Charlie: Okay, I'm back. And I see that nobody is old enough to remember this n.n;;; Oh well, this was from a long time ago. Anyways, thanks to everyone who reviewed! Your comments and support are very helpful (Either for this thing or for my shattered ego.) Anyways, here's the next chapter, and I'll eventually work a plot into this…eventually. Right now, it has no plot, it's just everyone either quitting or getting fired from their jobs and then reuniting in the unemployment office. However, I will be introducing two OCs, and eventually a plot will form. But now, enjoy as the FE people do really badly at their jobs.
Erk: And he doesn't own FE.
Charlie: Good God, I don't know WHY I have to say that…oh well. Oh and there are things in this chapter that will SEEM anachronistic, I apologize in advance for it, but I promise you that I will explain it in the next chapter.
Deep in the forests of Lycia, the loud shout of "TIMBER!" was heard throughout the woods as the Lycian Lumber Company's newest lumberjack went through his rounds.
Hector made a perfect lumberjack. He was good with an axe, he had the strength of an ox, and he had absolutely no compassion for plants whatsoever. Unfortunately, he also broke nearly all of his axes within mere hours of getting it.
This day, he was going around filling his quota. He went up to a tree and began to chop. As he chopped, the foreman came around to inspect him.
"Hey Hector, how are you doing?" The foreman asked.
"Great!" Hector said. "I got half the quota filled and I'm working fast, but I think this axe is about to die out."
"Well, tell me when it does and I'll get you a new one. You're doing good kid, keep it up." The foreman said and then he turned around and left.
Hector resumed his work. He marked the tree and got ready to chop it down. Unfortunately, when the strong young lord went into his back swing, the head of the axe flew from the shaft and rammed into the head of the foreman, whose head cracked like an egg and spewed blood and brains all over the forest grounds.
"OH MY GOD!" One of the other lumberjacks cried as he ran over to help the foreman. "YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARD!"
"Hmm, they sure don't make axes like they used to." Hector said to himself and he picked up another axe to swing, completely oblivious to the commotion going on around him.
"WAIT! He's alive!" One of the workers who doubled as a medic yelled after inspecting the foreman. "But he's hurt bad! Somebody call an ambulance!"
Hector then went into his back swing again and once again the axe head flew off, embedding itself into the mutilated head of the foreman.
"SON OF A BITCH!" The other workers yelled. After wiping the blood from his eyes, the medic-worker checked the foreman again. "Nevermind. He's dead. Call the morgue." He announced sadly.
Then the workers began to converge upon Hector. The young man began to notice shadows behind him. When he turned around, he found himself staring at dozens his own colleagues glaring at him menacingly while holding big shiny axes.
"Uhh…guys? Hi? Umm, what's with the looks? Why are you coming so close to me? And why are the axes out like that? Why? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE ALL GONNA KILL ME!" Hector screamed and covered his head with his hands and began to shake.
"Dude, calm down, you're not gonna die." One worker said.
"I'm not?" Hector asked hopefully.
"Nope, you're just fired. NOW GET OUT BEFORE WE REALLY KILL YOU!"
Hector didn't need any encouragement and he immediately ran out of the forest as fast as he could.
Charlie sighed as he trudged into the office building he works in. Ever since leaving the army, Charlie the tactician was hired by a huge technology firm to be a financial counselor. Unfortunately, his boss was also the most incompetent moronic idiot he's ever had the misfortune to meet. And after living with the likes of Serra and Bartre for over a year, that's really saying something.
Charlie quickly stamped his time card and rode the elevator to the top floor where he had the honor of having an office right next to his esteemed CEO's office. Somehow, he wished he was with the janitors instead, they had much more culture.
After entering the room, Charlie quickly set his briefcase down and got to work checking computer records of what his boss might have done overnight. Charlie remembered his second day at work when his boss bought nearly fifty-thousand shares of Martha Stewart stock without asking him. He sighed, that man belonged on some sports field and getting surrounded by groupies rather than in an office building playing with money.
As he worked his boss poked his head into the room. "Hey Char, got a second?"
'Christ.' Charlie thought. "Okay, give me a second Mark."
After going though the records and making sure it was clean, he turned towards his boss. "So, what's up Mark?"
"Well, I got a promotion idea!" Mark said.
