Selling Yourself to Fate
"James, what's Sirius's excuse for being late today?" Remus Lupin asked his student exasperatedly. James always had an excuse ready for his friend, it was a load of bull, Remus knew, but everyday he asked anyways. He guessed he was just curious, how in gods name did James manage to come up with a different excuse for almost every day of the school week, for his friend coming in late or not at all.
"Well you see professor, he called me last night and I reminded him about that English essay that's due today and he'd completely forgotten and he's probably trying to finish it right now and I know that he had a tons of other homework in other classes…"
"I see, o.k., everyone turn to page 15 in Loves Labours Lost, why does Dumaine protest the contents of the contract? Yes, Lily?"
"Dumain protests over the contents of the contract because he does not agree that…" Lily droned on and on.
Lily was a very bright girl and as far as he could tell funny and a nice person to be a round, she just tended to go a little over board in the school work department. Her answer to each question was practically an essay and that was just annoying. Remus thought to himself.
"Thank you Lily, anyone else?" Remus interrupted. No one else raised their hand, so he continued on with a slightly condensed answer to the question.
Sirius stumbled into the class room 15 minutes before the bell was due to ring. He barely acknowledged the rest of the class or the very irate teacher as he slumped down in the chair beside James. James whispered something in his ear, but Sirius didn't seem to care he just put his head down on his desk and closed his eyes.
"So nice of you to join us, Sirius. Did you finish the chapter questions and the essay that are due today?" Remus asked with a raised eye brow.
"Ya I did it…" Sirius replied slurring his words together as he raised his head off of the desk and grabbing a piece of paper from James and pulling James's answers towards him.
"Sirius, I meant did you finish them on your own?" I replied, annoyed that he was so blatantly copying.
"I know…" he replied without looking up "I'm just copying James's answers so that I can correct my other answers later. I forgot them at home." His slur was just barely distinct, but it was their none the less.
He is so obviously lying that it isn't even funny, but you can't go around accusing your students of lying, thought Remus.
"I'd like to see you after class if that's not too much trouble" I replied with a smile.
"Sure… whatever" he said still not looking up.
The rest of class passed quickly and everyone came forward to hand in their essays… except Sirius. He didn't even come up, no crappy excuse… no sheepish grin… nothing… Remus walked down the row of desks too where Sirius had his head down on his arms.
"Sirius? Did you finish your essay?" Remus asked. All he received was a muffled groan "Sirius, are you o.k.?"
Slowly Sirius lifted his head up and looked at Remus "I'm fine" he mumbled "Just a bit tired…"
"Oh my god Sirius! What happened?" Remus gasped. Sirius had a huge bruise along the left side of his face and he had a faded black eye.
"I walked into a door, is all…" Sirius mumbled not meeting Remus's eye.
"Sirius, I may be a teacher but I'm not stupid. What happened?" Remus said pulling up a chair and sitting down to face Sirius. "James you may go for break, Sirius will catch up to you."
"But… Yes professor." James said, giving Sirius a quick, reassuring smile as he hoisted his bag onto his back and walked out of the classroom.
"I told you professor, I walked into a door." Sirius said quietly.
"You must have run into the door, to have created a bruise like that! Sirius, please tell me what happened, did you get into a fight with someone in the school?" Remus questioned.
"What did you want to talk to me about professor?" Sirius asked, changing the subject purposely.
Remus sighed, damn secretive teenagers "It's barely two months into the school year and you've already missed 19 full days of school and you've been late for almost every other day, what's the deal?"
"Sorry, I'll try and do better" Sirius replied quietly.
"Sirius, if your having pro--" Remus put his hand on Sirius's shoulder, Sirius flinched away violently "problems, you can always talk to me. If someone's hurting you, I can stop it."
Sirius just looked at him with distrustful eyes "It's nothing, just forget about it."
"I can't forget about it, you've come in with bruises before and Mrs. Hooch says that you've had injuries else where on your body that prevent you from participating in some of the activities. Sirius, either someone's hurting you or your doing something dangerous that results in these injuries. Please Sirius; I only want to help you."
