Author's Note: Sorry for those you who might end up being disappointed with this, but I feel that "The Ugly Mermaid" is perhaps the stupidest episode of any Nintendo-based cartoon. For one thing, a more accurate title would be "The Ugly and Stupid Ladyfish". Firstly, a mermaid is a woman is with a fish tail, or at least that's what I've learned from "The Little Mermaid". But Holly Mackeral, along with the other citizens of Mertropolis, is a fish with human legs. Secondly, where did Mario's sudden aquaphobia come from? Thirdly, why would fish-people live in an air-filled Atlantis-like dome? It makes no sense, and neither does them panicking when Bowser "floods" the place! And finally, the subplot with Holly was done before - to be more exact, in the first season's "Love 'Em and Leave 'Em", except that one was surprisingly preferable by comparison, because there Queen Rotunda was under the effects of a love potion. Holly, on the other hand, is just too stupid to tell the difference between a real frog and a man dressed as a frog. Not to mention that Bowser already attempted to take over an underwater kingdom in "Mario of the Deep". It's sheer proof that DiC hired a staff with no brains. This episode isn't even that much fun to do a parody of. I oughta just skip it and go straight on to the next episode, but that would mean throwing this fanfic into incompleteness, so I guess we'll just have to see if I could mangle something that's already pretty messed up.
"The Ugly Mermaid"
"Aaaaahh... the beautiful sea. Today we find a zhigantic red sea serpent casting its shadow over... Hmmm, the camera's running a bit choppy today. Wait a second, this isn't Bikini Bottom!"
"Aw, shut yer trap, pal!" King Bowser Koopa shouted as he cut off the French Narrator's music. "You're on the wrong show! Now if you'll excuse me, I have an underwater kingdom to take over! Ahem... Bahahahahaha! This is Koopariffic! I can do even more bad in my Doomsub than in my Doomship!"
The Doomsub, as Bowser called it, looked indeed like a gigantic red sea serpent, except it was a submarine. Obviously, it was not the same submarine seen in Super Mario 64, but tell me, given that this show came out six years before the Nintendo 64, did you honestly expect that? Actually, it kinda looked a lot like Serpentera with a red paint job. You know, Lord Zedd's personal Zord from "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers"? Granted, I don't recall ever actually seeing Serpentera in action, but it must've been one kick-ass vehicle. I mean, seriously, the Rangers couldn't put a dent in that thing! They even made a good-guy version to counterattack Serpentera, and they still couldn't defeat it! It's too bad Zedd couldn't bother to find a better battery source for that thing; he could've easily crushed the Rangers and put an end to their stupid show before it could go on longer than it needed to and ruinate Toon Disney. I mean, it's bad enough they had to start putting new shows on it, but airing a program that's not even animated? What in God's name are they-
"You shut up too, Narrator!" Bowser cried out. "I don't need you commenting on my submersible!"
Sorry about that.
Accompanying King Koopa as always was his favorite of his eight kids, Bowser Jr. "So what are we going to do today, Papa?" he asked. "This is the first time I've ever seen this Doomsub thingy in action. Are we going to contaminate the Mushroom Kingdom's water supply?"
"No way, Princie! We're going to take over a submerged city that isn't mentioned in any of the games!" Bowser cackled as an Atlantis-like domed city came up over the horizon. "Soon the underwater kingdom of Mertropolis will be Kooptropolis!" he said, his mouth barely moving.
On the other side of the room, the twin Koopa Kids, Iggy and Lemmy, were looking out the back window. From there, they could see the Mario Bros., Toad, and Princess Peach, giving chase after them. Since they were underwater, they were all wearing Frog Suits. Lemmy turned to speak to his dad. "There's just one problem, King Dad! Those pesky Mario Bros. are right on our tail!" he reported, forgetting to pay any attention to the Princess or her servant.
"Uh, yeah, what he said!" Iggy added, miffed that he didn't get to finish his brother's sentence this time.
"WHAT?!" Bowser practically turned into a steam whistle. "How the hell did they ever find out what I'm up to?!"
The previous night, at the End Bosses' Tavern...
"Tomor-hic!-row, I plan to in-hic!-vade and take over the underwater king-hic!-dom of Mertrop-hic!-olis!" Bowser, drunk from an insane amount of Wily Beer, babbled in front of what appeared to be a rather sickly-looking Shang Tsung.
"Yesss... tell me more about this plan of yours," requested the midget hidden under the Shang Tsung disguise.
"I will be us-hic!-ing my newly com-hic!-pleted device made espec-hic!-ially for underwater tra-hic!-vel," Bowser continued. "I call it, the Doom-hic!-sub!"
At that point, Dr. Neo Cortex walked by, saying, "Sheesh, Bowser! You look like you need a rest. You too, Shang."
