Here it is, the final chapter of King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2. It took me quite a while to get this one done, and considering I had already missed out on getting it finished in time for the release of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, just like how the last two chapters weren't finished before Super Paper Mario and Super Mario Galaxy came out, I was at least able to write up enough for this episode in time for the release of Mario Kart Wii. Let's see if this came out good.
"Crimes R Us"
This particular episode opened up on an overhead shot of a typical suburban neighborhood in some undisclosed location on Earth, but probably somewhere in the United States. The peaceful tranquility of this unknown neighborhood, though, was about to be disrupted, because on this particular day, the Doomship was flying right overhead! Well, actually, everybody was apparently inside their houses or out of town, because nobody was apparently around to alert the authorities that an enormous flying pirate ship was sighted in their town.
That didn't matter to the Koopas, though. The whole bunch of them were all up in the cockpit on this particular flight. Ludwig, the oldest Koopaling, was at the wheel since Bowser needed to do some typical bad-guy ranting to the other kids.
"Ah, the real world!" Bowser sighed, looking out the window. "Y'know kids, sometimes I wonder why I don't try to take over this place more often. Around here, no one can get strength-enhancing drugs from floating boxes, and besides that, everyone here considers me a fictional character and would never suspect an attack by me!"
"Yeah, yeah, papa." Bowser Jr., sitting atop his dad's shoulder, rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say. So what stupid plan have you thought up for this episode?"
"It's actually a smart plan this time, son," Bowser insisted. "And I don't need to explain it to you, because you're gonna find it in a minute or two."
Roy Koopa called out to his dad, "Hey pop! The unspecified real world prison we're looking for is straight ahead!"
Bowser looked at the jailhouse they were advancing upon. "Ah, prison - the only place in the real world with our kind of people! Except maybe Afghanistan."
Down inside the prison compound, the inmates, who all appeared to be wearing blue striped pajamas instead of the usual zebra-stipe or orange outfits, were busy playing basketball. Except for the guy who was reading Moby Dick; he wasn't playing basketball. But right now, that guy would've considered himself lucky, because the other convicts were all playing up against one large convict. And you could easily tell from this guy's face and body build that he was obviously not a nice guy. One of the smaller guys had the ball right now, but then he made the mistake of giggling in the direction of the big guy. The big guy hated giggling, so he grabbed Laughing Boy, curled him up into a ball, and threw him into the basketball net, just like in "Space Jam".
"OK, you maggots," the big guy said right after his premonitious movie reference, "any other of youse wanna make the mistake of doin' something I hate in my presence?"
Upon being asked that, the other prisoners did nothing but just run off, but not before one of them had pissed himself watching that spectacle.
"Heh, I thought not," the toughie muttered. "Now if I can just get some peace and quiet so I can practice some meditating..."
Suddenly, the prison walls began to rumble, and that was enough to make the bulky prisoner turn his head upward. The Doomship was now hovering right over the prison and was shooting at one of the watchtowers, possibly killing whoever was on guard duty in there, as evidenced by the screaming that could be heard coming from it.
A rope ladder then dropped down from the Doomship right near the hulk. Roy came down on it and pointed at the behemoth, asking, "Excuse me, sir. We're looking for Crimewave Clyde, real world public enemy number one. Can you tell us where to find 'im?"
"You're talkin' to him right now, shrimp," said the massive one. "I'm Crimewave Clyde, and if I wasn't, I wouldn't be locked up in this hellhole for 9,000 years with no parole! And believe me, dat's a plain unreasonable punishment. Do they honestly expect me to live for nine millenniums? Wait'll I get outta here; dat judge is gonna be so dead when I find him."
"You're Crimewave Clyde? I guess dat saves us da trouble of havin' tuh blow up yer cell wall..." Roy said to himself before putting his hand on Clyde and proudly announcing, "Crimewave Clyde, today is your lucky day! King Dad just got you an official pardon!"
Clyde was a bit astounded. "Whattayou talkin' about, kid? I just said I had no parole."
"Aah, whatevuh!" Roy somehow managed to lift Clyde off the ground, despite him being much bigger, and then had the ladder pulled back up to the Doomship, taking Clyde with him.
Inside the prison, one of the inmates looked outside and saw Clyde being taken away. "Hey guys!" he said to his companions. "Clyde's getting broken out! Any of youse mugs wanna join him?"
"Not me," said one of the meeker guys. "If he's out there, I think I'm safer in here. Besides, it's almost time for 'Hannah Montana' anyway!"
Soon following that scene, the Doomship was returning to the Mushroom World, with Crimewave Clyde aboard. He looked at the nine Koopa family members with a stern expression. "All right, I want some answers! After all, I never get much word from outside da prison walls, not even when my mother comes to visit. Who are you people? Why da hell did you bust me out? Where did you get dis flyin' pirate ship? And why are you still wearing dose ridiculous costumes? Answer, damn it!" he yelled, pulling on Bowser's snout.
"Ow! Let go of my nose, you butthead!" Bowser whined.
"Sure thing!" Clyde forcefully let go, causing Bowser to fall on his back. This elicited some giggling from Lemmy, Larry, and Wendy, but they quickly stopped that when Bowser snorted some fire in their faces.