"Look Mr. Lupin, there's nothing you can do about it, anything you try, will only make matters wor- er… more difficult. I'm fine." Sirius told Remus firmly, finally looking him in the eye.
"You don't sound fine to me—" Remus was cut off suddenly by Sirius standing up and grabbing his bag.
"I'm fine professor, just leave me alone." Sirius snarled and strode towards the door.
"I'm not done talking to you Sirius, we still have to discuss your marks" Remus said as he stood up and followed Sirius to where he stood at the door.
"We can talk about them another time" Sirius said angrily, looking Remus in the eye challengingly.
"Sirius, I think we should talk about them now…" Remus trailed off as Sirius opened the door and stalked down the hall way. James broke off from trying to flirt with Lily Evans and followed him.
Sirius was an odd one. He wasn't like any of my other students. He didn't try to get your attention; in fact he preferred to keep out of the lime light. He didn't want any one to notice him, it was strange. He'd go to the extremes to remain in the background, to keep off of center stage. At one point his Math teacher Professor McGonagall wanted him to go to into a provincial math competition and he flat out refused. She kept pushing him and pushing him and finally he got so angry with her that he told her to go fuck a goat and picked up a desk and threw it through a window. He was suspended for two weeks and during that time he managed to graffiti one third of the school and make such a fucker of himself that the school finally made a deal with him, he'd stop graphitizing the school and they'd let him back in 4 days early. And for approximately two weeks after that, he arrived at school an hour before it started and got his homework done in that hour before class began, he even paid attention in class, he was a different kid during those two weeks. He was more alive, he was awake, he laughed 'happily' instead of pessimistically and cynically. He offered answers in class, he even did a brief stint of community service just for the heck of it and then it was over, he missed three days of class and when he came back he was… different. He was back to his old self but with a twist, he didn't care anymore, he didn't bother to make up good excuses when he didn't do his homework or when he came to school late. James continued to do it for him, but Sirius just didn't give a crap. He didn't care if the teachers talked about him or if they sent him to the school therapist. He'd just fuck with the therapist's mind like he did with everything else. He'd have a right old laugh about it, him and James. For those two weeks his grades soared, not that he hadn't gotten good grades before throwing the desk out the window, but he got all A s for those two weeks and then they plummeted. The rare piece of work that he did complete was exceptional; it was obvious that he had potential and that if he actually tried he'd do great, but he just honestly didn't seem to care. It was sad, but every time a teacher tried to get close to him, he'd push them away angrily and go off in a huff and then next day one of the walls of the school would be graffitied with coarse words and rants against the school. There was no actual evidence leading to Sirius, but everyone knew he did it. There was just no proof; they couldn't bring him in to talk to him about it, unless they had good solid proof. They'd questioned James and tried to convince him that they were only trying to do what was best for Sirius, but James refused to give in. Eventually the teachers gave up and just let Sirius be, their belief on the matter was that the boy was a lost cause, but I didn't think so. If I could find out what motivated Sirius for those two weeks than maybe I could get Sirius to open up like that all the time. But so far I seemed to be fighting a losing battle in trying to get closer to the boy.
Sighing I grabbed my coat and headed to the staff room, while I was passing the boys washroom a short chubby kid came hurrying out, he almost barged into me, but managed to swerve just in time. From the open door I heard something crash against a wall and an angry voice saying "Johnson I've been waiting two weeks for that payment and I haven't received it yet. Where is it?" another voice, this one sounded more scared than angry "I'll have it to you by tomorrow, honest. I'm real sorry Black, I just haven't been able to gather any—"
Whatever the kid had to gather was cut off as the door closed. Whatever was happening in there wasn't good, I decided to intervene in whatever skirmish was taking place.
Opening the door I heard a voice growling "If that money isn't here by tomorrow I'm going to have to extract some extra payment of my own choosing."
I rounded the corner and saw Sirius pinning a boy named David Johnson against a wall "Excuse me boys, do we have a problem?" I asked pleasantly.
Sirius dropped the Johnson boy like a stone and flinched away from me, he turned his back on myself and the boy, then proceeded to fiddle with something in his pocket.
"I hope you boys weren't fighting!" I queried.
"Nah, we wasn't having a fight, right Johnson?" Sirius asked in a deceptively cool voice.