"Well, however they found out, I'm not gonna sit here and let them foil my plans again!" Bowser picked up his microphone and called out, "Rocky Wrenches! To your battle stations! Those damn Mario Bros. are on my tail again! Kill, injure, or capture them, or else you get no dessert tonight!"
Upon hearing their leader's announcement, the Rocky Wrenches dropped their copies of Wrench Lovers Monthly and headed for their deployment holes. "He could at least learn to say 'please'," the head Rocky Wrench commented on the way.
Outside the Doomsub, not far behind, the Mario Bros., wearing Frog Suits, were indeed giving chase. Oh, and Peach and Toad were tagging along with them. They were tagging along 'cause they had nothing better to do that day. I mean, it was clearly obvious that they weren't going to do anything useful, but it was either this, or watch Cartoon Network's latest excuse to run "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" too many times, and they obviously weren't in the mood to see that, so they decided this would be a better way to spend the day.
"Stroke! Stroke!" Mario called out, as if giving exercise instructions.
"Remind me again," said Toad, "what have we come down here for?"
"Bowser's going to take over the underwater kingdom of Mertropolis!" Mario stopped shouting out for strokes long enough to explain. "Naturally, we're going to stop him!"
"We must remember to thank Deep T. for telling us about this!" Luigi smiled.
Peach looked surprised. "Haven't we done this before?"
"We probably have, Princess," Luigi answered. "Maybe this is a rerun."
"No, I think it's more like the plan that King Koopa's attempting this episode, which is to take over a submerged city that isn't mentioned in any of the games, is something he already tried and failed at during last season!"
"Then I guess maybe the writers have run out of ideas," added Mario. At that point, he noticed the Rocky Wrenches sticking their heads out from under the Doomsub, which somehow was not causing any water to flood into the submarine, and tossing wrenches their way. "But enough déjà vu talk! What say we throw a wrench into the works, Luigi?"
Luigi faced the others. "Now how did I know he was going to say that?"
The Mario Bros. each caught a wrench. Over in the Doomsub, the Rocky Wrenches looked stupefied. "Oh nuts!" said one of them. "Now they probably know how to use 'em against us! Duck back in!" And they immediately did so.
"Hey Koopa!" Luigi called. "Do you have any idea how repetitive your plans are getting? I'm starting to get this show confused with the later seasons of 'Pokémon'!"
The Mario Bros. threw the wrenches right at the Doomsub's propellers and hit them dead on. Immediately, the submarine began to spin out of control. Inside the driving room place thingy, Bowser and the three accompanying kids of his tumbled around.
"No! I can't let them foil my plans now! Not when it's so early in the episode!" Bowser screamed. Bowser Jr. and the Koopaling Twins had just about finished bumping heads when he finally regained control. "It's time to activate the Encase-Something-In-A-Block-Of-Cement-Causing-Them-To-Sink-To-The-Bottom-Of-The-Ocean Lasers!"
Bowser Jr. shook his head back in shape. "Lemmie guess. You couldn't get any Turn-Something-Into-A-Piece-Of-Chocolate-Chip-Pizza-Topped-With-Vanilla-Pudding-And-A-Strawberry-On-Top Lasers?"
The Doomsub began to fire the so-called Encase-Something-In-A-Block-Of-Cement-Causing-Them-To-Sink-To-The-Bottom-Of-The-Ocean Lasers all over. "Uh-oh..." said Toad once he saw the lasers coming out. "I'm beginnin' to t'ink Koopa-Stoopa ain't actually repeatin' himself!"
"Actually, Toadie, I have this nagging feeling the writer is reusing two previously-done plots this week!" Mario hid behind a few blocks and watched as they were hit by the lasers and sunk. "I don't know what those things do, but it looks like they're made to encase something in a block of cement causing them to sink to the bottom of-OH NO! PRINCESS!"
One of the lasers was heading straight for Peach, and Mario knew that if he didn't do something fast, she would soon lose a life. So, being the gallant knight without the shining armor that he was, he unselfishly put himself between his beloved Princess and the laser that was about to hit her. He shut his eyes immediately on the impact of the laser hitting him and encasing him in a block of cement.
"Auggh! Now I'm encased in a block of cement and going to sink to the bottom of the ocean!" Mario cried as he began to sink. "And even worse, I somehow can't breathe in spite of the fact that I had no trouble breathing underwater previously! But at least I died protecting the woman I looooooooooooooooooooooooooo-" His voice trailed off as he disappeared below sea level.
"What did he say?" Peach asked.
"We'd better go down and save him!" Luigi began to swim downward and made the others follow him. "That way, you can ask him later."