Charlie groaned. "Again! Come on Mark! We've been over this already. You play with the dump trucks I bought you in your office and leave the finance to me. Now work with me here."
"But it's a cool idea!" Mark said. "PWEASE!"
"Christ… fine." Charlie said. "If it'll get you to shut up."
"OKAY!" Mark said. "Now, my plan is to use your background as being Lycian to promote our products, seeing as how your continent wasn't even discovered until a few weeks ago."
"Yes, I'm painfully aware of that since you made me watch The Village and put references to it in my office." Charlie said.
"Well, I say we dress you up like one of them monsters, get some hot dude to do something, you go away, people think it's cool, and we get monies!" Mark said.
"Wait…you want ME to dress in a chicken suit." Charlie said.
"Yep! It's perfect! Come on, what do you say?" Mark pleaded.
"I say you're insane. Now let me do my job and you go play with your toys." Charlie said.
"But CHAWEE!" Mark whined. "It'll be fun!"
"Mark, ever since I came to this country last week, I have been SICK of The Village. Yes I know old Elibe government got too obsessed with that movie and locked us into time, yes I KNOW that we just got technology last week, yes, I am PAINFULLY aware of the correlation, but for gods sake I am NOT dressing up in that chicken suit!" Charlie said.
"But you have to!" Mark said. "I'mma the boss! You do what I say otherwise I no pay you. Oh and I also want penguins."
"WHAT!" Charlie asked.
"Penguins!" Mark said. "I likie penguins! Ohhh and pie!"
"Of all the random…where'd that come from!" Charlie asked.
"I dunno…" Mark said. "I just like penguins and pie. Now do it Chawee or else I no pay you!"
"Well, guess what Mark." Charlie said. "'Chawee' no workie for you no more. I QUIT!"
With that, Charlie packed is things and stormed from the building. Charlie immediately bought a ticket back to Elibe and he made sure to plant a bomb under M. Night Shamalayn's house.
In the Ostian Public Library, Erk was settling in comfortably into his new job as a librarian. It wasn't that high paying, but he got to read every book in that library during quiet days. Sometimes the kids get too loud, but then Erk always…takes care…of them.
One day, it was quiet. Erk was sitting back with an edition of the encyclopedia. It was his dream to read the encyclopedia. Unfortunately, he just got through the "p's" when school got let out and kids began to flood the place. Sighing, Erk put down the heavy book and took his place as waves of noisy kids, rude teenagers, and them graduate students poured into the library, talking, being loud, listening to their "punk" music, and being a nuisance in general.
Secretly, Erk schemed to get rid of them, running the gamut from a fake emergency to taking a machine gun and killing them all. Then, as a rude awakening to his murderous thoughts, a tinny voice spoke to him.
"Uhh, mishter?" a little girl said. "I want to check this out."
"Okay." Erk said with a fake smile. "Here you go!"
Erk stamped the book and sent the girl off. "Bitch…" he muttered under his breath.
Then, out of the corner of his eyes, he saw two boys drawing in a book. Erk snapped. To him, desecrating a book was the biggest violation of the natural laws. Fuming, Erk pulled out a fire tome and began to rain bolts of fire down on the kids.
"DIE BITCHES! MUAHAHAH!" Erk yelled as he rained flaming death upon the little ones, seriously injuring many. Unfortunately, he forgot that paper was flammable as well.
In a second, the entire library was ablaze. The headmaster of the library ran from his quarters.
"ERK! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" He yelled.
"Those kids were desecrating a book!" Erk yelled back. "They had to be punished."
The headmaster looked at the books Erk was pointing to.
"YOU FOOL!" he yelled. "THAT'S A COLORING BOOK! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DRAW IN THEM!"
"Uhh…oh shit." Erk said.
"GET OUT! YOU'RE FIRED!" The headmaster said, lifting Erk by the collar and kicking him out of the library, literally.
Matthew couldn't help but smile when he saw Charlie enter the unemployment center.
"OH HO!" Matthew said. "What have we here? The man who fired us all here? In this center? My, what a turn of events."
"Shut up Matthew, I quit, unlike you who didn't even know that the real hope diamond is locked in an underground vault at nights." Charlie said. "Hell, is being a thief even considered a job!"
"What! How'd you know that!" Matthew asked wide-eyed.