"Nope, just chatting. Well I have to be going, see ya professor!" Johnson said as he scurried out.
"I hope every thing's alright between you two." I said trying to sound nonchalant.
"It's nothing professor, don't worry about it. You must have something important to be doing right now…" It was an obvious dismissal and I wasn't having any of it. I walked slowly over to him so that we were only a few feet apart.
"Sirius, why do you insist on pushing me away? I just want to help you, to get to know you-" I was cut off as he pushed me roughly into a cubicle and spun me around and pinned me against the door of the cubicle.
"You want to get to know me? Are you sure you want to know me!" He asked, pressing against me roughly, his face was a few scant centimetres from my own and his breath tickled my hair, he leaned forward and whispered in my ear "I think… if you got to know me, that you'd find I'm a very different person then you think I am… and I don't think you want to meet that person… or maybe I don't want you meeting that person." As he said this he nuzzled my cheek bone and slowly made his way down to my throat.
"Sirius—" I managed to choke out, I could feel my body responding to him. Each touch of Sirius's lips on my throat scent fire racing through my veins, strait to my groin. Trying to will away my growing erection I tried to push Sirius off, it didn't work… he just pressed closer, I could feel his erection brush my budding one. "Sirius" I repeated "why—what are you doing?"
Instead of replying he trailed his tongue along my jaw line, while the hand that wasn't pinning my arms above my head, found its way under my shirt. His tongue had finished its journey down my jaw and now he pressed his lips to mine and his tongue pushed against my lips, begging entrance. I had no idea what to do, he was my student, but it felt so damn good and I really had no control over the situation, but he was my student! And he obviously had some problems he needed to work out if he felt the need to… to… do this! I opened my mouth to tell him to stop and that we needed to talk, but the second my lips parted his tongue darted in and suddenly the wet warmth of Sirius's mouth enveloped mine and any thought of stopping flew out of my head. Sirius's tongue explored my mouth as he slowly began to grind his hips against mine.
"I want to take you, right here, right now…" He asked me huskily in my ear, I just moaned "You want know why I won't?" I just moaned again "Because if I do… you will know me… and I can't let that happen." And with that he released my wrists and pushed me aside and whisked out of the bathroom stall and out of the bathroom.
I just slumped against the wall my mind spinning… I'd just been kissed by one of my students, one of my male students. I wasn't gay was I? No I couldn't be… I'd had girlfriends, I'd almost come close to marrying one before she just disappeared. I was only 25 for God's sake! Holy Mary, Mother of God was I ever in a pickle… a REALLY big pickle, a fucking giant of a pickle! What had I done? I had to find Sirius and… snog him? The evil, perverted part of my brain suggested. No! I snarled back, I had to find Sirius and explain to him that… what just happened was a mistake… although Sirius didn't seem to think all that much about it… All in all I had to find Sirius and sit him down and talk to him. This was serious… in more than one way.
I walked out of the stall and came face to face with James Potter; he jumped in shock and glanced at the door, before looking back at me.
"Uh… Hello professor! Have you seen Sirius?" he asked.
I took a deep breath "Yes and no… I saw him a few seconds ago, but I'm looking for him now, I need to talk to him."
James's face fell "um… professor about that… I know it's not really my place to talk to you like this but…" his face hardened and took on a determined look "But leave Sirius the fuck alone? Stop trying worm his secrets out of him, he has enough troubles without having to worry about fucking teachers jumping him at every corner." James poked me hard in the chest at the very end of his speech and then turned and stalked out.
Why was every one crazy today? James, who was usually polite and helpful suddenly becoming vicious, Sirius who always tried to stay out of people's attention, snogged me in the bathroom, something that's sure to catch my attention. I wouldn't be surprised to walk into the staff room and see McGonagall wearing a thong! Shuddering, I made my way through the halls of Hogwarts Public High School to the staff room. Opening the door I peeked in first, just to make sure that McGonagall wasn't wearing a thong.
Sighing in relief, I made my way over to the small stove in one of the corners, right next to the fridge, I poured myself a cup of hot water and plopped a t-bag in. Only 5 and a half hours to go till the end of the school day, I was doomed.