Turning to face Clyde, King Koopa introduced himself, his crown suddenly replaced by a top hat. "These are not costumes, idiot! I am King Bowser Koopa! Main villain of the Super Mario video game franchise! But since you've been locked up for so long, I can pretty much see why you don't know who I am, unlike most of the other people I've encountered from your planet. And these are my eight Koopa Kids - Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Bowser Jr."
"Wait a second, King Dad!" Iggy Koopa interrupted. "You just got all of our names wrong except for Princie's!"
"Yeah, pop!" added Lemmy. "Does that have anything to do with the fact that he's the only one of us you send out nowadays?"
"Shut up, Dopey," Bowser, now wearing his crown again, addressed Lemmy incorrectly and covered his mouth. "We'll discuss that later. Anyway, Clyde, I suggest you find yourself something to sit on; I got quite a bit of a story to tell here..."
One scene-switch and an explanatory rant later, Crimewave Clyde was now standing in Bowser's throne room, trying to swallow the story that King Koopa had just told him. "So let me see if I got dis straight. You're Bowser Koopa, da main villain in dis world of fungus? And your plans are constantly being foiled by some fat Italian who likes jumping on your head, smacking your tail, and throwing you into lava pits?"
"That's right," Bowser nodded, "and you, Crimewave Clyde, are just the man with the criminal know-how to give my kids here the advantages I never had! I'd actually intended on recruiting the guy who put live-action programming on Cartoon Network and Toon Disney, because that's truly evil! Unfortunately, I don't know who he is or where he lives, so I settled for you."
"Fuhged it, scaleface! If you wanted some nanny to look after your children, you should've just hired Mary Poppins. I'm outta here." Clyde started walking away, but he was suddenly stopped by a pair of Hammer Bros. guarding the door.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not lookin' for a babysitter!" Bowser cried. "Although in recent times, I probably do need one since I don't bring most of these kids with me often. You see, most of my kids simply haven't got what it takes to be criminal masterminds like me! I've sent them to turn kings into animals, capture baby dinosaurs, and keep hold of some precious gems, and each time Mario kicked them out of their shells! But I want you to teach my tots every illegal, underhanded, treacherous trick you know! Well, except for Bowser Jr. He's actually capable of performing his tasks without messing up."
"Yeah, sure thing, pop. Rub it in for the rest of us." Ludwig von Koopa, his face colored as blue as his hair, rolled his eyes.
"If I have to be a teacher to these little delinquents of yours," asked Clyde, "then what's in it for me?"
"Uh, you get to keep half of what you steal." Bowser crossed his fingers behind his back. "And you get to decide which half of the loot is yours."
"Mr. Koopa, you got yourself a deal!" Clyde pointed his finger like a gun.
"Say, Mr. Clyde, how did you end up in jail anyway?" Bowser Jr. asked.
"Aah, I got caught beating one of da Three Little Pigs to a bloody pulp at Disneyland," the criminal answered. "Who woulda guessed it was da Big Bad Wolf who saw me doin' it?"
Sometime later, Mario and Luigi were sitting on a hilltop, just relaxing and doing nothing in particular but watching the clouds. And maybe the clouds might've been watching them too.
"Y'know, Luigi," said Mario, "I hear that if you use your imagination, you can see lots of things in the cloud formations. Do you see anything?"
"Why yes, Mario," Luigi replied. "Those clouds up there look to me like Washington and his men crossing the Delaware River while drinking coffee. And that cloud up there kinda looks like the CBS logo. And that group of clouds over there gives me the impression of a group shot depicting the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot with the four main members of the 'Histeria!' Kid Chorus. What do you see in the clouds, Mario?"
"Well, I was gonna say I could see a ducky and a horsy, but I changed my mind." Mario frowned. "Oh, but for realism, how about that one there that looks like the Doomship?"
Luigi, suddenly dressed like a ballerina, stood on one foot and looked at where his brother was pointing. "Hey, you're right, that does look just like the Doomship! Right down to the anchors and windows, even. Wait a minute - that is the Doomship!!"
Mario sat up and watched the Doomship pass by. "Yikes! What're the Koopas doing this time?! And how come they didn't try to shoot at us just now?"
"Looks like they're heading for the First Mushroom Bank," Luigi, now back in his regular outfit, observed the Doomship's path.
"Mama-mia! They might steal my nest egg! Uh, I mean, our nest eggs!" Mario hollered, putting his hands to his face like Macaulay Culkin. "We gotta stop those lunkhead Koopas, Luigi! You go get yourself a weapon power-up; I'll take the high road and use a flying one."
Inside the cockpit of the Doomship, the original seven Koopalings were seated in a semicircle in front of Clyde, who stood with an easel. "OK, Koopa Kids, class is in session," he said. "Our first lesson today will be a basic crime all us hardened criminals have pulled off at least in our careers - bank robbery!" He pulled a sheet off of his easel to reveal another sheet showing a well-drawn picture of the bank they were about to hit. "Any of youse mugs got any questions?"
"I have one!" A brown-faced Larry raised his hand. "Do we get to use guns on this mission? King Dad usually just lets us use magic wands."
"Aah, don't be ridiculous, Cheatsy!" Wendy interrupted. "This is a kids' show we're on; even if we were gonna use guns, they'd just get edited out!"
