Charlie: Okay, so who's old enough to remember this? Anyone? Hello! Yeah, anyways, those bastards took it down way back when, so now, I must "clean" this thing up. Anyways, it's now "acceptable" for the hypocritical bastards running this site so there's nothing they can do about this.
Erk: You're holding a grudge aren't you?
Charlie: Yep. You did what I told you to do?
Erk: You're really holding a grudge. You're like mad at everyone.
Charlie: No, just the people, but I've been mad at them like…always.
Erk: And her?
Charlie: She backstabbed me. Anyways, I don't own Fire Emblem, and whatever the heck else that comes up in this thing.
You're All Fired!
Somewhere in the middle of Ostia, Eliwood's Elite was waiting for their tactician and getting ready to buy weapons and set off for the fight of their lives. Everyone was anxious to get moving, anxious for the battle. They all cheered when their esteemed tactician arrived.
The tactician was a tall and imposing man named Charlie, but he was lighthearted and cheerful, if not a bit sarcastic. The man had black hair, soft blue eyes, and was as wide as he was tall, but nobody ever told him that. Though he liked to joke, the tactician never smiled before a battle. Since he was smiling now, everyone knew something was up.
"Hey guess what?" Charlie said happily. "We're not gonna go shopping for weapons anymore."
"WHAT? NO SHOPPING!" a blonde haired bishop named Lucius said. "BUT WHY!" He was clearly addicted to shopping.
"Because the war's over." The tactician announced. "Nergal tripped over a rock and died from blunt trauma to the head. His minions all gave up. It's over. No more Black Fang, no more stupid dragons no more 'end of the world' crap."
Everyone in the camp cheered at the news. Unfortunately for them, their happy world is about to come crashing.
"However, as such, I am issuing the order to disband this army." Charlie continued. "As of today, you guys are no longer under the employment of Eliwood's Elite because it does not exist anymore."
Everyone looked around confused. "Umm, in English please?" A blue haired man named Hector asked.
"Y'all are fired!" Charlie said bluntly. "Now pack your bags and get out! OUT!"
"WHAT! FIRED!" The panicked cry went up.
"You heard me." Charlie said. "Now pack up. Come on, let's go."
"But don't we get retirement plans, stock options and pensions?" An old paladin named Marcus asked.
Charlie laughed at the question. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Oh my listen to this guy! He thinks you all get retirement plans, stock options and pensions!"
"But do we at least get medical?" Marcus asked again.
"No." Charlie said straightly. "As far as anyone was concerned, nobody expected you to live. Besides, you get paid enough to get your own medical right?"
"No! you hardly pay us at all!" A purple haired mage named Erk said.
"No wait, he did pay me twenty grand." A blue haired Pegasus knight named Farina said.
"WHAT! CHARLIE!" The rest of the army yelled turning towards the tactician who immediately put up his hands.
"Don't look at me." Charlie said. "Hector paid her. I told Hector to go tell her to go eff a tree, but then that moron never listens."
The mob immediately turned to Hector.
"What? Can't a guy work around his own little fantasy?" Hector asked.
The effect was immediate. Half the army laughed while the other half pretended to retch. Farina glared at Hector and if it weren't for two strong warriors restraining her, the young lord would've been on a skewer.
"Okay…" Charlie said. "I'm gonna leave before I get scarred beyond help. See ya all and good luck." With that the tactician turned and left the now disbanded army to fend for itself.
"So…" A red haired lord named Eliwood said uneasily. "Does this mean we have to get…a REAL JOB!"
A collective gasp went up as the group shuddered at the horrible word. The thought of holding a real job was too horrible to imagine.
Then another lord spoke up, a young girl with long teal hair. Her name was Lyn. "I don't know, this might be actually pretty fun."
"True…" Hector said as he thought about it. "At least we won't have to take orders from that bastard Charlie anymore."
Everyone thought about it and agreed with the two lords. Maybe the experience won't be so horrible. So one by one they packed their belongings and left, saying a nice goodbye to everyone else.