"Dude, it's in the news! Some retard with sandy hair robbed the Smithsonian of a plastic jewel and then threw it back screaming 'AHH! IT'S REALLY CURSED!'" Charlie said, handing Matthew a copy of the newspaper. He then turned towards the TV with interest as it began to show his favorite show of all time. "AHH SWEET! Iron Chef is on!"
Charlie sat down on the couch as Matthew continued to read and began watching earnestly.
Five years ago, a man's dream became reality in a form never before seen to man, Kitchen Stadium, a massive cooking arena. His inspiration for building such a lavish battle arena? To experience new and authentic cuisines from around the globe. So secretly he began to choose the top men of culinary skills and he named his men, the Iron Chefs!
Iron Chef Chinese is Chen Kenichi. Iron Chef French is Hiroyuki Sakai. Iron Chef Japanese is Masaharu Morimoto. And Masahiko Kobe is Iron Chef Italian.
Everyday, challengers from around the world come to kitchen stadium to do battle with the Iron Chefs. Using all their skills, their senses and their creativity to create original dishes. And if ever a challenger triumphs over the Iron Chef, he will gain the people's fame and ovation forever. Every day, reputations are on the line here in Kitchen Stadium. What inspiration will today's challenger bring? And how will the Iron Chefs fight back? The heat will be on!
"If memory serves me right, just last week, the esteemed President Bush of the United States has just discovered a new continent on our planet called Elibe. This continent is one of mystery and magic, with dragons and sorcerers, that until now, was locked in a medieval-esque phase, not unlike the popular movie The Village. In this land, there was an epic battle where a ragtag army fought to save their land from a madman bent on world domination. That's where our challenger comes from. Today's challenger is Sir Lowen of the Pherae Knights, head chef of "Eliwood's Elite." His food is said to possess magical qualities, used to restore the army's strength after even the most grueling of battles. Now Sir Lowen, come show us your magical food and bring the strength of Eliwood's Elite to Kitchen Stadium!"
Chairman Kaga steps out into focus of the camera. He pulls a yellow bell pepper from a basket and takes a bite. Chewing on it, a smile slowly grows on his face as the camera zooms out and hundreds of chefs suddenly appear.
"What are you watching?" Serra asked as she and Priscilla approached Charlie.
"Iron Chef. Lowen's on!" Charlie said.
"Cool!" Priscilla said and She and Serra crowded around the TV. Matthew suddenly noticed that everyone was watching the television, so he decided to put down his papers and watch to.
Chairman Kaga walks out.
"Elibe, a land of mystics and dragons. Today, our challenger comes fro this land. His food is said to have…magical qualities. Now lets bring him on! The head chef of Eliwood's Elite, Lowen of Pherae!" Kaga announced proudly.
Lowen, in an apron and a tall hat strutted into Kitchen Stadium, looking proud in his new garb. He walked up to the Chairman and shook hands with him.
"Nice to meet you." Lowen said.
"Now, I hear you food is magical." Kaga said. "Is this true?"
"That's what they say." Lowen said.
"Then good luck." Kaga said. "And now, lets bring out the three Iron Chefs. I SUMMON THE IRON CHEFS!" Kaga said.
"And now, presenting the pride of the Gourmet Academy, YOUR IRON CHEFS!" The announcer said followed with an intro of each chef.
"So, who will it be?" Kaga asked.
"Umm, Chen-San please." Lowen replied.
After a little bio about Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi, the two chefs took their respective sides and waited to hear their secret ingredient.
"Elibe! When I hear this name, I think of the movie The Village. And when I think of that movie, I think about something protected. This gave me today's secret ingredient. To get to the good parts of this animal, you must go past its spiny defenses. Today's theme is!" Kaga said pulling a cloth from a table concealing something. "SEA URCHINS!"
Kaga waited a minute for the chefs to gather their thoughts.
"ALLEZ CUISINE!" Kaga then announced and a gong was banged. Signaling the beginning of the battle.
"And with a bang of gong we are on! Challenger Lowen, will he be able to defeat Iron Chef Chen? Hello everyone, Kenji Fukui here as always and with me I have lawyer Kiyoko Lee with me. Welcome Kiyoko."
"OHH! I LOVE FOOD!" Kiyoko said.
