King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2
By Nintendo Maximus
Disclaimer: I don't own "Super Mario Bros."; you know who does. I also don't own "Animaniacs", "Codename: Kids Next Door", "The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron", "Looney Tunes", "Sesame Street", the whole dang lot of cartoons based off of video games, or anything else that's referenced in this fanfic. Got it?
Author's Note: When I finished up King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof, it left me hungry for more spoofing. Unfortunately, the only Super Mario cartoon DVD to come out following "King Koopa Katastrophe" was the DVD of the first five episodes of the first season, and I didn't want to have to spoof a volumed set. However, I did find out something interesting - the Mario fans over in Europe have gotten three DVDs of the SMB3 cartoon, one of which is just like our "King Koopa Katastrophe", except it doesn't have a bonus "Sonic Underground" episode (at least they don't have to see that bad portrayal of Sega's mascot). The other two DVDs, however, are not available here, and since these PAL DVDs don't have distinctive titles (they're just titled after one of the episodes they have on them), I'm calling this fanfic King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2. And since I've got two DVDs to cover here, that means this one will be twice as long! Before we get this train wreck rolling, though, here's...
...an important message for you and your family.
The fanfic opened up in the room of a certain video game know-it-all geek. He had video games and video game merchandise all over his room. The geek himself was sitting at his computer, registering various goofs in video game-based cartoons. "Princess Peach is supposed to be a blonde, not a redhead as the shows tend to make the viewers believe. In 'Romano and Joliet', Joliet supposedly dropped her bouquet when the Albatoss nabbed her, yet she has it again when the Mario group is tossed into her dungeon cell. Cranky Kong is supposed to annoy people with his funny one-liners about the old days of video games, yet he never does that on the 'Donkey Kong Country' cartoon. Professor Monkey-For-A-Head can't build another super-suit because his monkey ate the plans, not because he couldn't get another Battery of the Gods as he claimed in 'Bring Me the Head of Earthworm Jim'. Mother Brain isn't supposed to have facial features like she does on Captain N. And furthermore, King Hippo is supposed to be yellow, not blue, and Eggplant Wizard is just a drone-type enemy."
Mario Mario appeared in front of the scene. "Is this you? Are you happily engrossed in inconsequential video game-based cartoon trivia, to the point that your socks can probably stand up by themselves? Well, if you are, there's hope... there's help... there's the... Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation! Since its inception, the Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation has gently, and calmly, brought people back to earth."
A second geek appeared, sitting at his computer too. "Protoman's supposed to be a good guy, not on Dr. Wily's side like the show makes you think. Also, Dinosaur Land should be populated by Yoshies, not by ignorant cave-people dressed like Flintstones rejects." He was suddenly knocked out of his chair by a red Koopa shell. "Oooooff!"
A third geek appeared, also sitting at his computer. "Candy Kong is supposed to look like what a female stereotype with blonde hair and a pink bikini would look like as a gorilla, and Funky Kong is supposed to have brown fur, not tan. And Klaptraps are not projectiles to be fired out of rifles." He was suddenly bit on the leg by a Klaptrap. "Aaaaaa!"
A fourth geek appeared, sitting at his computer as well. "The characters of Cook Kawasaki, Whispy Woods, and Lololo & Lalala were bad guys in the Kirby games, yet they're on Kirby's side in his show. In the 'Sonic X' episode 'Cracking Knuckles', Knuckles should've known better than to fall for Dr. Eggman's lies again. Also, since Ash got the Earth Badge in 'Battle of the Badge', his Charizard should've immediately started obeying him from there on." An offscreen Charizard suddenly toasted him. "Yaaaaah!"
"Quick! It's not too late!" said Mario. "Call us before you rewind to see what was in the room in the opening shot! There's hope... there's help... there's the Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation!"
The second geek was now wearing an arm cast. "Thanks, Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation!"
The third geek was now wearing a leg cast. "I couldn't have done it without you!"
The fourth geek was now in a full-body cast. "You guys are the greatest!"
Mario stood in front of a badly-misspelled logo. "Call now! The life you get may be your own."
The first geek from earlier reappeared next to him. "Did you notice that the logo has been misspelled badly? I think that was intentional."
Mario pushed a button that caused a cow to fall from out of nowhere and land right on Geek 1. "That's enough of that. And now..."
...THE THEME SONG!
"Hip & Hop are Koopa Kids whom no one understand," belted out the main singers,
"King Koopa and Kootie always tossing out commands."
"THAT'S WENDY!" Wendy O. Koopa screamed in her brothers' faces.
"King Koopa's plots and plans
Are foiled instantly," the singers continued,
"By the stupid-looking plumbers
Wearing pants and hats,
'Cause they're Nintendo's mascots, the Super...
...Mario Brothers, Super Mario Brothers!"
"Where's the food?" Mario asked.
"That's his common mood!" Luigi Mario explained.
"Suuu-per Mario Brothers!" sang the singers.
"Fire Flowers, Super Leaves, Mushrooms, Starmen!"
"Frog Suits, Hammer Suits, Carrots, Boomerangs," listed the Mario Bros.
"Cape Feathers, Raccoon Suits, Large Shoes, Metal Caps!"
"Suuu-per Mario Brothers!" the singers declared.
"It flips your toes
When your foes
Are the Super Mario Brothers!"
"So what!" said King Bowser Koopa.
"Uh!" The singers turned Bowser's head into Mickey Mouse's head.
"Waaaait a second..." Toad wandered in front of the title screen. "Dat ain't da real 'Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3' theme song! Let's start again."
The EXTENDED "Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3" Theme Song YOU Were NEVER Meant To Hear!