I was jerked out of my reverie when my pager went off, I dug through my pockets till I found it. Looking at I sighed, it was my buddy Hyde. Hyde had been my friend since I was 9 and was currently my roommate. He was into all that new fangled techno stuff, so he was of course well versed in computer short hand lingo. Myself… I was a dunce with it. What the hell did lol mean or rolfl or brb? Hyde never ceased to make fun of me about the fact that I couldn't get a hang of this whole short hand stuff. I was an English professor I wasn't supposed to be good at that kind of thing. Why couldn't these people just take the extra 5 seconds and type the whole word. Anyways back to the message, oh no… he wanted me to go clubbing with him again. That wouldn't be a bad thing on its own, except that Hyde was gay, so clubbing with him meant that we went to gay clubs. We alternated, if I chose the club one week then he would choose the club the next week. Invariably it became gay club, strait club, gay club, strait club. It was fun to dance at gay clubs and all but there were just too many guys who wanted to take someone home for the night…
Although after Sirius… No I am not gay! Its not that I have anything against gay people, its just I'm not one of them…
Oh whatever… I'd better get to work correcting those essays if I'm going to go clubbing tonight.
End of Remus's pov
James Potter's pov:
I knew exactly where to find Sirius and I knew exactly what he'd be doing. Sure enough I rounded the corner of the supply shed at the far end of the school grounds and there he was, dividing a packet of cocaine into even lines with his Parole Card. He glanced up at me and muttered "Hey James, what ar'you doing here?" before pulling out a rolled piece of paper and bending over, plugging one of his nostrils and taking a good, long snort. He sat back up and shook his head a bit, then looked back up at me.
"Sirius, why is Lupin looking for you?" I asked carefully.
"Lupin, Lupin… Oh right THAT Lupin, uh… I might have said something… I think its cuz of my most recent acquisition to my face, or it might be cuz I snogged him in the bathroom…" he told me in a vague sort of voice.
"You snogged Loony Loopy Lupin? Holy shit, Sirius…" I gasped.
"Don't call him that! He's… nice… aw fuck James, I like him!" Sirius moaned in despair.
"I know he's a nice teacher, he's a lot better then some and I guess he's got a pretty good sense of humour but…" I broke off as Sirius looked up at him with baleful eyes.
"I don't mean like, as in I like him as a good teacher, James. I mean I like him." This time Sirius put more emphasis on the word, before bending down to take another snort "remember that guy Monty?"
"Oh ya, wasn't he that drug dealer, from the south side?" I asked.
"No, that was Andrew, Monty the one that I really, really liked, he worked at that bar down near Bank Street."
"OH! Him, he must have been your longest relationship ever." I exclaimed with sudden realization "but what does that have to do with Loon—er… Lupin?"
"I think I like Lupin the same way I liked Monty…" Sirius said with a despairing sigh.
"Oh I see… you WHAT?" I suddenly figured out what Sirius meant. "OH! Oh my god… but you told me that you loved Monty, you can't be trying to tell me that you love Mr. Lupin!" Sirius just nodded miserably as he took another snort. "Holy shit! But… shit… you can't mean… shit….like that…. SHIT! In the same way as…. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"
"That all you can say James?" Sirius asked as he leaned back against the wall of the shed, he shook his head a bit and blinked a couple of times.
"How high are you? You know you shouldn't take to many hits in to short a period of time…" I said squatting down in front of Sirius. Sirius leaned forward and took another hit. "Are you listening to a word I'm saying?"
Sirius shook his head disjointedly as if he wasn't to sure what he was doing and didn't quite have control of his actions.
"O.k. Sirius listen to me, no listen to me. Focus on my hand, see my hand focus on it" I said slowly and patiently waving my hand in front of Sirius's face, Sirius would focus on my hand for a few seconds and then his eyes would drift somewhere else. "Sirius focus on me know!" I snapped, loosing what little patience I had, "SIRIUS" I slapped Sirius hard across the face, Sirius's eyes flew to my face and stayed there. "Good, now listen to me, I'm going to help you stand up and then we'll go over to the school and your going to say you threw up, o.k. and that you're going to go home. Do you understand me?"
