Title: Look Who's Talking
Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine
Summary: see chapter one
Warnings: see chapter one
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.
"…Aaaannnddd…what do I do with it?"
"He will serve to your every needs for the rest of your life."
Sesshoumaru didn't like that idea. Kneeling before the tiny demon shivering next to Inutaisho's desk, the pup poked it carelessly with a sharp claw, drawing blood. The miserable thing squawked and scrambled beneath the heavy furniture, bulbous eyes staring out at the two taller demons.
"…It's a frog," his son concluded, wiping his bloody claw on the carpet.
"It's a kappa, and he is your new retainer."
"Don't want it."
"Sesshoumaru, this is not an option. Every demon lord needs a retainer."
"Well then I want a bigger one."
"A lord's greatness is not measured by his possessions."
"Then why do you have three swords?"
"Because one is to go to each of you when I pass on to rest with the other rulers of the—"
"But you won't be dying anytime soon!" his firstborn bemoaned, throwing himself into a chair and pouting. "What am I supposed to do until you finally kick the bucket? I bet I could conquer all of Japan in one day if I had those swords now. And what about the third sword? I'm getting that one too, right?"
"And why should you?"
"I'm your son."
"I have two sons."
"I'm your favourite son."
"You are both my offspring and I love you both just as much…when you aren't making me regret consummating my marriages to your mothers. You will be receiving one sword each, Sesshoumaru, when you're ready for it. For now, you need a retainer and I put a lot of effort into finding this one."
"You fished it out of the pond outside your bedroom, didn't you?"
"Which just so happens to be biggest, deepest pond on the palace grounds, I'll have you know."
"And you didn't do the fishing yourself; you got one of the servants to dive to the bottom to get it."
"The best servant we have."
"Why do I need another servant anyway? I have plenty to boss around already. It's hard, bullying so many different people all the time. One more is just extra work."
"This one will be your personal servant, who will both teach you and entertain you."
"I already have teachers, and the runt is entertaining enough."
"About that: burying your brother alive in a pit filled with venomous things with eight legs is not humorous. Now you will take this kappa and you two will form a lifelong bond and you will develop some sense of compassion!"
Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes but slipped out of the chair, reached under the desk, grabbed the confused creature by a leg and dragged it out of the room, almost shutting its head in the door.
Inutaisho wondered if anyone else feared the future of these lands as much as he did.
The next day…
"My kappa broke."
"Can I get a new one that will properly bounce when I throw it off the roof?"
"Sesshoumaru, what possessed you to throw your retainer off the roof?"
"How else was I going to get it down after I threw it up there in the first place?"
"Why were you throwing him around in the first place?"
"I was trying to make it more interesting. Can the next one also have longer legs? It's bothersome having to kick it ahead of me all the time to make it keep up with me."
"I will get you another one, seeing how important it is you find a good retainer, but you will take better care of him, understood?"
The next, next day…
"When a kappa lies perfectly still in a pool of its own blood, after having convulsed violently, and its head is twisted all the way around and its tongue is really swollen, does it mean that it's dead?"
"I'm…pretty sure it does."
"Then my kappa's dead."
The next, next, next day…
"Under…certain circumstances, do kappas naturally melt?"
The next, next, next, next day…
"Father, do you like your soup?"
"It's actually delicious, yes."
"I made it."
"Did you now?"
"I've never tasted anything like it before. What's in it?"
Inutaisho looked down into his half empty soup bowl to find a bulbous yellow eyeball staring back at him.
The next, next, next, next, next day…
"Servant, where's father?"
"He's still recovering in his chambers, my prince."
"Then you get me a kappa."
"I'm afraid there are none left in the pond."
"I'll burn you."
"…You know, I think I heard a few croaking in the lake."
"Are the ones in the lake capable of growing back missing limbs?"
"I'm not sure…"
"…Bring me two while you're at it."
The next, next, next, next, next, next day…
"Father, did you know that, if you stretch them just enough, without snapping their spines, kappas make awesome slingshots?"
Inutaisho turned away and went back to sleep.
The next, next, next, next, next, next, next day…
Inutaisho sighed, staring through his fingers at the fluffy white puppy with red eyes before him on the grass, hacking and coughing.
"Yes, Sesshoumaru, kappas can be choking hazards."
The next, next, next, next, next, next, next, next day…
"Sesshoumaru, I am getting fed up with you continuously squishing, burning, skinning, drowning, losing and/or trying to send your retainers to the moon, so, for today, I won't be hearing whatever it is you've done the last one."
"I didn't do anything to it."
"…Oh. Then what can I help you with?"
"My kappa walked in on mother changing and she threw out the window…"
"Then go get him."
"…and it landed in the human's garden while she was planting some roses…"
"There you go. He's in safe hands with Izayoi."
"…and she freaked out and threw it back into mother's room."
"Then ask you mother if you can have him back."
"…Mama dropped a chest on it…"
"He could still be alive…"
"…Then she threw it back outside and the human freaked out again and whacked it high into the air with a shovel and then a big demon crow flew down and ate it whole. See, kappa's are too edible!"
"You're still banned from the kitchen."
"I want another kappa."
"Perhaps you aren't ready for a retainer. You're still too young."
"Being a kid sucks."
"Wait until you have one of your own…"
"What was that?"
"Can I have a flying, fire-breathing, two-headed, brown dragon in the meantime?"
"Too late. I already found one. Can I keep it inside the palace?"
"But, father, I've already found it the perfect den."
"DAAAAAAAAAAAD, THERE'S A DRAGON IN MY ROOM!!!!!" a terrified voice shrieked from upstairs.
"Speaking of which, do you think hanyous can be choking hazards for dragons?"
Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many YEARS later…
"Y-Yes, Lord Sesshoumaru?"
"Can you bounce?"
"Answer the question."
"I-I-I'm pretty s-sure that us kappas aren't m-made for b-bouncing, my lord."
"…H-H-How do you sug-suggest I get out of this v-v-very tall tree you t-th-threw me i-in, m-my lord?"
Turning away from where a little girl was busy twisting flowers into the manes of her flying, fire-breathing, two-headed, brown dragon, Sesshoumaru looked up at the quivering creature high in the branches above him with a mischievous gleam in his eyes and a barely visible yet childishly devious smile on his face.
"Perhaps I can assist you…"
A/N: Couldn't resist adding that last part XD
Read & Review, please.