As the three of them began to swim down to rescue their fallen leader, a mermaid came out a pipe nearby. Actually, she wasn't a mermaid at all; she was more like a fish with legs. She wasn't very attractive, either. Obviously, she was the ugly "mermaid" of the episode's title. "Despite the fact that I shouldn't get involved in something that isn't my business," she said to herself, "I am going to do what I think I'm about to do!" And she swam after the unconsciously sinking Mario and grabbed him by the fins of his Frog Suit.
Close by, Luigi and the others swam up. "Oh, whaddaya know! He's already been rescued!"
"Rats!" Toad cursed. "I wanted to save his life dis time!"
"We'd better follow her," Peach commanded, "or I might never find out what Mario was saying back there!"
So they followed the fish-lady down to the pipe she dragged the drowning Mario through. When they came out on the other side of the water-filled pipe, they were in what appeared to be an average metropolis covered by an air-filled dome.
"We should thank you for saving our friend Mario," Peach addressed the fish-lady.
"Yeah! But first we need to revive him!" Luigi jumped on the cement block Mario was encased in, somehow causing it to break a bit.
The fish-lady wasn't listening, though. Instead, she was putting a fishbowl, filled up with water, on her head. "Ahhhhh!" she breathed the water in. "Forgive me for sounding ungrateful, frog-people, but us Mertropolians can't breathe outside of water like you can, so we have to wear fishbowls like this if we're not outside in the water. Problem is, these dern things cause everything to look fuzzy!"
Luigi, Peach, and Toad ignored the fish-lady and set to work on reviving Mario. Once they had managed to break him out of the cement block, Luigi then commanded, "Go get a pump, Toadie, so we can get the water out of his lungs!"
"Screw that, that'll take too long! I have a more efficient idea!" Peach put her lips right on Mario's and proceeded to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Mario soon fluttered his eyes, muttering, "Uhhhh... tell Luigi that he inherits the fortune I've made as Nintendo's mascot... and Sonic, please tell Sonic that... that... he's an insensitive butthead!"
"Wake up, Mario!" Toad jumped on Mario's stomach and slapped his head a few times. "You're not dying! We just gave ya CPR!"
"Oh!" Mario regained control of his mind. "Am I glad to be alive again! I swear, I could see Gunpei Yokoi greeting me into Heaven. What happened?"
"We were just about to rescue you," Luigi explained, "but it looks like that grotesque freak of nature over there did it for us!"
"I was saved by a grotesque freak of nature?" Mario was shocked. "Holy mackerel!"
"The name's Holly Mackerel, my poor sweet frog!" The fish-lady pushed the others out of the way and pounced right on Mario. "I am the mermaid princess of Mertropolis! And you, you gorgeous hunk of warty skin, are gonna be my husband!"
Mario gasped in horror, for being hit on by an ugly half-fish lady claiming to be a mermaid princess is the exact horror one finds himself in one of...
GARFIELD'S TALES OF SCARY STUFF!
"Y-y-y-y-your husband?!" Mario jumped away from her. "You're mistaken, lady! I don't even know who you are!"
"Maybe you don't, but I do!" Holly Mackerel cooed. "My fortune teller told me that a handsome frog prince would be hopping into my life, and you must be him! And you have such a stylish moustache for an amphibian! I like that in a man."
An exclamation point appeared above Peach, and she jumped behind Mario. "BACK OFF, BITCH, HE'S MINE!" she scowled, in a more gruff voice than usual.
"So, my frog prince, would you like me to bring you to meet my father?" Holly asked, somehow oblivious to Peach's objection.
"Uh... look, Holly, I don't wanna sound ungrateful, I mean, it was nice of you to save my life, but that doesn't mean you have to crawl all over me and say I have to marry you!" Mario reasoned. "Besides, I'm no frog prince! I'm not even an actual frog!"
"Oh, playing hard to get, are we?" Holly somehow didn't fully understand what Mario had just said. "That's OK; I like a challenge!"
"I just told you, I'm not a frog!" yelled Mario. "And even if you weren't scary beyond all reason, I kinda already have a significant other!"
"You heard him, you hussy!" Peach called out. "I'm his significant other, not you!"
"Look, I know my frog prince when I see him, and that's what you are!" Holly said stupidly, somehow not hearing Peach.
"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a frog!" Mario hollered. "Look at this human face. Do you honestly think a real frog would have this kind of face?"
"Of course, sweetykins!" Holly swooned. "It makes you look beautiful!"
Mario pulled in Kermit the Frog. "Do you recognize this guy?"
"Of course. Garfield the cat," Holly answered.
"WHAT?!" Kermit was flabbergasted.
Mario sighed. "Kermit, tell this freak of nature here that I'm not of the same species as you!"