Sirius looked at James for several seconds and then finally answered "you… hit me…"
James sighed and rolled his eyes "Yes Sirius, I hit you, I'm sor- what the-"
Whatever I was about to say was lost as Sirius punched me in the face "You, hit me! You son-of-a-bitch…" Sirius pushed himself to his feet using the wall as support. "You hit me!"
I got up holding my hand to my cheek "That hurt, you bastard. I don't care how high you are, I'm going to beat the living shit out of you!" I growled a grin playing on my lips as I balled up my fists and started towards Sirius, we hadn't had a good fight in a long time, we never fought to actually hurt each other, it was just for fun "there's only one thing that can save you from a beating now, you know what that is don't you, Sirius?"
Sirius snarled and lunged at me, bowling me over and pinning me to the ground. "I will… not sing…" he managed to say before I flipped him off of me, tussling but not pinning him. "I'm a… Little Tea… pot in….assembly."
"Well… then prepare to be beaten!" I said pulling Sirius to his feet and using the momentum him to send the other boy flying into the school yard.
"You… can't beat me" Sirius said haltingly, pushing himself to his feet and stumbling into a fighting stance. "Never."
"You might have had a chance if you weren't completely stoned!" I replied, tackling Sirius to the ground.
We were now so involved in their fight we didn't hear the angry shouts or see the teachers running out of the school until we were dragged apart, both of us struggled for a few seconds, but then I realised who was telling us to stop, it was Dumbledore.
"Sirius, SIRIUS, quite it, its Dumbledore." I yelled at his friend who was trying to pull free from the manacle like hands of the Spanish teacher, Mr. Jefferson. Sirius ceased his struggles immediately, and sagged in the mans grip.
"What in the name of thunder is going on here?" Dumbledore asked in a quite but angry voice.
"We were just having a bit of a tussle sir" I replied quickly, Mr. Lupin let me go seeing that I wasn't going to attack anybody.
"A tussle? Look at the bruise on Sirius's cheek, I don't call that a tussle." Dumbledore said grabbing Sirius's chin and tilting his head so that the teachers standing around could see the bruise.
"I didn't give that to him, sir" I replied hurriedly. Oh shit this was moving into dangerous territory.
"Then who did?"
"Uh… I don't know sir; he must have gotten into a fight or walked into something…"
Dumbledore gave me one of his looks that said that he knew I was lying but he was going to let it go. "Mr. Jefferson would you please take Sirius to your office to calm down and maybe talk some sense into him?" Mr. Jefferson nodded and took Sirius's arm and began to lead him into the school "and Mr. Lupin if you would accompany Mr. Potter to his next class, I believe he has Math now. Have a good day boys and do try to keep out of trouble."
"Yes sir" I replied glancing over at Sirius who was only being kept on his feet by Mr. Jefferson. The two of them staggered into the school followed by Dumbledore and the other teachers and I was left alone with Mr. Lupin. There was a bit of an awkward silence before finally he spoke.
"Well, I should be getting back to my essays, so I'll just take you to your math class, is there anything you need to pick up from your locker?" he asked in a pleasant voice.
End of James pov
The boy walked beside me, looking every where but at me, it was obvious that he was nervous; we needed a conversation… conversation….
"Soooo…. What are you doing in math right now?" I asked in a would be calm voice.
He glanced at me "uh… we're starting a new unit today, but we just finished Sampling and Bias…"
"To tell you the truth I have no idea what you're talking about… Math was my worst subject when I was in school." I told him truthfully. "All those numbers just went right over my head."
He looked at me surprised as we stopped at his locker to pick up his math book "Wow… I've never heard a teacher admit to being crappy at something…" he said as he spun the dial on his lock.
"Crappy isn't quite the word that I would use to describe my math skills, or lack there of… and what is that?"
"uh…" James grabbed the forbidden literature that had fallen out of the locker; it was open to a page with a young black haired man in a compromising position, he looked vaguely familiar but I only caught a glimpse of him before James had stuffed it behind his back "that… that's… one of Sirius's magazines… he wanted to er… show me something in it…"
"I'll just pretend I didn't see that, how's that?" I asked averting my eyes briefly as stuffed it into his bag.