"Yes, I'm sure you do." Fukui said smiling. "And I'm sure you'll taste some great food today."
"SQUEE!" Kiyoko squealed.
"And with us as always is Doctor Yukio Hattori. Doc?" Fukui continued.
"Always a pleasure."
"Okay, Sea Urchin. How do you see this Hattori-San?" Fukui asked.
"Well, I know Chen's probably at a disadvantage, but then I don't know much about Elibean cooking, so it's an interesting match-up to see." Hattori-San said.
"Look at the Challenger!" Fukui said. "He seems to be…done."
"What? That can't be right." Hattori said. "He's only done one thing it seems, stuff the Sea Urchins into a pot with tons of Mexican hot sauce and it looks like Ilian Rum."
"Well, it looks like he's packing." Fukui said.
"Fukui-San." A floor reporter said.
"Yes, Shinichiro Ota from the floor, Ota-san, go." Fukui acknowledged.
"It seems that the challenger is indeed complete. He adheres to the code of chivalry in Lycia of which apparently dictates that only one dish may be served." Ota reported.
"Okay thank you. Yes the challenger is done, but if his food is as magical as people claim it to be, then it shouldn't be a problem." Fukui said.
"I'm hungry!" Kiyoko said.
"Hehe, you'll get your turn." Hattori-san said.
The next hour passed quickly and everyone watched as Chen-Kenichi prepared four dishes. Near the end of the hour, Lowen pulled his sea urchins from the pot. The meat was glowing, almost radioactive and was clearly poisonous. But since people thought it was magic, nobody got worried.
"The challenger has but one dish. A spicy sea urchin, Ilian Rum flavored. This sea urchin has completely been soaked through with Ilian Rum and hot sauce, giving it a spicy but authentic Ilian flavor. The Iron Chef counters with four. First a sea urchin sashimi, in this the natural flavor of the sea urchin is brought out with a special sesame dipping sauce. Second, sea urchin soup in sea urchin shell. The use of the shell as a bowl in this dish is a creative touch. Fourth, spicy sea urchin, Szechwan-Style. This is a rendition of his spicy shrimp, using sea urchins instead, truly a masterpiece. Lastly, a sea urchin dessert, using fresh cream and consommé jelly garnished with a bit of Japanese pocky." Fukui announced, recapping the dishes. "And now, the moment of truth, tasting and judgement. First up, is Iron Chef Chen. On the tasting panel are, former lower house member, Kurimoto, lawyer Kiyoko Lee, actress Miyuko Takata, and culinary critic Asako Kishi."
Chen serves his first dish to everyone and the panel eats the delicious food.
"OHH! GOOD!" Kiyoko squealed. "I wants more!"
Chen blinked and smiled. "Okay." He said serving more to the lawyer who happily wolfed it down.
"Wow Kiyoko-San." Kurimoto said. "You're packing it in. But I don't blame you, this dish is wonderfully prepared. Very good."
Next, Chen serves his sea urchin soup in sea urchin shells.
"YUMMY!" Kiyoko squealed again. "More?"
Chen chuckled and ladled some more soup for Kiyoko.
"Wow Kiyoko-San." Takata said. "I could never eat that much. But this soup is so delicate, I like it."
"This soup shows the depth of Chen-San's cooking. Very good." Kishi said.
Next Chen serves his main dish, the spicy sea urchin.
"I WANT-" Kiyoko was about to say.
"More, yes I know." Chen said and everyone laughed a bit as Kiyoko got her seconds again and happily ate it.
"Wow, I never knew this dish would work I must say, I was nervous at first." Kurimoto said. "But this is really good."
"I agree." Takata said.
And finally, Chen serves his dessert.
"YAY! POCKY!" Kiyoko said attacking the dessert.
"Haha, oh dear." Chen said as Kiyoko finished the dessert and pouted at him. "I guess you want more."
Kiyoko nodded and squealed happily when Chen served her.
"How do you stay so thin?" Takata asked. "I must have your secret."
Everybody laughed and praised Chen's creative use of sea urchins.
"Next up is Challenger Lowen." Fukui announced.
"Well, I must say I am looking forward to your magical dishes." Kaga said as he took a bite. Suddenly, he turned pain.
"HURP!" Kaga groaned. Everyone crowded him, asking him what was wrong, then suddenly, Kaga's stomach imploded and the man fell limp onto the table.