"Well, of course you're not. You're not made of your creator's mother's winter coat," said Kermit. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have enough problems now that I have to work for Disney. You're on your own with this one." And with that, Kermit made his trademark exit, shouting out a hearty "Yaaaaaay!"
Mario shook his head. "Sorry Holly, you might be a swell fish, but... I just don't deserve you!"
"But Froggy!" Holly begged. "We could be so happy tog-"
"D-did you just call me 'Froggy'?" Mario interrupted.
"Well, stop, because I do believe another cartoon character is already going by that pet name."
Somewhere in Burbank, California, Froggo was watching this on TV. "I told him not to come cryin' to me later!" he said.
"Now if you'll excuse me," Mario backed away, "me and my friends gotta get going and stop King Koopa!"
"No buts!" Mario hopped back to his companions. "Sheesh! What is that crazy creature's problem? Why doesn't she get it that I'm not a frog?"
"Yeah, why can't she be the other kind of mermaid, with the lady part on top and the fish part on the bottom?" Luigi inquired sarcastically.
"Isn't dat a quote from 'Futurama'?" Toad asked.
"No, Toadie, they said it the other way around," Luigi replied.
"Whatever. Let's just get out of here before she realizes she can swim after us!" Mario hopped towards the pipe leading out into the sea and jumped into it. But then, without warning, he suddenly jumped away from it, squealing in terror.
"Hey!" Luigi was confused. "What'd you do that for, Mario?"
"I don't believe it," Mario answered. "Somehow... I'm afraid of the water!"
Luigi, Peach, and Toad flashed strange glances. "WHAT?!" was all Toad could say. "But dat doesn't make any sense! You were swimmin' perfectly fine in it a few minutes ago!"
"Yeah!" said Peach. "Plus, this isn't my opinion, but don't you realize that acting like you have a sudden aquaphobia is making you a bit of a coward?"
"Dat's right!" Toad added. "Everyone knows Luigi's supposed to be da coward in dis group!"
"Hey!" Luigi was insulted.
"Yes, I know," Mario sobbed. "It's even more embarrassing than when I was disqualified from 'Legends of the Hidden Temple'."
As Mario was making his way through the swamp of the Hidden Temple, he opened a door and found a Temple Guard waiting right behind it. Thinking quickly, he jumped up into the air and stomped on Temple Guard's head. The Temple Guard fell down, grabbing the top of his head and grunting, "Ssssssss... Ahhhhh!" repeatedly.
"You're being ridiculous, Mario!" Luigi reasoned. "If you don't leave here, that Ariel-wannabe won't leave you alone until she's turned you into the father of her children!"
"Don't haunt me like that, Luigi!" whimpered Mario.
"Ya don't think maybe bein' encased in dat cement block affected his brain, do ya?" Toad said to Peach.
Just then, they heard Bowser's voice up above. "Attention duelists! I mean, attention people of Mertropolis! I, King Bowser Koopa, frequent end boss and heavyweight go-kart driver, am going to take over your pathetic city! I will give you twenty minutes to surrender, and if you don't do just that, I'll get so angry you won't believe it!" The Doomsub was floating right above the airdome.
"Don't you mean 'I'll destroy you all'?" Bowser Jr.'s voice came from the Doomsub.
"Uh, right!" Bowser cleared his throat and spoke again. "I will give you twenty minutes to surrender, and if you don't do just that, I'll destroy you all! Thank you and have a nice day. This message will repeat."
Down below, inside the airdome, Toad took command. "We gotta hurry to Mertropolis and stop dat crazy Koopa! We ain't gonna let our leader's sudden aquaphobia stop us, right?"
"Uh, shouldn't I be the one taking charge?" Luigi interrupted. "I'm the hero's sidekick!"
"So long as we're asking questions, have you guys noticed that my Frog Suit has eyelashes?" Peach pointed out.
At that point, another anthropomorphic fish creature came up to them. He had purple scales and was wearing a king's crown on top of his fishbowl. "Sizzling sea serpents, Princess Toadstool! Am I glad to see you and the Mario Bros.! You I can do without," he said, pointing to Toad.
"Hey!" Toad was insulted.
"You've got to save my people!" the king-looking fish guy said. "Oh, pardon me, allow me to introduce myself. I am King Fishguy, ruler of Mertropolis."
"You mean dis is da place we have to save from Bowser?" Toad verified.
"Are you related to that creepy fish-lady who was hitting on me just a few minutes ago?" Mario asked.
"If by 'that creepy fish-lady' you mean my daughter Holly," replied King Fishguy, "then yes."
"I can see the resemblance," Mario responded.
"Actually," King Fishguy explained, "all of us Mertropolians look like this. Since we can't breathe without water, we have to wear these fishbowls on our heads in order to live whenever we're at home."