A few days later, an injured Ostian citizen named entered the general hospital. He had accidentally cut his hand while doing some home improvement and was looking to get it cleaned and wrapped. When he entered the hospital, a pretty pink haired girl with a loud annoying voice handed him the usual forms to fill out. It was all routine so he did as he was told and waited for a bit. It was all understandable since his injury wasn't that horrible.
As he waited another man who looked like he had been shot through the head with an arrow ran in. Running to the counter, the second injured man started to yell frantically.
"HELP ME! I GOT SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD!"
The receptionist, a former cleric named Serra looked at him and replied calmly. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to fill out these forms."
"WHAT!" The man yelled. "WHAT PART OF 'SHOT IN THE HEAD' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND! BESIDES! MY HAND IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING MY BRAIN FROM LEAKING OUT!"
"Sir, I must ask you to calm down and fill out these forms or else I can't help you." Serra said again.
"Elimine!" The man said. "I'm dying here and the bureaucracy wants me to fill out papers."
He grudgingly and painfully took the papers and sat down next Joe. As he began to write, blood and a grayish soft matter began to leak from his head.
"Sir?" Serra said again. "There's some gray stuff coming out of your head. You should plug it with your hand or something."
Then the man let out the longest and loudest string of cuss words Joe ever heard in his life.
Five hours later, Joe was getting sleepy, and it still wasn't his turn. He turned to look at the man to his right and noticed the man wasn't moving, or breathing for that matter. Joe immediately began to panic.
"HOLY HELL! NURSE! DOCTOR! I THINK HE'S DEAD!" Joe yelled out.
Immediately, the pink haired picked up a special stave and began talking into it. Moments later, a magically enhanced voice rang out throughout the hospital.
"Code Blue, Admitting. Code Blue, Admitting."
Moments later, a crash cart with medical instruments arrived with a real doctor and a red haired nurse.
"What happened here?" The doctor asked while the nurse laid the man out on a streatcher.
"He came in with an arrow wound in the head. I had him fill out forms and he just suddenly conked." Serra replied.
"Serra..." The doctor said. "A arrow wound in the head constitutes an emergency, this man should've been attended the moment he walked in. Didn't you read the hand book!"
"Yes, but the handbook said arrow through head. When he came in, he didn't have the arrow in his head." Serra said.
"THAT'S BECAUSE HE PULLED IT OUT! GOD SERRA! USE YOUR BRAIN!" The doctor yelled. Then he turned and saw his nurse performing CPR.
"GOOD GOD PRISCILLA!" He yelled. "THE MAN HAS AN ARROW WOUND TO THE HEAD! CPR IS NOT GOING TO HELP HIM!"
Priscilla ignored the doctor and continued to perform CPR. "YOU GOTTA BREATHE! YOU CAN'T DIE ON ME! NOT NOW!" She yelled.
"Okay, let me get the situation straight." The doctor said. "This guy comes in with an arrow wound in the head. YOU Serra, make him fill out forms and wait five hours. Now that he's probably clinically dead, Priscilla here's ignoring my orders and trying to perform CPR on him for an arrow wound to the HEAD. WHO THE HELL IS IN CHARGE OF HUMAN RESOURCES HERE!"
"HE'S BREATHING!" Priscilla suddenly announced. "HE'S ALIVE!"
"WHAT!" The doctor said surprised. He turned and saw indeed that the man was now breathing calmly. He went up and took a pulse and found it shockingly to be normal. "This doesn't make sense. Anyways, get him to a room Priscilla, and I'd like to see you in my office after you do."
Just then, Serra noticed Joe. "Oh, sorry sir, I forgot about you. Let me look at your hand."
Joe backed away. "Umm, it's fine right now, thanks."
But Serra was insistent and she grabbed Joe's hand. "It looks bad, we may have to amputate."
"SERRA!" The doctor said. "I'll handle him; you go join Priscilla in my office."
After Serra left, the doctor cleaned and wrapped Joe's hand.
"Sorry about that sir." The doctor apologized.
"It's okay…but I think you need to get better help."
