Samos: Ahem… hello? Hello? Is this thing on, Vin? I can never tell with these thrice damned recording devi... Oh! To whomever might be listening. The following recording is a record of interviews carried out at the behest of Queen Tess of Haven City explaining the strange behaviour of several members of her court these two days. There shall be a series of short interviews with those that consent to them. These interviews will be passed along to the Queen in order for her to pass judgement on any wrongdoers.

Samos: It is, however, my opinion that we shall not find any wrongdoing amongst those involved.


Samos: Is this thing…Right. Very well, the first interview will be with Commander Torn of the Palace Guard. Commander

Torn: Let's get this over and done with.

Samos: Very well, commander. Would you care to explain the events of the last twenty-four hours?

Torn: I was alone. All night. I saw no one and nothing. Can I go now?

(Sounds of ruffling paper)

Samos: Witnesses report you speaking to Commander Ashelin early yesterday evening.

Torn: I went nowhere. And spoke to no one.

Samos: Commander, may I remind you that you are under oath to answer these questions with complete honesty?

(Sound of machinery powering up. Archives identify sound as of Mk XIII Eco-pistol)

Samos: Uh… no one and nothing. Very well, commander, no further questions.


Samos: …thrice damned rodent! Sit still and be interviewed!

Daxter: Hey! You said there were going to be women here! With chocolate biscuits! Where are my biscuits!

Samos: You will get them after the interview, Daxter. Now, could you please explain to me the events of the last twenty-four hours?

Daxter: This had better be worth my time. Lessee… well, it started with my daring raid into the kitchens…

(17 minutes 38 seconds of audio cut. Please refer to archiving for more information)

Daxter: …and after all that, they still thought it was a pair of Brutters underpants! Man… this was a good day!

Samos: Anything else to mention?

Daxter: Oh yeah! Jak's been strange all day. Ever since talking to your looooverly daughter.

Samos: Strange?

Daxter: Yeah… like… shocked. And this morning he's been wandering around in some sort of dream world. He walked into a door once.

Samos: Unusual, he's not usually the clumsy one of the two of you… thank you Daxter, you may go.

Daxter: About those biscuits?

Samos: Get out of here!

Daxter: You promised me biscuits! You son of a...


Samos: Please identify yourself.

Keira: Daddy! You know who I am!

Samos: My girl… Please just answer these questions and we can all go home.

Keira: All right. My name is Keira.

Samos: and could you please explain to me the events of the last twenty-four hours?

Keira: Um… I worked on some Zoomers?

Samos: Why are you crying? Is there something…

(Interview process halted. Subject requests change of interviewer. Interview now conducted by Sig Hucklebottom, Minister for Defence and Gun Control)

Sig: Hello there, Keira. Hey! What's the matter?

Keira: He hates me!

Sig: What? Who hates you?

Keira: Jak does!

Sig: Uh…

Keira: Last night I made…advances towards Jak and he just ignored me! But I don't want to go into it!

Sig: Uh…

Keira: If you insist… Um… I told Jak how I felt towards him… now that he's big, and muscled, and handsome… with those rock hard abs… and that tight little butt… and those ears…

Sig: Uh…

Keira: So I gave him directions to my room and told him that when he got there he could do whatever he wanted with me.

Sig: Uh…

Keira: And I waited and waited and he never came! He hates me!

Sig: Uh…

(Awkward silence only broken by sobbing for 1 minute 17 seconds)

Sig: I have to go now…


Samos: Please identify yourself

Ashelin: Commander Ashelin Praxis

Samos: Please, sit down. Commander, could you please explain to me the events of the last twenty-four hours.

(Subject raises eyebrow. Interviewer begins to sweat profusely)

Ashelin: Very well, Samos. Yesterday at twelve-hundred, I returned from my tour of duty from Dead Town where I have been supervising the repair of three of the Shield Generators. I gave my report to the Queen and had lunch. I arranged to meet Commander Torn at thirteen-hundred and made plans for the evening. Until seventeen-hundred, I finished my paperwork and then ate dinner. At twenty-hundred, I met with Commander Torn for some recreational activities.