"Wait a minute!" Luigi interrupted. "You people are anthropomorphic fish?"
"And you live in an giant airdome?"
"And because you can't breathe air, you have to wear fishbowls on your heads?"
"Then let me ask you this." Luigi jumped on King Fishguy and screamed in his face. "WHAT IN MIYAMOTO'S NAME ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?! Living in an air-dome when you have gills - that's not right!"
"My brother's got a point, King Fishguy," added Mario. "Why would you guys want to live in a place where you might die if you forget to put your headgear on?"
"There's no time for this chatter about my species!" King Fishguy pulled Luigi off of him. "Go get your froggy derrieres out there and save my kingdom from King Koopa before he does whatever it is he's going to do to us!"
Mario shivered. "I-I-I'd really like to help you, King Fishguy, but..."
"What's the matter with you?" King Fishguy asked, his head suddenly colored in a pale fleshtone. "You're not afraid of King Koopa, are you?"
"That wuss? Hell no!" Mario stood defiantly. "I give him sound beatings on a regular basis, and even more in remakes and compilations! I practically eat his soldiers for breakfast! I fart in the general direction of his Goombas, sneeze in the face of his Lakitus, and call his Thwomps a silly thing!"
"Then what are you so worried about?"
"Can you keep this a secret?" Mario quivered again. "I'm somehow afraid of the water," he whispered.
"You're somehow afraid of the water!?" King Fishguy repeated aloud.
"I'm afraid so," replied Mario. "And since Bowser's Doomsub is out there, there's no way I could get out there long enough to take him down!"
Luigi jumped in front of his brother as some calypso music kicked up. "Mario, listen to me. This fishy world; it's a mess! Life out in the sea is better than anything they got in here!" And with that, he began to sing along to the music.
"The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
You dream about staying in here, but that is a big mistake.
Just look at the world above you, on top of the ocean floor;
Such wonderful things are out there, what more could you be looking for?
Out in the sea, out in the sea,
Brother, it's better
Out where it's wetter,
Take it from me!
Down around here they work all day,
In this hellhole they slave away,
While we're devoting
Our time to floating
Out in the se-"
"Hang on a second, Luigi!" Mario interrupted his brother's song-and-dance number. "Modified lyrics or not, you can't sing that. We're probably already in enough trouble with Disney."
Luigi started to walk off in the direction of the pipe with a disappointed look. "I never get to sing..." he pouted.
"Don't worry, King Fishguy. We're gonna save Mertropolis, no matter what Bowser does to you!" Peach grabbed Mario by the hand and dragged him pipeward as he kicked and screamed like a child, and Toad followed.
"You do that, and your every fish wish is my command!" King Fishguy turned to face the Mertropolian holding his cue cards. "Fish wish? That's the worst joke you've ever written for me. You're fired!"
The Mertropolian in question threw down the cue cards he was holding. "Fine! Go ahead and fire me! I make better wages at the local GameTrader!"
Peach, Luigi, and Toad jumped into the pipe, causing water to splash out onto Mario. Cringing like Cringer, he hopped on top of some blocks, screaming, "Yikes! Keep me away from that water!"
Toad got out of the pipe. "Sheesh, you really are bein' serious with dis aquaphobia, Mario. What's da big deal? I know dat ya nearly drowned, but surely you have extra lives in resoive, don't you? In other words, you wouldn't have really died back dere anyway! You'd just reappear a short distance away from where ya got zapped!"
"Y'know, guys, I'm beginning to think my brother's aquaphobia is just an excuse of some sort to drag this series of events out," Luigi observed.
Just then, a pack of Boomerang Brothers came out of the pipe! "Holy crap!" Toad screamed. "It's da Boomerang Bros.!"
"Koopa's invading Metropolis!" Peach stated the obvious so quickly she didn't notice her accidental mispronunciation.
"Uh, tell us something we don't know, Princess!" said Luigi. "Also, I thought this city was Mertropolis."
"Uh huh-huh m huh hnngh!" The front Boomerang Bro cackled to the one behind him. "Check it out, #2 - they're wearing Frog Suits."
"M heh-heh huh hnngh!" The second Boomerang Bro in line cackled back at the front one. "Aren't they aware that those suits suck on land? Huh-huh-huh! They're gonna be as much of losers as those idiots who post those unfunny modern Cartoon Network bumpers on YouTube!"
"Huh-heh hnngh heh-huh! You said 'tube'."
"Oh yeah! M huh heh huh-huh-huh! That was cool."
"Those front two sound awfully familiar," Mario observed.
"Fire, fire!" The front Boomerang Bro threw his boomerang in Mario's direction. But Mario, in spite of his current state of affairs, was quick to grab one of the boomerangs and come flying right at that Boomerang Bro, knocking him down. 'Cause he's that awesome.