Clyde quickly went over the basics of ordering the bank tellers to give robbers cash that didn't belong them, such as pointing pistols and adding words like "yeah" and "see" to their demands. Soon after that, the Koopalings climbed down the Doomship's rope ladder and barged right through the front door of the First Mushroom Bank.
Roy advanced the bank teller with an open bag and held out his hand if he were actually holding a handgun. "Yeah, this is a hold-up, see? Yeah, we have invisible guns, see? Yeah, give us all yer money, see?"
But the teller didn't quite hear him; he was busy ranting on his cell phone. "So these people on the Internet are, like, really grinding my gears. They complain about 4Kids like censorship is somehow a bigger crime than rape and murder combined, and even go so far as to label the CEO as being eviler than the Superdevil, but in the end, who cares?! I'm like, 'Listen up, you jerks: I don't give a damn about your stupid anime and its stupid dub.' There are much more important issues in the world, like getting 'Histeria!' released on DVD. I don't have time for your Japanophilic ranting, and a lot of other people don't either."
While Roy was trying to make the teller pay attention to him, Iggy and Lemmy were ganging up on Toadsworth and stealing his watch, while Wendy snatched a fur boa from some unattractive lady Mushroomer. Ludwig, Morton, and Larry, meanwhile, weren't really doing anything that was worth mentioning.
"Gee, maybe we should've also tried putting on ski masks," Ludwig contemplated.
Just then, Raccoon Mario flew in through the front door. "Not so fast, Koopas! My sidekick and I saw you coming here, and we've caught you in the act!"
"Shoot! Mario's here!" Roy cried. "And I still haven't got this numbnut here to notice me!!"
"Aah, we can take 'im down," Larry scoffed. "It's not like he has us outgunned."
"Well, he does!" Luigi suddenly came in shooting fireballs at the Koopalings, in spite of the fact that he was still dressed in his usual clothes, while Mario hopped on the heads of some of the other ones.
"Hey Luigi, how come you're still wearing your regular outfit?" Mario asked while jumping on Morton's head.
"Cut me some slack, Mario!" Luigi griped. "I left my Fire suit at the cleaners today."
"Crap crap crap!" cried Ludwig. "Luigi's got a Fire Flower, our one weakness! C'mon siblings, we're bailing!"
"OK, but first, let's make sure Mario and, uhhh, Lucas, don't follow us!" Wendy was somehow holding a empty money bag herself, so she tossed it up at the flying Mario. The money bag instantly changed back into the fur boa she had grabbed earlier before wrapping itself around Mario, causing him to fall down. Then Roy got a fire extinguisher and sprayed Luigi with some of the stuff in it, which I guess was supposed to dissipate his Fire Luigi powers. The Koopas then ran back to their rope ladder and climbed back aboard the Doomship.
Mario pulled himself out of the boa. "Boy, what a sloppy performance that was."
"At least they didn't get away with anything," Luigi tried to make a point.
"Wrong, Master Marios!" Toadsworth moaned. "The twin bandits took my watch! Now how shall I know when it's time for the Princess to serve tea?!"
Upon returning to Bowser's castle, the Koopalings all started beating each other up in a heated argument over whose fault it was that they had failed the bank robbery. Clyde kept tapping his easel to get their attention so he could start the next lesson, but they didn't seem to hear him.
Bowser walked in and saw his kids fighting. "What's going on here?!" he muttered. "Why are my kids beating each other up when they can just take out their aggression in Super Smash Bros. Brawl like me?! Clyde, I thought I told you to teach them how to be effective evildoers!!"
"I was," Clyde explained. "I just sent 'em to pull off robbing a bank, the simplest kind of crime something like me could do, and they failed it!! Apparently, that Italian fellow you told me about was able to knock them out with his tail and the help of his pyromaniac brother. You didn't tell me this archenemy of yours was some kind of mutant freak with an equally outlandish sibling!"
"I didn't think his superpowers and sidekick needed mentioning!" Bowser argued, his crown changing into a bowler hat and back again. "Hhhhh. Maybe I should've just gone with getting that network executive who considers 'Out of Jimmy's Ass' appropriate Cartoon Network programming as I originally planned. It's obvious to me that I need to get someone who can help rub Mario out of my life."
"If dat's what you want, Mr. Koopa, I'll teach your kids to do just that," Clyde offered. "But it'll cost you. For this, I should get sixty percent of what we steal from now on."
"Fine, go right ahead!" Bowser walked out of the room. "Sixty percent isn't really that much over half anyway."
Clyde blew a whistle and tapped his easel repeatedly, snapping the Koopa Kids to attention. "All right, you meatheads! You failed lesson one!"
"Shucks, teach." Roy crossed his arms. "We could've passed if dat stupid bank teller had gotten off da phone long enough to hand over the dough!"
"No interrupting me when I'm trying to teach, eh... which one are you?"
"I'm Roy, da tough one. Or Bully, as everyone else calls me. And I was da one the teller wouldn't listen to!"
"So technically, it's your fault."
"No!! I could've been able to catch that jerk's attention if Mario hadn't butted in! Instead, all we got is dis stupid little watch that Hip and Hop shanked from some butler guy." Roy held out Toadsworth's watch.
"Gimmie dat." Clyde took the watch out of Roy's claw. "I'm gettin' more of what we steal from now on."
"What a gyp!" muttered Larry.