It was a legend no one will forget! No will forget it because, thanks to an early appearance in a thinly-disguised 100-minute commercial known as "The Wizard", it became the best-selling Nintendo Entertainment System game of all time! It was a legend so big, it was enhanced with better graphics and sound in 1993! And now this legend is available on your Game Boy Advance SP! Everyone thought King Bowser Koopa had left the Mushroom Kingdom after his humiliating defeat in RoboLand where he was tricked into pushing the Eject button on his robosuit. But then, direct from the Banishment Zone the DVD case claims he escaped from, his Doomship attacked! I don't know what the DVD case means when they say he escaped from a "Banishment Zone" or how he managed to get that giant airship, but whatever reason for either of those improbabilities, King Koopa was back! And with him, the so-called "greatest danger ever known" - his Koopa Kids! With nicknames so stupid they never call themselves by their real names on this show, these eight little SOBs, one of whom isn't on this show as he wouldn't be thought up for another twelve years, were the kind of kids who would make you want to quit being a babysitter, even if your first name was Vicky! But even though these seven brats managed to turn seven monarchs into animals, they were no match for the Kingdom's defenders! Brought to their Mushroom World parents by a stork, grown up in the streets of Brooklyn, New York, harassed by an old gorilla later renamed Cranky Kong, discovering a secret entrance that brought them back to their homeworld, they were the courageous Mario Mario and the not-quite-as-courageous Luigi Mario! Using their new Super Powers, the Super Mario Bros. rescued Princess Toadstool, and beat back the eeee-vil Koopa Family!
"I'll get those freakin' plumbers!" swore King Bowser Koopa as the intro narration ended.
"Mind Your Mummy Mommy, Mario"
Our story began in some room in some pyramid somewhere in Desert Hill, or as this cartoon insisted it was known as, "Desert Land". As a matter of fact, this particular turn of events happened even before chapter 3 of King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof. (See that fanfic if you don't believe me.) Anyway, inside the pyramid, the Koopaling twins known as Hip & Hop but actually named Iggy & Lemmy were exploring the tomb room within.
"Remind me again why we're in this scary, spine-tingling mummy tomb instead of on the nice, safe Doomship?" Lemmy asked his twin.
"Because, my nimrod of a brother," Iggy explained, "King Dad wants us to capture the mummified Prince Mushroomkhamen."
"King Dad wants us to go dig up some royal dead guy's coffin?" Lemmy threw up his arms. "What in Darkland could he do with that? Are we into grave-robbing now?"
"Look, the thing is, if King Dad wants us to steal some dead guy's corpse," Iggy walked on, looking at his brother, "we'll do it! Besides, we can ask him why he wants it when we get back." Because Iggy wasn't looking where he was going, he bumped right into someone. As Iggy was picking himself and his torch up, he turned to point an accusing claw at his assailants. "Hey, who are you, and why do you dare bump into Iggy P. Koopa?"
"Watch it, buster!" the five well-dressed kids, all wearing mining helmets, shouted back, in unison. "You're dealing with the Delightful Children from Down the Lane here!"
Lemmy jumped back. "Are you that 'Teamo Supremo' we keep hearing Kootie Pie whining about?"
The Delightful Children from Down the Lane looked disgusted. "We don't have any idea who you're talking about. Now if you don't mind, we're trying to find the mummified son of Queen Mushroomkhamen."
"Are you nuts!" Iggy yelled.
"What?" yelled Lemmy. "That's what we're doing!"
"Yeah! King Dad sent us..."
"...To get it!"
"Oh, really? You two are working for your own father? What a coin..." The Delightful Children were suddenly cut off by one of them letting out a loud burp.
The other four of them turned to face the football helmet-wearing member. "Lenny?"
"Hey, I just had a burrito for breakfast, OK?" Lenny admitted.
Iggy and Lemmy rolled their eyes.
"Anyway," the Delightful Children continued their unison-speaking, "our own Father has commanded us to go find the mummified son of Queen Mushroomkhamen. Think of how much he could help the adults! With his strategic ways, and our cunning demeanor, we shall crush those wretched Kids Next Door!"
"Oh no he won't!" Iggy declared. "He won't be helping you or any of your adult friends..."
"...'Cause we're getting to him first!" Lemmy declared.
"We'll see about that!" the Delightful Children yelled back.
And with the start of the Pokémon battle music, a free-for-all fight broke out between the twin Koopalings and the Delightful Children from Down the Lane. Despite outnumbering their opponents, the Delightful Children didn't exactly have any luck defeating them, but they put up quite a fight. Eventually, both teams rolled right into the tomb room of the pyramid. In the course of their fight, a coffin got knocked over and started twitching.
The blonde-haired Delightful Children member known as John looked at the casket. "Holy crap!" he shouted to the others. "That casket is moving! We'd better get out of here!"
And so, the Delightful Children made a run for it. Iggy picked himself up and chuckled. "Heh heh, I guess we showed them not to mess with the Koopas!"
"And look!" Lemmy held up another casket, one that they hadn't knocked over. "We found the casket! And to think, King Dad thought we were gonna screw this up!"
"Well, ol' pop's gonna have to eat his words!" Iggy gave his brother a high-five. Then they picked up the casket and started carrying it out of the pyramid. They hadn't gotten very far when they tripped upon a Dry Bones and crashed a vase. It landed right on Iggy's foot. "OW!" He jumped around, holding his foot. "Dirty rotten lousy..."
Just then, they heard a voice howling behind them, "My sonnnnnnnnn! They stole my sonnnnnnnnnn!"
Iggy stopped holding his foot. "What the hell was that?"
"I'm not waiting to find out!" yelled Lemmy. "Let's get out of here!"