"Quite a feat, eh Princess?" Luigi bragged.
"I'd say it was marvelous, Luigi," Peach replied, "but you didn't pull it off. Your brother did, you idiot!"
"Yeah, Luigi!" Mario remarked. "Are you trying to steal credit from me or something?"
"Can we argue 'bout dis later?" Toad pointed. "We got other fish food to fry!"
Trying his best to ignore Toad's lame pun, the front Boomerang Bro was picking himself up as the rest of his brethren threw their boomerangs. But again, they had not figured on their adversaries' ingenuity. Mario and Luigi grabbed some nearby ring coral that just happened to be growing in the middle of the hard linoleum ground and threw it at the Boomerang Bros., somehow enveloping all of them. The front two Boomerang Bros. got tied up in the same ring coral. "Dammit, this sucks!" Boomerang Bro 1 complained to his companion. "It's all your fault 'cause you're such a dumbass."
"Oh yeah! Huh-heh-huh! I knew that!" laughed Boomerang Bro 2.
"How about a game of leap-Frog Mario?" Luigi offered to his bro.
"Geez, can't they even write good puns today? If Rowby Goren's writing this, he's slipping even worse than usual." Mario whined. Nevertheless, he and Luigi played leapfrog, kicking the Boomerang Bros. aside as they did so.
"YAY!" cheered Peach and Toad. "We were totally ineffectual!"
Up above, in the Doomsub, Bowser was watching this with his periscope. "Hmmm... I knew that the Boomerang Bros. would fail, even though the good guys are wearing Frog Suits!"
"Then why did you bother sending them down, papa?" Bowser Jr. asked.
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm..." Bowser was stuck in his quest for an excuse.
"Just admit it, papa. This plan of yours, whatever it is, stinks."
"No it doesn't!" Bowser yelled at his favorite kid and spoke into his microphone again. "All right, you lousy do-gooders! I know you're down there! You may have stooped my Troopas, but you won't stoop- I mean, stop me! That was just the first wave of my attack!"
"Um, am I supposed to be intimidated by him 'cause he said 'wave' and I'm afraid of water at the moment?" Mario asked his friends. "I mean, it's only an expression, right?"
"Well, don't you worry, Mario!" Peach caressed her loved one's shoulders. "In spite of the fact that you probably shouldn't, you stay right here, and we'll take care of King Koopa."
Mario watched as his brother, his love interest, and whatever the hell role Toad played in his life, went back through the pipe leading out of Mertropolis and made their way towards his archenemy's submersible. "Sure, go right ahead. Go along and get yourselves captured. I'll just curl up here and let the Sony and Microsoft fanboys make fun of me."
Nearby, Holly (you probably hoped I forgot about her, right?) had walked over to the pipe in question, somehow mistaking it for Mario. She could somehow see his reflection in the water held in said pipe. "I knew it, Froggy! You cared too much about me to leave Mertropolis!" She tapped at the pipe. "Have you been working out in the past three minutes? Your frog belly has become as hard as steel!"
Mario watched the ugly not-mermaid pound on the pipe. "Geez, she's not only ugly, she's blind and dumb. How can she mistake something purple for something that actually resembles a frog? If I wasn't afraid of her advances, I could watch her fumbling around all day."
King Fishguy suddenly walked up. "Mario! Why are you just sitting around here wearing that ridiculous outfit? That Bowser person up there probably has another attack waiting to spring! I thought you said you could kick his posterior on a regular basis."
"Don't worry, King Fishguy! My brother and the princess will take care of him!" Mario explained. "Oh, and Toad's out there too, but nobody cares about him."
Holly heard Mario's voice from far away where she was standing. "Huh?" she turned around and saw her so-called frog prince speaking with her father. She walked up and shanghaied Mario. "Daddy, this is the frog prince I told you about! Prepare the royal wedding!"
King Fishguy was confused by his daughter's proclamation. "What are you talking about, Holly? That's just one of the Mario Bros."
"No, daddy, he's my frog prince! And I'm going to invite everybody in Mertropolis to watch my marriage to him!"
"What?" King Fishguy was shocked. "You cannot do that, Holly! Especially not when we're under attack!"
"But Daddy-" Holly whined.
"I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules, and I expect those rules to be obeyed! And my rules say that interspecies relationships in my kingdom is strictly forbidden! Holly, you know that! Everyone knows that! Besides, you don't even know him."
"Know him? I don't have to know him, daddy. The fortune teller predicted him for me. Besides, I saved him from drowning! And I had to. Otherwise, he would've died!"
"Well, hasn't it occurred to you that you should ask him what he thinks about this! Besides, what will the children would look like? For all I know, they could turn out to be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each foot!"
