Okay, I have read all of the Harry Potter books that are out but as far as I'm concerned I'm still a relative novice in this fandom. If I have made any mistakes in this chapter please feel free to tell me. Any suggestions for fandoms? I still have a few more, including WWE, and we all know what a mess that place is. Read on, please.

Date Uploaded: 22 June 2005

Chapter 05: Little Miss Perfect

"You promised you would bend over for me, Joshua."

"Jesus, Alexis, you'd hold me to that? I said it in the heat of the moment!"

"I don't fucking care. Now take your punishment like a man and bend over!"

To anyone who happened to be standing outside Erin Van Der Lee's office that morning, hearing this conversation would have no doubt startled and bemused them. This was the case of Erin's secretary, who had stopped mid-bite of her croissant and was now staring at the door with incredulous curiosity. Of course it wasn't exactly what she thought.

Inside Alexis pointed an accusing finger at Joshua but looked at Erin. "You heard him, right, Erin? He specifically said that in the event he fucked up our next mission, which he obviously did, he would personally bend over so I could boot his ass out myself! Now I demand he keep to that promise!"

"Listen, I hardly think I did so bad…" Joshua began to defend himself, but the irritated Alexis cut him off.

"You saw one creepy little thing and started screaming like a little girl, in my head!" Alexis said fiercely, drumming the words home into his cranium as well. "We could have failed the entire thing if not for a little luck and quick thinking on my part!"

"Oh yeah, dress up like Dante, I could have thought of that."

"And yet you didn't!"

"All right, I want you two to knock it off right now or you'll both be suspended!" Erin bellowed. Her threat may have been more intimidating if she didn't have a huge mouthful of Egg McMuffin clogging it up. Nevertheless it did work and her squabbling agents shut up. "That's better," she said, swallowing. "Now I'm not going to pretend that Joshua didn't make an ass out of himself in your last assignment…"

Alexis shot Joshua a triumphant look.

"… But you seem to forget, Alexis, he stopped you from making a huge mistake on your part yourself," Erin continued.

"And how is that?" Alexis said scornfully.

"You gave that Sue eight shots in the face before St. Louis here reminded you about not going overboard," Erin snapped. "If you had done any more I would have head to put you on probation. The way I see it, you both saved each other's skin here in the agency."

Alexis and Joshua were both quiet. At least they seemed to be.

Tool.

Bitch.

Scab.

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing!" Erin warned shrilly. These two were being such children. "Now the way I see it, St. Louis has at least earned himself another chance." She threw another case file on the desk. "And here it is. But three strikes and I'll have no qualms letting Riviera kick you out right into next Tuesday."

"Hey, as they say, third time's the charm," Joshua said with his most charismatic grin.

»»»

The Three Broomsticks was relatively full that afternoon. Alexis and Joshua sat at a small table to one side, the former swigging butterbeers and the latter taking one last glance at the case file. Both of them had switched their suits for witch and wizard robes.

"Sue000400079 is overload, definitely," Joshua was saying. "Daughter of Lord Voldemort, a parseltongue, excellent in all subjects and an exchange student from America. Of course she's staggeringly beautiful."

"Of course."

"She's destined to end up in Slytherin and become Draco Malfoy's object of utmost affection," Joshua followed up, sipping out of his own drink.

"That colorless little piss-off? What in the hell do fan girls see in that kid?"

"You're asking the wrong guy," Joshua said, looking back at the folder. "Apparently the timeline we're in is during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Thankfully for us the Sue will spawn somewhere outside the school grounds, since apparently the rule of not being able to apparate and disapparate in and out of Hogwarts applies to them as well. Not to mention us."

"Apparate?" Alexis asked, although seemed to be more interested in looking at the bottom of her mug.

"Teleport, for lack of a better term. Anyway, our little Sue will probably take a considerable time getting to castle doors before intending to make a scene in the Great Hall that'll draw all attention to her arrival. We should be waiting for her inside the castle before that happens."

Alexis' response to that was a loud belch. Joshua gave her a disgusted look. "That was attractive," he said dryly.

"Screw you, St. Louis," she said, shifting comfortable in her seat. She looked approvingly at the three empty butterbeer mugs in front of her. "These are good. Let's get some more." She would have waved her arm at Madam Rosmerta if Joshua hadn't stopped her.

"Stop it, would you? We can't risk calling any more attention to ourselves."

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have chosen such a crowded area."

"Like Sirius said, with more people around there's less chance of being heard, unlike in the Hog's Head," he said.

Alexis' blank look clearly indicated that she had no idea what he was saying.

Joshua sighed. "'Order of the Phoenix', fifth book. You should read it."

"Probably. But that would entail having to read all four books before it. And I still have a shit-load of games to finish."

Joshua rolled his eyes and then looked at his watch. "All right, time to move."

Unsure of how much money to leave, he simply dumped two galleons onto the table, leaving the tavern with Alexis. Both were unaware of the old witch at the bar who raised her head and gave them a sinister smile as they left.

»»»

It was dusk when Aleixs and Joshua hit the Hogwarts grounds. From there they caught sight of a few pupils milling around before dinner and casually joined them, morphing their appearance so that they looked younger and trading their clothes for black school robes. A couple of minutes later bells rang and the students began to file back into the castle.

Once inside the immense double doors, Alexis and Joshua gradually began to break off from the pack. There was a moment of uncertainty as to where to hide, but a quick survey of the paintings found them to be empty.

"Typical," a tall sixth year said. "They must have moved closer to the Great Hall to hear who gets to be picked as champions for the three schools."

"Well isn't that convenient for us," Joshua said in a low voice as the crowd went on ahead. "Quick, hop into one of the paintings. We'll wait there until the Sue comes."

"Hop into the what?" Alexis asked, but by then he had jumped into a frame featuring a telescope pointed up into the night sky. Shrugging, Alexis followed suit, only into a picture with a large tree decked with flowers. And they waited.

They weren't waiting long before the gaunt figure of Argus Filch shuffled over and began to close the doors. A harried voice stopped him. "Wait; please, not yet!"

And Sue000400079 appeared. Despite her refutable ties with Lord Voldemort, or probably because of it, she did not have near reptilian features. Glossy strawberry-blonde hair fell down her shoulders in a sheet, and her clear eyes inexplicably changed colors depending on her temper, outdoing any mood ring. She gave the impression of being too shiny to be real.

Filch looked at her like he would something that had gotten stuck under his shoe. "You're late; ought to shut you outside for the night! It might do a pest like you some good!"

"You wouldn't," Sue000400079 scoffed. "For one thing, you have no authority to. For another, right now you'd rather crawl back to your hole and review those magic manuals you paid for, am I right, Squib? Not much good they'll do you, though; having just some measly magic isn't enough to make students respect you."

Filch stared at her, bewildered. "How did you…?"

Legilimens. Alexis received that wry not from Joshua. It should take years to learn that but not for Little Miss Perfect, no… Bitch.

She grinned. It's not like you to be bitter and cynical. Leave that role to me.

I'd be glad to, believe me. Oh, and remind me to get the Alteration Branch to fix Filch's memory; can't have him remembering this atrocious little gem.

"Have the house-elves take my trunk, would you?" Sue000400079 brushed past Filch haughtily and, it would assume, proceeded to the Great Hall. Joshua gave Alexis a discreet nod and they followed, leaving Filch to scratch his head.

»»» continued