The Koopaling Twins carried the coffin up a few platforms and then hid it with themselves in a pipe. They stayed there until they heard the howling behind them die down.
After a while, Lemmy asked, "Say, Hip, is it me or does this prince mummy guy..."
"...Look familiar?" Iggy looked at the shape of the coffin's lid. Sure enough, it looked very familiar. "Either coffin designs are getting uglier, or they're putting brand names on them nowadays."
Meanwhile, over in the Mushroom Kingdom, our heroes were resting up after a rough adventure.
"Sure is nice to relax after such a nice adventure!" said Princess Peach, not bothering to describe the adventure.
Mario, whose mustache was brown at the moment, was resting in Toad's bed. "Yeah, I'm so pooped I ain't leaving this bed."
"Heh-heh-heh-heh!" Luigi chuckled. "You said 'poop'."
"It sure was an honor to compete on that game show, even if the events were really rough to go through," said Toad, lugging in an odd-looking machine. "Now I've got somethin' with which to make junk mail and PSPs into hamburger meat!"
Just then, some unnamed mushroom boy came running in through the door. He didn't bother knocking, but since the door was already open form Toad dragging in his new hamburger machine, that didn't really matter. "Help! Help! There's a mad mummy loose in Desert Land!"
Peach looked at the boy awkwardly. "Wait, you ran all the way from Desert Land to alert us of this? Why didn't you just call on the telephone?"
"Yeah, and isn't that place's name actually Desert Hill?" Luigi pointed out.
Mario jumped out of Toad's bed, completely forgetting how tired he was. "Wait a minute, there's a mad mummy loose in Desert Land?"
"Desert Hill!" Luigi screamed.
"Uh-huh," the unnamed boy nodded. "There's only two things that could set off a mummy rampage - someone kidnapped its fellow mummies, or a popular sitcom got cancelled before its prime."
"Hmmmm... think, think, think..." The camera zoomed in through Mario's ear as he said that. After about ten seconds, he yelled out, "BRAIN BLAST! The Koopas must be behind this! They must have stolen another mummy!"
"The Koopas?" said a confused Luigi. "How are you sure it isn't Wario and Waluigi who've stolen it?"
"Don't ask questions," Mario reprimanded his brother, before turning to the still-nameless kid. "So naturally, you want us to go to Desert Land and take care of the mummy."
"Desert Hill!" Luigi shouted again.
"Actually," said the kid, "we just need you to go there and slow it down long enough until Captain N arrives to finish the job."
Mario looked quite angry at this.
"Is something wrong, bro?" Luigi asked.
"Wrong?" Mario eyed his inquisitive sibling. "It's always the same thing! We kill ourselves trying to pull off an impossible assignment, and then some undeserving glory hound just swoops in and takes all the credit!"
"Oh c'mon, Mario," said Luigi. "The greatest satisfaction is in a job well done."
"Nevertheless, I'm not letting that hot-shot take care of our enemies." Mario turned to the kid again. "Kid, don't bother calling Captain N. Heck, don't even bother calling Supergrover. The Mario Bros. will handle this!"
"Aw, but can't we try out da new PSP-killer foist?" Toad whined.
"Shut up, Toadie." Mario jumped up to the doorway. "Well, what are we waiting for? Y'want me to serve milk and cookies? Let's get going!"
"Weren't you too tired to get out of bed just a minute ago?" Luigi asked.
Soon, thanks to a quick scene-switch, the Mario Bros. gang had arrived in Desert Land. I mean, Desert Hill. Mario was reading a copy of Nintendo Power's Super Mario Bros. 3 strategy guide. "According to the maps in this book," he said, "the pyramid we're looking for isn't far from the Sultan's palace."
"Why are ya lookin' up da location of da pyramid?" Toad asked. "We're lookin' for a mummy here!"
"Toadie, if there's one thing cartoons have taught me," explained Mario, "it's that where there's a pyramid, there's either A) a power-hungry soul-eating demon bent on world domination, B) treasure hidden by the thief who stole it, C) ancestral statues that come to life in order to tap, talk to, and sing along with their descendants, or D) a mummy. Ergo, the demon/treasure/statue/mummy in question is in the pyramid." He was suddenly interrupted by some screams coming nearby. "Or we could try that screaming tent that just appeared from out of nowhere."
Some other Mushroomites came running out of the aforementioned tent. Out of the tent broke the mummy, screaming "Where's my soooooonnnnn?" and tossing Note Blocks everywhere.
"Holy crap!" shouted Toad. "Dat must be her!"
"Her?" Luigi pondered. "How do you know it's not a male?"
"Well, have you ever seen male mummies?" Toad asked.
"It doesn't matter if she's a he or he's a she." Mario guarded them from the flying Note Blocks. "We gotta calm this mummy down!"
"But how?" asked Peach. "We don't even know what she's got to be mad about!"
"Weren't you listening to that kid back at Toadie's?" Mario nitpicked. "The mummy's on a rampage because either one of her own kind is missing, or a popular sitcom has been cancelled early on. How many cancelled sitcoms do we know by now?"
"Well, dere's 'Family Guy'," reasoned Toad, "but I don't t'ink it counts since dey're bringin' it back. Maybe 'Futurama', but dey actually wrote up an official finale wit'out realizin' it. I hear a lotta negative criticism about 'Invader ZIM' bein' cancelled, but I don't t'ink dat's a sitcom. Uh, didn't 'Star Trek' make a comeback too?"
As Mario-tachi was discussing handling mummies and cancelled sitcoms, Iggy and Lemmy Koopa watched this from the pipe they had been hiding in. Iggy picked up one half of the coffin. "Here's our chance to sneak off..."
Lemmy picked up the other half. "...Without anyone noticing us!"
