Chpt. 19: The Antilles Finale
The life of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, ever eventful and full of surprises. The narrator would like to take this moment to point out that just because they might be the famous heroic saviors of the Rebellion or even the Jedi Master of the new Jedi Order...
Men can sure be idiots.
Especially when it comes to the female gender.
Sorry guys, it's the truth. You know the saying, men are from Corellia and women are from Alderaan.
It is also at this time that the narrator would like to thank the many fan reviews to this story. She wasn't sure if this story of heroic "tragedy" would be well recieved. Now she, the narrator (coughauthorcough) is quite pleased with the fact that she may have well started a cult.
If there is any kind of hidden moral in this story, it is thus:
What goes around comes around.
As Wedge Antilles is unfortunately about to find out.
"I can't believe we haven't been caught yet. You using the Force Kid?" Han asked. While no verbal confirmation came from the Jedi Master at his side, a sly grin briefly rose on his face.
"Well, let's just hope our luck keeps up," the Corellian continued.
For the love of...what are you two doing?
"What's it look like we're doing?" Han asked.
Something really really stupid?
"What makes you think we'd do something like that?" he asked.
The two of you are standing in the corner of the X-Wing landing bay holding two large, suspicious looking bundles of who knows what.
"Shut up and narrate!" Han yelled.
Sure sure...hey wait. Han, why is it that you're the only one who ever talks to me (with the exception of Biggs)? Luke always seems to ignore me.
"Shhh..." Luke whispered. "This requires delicate precision. We need silence to work."
"Really," Luke said.
Uh huh. Well don't look behind you now, but you've got company.
"What?" Han and Luke swiveled around to see non other than Corrin Horn staring at them curiously.
"What are you two up to?" Corrin asked.
"Uh...nothing," Han lied.
Han, Corrin's force sensitive. Somehow I don't think lying's going to work.
"Solo..." Corrin warned.
"Okay, fine. We're going to sabotage Wedge's X-Wing," Han answered. Corrin stared at him before looking at Luke. Luke nodded.
"Geez, you two are serious," Corrin said.
"When's Wedge supposed to be back?" Luke asked. Corrin eyed the heavy bundles in their arms as a large smirk rose across his lips.
"In about fifteen minutes," he replied. "But Wes is with him. I can have him stall Wedge if you need me to."
"Wes is good at that sort of thing," Luke agreed.
"Just get going," Corrin said. "I want to see what you're going to do."
Wes crossed his arms thoughtfully as he thought about the strange message from Corrin.
"Stall the fearless leader. At all costs."
The pilot rubbed his hands together in anticipation. Apparently some form of mischief was afoot. Wes was more than ready to contribute to the cause.
"You ready to go Wes?" Wedge asked as he returned to the cafe table.
"Sure sure," Wes answered as he drained his coffee. "I'll drive us back."
"Corrin would you shut the hell up?" Han yelled. "We're trying to work here!"
"Sorry, it's just that...this is ingenious! However, I have one thing to add."
"And what's that Horn?" Han asked crossly. Corrin grinned as he ran back to his X-Wing and rummaged in the back. They saw him scribble something on a large scratch piece of paper before racing back to them. The pilot shoved the note in front of him as he beamed proudly. Luke and Han read it carefully before matching grins rose on each of their faces.
"That's...that's good," Luke said.
"I especially like the name," Han added. "It's very creative."
"That's what I thought," Corrin said.
"How long till Wedge gets here?" Luke asked. Corrin rummaged in his pocket until he pulled out a comlink.
"Let me check."
"WES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Wedge gribbed the sides of his seat for dear life as Wes made a sharp right turn.
"YOU MISSED OUR TURN!" Wedge continued to yell.
"Huh? Whaaaa? What'd you say?" Wes asked innocently.
"THE TURN! YOU MISSED OUR TURN!"
"Whaaat? This turn?" Wes put the transport into a nose dive as he barely missed colliding with another vehicle. Then he made another sharp turn to the right.
"WES! ARE YOU DRUNK?"
"Huh? Wha?" Wes asked again. "Oh...whoops..." Wes made a show of loosing control of their transport.
"WES! YOU ARE SO DEAD!"
Wes smirked as he made another nose dive. This was fun.
Ten minutes later, a very irate and disorientated Wedge Antilles came stumbling into the landing bay. Wes had run for dear life once they had finally stopped. Wedge had no idea where he was hiding. One thing was for certain though.
Wes Janson was a dead man.
"You okay Wedge?"
Wedge turned around to glare at Corrin. The other pilot gave him a concerned look and Wedge reluctantly sighed.
"Wes tried to murder me."
A spark of amusement lit up Corrin's eyes as he looked at Wedge.
