Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars and I am not responsible for the sanity of the characters.
Chapter 1: Reaching Point A
It was the one thing that all fathers dreaded most.
1. Daughter needed her first bra.
2. Daughter had her first period.
3. Daughter's mother was away on a three-week delegation to some seemingly insignificant yet somehow vitally crucial planet to the New Republic. (In other words, the name of the planet is unimportant to our story.)
So Han Solo did the following:
A. He screamed bloody murder (after Daughter was out of hearing range).
B. Pleaded and begged with nearest female associates (Mara Jade told him to suck it up).
C. Screamed some more (this time incoherently).
D. Agree to take Daughter shopping (Thanks Dad!).
E. Try to blackmail help.
It just so happened that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker had the misfortune of walking in just as Han had reached point E. (It should be noted that Anakin and Threepio were with Leia. It should also be mentioned that Jacen and Chewbacca had abandoned the Corellian by this time.)
But before we review the Blackmail of Luke Skywalker and the Great Shopping Adventure (as well as the interference of the infamous Talon Karrde), perhaps it should first be revealed as to how Han Solo first arrived at point A.
Han should have known something would go wrong with Leia gone. Something always went wrong when Leia was gone. First there was that failed cooking attempt with Calrissian and then there was that time the kids had been kidnapped YET again. (But in Han's defense, had that really been his fault? coughThreepiocough).
Some days Solo thought he was at the losing end of some celestial sabacc game. Today was one such day.
It had all started innocently enough. Jacen and Jaina were on the Falcon with Chewy. They were helping the Wookiee recalibrate the navigation systems and Han had intended to go check on their progress in a few minutes.
Han Solo had been reading a message from Lando (some new moneymaking enterprise no doubt) and drinking his coffee (extra black with just a 'touch' of Corellian rum) when Jaina had burst into the kitchen.
The Corellian looked up from his coffee to study his daughter. The twelve-year old fidgeted as her father looked at her. She shuffled her feet nervously as Han gave her a concerned look.
"What's wrong Jaina?" The normally outspoken Solo looked silently at her feet as her cheeks flushed red. Now having Han's full attention, he turned his chair to fully face his clearly upset daughter.
Jaina cringed. This had to be the most embarrassing thing of her young life.
"Jaina, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." The girl looked up at Han with large brown eyes, so much like Leia's own (Mmm…Leia…Han's thought).
"You'll freak out," she finally said. Han felt a brief flash of anxiety. What had happened? Why wasn't Jacen and Chewy with her?
"No I won't. Now what happened?" Han took a sip of his coffee for strength. Jaina shuffled her feet again before finally blurting it out with typical Solo finesse.
"IhavemyperiodandIneedabra!" (Translation: I have my period and I need a bra!)
It took Han Solo a few seconds to register this string of words. It then took a few more seconds for this to register in his mind.
Han choked on his coffee.
Han coughed for air.
Han stared blankly at the twelve-year old girl.
A reddened Jaina yelled at him.
"See! I told you you'd freak out! Chewy practically jumped out of his seat when I told him!"
"Umm…" Han managed weakly. Of all the times…Why now? WHY HIM?
"Umm…" Han said dumbly (again). Jaina's face flushed a deeper shade of red. Think Han, Think! Han cringed as he realized that his daughter was probably reading his mind. Jaina Solo decided that her father needed a few minutes to collect himself. The granddaughter of Darth Vader dashed to hide in the refuge of hers and Jacen's bathroom. (The invisible forms of Anakin Skywalker and Obiwan Kenobi look on, each thanking the Force that they never had to deal with anything like this.)
Han Solo stood silently in the kitchen with his coffee in one hand. One minute passed. Two minutes. Three minutes passed until the Corellian finally set his coffee down and walked calmly into his and Leia's bedroom. The Corellian walked quickly into Leia's (immense) closet and shut the door. Finally certain that Jaina was out of hearing range, the former smuggler let loose.
Next Chapter: Points B-E