As Iggy and Lemmy stumbled downward with the coffin, Mario continued his self-defense against the mummy's arsenal. "OK, forget the 'cancelled sitcom' excuse! There has to be another reason this mummy's so pissed off."
Suddenly, Luigi noticed Iggy and Lemmy sneaking off. "Hey! Those twin Koopalings over there! They've carrying a casket!"
"Dat's what dey're carryin'?" questioned Toad. "I t'ought it was a trash container full of copies of da 'Catwoman' video game!"
"Whatever it is," said Peach, "I'll bet that golden mummy case that they're sneaking off with has something to do with the mummy's rampage!"
"By jove! Do you really think so?" Luigi, having gotten that cultural reference out of the way, turned to his brother. "You were right, Mario. The Koopas are behind this madness! But how did you know?"
"Simple," said Mario. "The writers never think of using Wart or Tatanga as a featured villain."
"We gotta get that case back!" said Peach, not bothering to use the correct word. "Luigi, Toad, follow me! Mario, keep the mummy from hurting anyone until we get back!"
"Wait a minute," Mario halted them. "I'm more adventure-wise than you three. Luigi, you only starred in two games by yourself, the first of which was a crappy educational game. Toad, your only starring role is a puzzle game with Wario's name in the title. And Princess, your adventure game's not even out yet! Why do I have to stay behind with the freakin' mummy?"
"Because the episode's title is telling you to," said Peach. And with that, she, Luigi, and Toad ran after Iggy & Lemmy.
"Well, I guess there's no point in arguing with the episode's title." Mario walked up to the mummy. "Excuse me, Ms. Mummy-Person, but if you don't mind, my friends and I would like you to stop your senseless rampage, so please stop it."
The mummy took a look at the plumber addressing her. And then she spoke, "My little prince! At last I've found you!"
"Your little prince?" Mario backed away. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Oh, don't be silly, my little Prince Mushroomkhamen!" said the mummy. "Give your mummy a hug! Pardon the pun. I'm your mother, stupid!"
"My mother?" Mario backed further away. "You're not my mother. My real mother looks just like my last voice actor in drag! Or is she that dame whose legs the world saw at the end of Yoshi's Island? Man, I have such a confusing backstory! Anyway, I'm not your son, hoser-mummy!" He ran and jumped onto a column. "Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my giant getaway leap!" And he jumped off into the air. "Tra-la-laaaaaa- oh crap! I don't have any flying Power-Ups on me!" he said as he fell out of the sky.
The mummy got under her "son" and caught him. "I'm takin' you back to the tomb, son, and I'm gonna make sure it's a cold day in Lethal Lava Land before anyone steals you again! I'll even call the Nimbus Landians and ask them to create a blizzard down there!"
"Crap!" said Mario, not making any effort to escape from the mummy. "Luigi! Princess! I usually avoid saying this, but... HELLLLLLP!"
Up ahead, Luigi, Peach, and Toad were still giving chase after the sarcophagus-carrying Iggy & Lemmy. "Give up, Olsens!" Toad shouted. "You're finished!"
"Wrong twins, Gumby elf!" Iggy yelled back.
"Whatever!" said Toad as he saw the Koopa Twins run over a sand dune.
The good guys jumped down from the top of the sand dune, landing right on the Koopa Twins. "Gotcha!" said Luigi as he grabbed Lemmy.
"What?" said Iggy as Peach grabbed him. "How did you catch us?"
"Yeah!" Lemmy squirmed in Luigi's grasp. "This isn't in the script!"
"What're ya, crazy? Did you honestly t'ink you could escape while carryin' a coffin with a body in it?" Toad, despite his size and what he was saying right there, lifted the sarcophagus over his head. "If ya did, yer IQ must be 2! Studies show dat it's impossible to escape when carrying something wit' a heavier density dan yerself."
Luigi looked bright. "Y'know, this might be the quickest wrap-up we've ever done!"
Suddenly, an alien beam projected itself onto the two humans, one mushroom, two dinosaur/turtle hybrids, and one coffin, and pulled them up into the sky above. Inside his intergalactic flying spacecraft, Marvin the Martian watched as his beam's captives materialized in front of him.
"Oh, drat!" Marvin snapped his finger, and ejected his captives out of his ship. "I knew I took a wrong turn at that last space station!"
Luigi, Peach, and Toad landed right back on that sand dune, somehow not breaking any bones when they landed. "What the hell just happened?" Luigi asked.
"I dunno, but look!" Toad pointed upward.
Up from behind the sand dune came Bowser's Doomship. Up on the deck of the Doomship, Iggy & Lemmy stood with their stolen coffin, sticking their tongues out. "So, you didn't expect us to get away, eh?" taunted Iggy.
"Well, we're getting away with it right now! Ha ha!" laughed Lemmy.
King Bowser Koopa himself was standing on the bow, alongside his twin kids. "And to think, you guys keep thwarting all my takeovers! Even my youngest Koopalings could outsmart you do-good dodos!"
Bowser Jr. suddenly appeared, perching himself on his dad's left shoulder. "Are you talking about me, Papa?"
Bowser slapped his miniature clone. "No, Princie, I wasn't referring to you!"
"Yeah, Princie!" Larry Koopa suddenly appeared on his dad's right shoulder. "Everyone knows I'm the youngest Koopaling!"
Bowser slapped his youngest biological kid too. "Shut up, Cheatsy; this doesn't involve you!"
Wobbuffet suddenly appeared from behind Bowser. "Waaaab-buffet!" he cried.
"It doesn't involve you either!" Bowser recalled Wobbuffet back into its PokéBall.
Down below, Toad shook his fist as the Doomship flew away. "I'll get even with you, Glomgold!"
