Mirror to My Soul
Notes this is
the companion piece to „Human puppet" and "Grace" The
other side of the game if
you want to see it this way. I recommend you read human puppet first, or after this one, the order
isn't important but you have to read em both to see the complete story. Some may ask me now
why I could not put it into one story but posted it separately as two one-shots. Well, one was the
mind of Rin; the other was the mind of Sesshomarou… It wouldn't look right if they would be in the
same story for both are awfully complicated and very unique in their own way. Simply review
please; I would love to know what you think of the Characterisation I made up for both. And don't
say my grammar sucks, the use of it for Rin and a couple of other things are meant as symbol of
how much he tries to distance himself.
nothing is mine, all theirs.
She's a filthy little human,
so dull and almost senile in her innocence that it hurts me. It hurts me
to care about a vermin like her so much to even fight for her – No, I am using the wrong word for
it – she's my possession, nobody scratches or damages something I, the great Sesshomarou have
taken in my possession.
I can't stand the smell of
her blood or the taste of her tears. They are uncomfortable and so
human, weak and burning in my nose. Right from the first day I knew her it burned inside my guts
to smell her.
As she came to me in the
woods and offered me something to eat, although I, Sesshomarou
never eat of a human's hand. It's like submitting to them, feeding of their hand like a mere pet
depending on its master's likes and dislikes. She didn't care and as I smelt her blood I tried to not
care as well, but the acid of her blood was too much for me to take.
I healed her with the
useless sword my father gave me and held her for a second in my remaining
arm. 'How can a human be so fragile? How can this race of rats still survive so many things… ?' I
asked myself, feeling almost something like pity for it; the little girl that followed me from now on.
I grew possessive about her too quickly for my liking; I never liked feeling this way over a human.
A human and those dirty feelings had been the downfall of my Father. All because
of my stupid
half-brother and those feelings my father felt.
Feelings are like a disease,
spreading where you don't want to have them. I felt – a shame to
admit it to myself- I felt too much over the years. Rescued her on countless occasions from death
and even was – I won't say rescued – from her in a way I don't understand.
This little disgusting thing
had stolen its way into my heart. And with time I could not be without
her anymore, never felt good without her being close. The day she asked me if I would remember
her once she was dead, was giving me the rest in some way.
Me, the great lord of the west was trembling for a moment.
Trembling in something
unknown, fear I suppose, to loose this human one day. Watching her grow
old and dry till she would die in not more than 50 or – if she was lucky- 60 years. So short, like a
blink of the eye for a demon; my father turned 2000 years of age before he fell to the charms of a
human. He had fought in the beginning, he saw the gods walking the world a long time ago as he
was still young. Still he had fallen to this human woman.
I never would understand him, never.
The thought was bitter, more than bitter.
And grew worse with every
time she touched me, hugged me, went running behind me. I gave in
to these feelings too easily and too soon, only to hate me for it later. I hated her body for growing
up, hater her soul for still being so innocent and so intelligent at the same time. No she didn't look
intelligent for the eyes of the others, for them she still is a worm that belonged back into the dirt,
but she's so faithful and strong, harder than ever a woman I met was. I grew attached to her, like
a pet or something.
Yes a Pet is the right word for it.
I tried to push these
thoughts of mine away behind the need I felt. I got myself a couple of
concubines, using them more than ever before. From the day I first brought Rin back into my
castle up till tonight I never spend one night in my bed alone… I could not stand her smell. It made
me angry and I had to get rid of this energy, drowning in the fact that I was master about those
bitches, my command was to which they obeyed.
Till this fateful day a
couple of years back as her acid smell grew worse, worse than I ever
remembered her stench. I could not stand her being near anymore, not knowing what I would do if
she would stay close; I actually feared I could hurt her.
I THE GREAT LORD FELT FEAR!
I, the great Lord wasn't
allowed to let my guard down – failures of my father should not repeat
themselves. I was better than him, had more power than he ever possessed in his live, more
people bowed before me than he ever saw on his court. I won against my father's fate, I won
against the clan of my mother as they wanted to snatch away my land and I won against my need.
But I could not win against my heart.
I could not send her away
and ban her from my lands for her smell. She looked so lost, innocent
and broken. My always faithful little ward Rin, but I had to be strong.
I am not weak.
I am Lord Sesshomarou, great Lord of the western lands.
Everybody trembles in fear if he hears of me.
Expect for her.
She stayed the good being
she was -my intelligent little girl- and hid away from me when this
stench burned in my lungs. Hid away in the far corner of my concubine's chambers… where I never
would think of her again. I used the bitches even more; one, two, three in one night… I could not
stand it anymore.
