms almost any day!" he shot an apologetic look to James " and you can usually keep your own in Herbology and your not at the bottom of the class in Astronomy, in fact your better than me in it! You're a wiz at chess, I don't think I've ever beat you and I know that James hasn't. You can stay on a broom for more than 10 minutes, unlike Remus over here. And just cuz' some stupid chick doesn't know how cool you really can be, doesn't mean you immediately go to the bottom of the pile. And girls do like you; take that pigtailed Hufflepuff that's had her eyes on you for the past three weeks! You're definitely not un-wanted. I know what'll cheer you up! Let's go play a prank on…" he paused realizing that Snivellus was in the hospital wing and other wise un-attainable. "My dear cousin Narcissa." He concluded with a broad grin at Peter.
Peter looked up at him with complete trust in his eyes. "o.k." he said, wiping away the tears with his sleeve.
Sirius with his arm over Peter's shoulder moved towards the door, glancing over his shoulder, he asked "you guys coming? We have a snake to torture!"
James dove right in and Remus soon followed "so what's the plan?" he asked, running to catch-up.
"I don't know yet. There's always the age old change-her-hair-colour-but-she-doesn't-know-anything-about-it. What do you think Wormtail?"
"Maybe we could… put red and gold make-up on her, that won't come off for a long time… and we transfigure that odd looking hair piece that she always wears into a muggle trucker cap… with Go Gryffindor on it!" replied Peter slowly and uncertainly.
There was a long silence following this idea and he raised his head worriedly "But if you don't like it…." The other Marauders just stared at him.
"Don't like it?" Remus said in disbelief, "that is one of the most amazing pranks that I have ever heard of or had the honor to perform."
"That's a fucking amazing idea!" said Sirius simply, staring open mouthed at Peter.
"Who are you and what have you done with Peter?" asked James mock seriously "I swear if you're a Slytherin I'm going to blow you all the way to your dungeon common rooms!"
The boys erupted in laughter as Peter put on his best dangerous look and said "I'd like to see you try you sorry excuse for a pure-blood!"
Sirius shot a glance at the Slytherin table, "They're on to us" he whispered.
James, Remus and Peter all turned around to get a look and for their troubles were presented with almost the female population of Slytherins glaring at the Gryffindor table, in particular at them, all with varying degrees of loathing.
Looking at Sirius James growled in a voice laced with sarcasm "ya think?"
"Uh… guys… Their coming over here." Said Remus tugging on Jame's sleeve.
"You think your funny don't you, you damn mud-blood loving bastards?" snarled Rabastan Lestrange.
"We'll see whose laughing next Quidditch game" hissed Lucius Malfoy.
"It'll still be us, same as always," replied Sirius with false cheerfulness.
"You won't be laughing come Christmas. Your father isn't to happy about what happened with Severus… and we all know how he gets when angry. I wonder what it's like when he's furious?" Replied Lucius smoothly.
All traces of laughter and humor were gone from Sirius, his face became un-characteristically serious.
"We Gryffindors are resilient creatures, I'm sure he'll be fine," said James boldly defending his friend.
"We'll see about that" Lucius said silkily already turning away.
James turned to Sirius with a troubled look on his usually carefree and mischievous countenance. "What was that all that about Padfoot old friend?"
"Nothing important, damn Slytherins" replied Sirius with forced casualness.
"Sirius" said James sternly.
"Just drop it!" snarled Sirius suddenly standing up.
Remus and Peter were staring at Sirius in shock.
"Sirius, he was only trying to help! We're your friends, you can talk to us." said Remus firmly.
"And what if I don't want to talk? Huh? What then?" he said in a cold voice usually reserved for Slytherins, as he stalked out of the Dining Hall.
"What the hell brought that on?" asked Peter in confusion.
"I'll tell you what brought that on, Malfoy did and we're going to get to the bottom of this," declared Remus with determination, "as soon as I finish this pie."
Glancing to the side he was almost knocked over by the force of both Peter and James's glares. "Of course this lovely pie could wait till later…"
"Come on" Peter said as he pulled on Remus's arm.
"I'm coming, I'm coming" said Remus with a sigh, glancing back at the un-finished pie lovingly until it was out of sight.
"Hurry up, you two we need to find Sirius before lunch is over" James needled them urgently. "Where's the map?"
"Sirius has it!" supplied Peter.
"O.k. than, if I were Sirius where would I go when I've just exploded?" asked Remus hypothetically.
"The Leaky Cauldron!" they said in unison.
They headed to the second floor, they were almost at the mirror when who should show up?
"Bellatrix, Malfoy, Lestrange and Knott!" said James in surprise,
"Surprised to see us so soon after our last meeting Potter?" laughed Bellatrix coldly, "we were just on our way to find you."
"As pleasant as our meetings inevitably are… we have things to do and places to visit." Replied James hurriedly.
"I hope you can spare just a few seconds to chat, we have things to 'discuss'." Malfoy interjected "important things."
"I couldn't agree more. What the hell did you mean back there in the Dining Hall?" snarled Remus pointing his wand at Lucius's heart.
Immediately both parties pulled their wands out, but Malfoy continued on unperturbed by the hostility of the Gryffindors before him. "Don't tell me you don't know? He's never told you about his father? I guess he's more of a Black than I thought!"
"Tell me what you mean or I'll break every bone in your body!" said James in a dangerously low voice.
A malicious grin slid onto Malfoy's face "I'd like to see you try" was all he said and then the hall erupted in chaos.
"Blastus" James bellowed as he dove to the side to avoid a nasty hex from Knott. He heard the sickening crunch of one of the Slytherins being thrown against the wall. He heard Remus engage Lestrange in fierce duel and Peter… well all he heard from Peter after Expelarmius was a frightened squeak. Surprisingly it was followed by an astonished shout from Malfoy.