"I heard that! Now then..." Clyde rolled up another sheet on his easel to reveal photos of the Mario Bros. "Since your dad has demanded we do so, we're skipping lesson #2 and moving straight on to a more hardcore crime - eliminating de enemy." And with that, he used his pointer to slice Luigi's photo in half, but did nothing to Mario's photo.
"Sorry, Clyde," pointed out Ludwig. "Ve've already tried eliminating Mario several times, and we lost each time!"
"Yeah! Like the time we conquered the Mushroom World! And the time we conquered Dinosaur Land! And the time we conquered Jewelry Land! And the time we built all those hotels! And--" Morton's add-on got cut off by Ludwig slapping his mouth shut.
"And how did you take on your foes then?" Clyde asked.
"Why, we all stood our ground in one region each of whichever land King Dad had taken over," Roy explained. "And Mario took us all out one by one! I'll betcha dat's why King Dad now only sends out Princie nowadays."
"It would seem you kids are too dependent on the 'divide and conquer' strategy." Clyde cracked his knuckles. "Fortunately, I know just da plan that you kids need..."
About an hour or half later, in Desert Hill, a voice that sounded very much like that of Timmy Turner could be heard screaming for help. Somehow, his screams were loud enough for Mario and Luigi to hear back in the Mushroom Kingdom, so they immediately took a warp to the desert territory. "It's coming from over there!" Mario pointed from outside the warp pipe in the sky they had used.
The Marios jumped down and found a small Mushroom boy who wasn't wearing a shirt, hiding behind a block structure. "OK, kid, your screaming has been causing quite a disturbance," said Luigi. "Our friend Toad can't go to the post office 'cause of your shrill noise-making! What's the matter?"
"Well, it's like this..." the boy started to explain.
"Wait, lemmie guess!" interrupted Mario. "Your parents always neglect you and leave you in the care on an evil teenager whenever they go out, her little sister has a crush on you that you don't want to return, the girl you are interested in won't pay any genuine attention to you; the school bully is tormenting you, and your schoolteacher is always giving you bad grades. Am I right?"
"No! It's not like that at all!" said the boy.
"Well, excuse me!" Mario huffed in a female voice. "It's not my fault you sound like this one kid on TV who has all those problems."
"It's just that my lunch money was stolen..."
"Someone stole your lunch money, eh? I'll betcha it was Wario! He's always after money, no matter what he has to do to get it!"
"Actually, it was some ugly scaly monsters who took my money."
"Scaly monsters, eh? Then it must've been the Koopas! Don't you worry, kid, we'll get your lunch money back. Which way did they go?"
"Down that big pipe!" The kid pointed to some nearby pipes that were all about the same size. Instead of listening for him to specify which one, Mario and Luigi ran to the nearest one and went down it.
Once they were gone, Larry stepped out from behind the pyramid in the background. "Heheheh, you did a great job, kid!"
"Yeah! Here's your lunch money back." Larry uncharacteristically handed the five dollars he had taken from the kid.
Right behind him, Bowser Jr. asked, "Uh, isn't that a bit out of character for you, Cheatsy?"
"Who asked ya, eggface!" Larry gave his only little brother a bop on the head. "Now I feel cleansed."
Down below in the blue-walled cavern underneath, Mario landed on his feet while Luigi landed on his butt. "OK, Weege, this path looks more dangerous, so I'll go this way, and you go that way. Or should that be the other way around?"
"Wait a minute, Mario..." Luigi pointed up at the pipe, which had now inexplicably closed itself up. "That's the first time I've ever seen a warp pipe get clogged up around here! I get the feeling we've been bamboozled."
"You got dat right, suckers!" Nearby, Crimewave Clyde was laughing at them, with Morton standing beside him. "So, we finally meet, mutant Italian."
"Mutant Italian?" Mario was a bit insulted. "Hey, who the hell are you?"
"I'm your woist nightmare," Clyde pointed to himself.
"No way!" Mario rebuttalled. "My worst nightmare is having to work as a maid at Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Believe me, you do not want to put up with that jerkface Bloo."
"Shut up!" Clyde interrupted. "I'm Crimewave Clyde, criminal mastermind who has just helped da Koopas lead you to your doom."
"Oh yeah?" Mario rolled up his sleeves. "On the contrary, you have lured us to your doom! Wait... that didn't come out right."
"Too late!" a purple-headed Morton shouted. "It's game over for you creeps! You're history! You've had it! You're done for! Your time is up! It's all over! We win! Your luck is cleaned! Your sun has set! The fat lady has sung! The cheese has molded! You're bleeding demised! You're passed on! You're no more! You've ceased to be! You've expired and gone to meet your maker! You're stiffs! Bereft of life, you rest in peace! You're pushing up the daisies! You've run down the curtain and joined the choir invisibile! You are both ex-plumbers! The Super Mario Bbbbros. are no more!"
"All right, all right, dey get da picture!" Clyde slapped Morton down. "Your papa should've named you 'Gabby'; that name certainly fits you more than 'Sneezy'."
"OK, OK." Morton sighed. "To put it simply, you won't be foiling our evil plans anymore! Sic 'em, Boom-Boom!"
Right as Morton and Clyde left the room, in jumped a Boom-Boom who'd apparently had quite a bit of caffeine. "Oh, crap! I don't think we'll be able to stomp on this guy's head easily," Mario observed.