"Thanks professor" James said with an honest smile as he grabbed his text book and shut his locker.
We continued walking down the hall towards his math class, he glanced at Mr. Jefferson's office door and his steps faltered, a frown marring his previously happy expression.
"Something wrong James?" I asked glancing at the smoked glass, only seeing two dark shapes moving around.
"N-nothing… just worried about Sirius is all…" he trailed off still looking at the door.
"I'm sure he's fine, I'll check on him after I drop you off, if that would make you feel better?"
"uh… that's not necessary professor, I wouldn't want to cause you any trouble." He said with a bit of a smile.
"No trouble at all, have fun in math class" I said dropping him off at his class.
"Bye Professor, it was nice talking to you." He said walking into his class.
I turned and headed back towards the staff room, I was passing Mr. Jefferson's door when I heard something. Stopping I cocked my head to the side to listen, there it was again, grunting… how strange. I walked closer to his door and the grunting got louder now accompanied by heavy breathing. I tried the door, it was locked, I took out my key's, all the teachers have the same lock on their office door, so I slid the key into the lock and it turned with a small click, I opened the door quietly and stopped dead with shock. Alex Johnson had his pants down and a half naked Sirius bent over his desk, he was gripping the teenager's hips and was driving himself in and out of Sirius as hard as he could. Sirius was gripping the edges of the desk so hard his knuckles were white, his eyes were open and slightly glazed, but when he saw me they widened in horror and he tried to push himself up off the desk, Alex started to push him back down when he noticed Sirius staring at something, he turned his head and then he to stared in horror.
"Remus… I… fuck…I can explain! Just … just come in for a minute and for god's sake shut the door! Its… not what you think… well it might be but, just come in for a minute…" he said pulling up his pants as fast as he could and moving as far away from Sirius as he possibly could, as if he could remove himself from the scene of the crime simply by separating himself from Sirius. Sirius had crawled sideways of the desk and was huddling behind it, clutching his pants to his chest, staring at me in absolute horror and… fear.
I approached him and he tried to curl up smaller, "I'm sorry" he whispered "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, its not you're fault" I replied reaching out to put my hand on his shoulder, he flinched away.
"Don't touch me, don't touch me!" He cried, "just… don't touch me."
"It's going to be o.k. Sirius. Why don't you put your pants on and then we'll talk about this?" I asked removing my hand.
"Don't have my boxers…" he muttered not looking up.
I stood slowly and turned to face Alex who was looking any where but at me, "Where are his boxers, Alex?" I asked evenly.
"I don't know… somewhere, I was in a hurry…" he said gesturing vaguely around the room, "there they are!" he said striding to the other side of the room and grabbing them from underneath a chair and tossing them to me.
I turned to Sirius who had his eyes closed and had moved to the other side of the desk again as if to get away from me despite the fact that it brought him closer to Alex.
"Here you go Sirius" I said gently, handing him the black boxers. He looked up at me through his long bangs and then slowly reached for them. He turned away from us and hurriedly put them on, the black pants soon followed and when he turned back around he seemed slightly more composed. I turned away from him and directed my attention towards Alex. "What's this about?" Alex kept his gaze steadfastly on the floor "you're going to have to clear up the facts at some point Alex, why did you… rape-"
"It wasn't rape!" Alex blurted out "I didn't force myself upon him, what kind of monster do you take me for?"
"The kind that has sex with his underage students." I replied my emotions were conflicted; just this morning I'd been kissed by Sirius in the bathroom… was I being hypocritical? But… that was different; it was no where near as bad as what I'd just witnessed.
"I don't have sex with all of my students… just Sirius!" he exclaimed as if that would make everything all right.
"Oh and that fixes everything does it? Instead of ruining a lot of kid's lives you only ruin one! I'm going to the headmaster!" I replied angrily.
"No! Please Remus, listen to me, I didn't force myself on Sirius or anything he… he came on to me!"
Alex said this like an accusation and that seemed to help pull Sirius together. "Oh so it's my fault is it? So what if I came on to you, you were giving me all the right signals, its not like you ever mentioned stopping, if you'd given me the word I'd of stopped coming!"
