I am extremely sorry, everyone. I just can't apologize enough. I hope I can be forgiven for the long wait I made everyone suffer through for this chapter. I've been working on other things and this just hasn't been on my mind lately. The next chapter probably won't come for a long time either, so feel free to scold me.
Chapter Nineteen: Home Sweet Home
Everybody fought bravely at Helm's Shack (even though the shack ended up collapsing anyway), but that wasn't the last battle to be fought. Treebeard, Merry, Pippin, and various other Ents arrived at Skittleman's tree-house. Treebeard looked at the wizard's home with rage.
"That stupid lumberjack/wizard/many colored fool used some of my friends to build that tree-house! Darn him to Mandos! This means war!"
"All because of some stupid trees?" Pippin asked.
"Yes," Treebeard said. "Now be a good little Magical Hob and do as I say, or else I'll force you to sit through an Ent Meeting."
Pippin shuddered. "No! I'll do anything! Anything but be forced to listen to a bunch of trees spend several hours greeting each other! It's just not natural! Not natural, I tell you!"
Meanwhile, Skittleman looked out the window of his tree-house and saw a very strange sight. "Hey, Grima. There's a bunch of Ents in our yard."
"You lie!" snarled Grima.
"I do not! See for yourself!"
"Hmph. You lie." But Grima looked out the window anyway, and what he saw made him soak his pants right through. "Er... do you have an extra pair of pants I can change into?"
"Nope, I sold them for some magic beans. You should have thought twice before allowing yourself to behave so cowardly."
The Ents continued to wreak havoc while Skittleman and Grima cowered in fright. "We just broke the dam!" the Ents happily announced.
"Hey, no swearing!" Skittleman yelled.
"We didn't swear!" the Ents protested.
"Yes you did!"
The Ents were confused and they all exchanged puzzled. "But we swear we never did!"
"Aha!" Skittleman shouted triumphantly. "You just said that you swear!"
"Darn you, Skittleman!" the Ents yelled angrily.
Over the next several hours, all the Super Sporks were killed, the place was flooded, and Skittleman's tree-house was completely burned down. "Oh great, I've got no house," Skittleman complained.
"You lie," Grima commented wisely.
Skittleman kicked him. "Shut your mouth! Where are we supposed to live now?"
"How come you two live together anyway?" Treebeard wanted to know. "Two men living together in a small little tree-house kind of gives people the wrong idea."
"Hey, Merry, how come we never got suspicious of Frodo and Bilbo?" Pippin asked. "Before Bilbo moved away, they used to be two men living together all alone in one Hob Hillock."
"Maybe that's why Frodo never seemed interested in girls..." Merry said.
Treebeard whacked the two Magical Hobs on the head. "End of the discussion! That is just plain wrong and you will not be discussing that subject any further, or else the rating of this stupid story will have to go up! Now shut your mouths!"
Merry and Pippin looked terrified and did not say another word.
Skittleman threw a rock at Treebeard. "Hey, you! What am I supposed to do now? I haven't got a home. I'm a hobo now!"
"We can move to the city and dance in the street for money!" Grima suggested.
Skittleman thought that idea over. "Hmm... I am quite an accomplished break-dancer... Not no. I refuse to be some mere form of cheap entertainment. There is only one solution to our problem."
"Shut up, Grima and let me get to the point! As I was saying, there is only one solution to our problem."
"What is it?"
Skittleman allowed a dramatic pause, and then spoke. "We have to camp out in a tent from now on!" He pulled a tent out of nowhere and started to set it up. "Grima, help me set up camp."
Grima clapped his hands in glee. "Oh, goody! It will be just like being in the Boy Scouts again!"
"I never knew you were a Boy Scout," Skittleman said.
"I was one for a short time, until the marshmallow roasting incident. I accidentally shoved my roasting stick, marshmallow included, up the scoutmaster's rear. They kicked me out of the Boy Scouts and I never went back."
Skittleman looked highly disturbed. "Interesting. I'm not asking any more questions."
Skittleman grabbed a sock and stuffed it into Grima's mouth. "Just shut up already!" He glared at all the Ents. "Well what are you freaks still doing on my lawn? This is private property and you're trespassing! Remove yourselves immediately or you'll be attacked by my lawn gnome!" He pointed at the lawn gnome, which sat in front of their tent and looked at everyone with a sadistic grin/sadistic snarl.
"Ha!" laughed Treebeard. "Lawn gnomes don't scare me!"
"Oh yeah?" said Skittleman. "Well he challenges you to a staring contest."
"Bring it on!" shouted Treebeard.
He crouched down and looked at the lawn gnome. The gnome leered scarily back at him. Treebeard continued to stare at him. The gnome continued to stare back. Suddenly Treebeard turned around and started running.
"AAAAGGGHHHH! It's just so scary! Get it away!"
The lawn gnome leered triumphantly. Skittleman patted it on the head. "Good boy." The lawn gnome stared creepily back at him. Skittleman hastily looked away from it and took several huge steps backward. "That thing really is scary."
"We'll leave already!" Treebeard wailed. "Just don't make me face that gnome again!"
Skittleman shrugged. "Deal."
A sock was suddenly flung at Skittleman's head. "You lie!"
"Shut up, Grima!"