Ducking out from behind a suit of armour, James was shell shocked to see Peter charge at Malfoy and knock him over. "GO PETER" he shouted as Peter attacked Malfoy in a flurry of punches.
Sending a hex towards Knott, James jumped out from his hiding place only to be hit with an elastic curse from Bellatrix, unable to stay upright he collapsed onto the ground.
"Lil' Potter has had enough? Does lil' Potter wanna a play a game?" sang Bellatrix in a sickenly sweet baby voice.
As she said this, she was using her wand to stretch out both of James's arms farther and farther away from his body, at twenty feet they couldn't stretch any more.
Suddenly an angry shout echoed down the corridor, Peter stopped beating up Malfoy, Remus removed his Full Body Bind from Lestrange and Bellatrix released the magical grip on James's elasticized hands so that they snapped back to his body, smacking hard in the face.
McGonagall was furious! Despite only having worked at Hogwarts for two years she'd soon made herself a reputation as a teacher not to cross. "Dueling in the halls? How dare you? I will be speaking to Professor Birkins about this, have no fear! Detention, all of you! 6: 30 tomorrow in the Dining Hall. Get to class NOW! You, Malfoy, go to the hospital wing. Finite Incantium" she said pointing her wand at James and his body returned to normal.
They scattered, each groups heading in opposite directions.
"What do we have now?" asked Peter.
"Muggle Studies" replied Remus, running around a corner.
"Shit! We're going to have to find Sirius later," gasped James just before they flew into the muggle studies classroom.
"I was wondering when to expect you fou- er… three. Better late than never, I suppose… Where is Mr. Black?" asked Professor Hurns.
"He's in the hospital wing, we got into a bit of a scrap with some Slytherins." lied Remus easily. With all the lying he had to do because of his lycanthropy, he had developed quite a talent for it.
"I see… well please take a seat so that I may continue with the lesson, turn to p. 128." She continued un-aware that she was being deceived. "As I was saying, Muggles have a strange fascination with being able to contact each other with increasingly small devices called cell-phones…"
The three Marauders tuned her out and began passing notes:
(italics James, bold Remus and underlined Peter)
We need to find some way of getting out of class.
Your right we can't just leave Sirius down in that bar being miserable, who knows what he'll do!
But how are we going to get out?
Peter's right, we need a plan! James? Why are you grinning at me lik- No! I am not playing off my lyncanthro—
But Remus! This is for Sirius, we can't just leave him down there! You said so yourself!
FINE! But next time don't rip the parchment away from me like that.
Stop bickering! I'll stay here and take notes for you… Good luck!
"Yes Mr. Lupin?" Professor Hurns had finally noticed Remus's hand in the air.
"I... I don't feel to good… I think I'm—going to—hurl!" he said with a gulp, flashing her, the brave, puppy dog face.
"You may go to the hospital wing, can you get there on your own? Apparently not…" she noted as he stumbled against a desk, "Miss Evans, please help Lupin to the wing."
James slapped his hand to his forehead, whispering "damn it" under his breath. Remus glanced at him worriedly and then back at Lily who was looking mildly disgusted.
Leaving the class room, while leaning a bit on Lily, Remus's mind worked frantically. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Oh shit, what am I going to do?
"Uh… hey Eva… er Lily, I'm feeling a bit better, you don't have to take me all the way to Pomfrey." Remus said, while trying to look brave and sincere.
Lily glanced at him suspiciously.
"You don't look all that happy to be escorting me and I'm sure you'd much prefer to be back in Muggle Studies with your friends and all…" he trailed off, desperately praying that she'd take the bait.
"Uh… o.k., if your sure that you can make it the rest of the way on your own." She said uncertainly.
"Ya, I'm sure I'll be fine!" Remus said relieved. Perhaps it showed in his voice, because she looked at him funny.
"Well o.k., I hope you feel better" she said as she turned around and headed back the way they'd come.
Remus waited for a few seconds till she rounded the corner than started running down the hall, towards the mirror on the second floor.
He froze as a voice rang out "you don't seem too sick anymore!" Spinning quickly, he saw Lily standing about 20 feet away with her hands on her hips.
"Damn" he whispered "uh… it's not what it—"
"Save it Lupin, I don't want to here a pack of lies. I thought you were the descent one of your little group of hell raisers, but apparently, I was wrong." She growled her voice low with anger as she came closer.
"No, you don't understand! I'm not trying to skip class, well I am…. But for a good reason!" Remus said, desperately trying to think up a reason that she'd like, he eventually settled on the truth.
Lily looked skeptical "good reason? Well let's hear it." She said, raising a thin eye-brow.
"uh… well you see, my group and I got in a mild scuffle with some Slytherins at lunch and Malfoy said something to Sirius that got him real pissed off and now he's gone down to Hogsmeade and me, James and Peter tried to follow, but the Slytherins stopped us and when we tried to get out of class, Mrs. Hurns chose you instead and ya…" he blurted out "I just need to find Sirius and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid and bring him back to the castle…"
Lily seemed to be thinking this through, trying to find a chink in it. "Well, despite the fact that I don't approve of your little group, I'm going to let you get away with it this once. I'll even send a note to James that you're heading down to Hogsmeade. But I want immunity from any of your pranks in return!" she finished triumphantly.
"Thank you so much! I swear on behalf of the Marauders that you have immunity for this entire year, I can't promise about next year though…"
"That's good enough" Lily laughed "now go find your friend."
"Thank you again!" Remus yelled over his shoulder as he continued his race towards the Mirror.