"Wait a minute; you've done this more than once?" I broke in stunned.
They both turned to look at me, they glanced at each other and finally Sirius answered "Ya, ever since… well near the end of last year, Dumbledore said that if my marks didn't go up…. he was going to have to fail me and I didn't want to have to repeat. So… ya…"
"Is that why you—" I cut myself off before I could finish the question. "…"
"Please don't tell Dumbledore, please!" Sirius begged "He'll expel me and tell my dad and… I'll stop doing this, I swear! I'm sorry" the despair that had filled his voice before returned at the end of his sentence.
"Don't be, you have nothing to be sorry for… I… won't tell Dumbledore but if I find out that you two have continued on with this I won't hesitate for a second! Sirius, you come with me." I said falteringly and then turned and walked out of the room with Sirius trailing after me.
We walked in silence for a few minutes, until finally he broke the silence "I'm… really sorry. I've screwed everything up and…" he trailed of despairingly.
"I've already told you there's nothing for you to be sorry for." I repeated.
"I've ruined everything… you probably think I'm just cheap shit now… You know this morning when I… cornered you in the bath room?" he paused and I nodded, swallowing he continued "I wasn't trying to get better marks or nothing, I swear! I was just… I… well I don't know why I did it. Wh-when I'm around you, I don't know what's going on… you're like a fucking drug! I actually listen when I'm in you're class, I may not look like it, but you're voice… Aww, fuck I'm making a bloody fool out of myself. You do things to me… that… that I can't control and… Jesus GOD! I… I feel things when I'm near you! Listen to me" he snorted in contempt "I sound like a fucking Hallmark card or something…" he looked away from me and shoved his hands into his pockets; he hunched his shoulders and scuffed his shoes against the ground.
To say that I was surprised was putting it mildly, I was shell shocked! Was Sirius… professing his love to me? "uh…" was the only intelligent come back I could come up with.
He looked at me, his eyes which were usually unreadable, looked at me pleading for some sort of answer. When I didn't say anything, just stared at him in shock, he returned his gaze to the ground.
"I- uh… You're a-" I stuttered as I tried to come up with some sort of answer, my thoughts were going haywire. Sirius Black, the mysterious, dark, rebellious Sirius Black had just told me that he… loved me. "Why?" I blurted out finally.
He looked at me in surprise, but with a slight hint of amusement "Because… your nice, there aren't a lot of nice people around here, you- you don't act like being a freakin' adult makes you better, you seem interested in me, not like the girls who just want to be able to tell there friends that they slept with Sirius Black, you seem genuinely interested. No one has ever done that before… and your-your beautiful. Your hair isn't blond and it isn't brown… its auburn and the way it hangs in your eyes when your marking stuff is…well its sexy. When you're writing stuff on the board you push it behind your ear, usually leaving a slight chalk smudge on your cheek… Your eyes are amazing, from a distance they look brown but when you get closer there are flecks of gold and they're sooo deep. Its beautiful, you're beautiful." When Sirius stopped speaking I realized that we'd stopped and were standing face to face only a couple inches apart, I could feel his warm breath on my face and it made me shiver slightly, he raised his hand to my face and brushed a couple strands of hair out of my eyes and tucked them behind my ear, his hand hesitated brushing my cheek lightly "You're so very beautiful." He whispered a slight smile creeping onto his face.
"Sirius" I breathed, unable to think properly with him this close.
Slowly, agonizingly slowly he closed the distance until our lips were touching ever so lightly. What happened next, was something I'd never expected from Sirius Black, this kiss was nothing like the one that had occurred earlier in the bathroom stall, this was soft and tender, his tongue probed gently at my lips and I opened them to him willingly, his tongue slipped into my mouth and swirled around…
A few minutes later when oxygen was becoming a necessity we broke apart slowly, I stared at him, at his eyes which were pools of dark blue at his hair that was slightly dishevelled, at his red, swollen lips, at his pale white neck, at him. God he was so beautiful, he needs to know that. He needs to know that he's not just some persons fuck toy.
"Sirius" I said gently "Sirius, you're…" I was interrupted by the harsh ringing of the bell signalling the end of class.