"YOU KILLED THE CHAIRMAN YOU BASTARD!" everyone yelled in unison.
"How could you!" Kurimoto said.
"GET OUT!" Hattori yelled. "BEFORE WE GET THE POLICE!"
"WEEE!" Kiyoko squealed as she picked up Lowen's deadly dish and chucked it at the unfortunate chef. Lowen had no choice but to run. Kiyoko chased after him, chucking pieces of his deadly sea urchin at him and Lowen wondered when the torture will stop.
Charlie stared at the TV.
"…he…he killed…NUUUU!" Charlie sobbed. Everyone was up, talking about the death of chairman Kaga. Iron Chef was a popular show, and now that the man funding it was dead, how could it go on?
Just then Lowen burst into the room. Charlie turned to see who was making all the racket, but suddenly Lowen slammed into him. Charlie stumbled backwards and crashed into Matthew, who wasn't fast enough to get out of the way. Matthew in turn slammed into Serra, dragging her down. Serra then tripped over Priscilla who also went down. Priscilla then in turn crashed into Sain who was suddenly dog-piled by everyone.
Kiyoko then followed. She saw the huge dog-pile and squealed. Setting aside her sea urchin, she got on top of Charlie's stomach and started to jump on it.
"Dog pile on the pervert!" She chanted.
"OOF!" Sain yelled as he got crushed. "Spine… shattering… organs… failing… spleen… missing… can't… breathe…" He gasped.
"OW!" Charlie said as Kiyoko jumped on his stomach. "Kiyo… get off me? My stomach isn't a trampoline."
"Whoops." Kiyoko said and stopped as everyone got up and put bones back into place.
"So, looks like Lowen finally got a girlfriend." Hector said walking in suddenly. "I saw her chase him all the way here."
"I'm not his girlfriend!" Kiyoko yelled and tossed a piece of sea urchin at Hector.
"SON OF A!" Hector yelled. "WHAT IS THIS! IT LOOKS POISONOUS!"
"It is." Charlie said. "Lowen killed someone with it…by the way, how DID you get to Ostia from Japan in like, three minutes?"
"Ahhh…" Lowen began then he paused. "I don't know…Kiyoko, how DID we get here?"
Kiyoko shrugged and pulled down a world map. "That's a good question. From the distance marked here, it doesn't really make sense."
"Oh well." Charlie said. "Just curious. It's been a while Kiyo."
"Wait, you KNOW this hyperactive ball of boiling energy?" Lowen said.
"Yeah, I went to high school with her." Charlie said. "She was worse back then, but she moved away, went to law school in Japan."
Lowen sadly shook his head. "I feel sorry for you. So, what happened to you?"
"Meh, I quit because the moron I worked for wanted to put me in a chicken suit and wouldn't shut up about stupid "The Village". What about you Hector?" Charlie said.
"Meh, I killed my boss." Hector replied coolly.
"WHAT!" Every cried out.
"YOU KILLED your boss!" Matthew said. "AHAHAH! Oh my god, that is the most BONEHEADED thing I've every heard of!"
"HEY SHUT UP!" Hector barked and he began to chase Matthew around with an axe. Kiyoko and the tactician began to catch up on old days and talk about a certain murderous friend they had back then, and Serra and Priscilla were arguing over their latest thing. Sain was still crying on the couch. That's when Erk showed up.
"Hey Erk!" Charlie said. "You're here too?"
"Yeah…" Erk said. "Lousy bastard…kick me out will you? WELL I'LL SHOW YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!" Erk screamed.
Everyone looked at him and took one good step away from him as Erk huffled over to a couch and sat down to read. Immediately Serra and Priscilla were in competition to gain his attention.
As this went on, the receptionist decided to pack it for the day. She made a note to come back tomorrow four hours later and have a 5 hour lunch so she wouldn't have to deal with these people. Quietly, she snuck out of the building, locking the people in with a few blankets and all their noise and commotion.
Charlie: DONE! Frankly, everything in this chapter sucked except for the killer sea urchins. That one was in the old one. I always like the killer sea urchins. Well, anyways, hope you guys like this. Keep reviewing, and eat your veggies!
Erk: Oh and if anybody asks, I never burned down a public library.
Charlie: Yeah you did.