Years past like this.
Years in which I counted days and hoped she would die sooner so she was gone.
I could not wait these 50 years to pass.
They were not only a blink
of the eye for me. They felt like an endless stream of days and nights.
Dull, meaningless sex with pale porcelain puppets which bowed to my will, but the only puppet I
wanted was a human that probably hated me by now. I hated me as well; strangely enough not
for stopping to attack my brother or getting my arm back from his human miko friend, but mainly
for the way I treated Rin.
I became the old ice cold
self again – at least for a while- but the joy of torturing and killing wasn't
there anymore. I killed and woke them, tortured them and woke them once more and it didn't
satisfy me once. I spent two weeks torturing a rapist who had almost ruined the life of one of my
General's daughters last summer, waking him, skinning him, ripping him to shreds, waking him –
the court was coloured red by the end of my punishment. But it brought nothing but a short
satisfaction – only the sure feeling that Rin hated me now even more.
She had seen me over and over in blood from my victim and it wasn't fear she radiated it merely was disgust.
I asked Jaken
how Rin was. He said she was fine, as fine as a human
woman could be. And still, I
couldn't see her as a mere human. I never saw her as a mere human and this pains me even
Her birthday came once more.
A date I marked every year. Not that she would have really known
her real birthday to begin with, it was the birthday I gave her. Every human had a birthday, so she
had the right to have one too. She had been barely two years with me as she had asked me if I
allowed her to have a birthday too… because a human would need a birthday. So I guessed how
old she was – not very precisely for I have no clue about human habits of growing older, not much
more as it came with the time I spend with travelling through a human polluted world anyway- and
picked the day I woke her.
I don't know exactly why I picked this day. Or why I had played along with my little Rin.
But I picked a gift for her.
Or rather the gift picked me.
The merchant came through my
lands on one of my travels, spread his belongings to my eyes and
there it was; a little silver mirror with red flowers around it. I saw myself in the mirror and it hit me
like a lightning.
I didn't look the same to my
eyes. Something – someone was missing. I took the mirror and
studied myself, making the merchant crawl in the dirt with a stare as he tried to babble some
unnecessary shit. As if I would need to care how much something would cost me, I had too much
money to care for it.
At least one being I still
had control over, even if I lost the control over myself there. I saw Rin
running behind me, covering for protection behind me, trusting me, loving me. Smiling and
giggling like the little star she was.
"Rin…" I whispered and the merchant twitched.
My life hadn't been complete without her.
Even the concubines could
not help it. The acid burning in my lungs was need which I could not
satisfy with anything but her. This I saw in this little mirror.
She should see how I saw her.
I carried it home and laid
it down in my chambers. Staring at it for a long time till I could not stand
it anymore. I was not this weak, I was a Lord… A DEMON LORD! We weren't supposed to love
human beings. Did I really love her? Could I love at all?
No, demons don't love.
They kill, conquer and
posses, they never love. My mother didn't love me, my father could not love
me and I won't love anyone either. But…
I do love her.
This weakness turned me so
damn angry that I slammed the mirror into a corner and called for my
concubine. Ito, a stupid bitch -with more to fill the front of her Kimono than she had brain in her
head- but she was good enough to pound away and leave the smell of Rin behind. So I did her, till
she barely could move on the other day. At least I think so; I couldn't stay in the same room with
her afterwards and took a long wall around my woods.
I went down into my study as
the next morning dawned and went to stare at scrolls piling up
there. Some of them where still from my father, left behind many years ago along with the sour
taste of his defeat.
Would I repeat his failures if I followed my heart?
It rained and I merely
stared into the grey daylight outside, colouring the green roofs black and the
fine wooden walls dark from the wetness. My guards walked along their paths and the servants
sneaked around. It was silent, nobody dare to make a sound – Rin never had cared for it – with
her it had never been this lifeless here.
She screamed all of sudden
and I went running. Not thinking, only acting on my instinct to protect
her. I actually worried that those prayers for her early death now came to hunt me. I actually
feared that this may have been my punishment for falling to my father's fate, only to find her
beaten by this dump toy I called concubine. She screamed that Rin was a thief, that she had stolen
a mirror that was meant for the noble demon concubine, waving a silver mirror in her hands.
There was the mirror I had thrown away.
And I looked at Rin, felt her fear and heard her wails, but one look from me
and she tried hard to
control herself and stop her tears. I growled to stop Ito before she could hit my girl once more
and send Jaken to care for poor Rin, whilst I ordered Ito to follow me into my study. Once there I
growled at her ripping the mirror from her hands and threw her to the ground. Ready to strike -
the mirror in one hand my sword in the other.