"Then how about we both do what I'd prefer to do - run for our lives?" Luigi offered.
"Sounds good enough to me!" Mario followed his brother in the direction of the cavern he was running in. They didn't get far when they suddenly ran into a pit of quicksand and fell right into it. "Do you have any other bright ideas, Weege?"
"I don't suppose we could hope for someone to toss a Starman in our direction?" Luigi shuddered as Boom-Boom approached them with its arms raised.
Is this the end of the Mario Bros.? Will Bowser finally conquer the Mushroom Kingdom? Why have the Princess or Toad not actually appeared in this episode? Will Dick Dastardly ever win a race? Why hasn't "Animaniacs" Volume 4 been released yet? Find out next time on... Oh, never mind.
Mario and Luigi were now standing comfortably on the other side of the pit, and Boom-Boom was up to his chest in the quicksand. "Good thing we can navigate through quicksand pits by just continuously hopping, eh Luigi?"
"I am not gay," Luigi responded, appalled.
"I didn't say you were." Mario argued as they continued on through the cave.
"But you said the A-sound there in a weird way."
"I didn't mean it like that..."
Back above ground, in the Mushroom Kingdom, Clyde and the Koopalings stood on a hilltop. "All right, Koopa Kids, now that your mustached adversaries are sleeping with the fishes, so to speak, it's time for you to pull off some real thievery. And dis time, don't mess it up!" With that, the Koopa Kids ran down the hill and headed right for Toad Town, leaving him to sigh, "Ah, I love da sound of children playin'. I know, because it was pretty hard to hear dat back in jail."
So the Koopalings went about with their little robbing spree. They were doing pretty fine at first; Morton helped Ludwig con an old lady out of her purse by threatening to show off his dancing skills, and Iggy and Lemmy stole Harry T.'s storeroom key. And even more so, Roy stole all the rewritable DVDs in the local Best Buy. And they all spoke gangster talk very well. But then Morton demanded Wendy to hand over the bag of money she was carrying, and she wasn't very happy about that. And neither was Clyde, who did a facepalm to his face in response to that.
Later that day, upon returning to Bowser's castle, the Koopalings looked over all the stuff they had managed to get away with. Roy went over the list, somehow barely opening his mouth. "Now den, that's 522 wallets, 391 poises, 912 Yellow Coins, 18 Blue Coins, 15 rewritable DVDs, forty Nintendo Wii games, 101 dog collars, and a yo-yo!"
"Yeah, and I'll take that, Bully!" Morton took the yo-yo, which suddenly changed from being painted yellow to blue, from Roy and started playing with it. "Y'know, I hear these things were originally invented as weapons! Maybe I should use this next time King Dad makes me a level boss."
"No no no! You're doing it wrong, you stupid kids! You're gang members; you're not supposed to rob each other!" Clyde yelled, not noticing that Iggy and Lemmy were pickpocketing him. "If this is how you kids were like before you came to me, than no wonder your dad says you were so stupid."
Watching this from his throne, Bowser applauded. "I must congratulate you, Crimewave Clyde. You've turned my original seven children from incompetent bunglers to compliant burglars! That makes me a happy king."
"Personally," remarked Clyde, "I could maybe live without it."
"Now that all of my Koopa Kids have become adept minions, and Mario's trapped in an underground chasm," Bowser rubbed his hands gleefully, "I can move on to my greatest evil plan yet!"
"Are you talking about the plan to collapse all the galaxies into one big galaxy with you as its ruler, papa?" asked Bowser Jr. "Sorry, papa, we already tried that and we still lost to Mario! And we probably won't even have the chance to do that plan again."
"I don't mean that plan, Princie. Now you start up a drum roll while I brief your brothers and sister on the plan." As his youngest prodigy began doing the requested drum roll, Bowser turned to address his original seven kids. "Kids, it's time to pull off the crime of the Mushroom century. Or at least whatever year this is."
"So what are we going to do, pop?" said Roy. "Are we gonna rob da ruins of da Mushroom pharaohs?"
"Loot through the pyramids of the Koopahari Desert?" Larry used Desert Hill's seldom-used alias.
"Kidnap that yucky Princess Peach and make her disappear?" said Wendy
"Contaminate the Mushroom Kingdom's water supply?" said Ludwig.
"Take over the TV broadcasts and force everyone to watch Jetix on Toon Disney?" said Lemmy.
"Shut off everyone's Internet connection?" said Iggy.
"I know!" said Morton. "We'll load the Doomship up with bombs and crash it right into the Princess's castle! Right?"
Bowser shook his head. "No, my little thievlings. For what is going to be my second-greatest evil plan yet, all of you and your little brother are going to... steal over 9,000 gold Coins from the Mushroom Kingdom Treasury!! Dun-dun-duuuunnnnn!!"
Bowser Jr. stopped his drum roll. "You mean 'steal over a billion Coins', don't you, papa?"
"Uh, right. That's what I meant. You're gonna steal me a billion Coins from the Treasury! It'll be an even bigger crime than the decline of Saturday morning television!" King Koopa gloated before doing his creepy deep-voiced laugh.
As the Koopalings cheered at their dad's declaration, Clyde rubbed his chin. "A billion coins, eh? Hmmm. Well, 60 percent of that should make this headache worth it."