"Daddy, I love him!" Holly gasped. By this time, the discussion had caught the ears of several other Mertropolians, and they had come to see what was going on.
King Fishguy gasped back. "Noo! Have you lost your senses completely!? He's a human! You're a mermaid!"
"I don't care! And he's a frog, daddy."
"So help me, Holly, I am going to get through to you, and if this is the only way, so be it!" King Fishguy fumed.
"King Fishguy, are you sure she's your daughter?" Mario asked. "You seem a lot more intelligent than her."
Meanwhile, over in the Doomsub, Iggy and Lemmy could see three characters who were not Mario swimming up towards them.
"Look, King Dad! Here come the Princess and that green guy who hangs out with Mario! Oh, and the little shrimpy guy you don't care about." Iggy then started tapping his feet together and pointed at his brother. "Ha ha, I said that whole thing before you could finish it, Lemmy! Ha ha!" Needless to say, Lemmy looked dejected.
"They're coming to attack me without Mario leading them? Those lunkheads sure are stupid!" Bowser declared. "I'll easily capture them with my Nasty Nets!"
"Too much information, papa." Bowser Jr. was grossed out.
"I said 'Nasty Nets', not 'Nasty Nuts', Princie!" Bowser turned to the other two Koopalings in the sub. "Hip, Hop! Deploy the nuts- uh, nets immediately!"
So the Koopa Twins fired the Nasty Nuts- er, Nasty Nets, and they easily caught Mario's companions. 'Cause, you know, they're not as awesome as Mario himself is. He's the star, after all, and they're just his supporting cast. Just as he was nabbed himself, Luigi suddenly asked himself, "Wait a minute... didn't Mario say I would inherit his fortune if he had died back there?"
Iggy and Lemmy danced victoriously. "We caught 'em! We caught 'em!"
Bowser watched as the prisoner-bearing Nasty Nets were attached to one of the horns on the front of his sub. "Hmm. So for once, us villains have actually hit our targets! The ironing is delicious."
"Um, it's 'irony', King Dad." Iggy corrected.
"Yeah," agreed Lemmy, "and I don't see how exactly this can be described as ironic."
"Besides, isn't Mario still out there?" Bowser Jr. pointed out. "After all, he's your greatest enemy, papa."
"You're probably right, Princie. I'd better check to see where he is, and then do something so rotten, he'll have to come out so I can capture him! Lemmie see, since he took care of the Boomerang Bros. I sent down to Mertropolis earlier, he's probably still down there! Let's see if I'm right." Bowser took out his periscope again and looked at Mertropolis. Soon, he had his sights on Holly, still with Mario in her arms, arguing with her father. "Aha! There he is... apparently being taken captive by some kind of fish-person with legs, apparently."
"Ewww! That sounds kinda gross, papa!" Bowser Jr. was even more disgusted.
"I wonder why exactly he's letting that happen to him? I'd better ask him first." Bowser picked up his microphone again and spoke up for his nemesis to hear. "Yo, Mario! I was wondering why you didn't come out to stop me just now! Tell me, tell me, why exactly are you being held by that grotesque reverse-mermaid creature-type thing? She's gotta be one of the weirdest-looking creatures in this universe, and coming from me, that's saying something!"
Holy crap! Mario said in his mind when he heard Bowser speaking. That bastard Bowser's taken my friends hostage! I knew they'd get captured without my supervision. Scared or not, I must rescue the Princess again! And my brother! Toad I don't care about, but I gotta do something to save them!
"Oh, who's that guy up there, Froggy?" Holly asked her husband-to-be. "Is he a friend of yours? I'll invite him to the wedding too!"
"DAMMIT, LADY!" Mario screamed, jumping out of her arms. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCREAM IT BEFORE YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?! I'M NOT A FROG!" And with that, he tore off his Frog Suit and held it in front of him. "SEE?! IT'S JUST A SUIT! A COSTUME! A PIECE OF CLOTHING MEANT FOR MASQUERADING! NOW ARE YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE?!" His face turned red during that last sentence, and he threw the Frog Suit right on the floor.
Holly ran up to the discarded Frog Suit and took it in her arms. "Froggy! Are you OK? Now it feels like you've had every bone in your body broken! I'll see if my pediatrician can cure you, and then we'll get married!" And with that, she ran off with the Frog Suit in her arms.
Mario turned to face Bowser's Doomsub and shrugged.
Bowser shrugged too, then continued with his announcement. "Well then, now that we've got that little bit of weirdness out of the way... All right, Mertropolis! I've tried to be nice to you people, but my patience has already reached its end! So instead of letting the twenty-minute countdown I gave you earlier run out, I'm going to go ahead and destroy your city anyway! Any questions?"