And there I gave in to my
own truth. Years back I simply would have killed the bitch for taking
something out of my chambers and I still killed my foes and those who deserved it but they
scarcely remained dead in the end. I looked into the mirror and found myself facing little Rin
looking up at me to beg not to kill Ito. Of course Rin wasn't there and I didn't really see her but I
knew she would have asked me to let the woman remain alive.
I did anything for my beloved little Rin, anything she asked me to do.
And thank the gods it wasn't
to late yet to do the right thing even if it meant falling to my father's
fate – history would not repeat itself with me. I am stronger than my father ever was, one look on
me and they fall to the ground begging for their lives. Nobody would dare to face him, nobody
would dare to threat his wife's live as long as he would be with her and if it only where 50 years.
I understood now what the
mirror meant; it wasn't a birthday gift… it was a gift for my future wife,
a sign of our engagement and all because this little mirror had shown me my soul, my little Rin.
I send Ito away, ordered her
to be killed in the morning and called for Jaken he
should bring Rin to
me but he only told me that the girl was gone. I stared at him for a long moment and went up to
find my girl before she would turn sick in this Rain.
Sickness was a common thing
for humans to die off and if there was anything in this world I never
wanted to witness than my little Rin being this weak. I could track her down easily, even in the
raging rainstorm – her smell never failed to lure me to her. I found her laying in the dirt – probably
fallen in the hurry to get away from the castle – for whatever reason she did so.
I called her and helped her up. She knew what I wanted to ask, I never needed
with her like with most of my court till they got what I wanted.
"I am sorry Lord..." She
gives back and falls to her knees. She looked so defeated that I wondered
what had happened to her than I noticed for the first time that I never heard her using my name
since I send her away. Of course she had called me by my title but never by my name – did she
hate me so much? I stepped back from her and studied her pale, wet form in the rain.
"Why have you left the
castle in this rain…?" 'You could get
sick…' Did she really feel so much
urgency to leave me? Of course she did - she wanted to get away from me and I tried to stop her
once again, treating her like my possession.
"I am sorry Lord I should
have stayed and faced my punishment…" She says and it almost vanishes
in the thunder which cracks the sky open above us. Memories of my little Rin running to me in fear
about a mere storm came back to my head, adding a lot of unwanted feelings to my confusion.
Why should I punish her? If
there was someone to punish than it was me for changing her so much
with my ignorance and fear. So I did something I never had done for anyone in the last years – I
got to my knees before her.
"Why do you think I would
punish you…?" I ask her as softly as I can and reach for her chin, lifting
it to make her look at me. "Have you done anything that would make me punish you?"
"Didn't your concubine tell
you what I did?" She gives back and it makes me smile in some way.
This answer sounded more like my little Rin – and explained a lot of her behaviour. "I am a thief…
and thieves die by your hangman's hands…" It amused me how she could think of me still being as
cold and heartless with her. Probably she thinks so since I send her away, but I will change this
I will set things right and repair the damage I did.
"There is an execution this
morning… for the thief that stole a precious gift that I meant to give my
future wife for her birthday next week…" I explained and she sighed, probably preparing herself for
death. "But this thief isn't you Rin…" Now she is confused.
"Not me? But…Ito…"
"The thief was Ito… the
faithless bitch stole it from my room…" I told her and swallowed the anger
which grew for the bitch who had caused this trouble. I would send her and her companions off as
soon as I could. From now on no other woman than my Rin will be with me.
I pulled her up to her weak
legs, scooting her into my arms. The weather seemingly catches up on
humans too easily, but I will make sure she's save from now on. She would turn my wife, mother
of my children and Lady of my lands. I was the Lord, what I said happened. Nobody would dare to
question me. "It was meant for you…"
I think she needed a while
to understand fully what happened after this night. Our first
together– the first of many nights and hours that followed. I send Ito away along with most of my
concubines, married Rin and made her mother of my children. Children as beautiful and intelligent
as her and as strong as me - I am proud of each of my little Hanyou children and will protect them
with my life.
I don't think I repeat my father's fate.
But I can understand him now.
He hunted for love and found
it in Inuyasha's mother – I hated her and Inuyasha for taking him
away from me but now I know I was wrong with this. He wasn't weak… he was stronger than I
thought – facing the short lifetime of a human mate.
Only the time with Rin can fulfil me and make me complete and I don't want to
think of what
happens once she's gone.
But I have her now and pray for her to have a long life.
I love her now and loved her ever since I met her.
Even if it will only last for 50 or 60 years.
I will love her forever.