"What do you suppose Koopa wants with that mummy case?" Peach asked.
"He probably wants to sell it on eBay. Anyway, look!" Pointing into the distance, Luigi managed to finger the mummified Queen Mushroomkhamen running off with Mario. "Look what that marauding mummy's doing with Mario!"
"Oh no!" Peach cried. "She's making off with Mario and he's not doing a thing about it! Whose bright idea was it to leave him in charge of her?"
"YOURS!" Luigi and Toad fingered the Princess, in unison.
"Well, you don't have to rub it in!" she yelled.
"It doesn't matter now!" Luigi moaned. "Poor Mario's been doomed to some tomb and we'll probably never find him!"
"Why so whiny, Luigi?" asked Toad. "You've been able to rescue him twice!"
"What we need is a map of the pyramids," said Peach, ignoring her servant.
"Maps, eh?" Toad got their attention. "If it's maps you want, I got a cousin who can help! His name is Map T."
"Oh no, Toadie!" Luigi reprimanded. "We're not gonna waste time getting a map from some unnamed member of your family tree who's probably never gonna matter in later episodes! I have a strategy guide right here," he said as he held up the Super Mario Bros. 3 Strategy Guide (Mario had let him take hold of it earlier), "and we're gonna use it!"
"Oh, dat's just great!" bickered Toad. "Now how are we supposed to find out dat Prince Mushroomkhamen looks just like Mario?"
"Wait a minute." Luigi stopped. "Prince Mushroomkhamen looks just like Mario?"
"Yeah," said Toad. "It's why da mummy shanghaied him. She's da Prince's mom, Queen Mushroomkhamen."
"How did you know that?" questioned Peach.
"Well, it says so in da script." Toad held it up for them to see.
"Why didn't you say so earlier?" nitpicked Luigi.
"I t'ought we were actually gonna visit my cousin and get da map dat would tell us dat Prince Mushroomkhamen looks just like Mario!" shrieked Toad. "But since we ain't goin' dere, we might as well forget it."
"Don't worry, Toad," said Peach. "Now that we know why Queen Mushroomkhamen nabbed Mario, that may explain why Koopa stole the the Prince's mummy case to begin with! And the only way we're gonna get Mario back is to break into Castle Koopa, get the mummy case, and trade the real mummy prince for Mario!"
"Couldn't we just ask Bowser to give it back?" Luigi asked.
"Oh, you try politely askin' some evil dictator-type guy to give you da t'ing dat could help get rid of his nemesis!" mocked Toad.
"Fine, fine, we'll break in." Luigi murmured.
Meanwhile, the mummified Queen Mushroomkhamen had successfully managed to drag Mario into the pyramid, in spite of the fact that the guy was able to take down a horde of anthropomorphic turtles in minutes. As Mario looked at his surroundings, he asked himself, Why don't I remember this tomb room being here in the game? Turning to Queen Mushroomkhamen, he told her, "Look, lady, all I did was ask you to stop rampaging around Desert Land. You had no reason to drag me in here! Did I have an ancestor who defeated you in battle when you were alive?"
"Aw, c'mon, don't be silly, Emily!" Queen Mushroomkhamen addressed him by name. "I don't know why you decided to go streaking, but I know my son when I see him, and you're him. Now give your mummy a big kiss!"
"Lady, that was a horrible pun, and if you weren't so wrapped up in yourself, you could see I'm not your little boy! For one thing, did your son dress the way I do? And furthermore, why did you name him 'Emily'?" Mario tried not to laugh at the silly name this queen had given her son. "That's a girl's name, like 'Kooky'."
"Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the coffin!" Queen Mushroomkhamen continued with her bad jokes, and then pulled a roll of toilet paper out of Mario's mouth.
"Ewwww!" Mario grimaced. "I hope you washed your hands before you did that!"
"All that streaking around outside must have made you cranky!" said Queen Mushroomkhamen, ignoring "Emily"'s disgust. "You could use a nice 10,000-year nap!"
"What a coincidence! I had wanted a rest back at the beginning of this episode. You see, my friends and I were on a Japanese game show yesterday, and I assure you, the guys who host those shows are, like, mean-spirited. It's like they're trying to enforce the idea of 'no pain, no gain' by attempting bodily harm to their contestants. Can't they just give you a simple 'Sorry, that's incorrect' like decent game show hosts? I mean, no wonder anime shows get censored if they're dubbed for children's television! What if anime was allowed to air in America the way it was shown in Japan? Suppose the children of America grew up acting like the Japanese sociopaths they'd seeing on their morning cartoons. It'd be a total outrage! Don't those overactive anime fans care about the youth of their country?" Mario rambled like this before he finally realized what the mummy had just told him. Not to mention that she had just wrapped him up with the toilet paper, covering everything except his eyes and his shoes. "Wait a minute, did you just say that I was gonna sleep for ten millenniums?"
"If by ten millenniums you mean 10,000 years, then yes."
"Oh no, lady! I like long naps, but not the kind that go for 100 centuries! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm, uh, gonna try out for a shot on 'G4 Sports'."
Queen Mushroomkhamen grabbed Mario by a piece of his cloth and pulled him back. "No no no, Emily! You're not going to participate on any TV shows brought to you by letters and numbers."
"That's not what I mean, ma'am," Mario bit as the mummy placed him in her coffin. (She had to make him use her coffin because Iggy & Lemmy stole Emily's, remember?)
"Now you sleep there, and I'll sleep on the couch," Queen Mushroomkhamen reprimanded. "You'll feel better after your 1,000-decade nap!"
"Somehow I doubt it," said Mario. "And anyway, wouldn't it make more sense if you slept here while I slept on the couch?"