The doctor nodded. "I need to have a chat with human resources after dealing with those two."
Sain the green lance was seated at a table in the World Poker Championship Elibe. He was a natural at poker and had a knack for knowing when to fold. Slowly and steadily, he worked his way up. Now, he was at the finals table with only two more opponents left. If he wins, he will be the first millionaire in Eliwood's Elite. His trusted companion Kent, whom he had convinced to tag along for the poker tour stood behind him.
Sain looked at his opponents. One was a beautiful woman who had folded this round. The other was a rather burly looking man with the straightest poker face ever. Sain looked at his cards and the cards on the table.
'Hmm, two kings and two queens.' Sain thought looking at the flop and the draw card. Just then his opponent put his cards down and pushed his entire stack in.
"All in." The man said.
Behind Sain, Kent was getting nervious. "Don't do it Sain…" Kent whispered fiercely.
But Sain was a pro. He had a feeling his opponent was fibbing. And he had a strong two pair. "Call." Sain said.
"YOU FOOL!" Kent said.
"Don't worry…" Sain said. "He's bluffing."
As the two men held their breaths, the dealer flipped the river card. It was another queen. Sain now had a full house of queens and it easily killed his opponent who had but a measly pair of sixes.
Sain laughed as he raked in his chips and congratulated the man for being a tough opponent. He only had one more opponent to defeat before winning the big prize.
Kent looked at Sain's last opponent and knew his companion was a goner. If the girl knew anything about the reputation of the green lance, she would kill him easily. When Kent saw the girl wet her lips and bat her eyes at Sain, he knew that this girl wasn't stupid.
As the cards were dealt out, bets were placed and the game began. The girl apparently had something really good because she repeatedly raised. Kent hoped to St. Elimine that Sain would be smart enough and not take the bait. But every time Sain looked up, the girl gave him a flirtatious look and Sain called.
After the deal card, Sain still had no chance. There was a pair of aces on the table, but that didn't help Sain. With his hand and the board, he had nothing except for four consecutive cards, suited. Sain's chances relied on the last card being part of his straight or else he was dead. As Kent did a quick calculation of the odds, he got worried. The chances of Sain getting his card was one in around five trillion.
"Don't do it Sain…Don't do it." Kent urged.
But Sain looked at the girl who blew him a kiss and winked. Sain put down his cards. "All in." He said.
Kent slapped his forhead. "YOU MORON!"
"I believe in the heart of the cards!" Sain said.
The river card was flipped, and to Kent's utter disbelief, it was Sain's saving grace. The one card that made Sain's hand a straight. Kent nearly jumped with delight, seeing as he and Sain would soon be millionaires.
Then Sain did the unthinkable. The girl saw Kent's reaction and knew Sain got his card. So she turned towards Sain and pouted, looking innocent and sexy at the same time. Sain took one look at the girl and nearly wet himself.
"I'll go out with you if you fold…" the girl mouthed.
Sain took a while to read it, but he immediately understood. He looked at his cards and tossed them away. "I fold."
Kent's happiness drained instantly. "YOU WHAT!"
"I fold." Sain said.
"You…imbecile! HOW COULD YOU LET HER SEDUCE YOU! IT'S ALL A TRICK! SHE'LL NEVER GO OUT WITH YOU! NEVER!"
Kent began to cause a scene, and immediately the security guards were upon him, dragging the poor man out. Sain watched as the girl gathered her winnings. She ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him.
"I owe you one." She whispered. "I'll be back for you after I pay off my mom's surgery."
With that, the girl kissed Sain lightly and ran off with her winnings, looking not one bit like a girl going off to pay for her mother's surgery. Sain stood there, with nothing and watched her go. It was a while before he finally decided to leave.
A sandy haired man stood over the Ostian branch of the Smithsonian Museum. He stood in a picturesque pose and plotted over his devious plot.
"Soon…" the man said. "Soon, this museum shall know the abilities of MATTHEW! MUAHAHAHAHAH! -HACK COUGH!- Argh, stupid sore throat."