Samos: Could… could you…

(Subject sighs)

Ashelin: No. I will not say that word.

Samos. I… very well. To complete your records of the last twenty-four hours, what happened after you met with Commander Torn.

Ashelin: …

Samos: Well?

Ashelin: Nothing. I saw and heard nothing.

Samos: Very well. May I ask for a description of the recreational activities in which you and Commander Torn were engaging?

Ashelin: Certainly. I assume that this is a confidential interview?

Samos: It is.

Ashelin: Very well. As most people know, Commander Torn and I are… more than friends. In order to blow of some steam, we engage in sexual activity.

(Interviewer turns bright red and continues to sweat)

Ashelin: Generally speaking, I critique him on the flaws he has made with his paperwork since I last saw him and punish him accordingly. This session's punishment involved me restraining and gagging him. I then left him in a darkened room to think about what he had done.

Samos: And then?

Ashelin: And then nothing. I went and had a quiet night watching "Sleepless in Spargus" with the Queen. She asked me to get more tissues when she ran out.

Samos: And Torn?

Ashelin: …I… He… Turn off the recorder. This interview is over.


Jak: I'm so sorry Samos! I didn't mean to upset her or you!

Samos: What the blazes are you talking about, m'boy?

Jak: I'm so, so sorry. Is she okay? She keeps crying and I didn't mean to hurt her! I never knew it was going to hurt her! You know I'd never hurt her!

Samos: Yes… of course I know that! Perhaps we should conduct this interview when you're feeling a little better…


Torn: I thought I told you to get that thing out of my face!

(Recorder Unit #174 is hit by some form of eco-weapon and is damaged.)


(Following recording is taken from Archival palace footage. Time of recording: 14:18:52. Footage taken from Dining Hall camera #2)

Keira: Well… if you feel the same way, come and see me tonight. I'll be in my room and… I'm yours. However you want me.

Jak: I… Where… where is your room?

Keira: Take the main elevator to floor three, there's a sign saying Guest Rooms, take that corridor and it's the third on the right.

Jak: I'll.. See you there then…

(subject 2 (Jak) leaves. He is seen to be blushing furiously)


Samos: Very well, now you've calmed down, Jak, we can continue. Can you please raise your right hand to take the Vow of Honesty.

Jak: Not a problem.

Samos: Jak. That's your left hand. Could you please raise your right?

Jak: Sorry, Samos. I always get those confused…

Samos: Very well, could you please explain to me the events of the past twenty-four hours?

(Interview process halted. Subject requests change of interviewer. Interview now conducted by Sig Hucklebottom, Minister for Defence and Gun Control)

Sig: Why, hello there cherry!

Jak: Not any longer, Sig. Last night… Keira and I were… intimate.

Sig: Uh. You were?

Jak: Yeah. I went to her room as she asked. She had the lights off, but I found her anyway. It was… wonderful, but now she looks really upset. I think I may have hurt her…

Sig: Uh…

Jak: I mean… at the time I didn't think she sounded too happy. Really muffled… as if she was gagged or something. But she didn't tell me to stop… so…

Sig: Uh… Okay. That's it. This is not in my job description. I'm getting Samos again!

(Interview process halted. Interviewer requests change of interviewer. Interview now conducted by Samos, Green Eco Sage, Minister for Trees and Tree-Like Objects)

Samos: You did what with my daughter!

Jak: I'm sorry, Samos. I couldn't help myself. I went to her room and…

(Door to interview room slams open. Keira, Minister for Zoomers and Other Machiney Things enters)

Keira: Why did you brush me off last night, Jak I need to know!

Jak: I didn't! I went to your room as you said!

Keira: Sure you did! I laid there, alone, all night! The only company I had was Ashelin and Torn getting it on across the hall all night.

Samos: But Ashelin was with Tess… all… night…

(Silence for 1 minute 35 seconds)

Jak: I have to go and… bathe. Right now.


Jak: I don't think I'll be able to look Torn in the face again.