Meanwhile, over in Bowser's Castle, Iggy & Lemmy watched as their dad was setting Prince Mushroomkhamen's casket in his trophy room. Since he didn't usually get away with the things he stole, Bowser's trophy room was quite empty.
"So King Dad," asked Iggy, "what exactly do you want with Prince Mushroomkhamen, anyway?"
"Have you figured out that since he looks just like Mario," deduced Lemmy, "kidnapping him and having his mama mistake Mario for her son will prevent him from foiling any more of your evil plans?"
"Actually, I planned to sell 'im on eBay," said Bowser, "but your plan's good too! If Queen Mushroomkhamen has really mistaken Mario for her son, he won't be able to foil my evil plans anymore!"
"Uh, yeah. I just said that," said Lemmy.
"But what about the other good guys?" Iggy asked. "Shouldn't we have done something about them as well?"
"Don't be ridiculous, kids!" Bowser dismissed. "No one ever does anything about sidekicks and/or hero's friends. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a bath. There's nothing like a good hot bath to get your mind off of noisy trespassers." But as the Koopa King passed by a window, he heard music coming from it. He looked outside and saw a barbershop quartet of silly-looking Mushroomites singing "Deck the Halls". Bowser took out a football and threw it in their direction. "And don't come back or I'll force you to watch my Ice Capades appearance!"
But as Bowser was heading off to his bathroom, he didn't notice a hot-air balloon with Mario's "M" emblem decorating it, surrounded by a cloud of steam, approaching the other side of his castle. And since he didn't notice that, he didn't notice Luigi, now Raccoon-powered, was somehow pulling it with his bare hands. In the basket, not doing anything to help Luigi lifting the balloon, stood Peach and Toad.
"This steam cloud balloon was a brilliant idea, Luigi!" said Peach.
"Yeah!" agreed Toad. "Nothin' stops Raccoon Luigi."
"Well, I can't take all the credit," said Luigi. "It's a good thing we had this hot-air balloon left over from last season, after all." But Luigi was so busy being modest about his hot-air balloon steam machine, that he didn't notice a tornado coming their way.
"Look out, Luigi!" shouted Peach. "It's a Mushroom Kingdom twister!"
"A Mushroom Kingdom twister?" Toad looked confused. "Why would dey call it a Mushroom Kingdom twister if it's in Darkland?"
But before Toad's query could be answered, the tornado took hold of the balloon and spun it in circles. Before any of them could yell out that they were "blasting off again", the tornado deposited them onto the roof of one of the Castle Koopa towers. The trio dropped out of the balloon and fell onto the balcony below them.
"Oh no, my beautiful balloon!" Luigi cried. "It's ruinated!"
"Can't you look on the bright side, Luigi?" Peach tried to do so. "At least Koopa's guards haven't spotted us."
Just then, Toad saw two Paragoombas approaching them. "Ya had t'open yer big mouth!"
"Invaders!" one Paragoomba stated the obvious to his partner. "Go get King Koopa!"
"Why can't we try and take care of these guys ourselves?" asked the second Paragoomba.
"We're Goombas, remember?" said Paragoomba #1. "These guys can clean our clocks easily! Even that wimpy Princess that the boss is always capturing."
"Did they just call me 'wimpy'?" asked an irate-looking Peach.
"You Goombas can talk?" Toad looked surprised.
"Of course we can!" Paragoomba #1 yelled as his partner flew off. "We have mouths, don't we? In case you people forget, our species was clearly capable of speaking in this franchise's role-playing games! It's just that whenever you guys come upon us, you stomp on us before we can get a word in edgewise! I mean, sure, we're part of King Koopa's battalion, but you guys could at least jump over us instead of planting your shoes on our eyes, or burning our pants with fireballs, or..." He was suddenly cut off by a piece of gravel that Luigi threw right at him. His wings came off, and he fell down.
"Silly Paragoomba," scoffed Luigi. "Enemy emotions are for anime and dark cartoons."
The three good guys went inside the room the balcony was placed in front of. By some strange stroke of luck, the balcony they had landed on led them right into Bowser's trophy room.
Toad made them stop running. "Hey, look, da real prince's mummy case!"
"Oh, great!" said Peach as they ran up to the sarcophagus.
"Why'd you say it dat way, Princess?" Toad asked. "Da way you said dat phrase, you'd t'ink finding it is a bad t'ing."
"Now if we only had a way to get it past King Koopa!" said Peach, ignoring Toad's nitpicking.
"It's times like this I ask one question," said Luigi. "What would Mario do if he were here?"
"He'd say somethin' stupid, dat's what." Toad answered.
"I wasn't asking for an answer, Toadie!" Luigi yelled.
Elsewhere in the castle, Bowser was soaking up in his jacuzzi. He had filled it up with bubble bath formula and was playing with his bathtub toys.
"Rubber Duckie, you're the one," he sang.
"You make bathtime lots of fun;
Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of..."
"Sire!" Paragoomba #2 barged into the room, interrupting his boss's song.
"Ugh! You ruined my musical interlude!" Bowser dropped his Rubber Duckie. "What's so important it can't wait until the next verse?"
"Luigi, Princess Peach, and that imp with the squeaky Brooklyn accent have just dropped in. Seeing how you're the big guy around here, we had to let you know somehow."
"Aw, damn," moaned Bowser. "They must have figured out my new scheme and are trying to recapture Prince Mushroomkhamen! How do they always figure out my plans? Am I that obvious? You - go get nine more of your winged brethren. Hip! Hop! Fetch me my bathrobe!"