"It's not funny," Wedge muttered. "I'm going to kill him."
"You wouldn't be the first," Corrin replied. "I think there's a list."
Wedge grumbled at that as he made his way over to his precious X-Wing. He climbed the step ladder and stopped in wariness.
Someone was in his X-Wing.
"Uh...Corrin?" he asked suspiciously. Corrin turned over to him.
"Wha..." Corrin's eyes narrowed. "There's someone in there," he stated. A Jedi look briefly crossed his face.
"Yeah...hey..." Wedge rapped on the cockpit shielding. (The technical term is unknown to the narrator, so therefore not used.) "Hey!" he yelled again.
The increasingly alarmed Wedge was starting to get suspicious. He loosened the blaster at his side and he saw Corrin take out his lightsaber. The two men looked at each other before nodding. Wedge carefully opened the cockpit.
He nearly fell off the X-Wing as an explosion of women's underwear came flying out of the open cockpit. A shocked Wedge stared at the red haired mannequin sitting in his seat as a lacy pink bra landed neatly on his forehead.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he shrieked.
He whirled around to see a red faced Corrin and Wes laughing at his expense. Behind them he also saw a smirking Han and Luke come out from behind Corrin's X-Wing. Han was holding a holorecorder.
"Smile Antilles!" Han yelled. Wedge sputtered as he made a not so polite gesture to the camera.
"Hey Wedge, read the note!" Corrin yelled. Wedge whirled around to see that a piece of paper was sticking out from within the mannequin's bra. The Corellian numbly reached into the bra (to the snickers of the onlookers) and pulled out the note.
Hi, my name is Wedgina Thong! (Wedge in a Thong?)
I'm here as your personal love slave. I do parties, weddings, orgies, delegations and of course,
my personal favorite...night time entertainment!
If you're worried about what your wife will say, don't worry! Though she may find the idea of another woman initially insulting, I'm sure she'll come to accept me as your illegal concubine.
So what do you say that we drop the formalities and get to know each other? After all, space can be a cold cold cold place.
Wedge stared at the note for a long long moment before he slowly crumpled it up. His audience watched in fascinated amusement as his face first turned pink, then red, then purple, and then finally a strange bluish violet.
"Hey Wedgina!" Wes yelled. "Smile for the camera!"
"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Wedge roared. As if the situation wasn't undignified enough, Luke force lifted the female undergarments and dumped them over his head.
And thus ends our tale. The lives of our heroes returned to semi-normalcy. Well, except for Wedge, who endured months of "Hey Wedgina!"
But that's okay, he got over it.
Corrin found the door to his X-Wing conviently glued shut and Wes was spacetaped (otherwise known as ducttaped) to an infirmary bed.
As for the fate of Wedgina Thong, well...
She has survived numerous spacing attempts on behalf of a certain Wedge Antilles and briefly served as a proud member of Rogue Squadron. The Rogues elected her as their unofficial mascot (to the rage of Wedge Antilles) and even gave her a military rank and locker.
The pranksters of Rogue Squadron even stuffed all of her lingerie into the metal locker marked 'Colonel Wedgina Thong.'
She has also survived several target practices with the female members of Rogue Squadron, including one memorable time when Wedge's wife tried to use Corrin's lightsaber on her.
However, despite her injuries, she survived that day to carry on her duties of tormenting Wedge. Sadly though, our brave red haired Mara Jade look-a-like heroine met her fate at the hands of some as yet unknown evil conniving assassin. (Wedge is strongly suspected.)
Her head was decapitated and hung from the ceiling of the mess hall and her body met a tragic fate in a nearby trash compactor. Quite fittingly though, in remembrance of her bold career, a funeral service was held in the X-Wing bay and received a stirring funeral oration from a one Wes Janson.
However, unknown to Wedge Antilles, his fellow Rogues have already ordered another model of the same mannequin. We just won't tell him that.
El fine...for now.
Author's note: And so it ends. Keep an eye out for Hey Palpatine, it should be coming up in a few weeks. I just started fall semester at college, that's why I'm waiting a few weeks before I start on it. After I do Hey Palpatine, I'm planning perhaps to do the Tribble story, I'm not sure. I'd also like to write a more serious, action/adventure SW story too. But right now, I'm going to get the humor stories out of my system.
Hey Palpatine: A Mara Jade version of Hey Dad. Palpatine deals with female puberty as Vader has a run in with an unwelcome guest.
Who is Vader's unwelcome guest? Well, it's a surprise. I will say that it's a good surprise.
"I'll say," says Vader's 'guest.' "After all, it's me! In celebration of my upcoming guest appearance in Hey Palpatine...drinks! Drinks for everyone! On the house!"