Back in the cavern maze, Mario and Luigi were having more trouble than they did before. They were outnumbered by and on the run from two Hammer Bros., two Boomerang Bros., one Sledge Bro., one Fire Bro., one blue Chomp Bro., three Boo Buddies (one of whom was colored light violet), two Ptooies, and a couple of Bullet Bills.
"This just isn't our day, Luigi!" Mario complained. "For once, the Koopas actually seemed to have gotten the better of us. We've looked all over this place for a way out, and we haven't found any exit other than the one that Big Mouth used earlier. And to top it all of, we're being chased by a rather large amount of enemies, and the writers won't let us turn around and fight them off!"
"You don't suppose it might be because of that big guy who was with Big Mouth earlier, Mario?" Luigi piped. "I noticed he looked like a convict from back on Earth. Maybe Bowser recruited a human criminal mastermind to help his kids accomplish what he couldn't do and mess with the writers' heads?"
The duo suddenly stopped running, because now they were standing face-to-face with a pack of Snifits, three Chargin' Chucks, a Magikoopa, and a pair of Thwomps. And worse yet, the other enemies from earlier were just about catching up. Except for the Bullet Bills, who just sailed overhead.
"Damn..." Mario swore as the enemies began to gather around him and his brother. Turning to face the camera, he begged, "Kids, check your TV listings! Make sure this isn't the last episode!"
"Wait a minute!" Luigi snapped his finger. "I know what'll get us out of this! Zeeky boogy duke!"
"Luigi, no!!" screamed Mario. "Those words are--"
BOOM!! A nuclear explosion formed right where Mario and Luigi stood, taking out all the enemies who had surrounded them. When the dust from the explosion cleared, the coughing siblings staggered out.
"I knew it!" Luigi explained happily. "I knew that causing a nuclear explosion would be a great benefit to us."
Mario rubbed his head. "You're just lucky we ate those 1-Up Mushrooms earlier today. Don't you realize how dangerous those forbidden Zeeky words are?!"
"Hey, it got us a way out of here, didn't it?" Luigi pointed upward at the hole in the ceiling that had formed above where they had been standing.
"Does that make sense to you?"
"It doesn't matter so long as it benefits the plot."
"Works for me!" Mario performed his wall jump and made his way to the gap, then pulled Luigi up with him.
Soon, the Doomship was hovering right above the Mushroom Kingdom Treasury. Suspiciously, there didn't seem to be anybody around to guard it. Bowser looked down upon the building. "Heheheheheh. Soon I'll be so rich, I won't even need to kidnap the Princess anymore; I'll just be able to buy the place from her idiot father! ...Or maybe I'll at least be able to buy out and take over Isle Delfino."
Down below, all eight Koopa Kids were standing with Crimewave Clyde on the porch of the Treasury building. "All right, youse little mugs," Clyde instructed, handing a Bob-omb to Ludwig, "don't light this till I say 'go'."
"Sorry, what was that, Mr. Clyde?" asked Larry.
"Don't light it till I say 'go'!" Clyde repeated.
"What?" Larry asked again.
"'GO'!!" Clyde screamed.
"Gotcha!" Ludwig immediately lit the Bob-omb and handcuffed it to Clyde's ankle.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, you little maggot?!" Clyde yelled.
"Just following orders, Clyde," Ludwig answered. "You said 'go', so I lit the bomb!"
"But where did I say for you to attach it to my leg?"
"Aaah, we might as well admit it!" said Larry. "King Dad never intended to give you anything! So we're gonna kill you now."
"That's right!" Bowser Jr. added. "Our dad tells more whoppers than the advertising for Disney's One Saturday Morning!"
"I can't believe dis is happening!" Clyde held his head.
"Then I bet you weren't expecting this either." Wendy posed.
"No, no, I can't take this anymore!" Clyde ran off holding his ears while the Koopalings laughed at his expense. Luckily for him, he didn't get blown up by the Bob-omb because he found a pond conveniently located nearby. Without questioning whether or not the water was safe for him to jump into, he did just that and defused the explosive device. After spitting out the water that had gotten in his mouth, he somehow shook the shackle off of his foot and walked around timidly, taking a look at the colorful surroundings. "Man oh man, I shoulda never gotten myself involved in this caper. This whole place is crazy. I feel like I'm being watched all over. Those clouds have eyes! That bush has eyes! And those decorated boxes are somehow floating in air! AAAHHHH!!" He let out a high-pitched scream.
At that time, Mario and Luigi had by now made their way back from Desert Hill. "Hmmmm. Doesn't look like much happened in our absence, Mario," said Luigi.
"Well, we were only trapped in that maze for about two hours, Luigi." Mario pounded his fists together. "But wait till we find that big guy who's in league with the Koopas! Somebody's gotta make him pay for sending us through that hill-hull. It was even more unbearable than when we went back in time to ancient Japan!"
As he, Luigi, and Yoshi confronted the soldiers who were approaching them, Mario shook his head and said, "Hey, you were expecting maybe, Chip 'n Dale?" Behind him, Luigi and Yoshi groaned at his stupid joke.
Mario squinted into the distance. "Hey, what's that over there?"
"Aaaaahhh!!" The object Mario saw coming toward them was none other than Crimewave Clyde, running and screaming in terror from what he was seeing, and coming to a stop in front of the good guys. "Oh! You again?"