Back with the so-called "mummy case", Luigi, Peach, and "that imp with the squeaky Brooklyn accent" tried to figure out how they were going to sneak out with it. "OK," said Toad, "so we gotta get dis mummy case out of da castle wit'out King Koopa noticin', bring it all da way back to Desert Land, and switch it for Mario. Da question is, how do we do it?"
"Two things, Toadie," Luigi corrected him. "One, it's Desert Hill, not Desert Land. Two, why are we always calling it a 'mummy case'? From what I've read, these things are actually called sarcophaguses. Can't we just call this thing by what it's actually known as?"
"Oh, you try sayin' a hard-to-spell word on a Saturday morning cartoon written by da worst animation company in America!" Unlike most 80s cartoon fans, Toad didn't seem to be afraid to badmouth DiC Entertainment.
"Whatever. Anyway, watch this!" Luigi ran off. A second later, he came back with a bunch of junk that Bowser had just happened to have lying around. Like a typical cartoon character, Luigi ran around with the trash and some building equipment. When he was finished, a strange-looking sled had been made out of the junk. Prince Mushroomkhamen's sarcophagus was placed on top of it. "Well, how do you like my special steam-powered mummy sled?"
"Compared to what?" Toad wanted to know.
"I think it could stand some design improvement!" Bowser had suddenly appeared in the doorway nearby, wearing a maroon-colored bathrobe. Right beside him stood Iggy, Lemmy, and ten Paragoombas. "Tryin' to steal back that mummy case, eh?"
"Sheesh, Bowser, even you can't say 'sarcophagus' either?" asked Luigi. "And what's with the bathrobe?"
"Your brainless burglarizing is butting in on my bubble bath!" bickered Bowser. "For that, I'll have to Koopatate you personally! Hip, Hop! Watch how King Dad handles things!"
"Okey-dokey, King Dad!" said Iggy & Lemmy, in unison.
But before the Koopa King could make his move, the sarcophagus opened up! Everyone in the room, including the ten Paragoombas, turned their attention to this disturbance. In his casket, up sat Prince Mushroomkhamen (who looked exactly like Mario).
"Holy crap!" Bowser said to his followers. "Prince Mushroomkhamen has awoken! Is this in the script?"
"We don't think so, King Dad," stammered Iggy & Lemmy.
"Ugh, what's with all that noise? Can't a mummified prince get any dead sleep around here?" asked Prince Mushroomkhamen (who sounded just like Zero Kelvin). "Wait a minute - this isn't my house! This isn't even Desert Hill!"
"See?" said Luigi, in a boastful manner. "I told you it was Desert Hill!"
Prince Mushroomkhamen faced the sixteen occupants in the room. "Hey! Which one of you dares to incur the wrath of Prince Emily Mushroomkhamen?"
"Your first name is Emily?" Bowser fell down on his shell, laughing even harder than he usually did. Upon realizing what the Prince had just revealed his first name to be, the rest of the characters burst into peels of laughter too. Even the Paragoombas stopped fluttering their wings and fell to the ground, chuckles abound. After quite a while, Bowser picked himself up and said, giggling in between, "What kind of - heh hee - idiot gives his son a girl's name like - ha ha - Emily?"
"You do, King Dad!" Ludwig Von Koopa's voice could be heard from elsewhere in the castle. "You've been calling me 'Kooky' recently, remember?"
Bowser dropped some sweat. "Whatever. Anyway, Prince - heh heh - Emily - ha ha ha ha - Mushroomkhamen, I plan to sell you on eBay..."
"Well, whaddaya know, Luigi?" said Toad. "You were right about Bowser's plans for da dead Prince here."
"...and I demand you get back in your mummy case, closing it from the inside as you do so, so that I can properly auction you!" Bowser continued.
"No way, ugly!" Prince Mushroomkhamen retorted. "I'm not resting till I get back to my pyramid! And for your information, this thing I'm resting in is called a sarcophagus, not a 'mummy case'."
"I must be on a roll today!" Luigi boogied. "That's three times in a row I've been right!"
"Oh, but I'm afraid I'll have to insist that you do what I say," said Bowser. "I've got all of you surrounded by an army of 1200 soldiers!"
"1200? You lie!" yelled Luigi. "I only see ten Paragoombas, and those are almost the weakest guys you've got! And in case you haven't noticed, I've got Raccoon powers, so I can just fly out of here!"
"Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Mr. Lean-and-Green! I was just trying to be..." Bowser suddenly noticed a tide of water creeping up into the room. "AW, CRAP! I left the bathtub running!"
Taking a deep breath, Bowser swam down toward his jacuzzi and put the drain into the on position. As the overflowing water began to drain out, Luigi turned to Prince Mushroomkhamen and said, "Quick, Emily! Get back in your sarcophagus and close it up! We need to use it with you in it!"
"Okey-dokey!" Prince Mushroomkhamen did just as he was told.
"I wonder why he obeyed me and not King Koopa," Luigi wondered as Peach and Toad got on top of the closed sarcophagus.
"Wipeout" started playing from out of nowhere as Luigi, Peach, and Toad rode the sarcophagus-sled down the stairway. Bowser's bathtub drain drained water rather quickly, so it was providing them with a pretty good getaway. Also, Bowser had managed to open his front door. As they surfed on down the stairs of Bowser's castle, Iggy & Lemmy made no attempt to stop them. The Paragoombas, on the other hand, gave chase after them, only to get their wings clipped off by Raccoon Luigi's tail. Finally, after quite a while of surfing through Bowser's Castle, the good guys drove the sarcophagus in the direction of the lake nearby and off to Desert Land. I mean, Desert Hill.
"Y'know, it's rather ironic dat you called dis a sled, considering we ended up surfin' wit' it," said Toad as the song came to an end.