"Yes, actually," one particular Mertropolian raised his hand. "How come we never see Beetle Bailey without a hat?"
"Ugh," the Koopa King sighed, "because the cartoonist never thought about that, OK? Now then! You have five seconds to surrender. Five... four... three... four... five... two... three... four... five..." The citizens of Metropolis looked at each other and shrugged as Bowser continued with his strange counting. "...three... four... three... two... five... two-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo... one! Blast off!"
And with that, he sent out a Bob-Omb that exploded upon hitting the roof of the Mertropolis airdome. Water came pouring into the city, but the Mertropolians, instead of trying to declare which one of them would get to take a sip of it first, ran around screaming in terror and flailing their arms about. Yes, you read that right. Despite the fact that they were clearly fish, animals that breathe water and cannot survive without it, the citizens of Mertropolis were fleeing like scared little bitches from the very substance they needed in order to stay alive. Even King Fishguy was acting like an idiot now. I could not understand this scene at all.
And neither could Mario. "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" he shouted at them as they ran about. "You're fish! This is water! It's your freakin' element! It's the very thing you can't live without! You can't possibly be scared of it!" But the Mertropolians just kept running around in circles, and finally Mario decided, "Ah, screw this! I'm gettin' outta here. To hell with this episode!"
So he went through the pipe leading out of Mertropolis and swam up to the Doomsub, where he found his dear friends (and Toad) hanging onto the driver-side horn. He took one of his badges from Paper Mario out of his pocket and used it to cut the net apart.
Peach glomped her hero. "I knew you'd come save us, Mario!"
"Well," said Mario, "I knew you guys would get in trouble without me. You three are nothing without me. Nothing!"
"What happened to yer fear of water?" Toad asked. "And where's yer Frog Suit?"
"I never had any aquaphobia, Toadie; it was just an excuse to drag this episode out. As for my Frog Suit, I'd say that crazy mermaid princess is going to marry it instead. Now let's get out of here before King Koopa sees us!"
"But Mario, shouldn't we save Mertropolis?" Peach asked.
"Why bother?" Mario began to swim back to the shore. "Bowser's not actually harming the people."
"Y'know, he's right," verified Luigi. "I don't see how one can possibly harm a city populated with fish by flooding it with water." And he swam off after his brother.
"Dat's good enough for me!" Toad swam off too.
Peach shrugged. "Ah, what the hell. We won't be seeing these guys again anyway!" And she followed her male companions.
In the Doomsub, Bowser watched his adversaries swim away. "Hey! Where are you guys goin'?" he called out, to no avail. "I'm taking over a kingdom and forcing its citizens into submission right here! Aren't you even going to try and foil my plans? Mario, you get back here and thwart me this instant!" Not getting any response, he sighed, turned to his kids, and lamented, "I don't get it, kids. I'm actually conquering another kingdom for once, and those wrench-heads who keep preventing my plans from working aren't making any effort to stop me now! Haven't I always tried to be a good enemy to Mario? It's like they suddenly don't find this place worth saving."
"If that's what they're thinking, papa," said Bowser Jr., "then they've got the right idea."
"What the koop are you talkin' about, Princie?"
"I've been reading the Charlie Brown 'Cyclopedias lately, papa," Bowser Jr. held one up, "and according to them, fish breathe water through gills as opposed to mammals breathing air through lungs, so that water is actually for a benefit for those fish-people down there."
"Great Scott, you're right!" Bowser gasped in shock as he looked at what was written in the book. "If the Charlie Brown 'Cyclopedia says it, it must be true! You were totally correct the whole time, Princie - this plan did stink."
"Natch," replied Bowser Jr. "Don't they all?"
"Come." Bowser began to steer the Doomsub back in the direction from whence they came. "We must return to Castle Koopa to prepare for tomorrow."
"Why, King Dad? What are we going to do tomorrow?" Iggy asked.
"Contaminate the Mushroom Kingdom's water supply?" Lemmy inquired.
"No kids, the same thing we do every day - try to take over the Mushroom Kingdom!" Bowser answered.
"Actually, papa, contaminating the water supply would be a good step in that," Bowser Jr. pointed out.
"Nah, it'd just be too easy that way," Bowser asserted.
As the Doomsub disappeared into the distance, those strange unidentifiable singers finally made their voices heard.
The Koopalings and the King, King, King, King,
King, King, King, King,
"And somebody shut those guys up too!" Bowser yelled as the closing curtain came down.
I certainly hope you've been patient enough to wait for this. I had already finished this up before Halloween, but decided that the release date of the Nintendo Wii (which, maybe or maybe not by coincidence, is just one day after the fifth anniversary of the GameCube's release!) would be a good time for me to publish anything Mario-related. And thus, you've now seen this. So at least some good came out of me parodying this lousy episode.