"Well well well!" Mario huffed. "If it isn't, uh... what was your name again?"
"Well, Mr. Clydewave Crime!" Mario mixed up the words in the convict's name. "We've got a score to settle with you."
"Never mind that, you good guys! You gotta get me out of this crazy mixed-up universe where even the clouds and plants are witnesses to the things I do!!" the criminal whined. "I'll do anything if ya just take me back to prison and away from this madness!!"
Mario brightened up (as did his skin, which was colored pure white at that point). "Anything?"
"Hmmmm. Would you... serve as a our butler for a day?"
"No, not dat!"
Luigi also had an idea. "Would you... convince The CW to not get rid of Kids' WB!?"
"I don't even know who dey are!"
"Would you," Mario offered, "eat some broccoli with a toasted bun?"
"No, no! I hate dat stuff!" Clyde whimpered. "I just wanna get outta here! I'll even help you stop the Koopas from robbing the Treasury building if ya just take me back to jail!!"
"The Koopas are robbing the Treasury building?" Mario responded. "Clyde, looks like you're gonna do something good for a change."
So, to make a long story short, the Koopalings started breaking into the Treasury building while listening to the unknown singers singing a song about double-crossing (although given what had just happened between them and their tutor, "Smiling Faces Sometimes" by the Undisputed Truth would probably also fit somewhat). Although Roy already managed to break down the front door with a Bob-omb while Wendy watched him without doing anything herself, the other Koopalings decided to break apart the other sides of the place in different ways; Iggy and Lemmy had a Chain Chomp chew through the ventilation system, Ludwig and Larry used a Fire Snake to blow a hole in the roof, and Morton and Bowser Jr. had a Ptooie Plant knock a hole in the wall. Once all eight of them got inside, though (and there were still no guards in sight), Roy opened the vault and, to the surprise of them all, found the Mario Bros. standing there with Crimewave Clyde, looking ready to give them a pounding. Once the unseen scuffle that followed had gone through, Bowser pulled up two large money sacks that he believed would be full of Coins. But when he opened the bags, all he got was his eight kids all tied and bound in one bag, and a Bob-omb about the size of Bowser Jr. in the other bag. The latter than exploded and shook up the Doomship quite a bit.
"No no no! My plan is ruinated! And my ship is damaged too!" Bowser cried. "Kooky, get us back to Darkland with what's left of our power!"
"Right, papa!" Ludwig took the controls. "But will you please stop calling me Kooky?!"
"As for you putrid plumbing pipsqueaks," Bowser shook his fist out the nearest window, "the game is not over! I will be back, and when I do, that little monster of yours is going on a crash diet!"
"What little monster of theirs?" Bowser Jr. nitpicked.
"Shut up, Princie, it's just a getaway threat."
"More like a throw-away threat! It's as silly as voting for the same choice millions of time, like I did with the 'good' ending to that 'El Tigre' episode."
"Wait a minute, you voted for the good ending?" Bowser pointed a scolding finger at his little look-alike. "Princie, you destroyed my faith in 'El Tigre'!"
Iggy and Lemmy chortled behind him. "Never thought I'd see this happen!" said Iggy.
"Yeah! For once, King Dad's favorite is the one being reprimanded!" Lemmy stated the obvious.
Down below, Mario, Luigi, and Clyde watched the fireworks coming from the Doomship as it flew away. After giving a weird salute and a toothy grin, Clyde turned to the Marios and asked, "Say, ain't you guys gonna stop dem from escapin'?"
"Aaah, he always does that," Mario shrugged. "It's a key rule for cartoons like this anyway."
About fifteen minutes later, Mario and Luigi somehow managed to find the jailhouse seen at the beginning of the episode, and Crimewave Clyde was soon back in his jail cell. "Hey, thanks again for helping us stop the Koopas, Mr. Clyde," said Luigi. "And I must say, I've never seen a guy happy to go back to jail."
"Well, da way I see it," Clyde remarked, "I think I find my jail sentence pretty preferable to having to spend another day in your crazy world full of evil turtles and spying plants."
"Uh, thanks, I think," said Mario.
"Besides," Clyde relaxed on his cell's mattress. "it's Visiting Day tomorrow, and I wouldn't want to disappoint my mother by not bein' around for her to see."
"Heh," Mario chuckled as they walked down the hallway, "isn't it lucky for Clyde that he didn't face the Koopa Kids on a bad day, Luigi?"
Luigi was a bit confused by that closing line. "Uh, I don't think I get that, Mario. Are you saying like it's a good thing he tangled with the Koopas on a sunny day as opposed to a day of a thunderstorm? And stop calling me gay; if I was, the fans wouldn't be pairing me with Princess Daisy."
"I never said you were gay; I didn't even say anything that could be misinterpreted to-- Aaah, forget it. Let's just get back to where we belong, Luigi. The Princess is probably wondering why she wasn't in this episode anyway," Mario said, not realizing his lips weren't syncing with his dialogue again. "Besides, it's almost noon. Time for a midnight snack." And with that, Mario walked off with Luigi, his clothes now colored like Waluigi's for no real reason, following him.
The camera then wiped to Freakazoid, who sighed in disgust. "Oy, let's watch the lip-sync again." And then a shot of a giant pair of lips sinking into the ocean suddenly came up before the camera cut back to the crazy-behaved superhero. "I thank you," he said in an authoritative voice as they faded to black.