"Well, I didn't expect that Bowser's bathtub would overflow," said Luigi.
Bowser, still in his bathrobe, watched them float away. "Oh, they won't get away with this!" He got into his Doomship and took the wheel. But when he tried to start it up, he couldn't get going. "Aw, crap times two! I must be out of fuel. Cheatsy!"
Larry Koopa reappeared. "Yes, King Dad?"
"Go get the Koopa Clown Car," Bowser commanded, "and hoist the Doomship onto it. Me, you, and Kootie Pie are going to Desert Land to steal oil."
"DON'T CALL ME 'KOOTIE PIE'!" Wendy O. Koopa screamed from inside the castle.
"Why do you want Kootie Pie coming along?" Larry asked. "I thought she was still punished for failing at taking over America."
"Hey," said Bowser, "I'm willing to do anything to get her to shut up about this Keeno DeLoreano she's been yakking about. Just hope she doesn't talk about it the way over; carrying the Doomship all the way to Desert Land by way of the Clown Car is gonna take all night..."
Back in the pyramid, Queen Mushroomkhamen was resting herself on her couch. Because she was sleeping, Mario was able to get out of her sarcophagus without her noticing. "Sleep for 10,000 years? Forget it!" he said to himself. "I'd sooner kiss a water buffalo! Besides, think of how hungry I'd get!"
Despite not having the strategy guide with him, Mario was able to find his way back to the pyramid entrance. By way of Dues Ex Machina Delivery Services, Luigi, Peach, and Toad arrived with Prince Mushroomkhamen's sarcophagus just as he was coming out of the pyramid.
"Mario! Ha-hey, you're safe!" Luigi dropped the sarcophagus on Toad's foot. Ignoring the retainer's screams of pain, the tall green-clad plumber ran up and glomped his brother.
"Ugh! I HATE hugging!" Mario shouted, in a Grouchy Smurf-type voice, and Luigi backed away from him. "Sorry about that, Luigi. I've had more hugging than I could stand today."
"Lemmie guess," said Luigi as Peach unraveled Mario. "Did the mummy mistake you for her son?"
"Yeah! How did you know?"
Toad held up Prince Mushroomkhamen's sarcophagus with his bare hands. "You're da spittin' image of Prince Emily Mushroomkhamen!"
At that point, Prince Mushroomkhamen's voice could be heard inside his casket. "Hey, can I open up now?" Without waiting for an answer, he opened up and revealed himself again.
"Holy crap, you're right!" said Mario.
"What happened to the queen mummy?" Peach asked.
"Yeah, where is my mom?" asked the dead prince.
"Oh, I just left her in the tomb," Mario said as Peach finished unwrapping him.
Just then, they noticed Queen Mushroomkhamen standing right behind them. "What are you doing with my son?" she demanded.
"Hey, how'd you get out here?" Mario asked.
"You left the door open," replied Queen Mushroomkhamen, pointing at the open door behind her.
"DAMN!" Mario cursed.
"Anyway, Emily Mushroomkhamen, you get back into the pyramid and go sit in the corner and think about what you've done!" the mummy scolded.
"You've made a mistake, Queen Mushroomkhamen!" said Peach. "This is our friend, Mario. That's your real son!"
Prince Mushroomkhamen sat up in his sarcophagus. "The red-haired blonde is telling the truth, mom! My sarcophagus and I got abducted, and these fellows rescued me!"
Queen Mushroomkhamen looked at her coffinated son, and then at Mario. She looked angry with the latter. "You imposter! How dare you pretend to be my son! You don't look anything like him!"
Mario looked insulted. "Hey, I wasn't pretending to be your son; you mistook me for him. Secondly, if I don't look a thing like him, why did you mistake me for him?"
Ignoring her not-son, Queen Mushroomkhamen focused her attention on Luigi and rubbed his chin. "But you look exactly like my husband! Come to me, my darling!"
"What the?" A befuddled Luigi faced Prince Mushroomkhamen. "Is this the reason you obeyed me earlier?"
"Don't be stupid, papa!" replied Prince Mushroomkhamen as he glomped his not-dad. "It's so great to finally see you again! I had no idea a simple visit to the store could take so long!"
"Aw crap!" muttered Luigi. "Now I wish we had visited that map salesman Toad mentioned! Then I could get a map to some other place!"
"Never fear, Luigi! I know how to handle this!" In an extreme show of product placement, Mario pulled a Game Boy Camera from out of nowhere and pointed it at Luigi and the mummies. "Smile! You're on Game Boy Camera!" he said as he snapped a picture.
The Game Boy Camera somehow flashed large enough to blind Queen and Prince Mushroomkhamen. While they were temporarily blinded, Luigi backed away from them. "What did you do to them?" he asked his brother.
"Oh, I just flashed them with the Game Boy Camera," Mario answered.
"Why didn't you just try that earlier?" Peach wanted to know.
"Well, for one thing, we have to fill eleven minutes. Besides, I had to check to see if it was OK for us to use product placement like Captain N is doing."
"Astounding feat!" said Toad. "Now we'd better get outta here before dey come to!"
So the good guys made their escape. But little did they know they'd have to come back to Desert Hill the next day. And if you've read King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof, you know why.
Half an hour later, the Mushroomkhamens snapped out of their blindness. "Hey, where's papa?" asked the prince.
"Never mind that," said the queen, "how are we supposed to get you back into the pyramid? We're too decrepit to lift your sarcophagus!"
"Boy, being undead stinks," muttered Prince Mushroomkhamen.
I hope you didn't find this first installment disappointing. I've only seen this particular episode once, and because of that, my memory of it is vague. However, I do have the next episode that will be featured, so that one should be good and/or better than this!