Matthew took a few pills and calmed down. "Ugh, I wouldn't have to do this if it weren't for that bastard Charlie. But NOOO! He and his stupid 'anti-assassin' policy ruined my dream of becoming an assassin and working for the mafia. BUT I'LL SHOW HIM! ONCE I GET RICH, I'LL HIRE SOMEONE TO KILL HIM AND STEAL THAT FELL CONTRACT! MUAHAHAHA!"
He then left for the day and came back later that night, when the masses disappeared. Silently, with the stealth and grace of a cat, he snuck across the museum grounds, while humming the mission impossible theme rather badly.
"Dun…dun…DUNDUN dun…dun…DUNDUNDUN…" Matthew hummed.
"You hear that?" A security guard asked his partner.
"What?" The partner asked.
"That really bad sounding version of the MI theme. Sounds like someone stepped on a cat or something." The guard said.
"Nope, but lets go check it out." The partner said.
The two men walked around the perimeter and into the building. Meanwhile, Matthew had broken in and was walking down the hall to the precious gems exhibit. He heard footsteps behind him.
"Uh oh…" he said and he pressed himself against a wall painting and held a chord of the Mission Impossible theme, hoping that the security guards won't notice him. Lucky for him the security guards saw him and decided to keep walking.
"That was weird…" the guard said as they went back to their original posts.
Matthew let out his breath and went into the exhibit. He found his target, the Hope Diamond. Going up to the exhibit, he began working to remove the diamond. As he grabbed it, he saw the words "cursed stone" in the description. Matthew scoffed it off and ran away. Unfortunately for him, as soon as he got outside, the diamond triggered an alarm and immediately, dozens upon dozens of sages surrounded him, carrying bolting tomes.
"Oh shit…" Matthew said and he started to run. Moments later, hundreds of bolts of lightning fell upon him, sending millions of volts of electricity into his body.
"AHHH! IT BURNS!" Matthew took the diamond and threw it back. "TAKE IT BACK! THE THING IS CURSED! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The security force picked up the diamond and watched the thief run off.
"What? Hmm…" The leader said. "Okay, that was new. And doesn't he know that the real diamond isn't even on the display at nights? It's switched with a fake to prevent stuff like this from happening."
With that and a shrug the hit squad was called off and everything was back to order.
At the unemployment office, Serra and Pricilla was arguing over who's fault it was that got them fired when Sain walked in.
"SAIN!" Serra said. "I knew you'd be here! What'd you do? Hit on the bosses daughter?"
"No, I got killed at poker." Sain said.
"Lemme guess, Charlotte." Priscilla said.
"Yeah, that was her name." Sain said. "How do you know?"
"It's in the papers. Charlotte killed a loser who claimed to be the green lance at the world championships." Serra said.
Sain got the paper and read in shock over the details of how he stupidly lost the poker game to a girl who just bought a mansion for her 'was never sick' mother. That's when Matthew came in all nice and crispy.
"What happened to you?" Priscilla asked.
"Meh, tried to rob the Smithsonian." Matthew said. "Stupid Hope Diamond was cursed."
Serra looked at him. "You do know that none of the museums put real gems on display at night right?"
Matthew stared at her. "NO!"
"Wow…" Serra and Priscilla were speechless. "Umm, good luck next time?"
"Oh shut up." Matthew said. "What about you two? Kill some one yet?"
"Serra almost did, but I saved him, but I got fired for 'unnecesary tactics.'" Priscilla complained.
"Hey! I wasn't the one whacking someone with a mend staff." Serra said.
"At least it worked okay!" Priscilla said. "And I wasn't the one who let a near dead man wait five hours for attention."
"For the last time, the book said that only if he has an arrow through his head. He did not have the arrow in his head!" Serra argued back.
The unemployment officer looked at the four idiots sitting in the lobby arguing and put up the "out to lunch" sign. She knew that nothing would ever help them keep a job and she wasn't about to try it anytime soon.
Charlie: Well, minor changes. Sain plays poker instead, but it's essentially the same. Please leave a review!