Father Time stood in front of his space-type background piece as Big Fat Baby danced nearby him. His hourglass in hand, he faced the camera and said, "Well folks, that was the last episode of King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2. We hope you've enjoyed the show, because we're certainly glad you could join us. Until next time, so long from the cast of..."
"Histeria!" said Miss Information.
"Histeria!" said Toast.
"Histeria!" said Froggo.
"HISTERIA!!" said Loud Kiddington.
"Histeria," said Charity Bazaar (who had her arms around Loud at that moment).
"Histeria, homies!" said Aka Pella.
"Histeria!" said Cho-Cho.
"Hi-yo!!" said Lucky Bob.
"Histeria," said Mr. Smartypants.
"Ahahaha! Histeria!" Pepper Mills laughed.
"Histeria!" said Freakazoid, poking his head into the shot.
"Histeria!" the whole group said at once.
Mario suddenly jumped in front of them, accompanied by an ending ditty of his theme music. "And until next time, everybody, do the Mario!!" he hollered, as if expecting the others to join in.
But instead the "Histeria!" characters just walked away, uttering things along the lines of "Aaah, forget it."
"Sheesh, what a bunch of wet blankets," Mario muttered under his breath.
"WE HEARD THAT!!" Loud shouted from offscreen.
Cast (in speaking order)
Rob Paulsen - Geeks / Fred the Spanyard / Wooster / Koopa Castle Doorman / Mr. Smartypants
Walker Boone - Mario Mario
Paulina Gillis - Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa / Woman on TV
Tony Rosato - Luigi Mario / Luigi's Shoulder Angel / Luigi's Shoulder Devil
Harvey Atkin - King Bowser Koopa
John Stocker - Toad / Mouser
Tom Kenny - Intro Narrator / "SpongeBob SquarePants" Narrator
Tara Strong - Lemmy "Hop" Koopa / Iggy "Hip" Koopa / Lunch Money Boy
Dee Baker - Delightful Children Voice #1 / Bill the Extra Guy
Benjamin Diskin - Delightful Children Voice #2 / Nigel Uno
Cree Summer - Delightful Children Voice #3 / Aka Pella / Abigail Lincoln
Lauren Tom - Delightful Children Voice #4
Tress MacNeille - Queen Mushroomkhamen / Toadette / The Dark Queen / Susanna Susquahanna / Pepper Mills / Cho-Cho / Toast / Holly Mackeral
Tracey Moore - Princess Peach Toadstool
Joe Alaskey - Marvin the Martian
Delores Rogers - Bowser Koopa Jr.
Michael Stark - Ludwig "Kooky" Von Koopa
Grey DeLisle - Vicky / Frida Suarez
Dan Hennessey - Roy "Bully" Koopa
John Rankin - Larry "Cheatsy" Koopa / King Fishguy
Janice Kawaye - Jenny Wakeman
Chad Doreck - Brad Carbunkle
Gene Wilder - Willy Wonka
Frank Welker - The Wizard King of the West / Donkey Kong Jr. / Muttley / Pule Houser / Father Time / Fetch the Dog / Rob Pilatus / Kermit the Frog
Gordan Masten - Morton "Bigmouth" Koopa Jr.
Charles Martinet - Wario / Waluigi / Toadsworth
Richard Horvitz - Dr. Donez / Zim
Ben Campbell - King K. Rool
Ted Lewis - Giovanni
Dan Green - Ganon / Jake "The Crusher" Fungi
Allan Lurie - Mezmoran
Eric Stuart - Cloaked Nightmare / The Mushroom Marauder
Jim Cummings - Dr. Ivo Robotnik / Dick Dastardly / Sanford the Director / Fab Morvan / Deep T. / Dr. Neo Cortex
Scott McNeil - Dr. Wily
Levi Stubbs Jr. - Mother Brain
Richard Newman - M. Bison
Edward Hibbert - Evil the Cat
Breckin Meyer - Calvin
Sandy Fox - Toadia
James Wickline - Bill Straitman
Patrick Warburton - Madzilla
Nora Dunn - Lydia Karaoke
Laraine Newman - Miss Information / Charity Bazaar
Jeff Bennett - Lucky Bob
Billy West - Chit Chatterson
Cody Ruegger - Loud Kiddington
Nathan Ruegger - Froggo
Kacy Shelley - Aaron Carter as Kacy Shelley
Jen Taylor - Princess Daisy
Luke Ruegger - Big Fat Baby
Mike Judge - Boomerang Bros.
Dan Castellaneta - King Toadstool / Mervin the Magician
Adam West - Mighty Plumber
Alanna Ubach - Manny Rivera
Ed Asner - Crimewave Clyde
Paul Rugg - Freakazoid
That concludes King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2. I don't know if this ending was really any better than the previous episodes, but it seems appropriate that I finished it just a few days short of the third anniversary of the day I posted the first chapter. I don't know if I'll ever do a King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 3 covering the eight "Adventures of SMB3" episodes that weren't released on those DVDs, but if I do, well, that'll definitely be a good reason for me to own the Shout! Factory DVD set (which I haven't gotten yet, but might pretty soon now that "Tiny Toons" and "Freakazoid!" are coming to DVD as well). Till next time, everybody!