Title: The Truth about May
Summary: The author has an interview with May. Bashing included. It'll never happen again.
Disclaimer: Any statements about May's past are fabricated and created in their entirety by Chibi. The only true statements' are probably the ones that have been witnessed by at least one person in the anime. I won't go into anything else, in any case.
"We open up our doors tonight to everyone who has enough sense to realize that May is the worst character ever to be aired on an anime such as Pokemon! Welcome guests, freaks, and Misty-fans alike to Chibi-Talk! And here is your host... Chibi!" The announcers voice blares loud and raucous, but it is met with cheers from the thousands of people filling the audience.
Chibi enters through the curtain in front of the camera and waves with a wide grin to all of her friends and fans before taking her seat and shoving the microphone to her mouth, "...Never did know how to use these things... Er, anyway, welcome one and all to Chibi-Talk! Unlike those really boring, idiotic, political talk shows where seventy-year old owls in specs try to convince you that democracy is the way to go, here we'll be discovering and possibly discussing the truth of more personal lies! Today's topic, May Beech of Petalburg, Hoenn. And... Roll film!"
A video starts playing on a large wide-screen television that appears out of nowhere (like Misty's mighty mallet), showing the crowd pictures and small flash-scenes of May. Chibi begins her narration.
"May Beech; the young, ten year old Pokemon Coordinator and leading actress, currently, for the childs' anime, Pokemon. But is that everything there is to know about her?"
The film cuts short.
"Let's welcome her to Chibi's Talk... May Beech!"
May enters through a sliding panel to plenty of boo's and hisses, and a few claps. She waves at the couple of pedophiles who seem to be her fans just in time for them to be attacked and forcibly removed by security. May sits in a seat next to Chibi.
"So, May, welcome to our humble, May-and-hussy-hating abode."
May, presenting herself to be a clueless bimbo, replies.
"Oh, why thank you, Chibi. I'm more than happy to be here today, especially if it's for my adoring public!"
The audience is now silent, too mortified by this statement to even throw something large and heavy at her.
"Well, unfortunately, we don't allow people who like you into my audience. However, we offer a wonderful discount price on our tickets to anyone who displays open hatred for your very poor performance and existence."
"Oh, well, that's okay too." She giggles in a ditzy-blonde sort of way, "So, shouldn't we get started?"
"Oh, yes, yes; of course. Also, be warned that that contract you signed before coming on stage declares that any injury that comes to you while on this show is your own responsibility to treat. After all, I can't be helping someone that I can't stand, now can I?"
"Of course not! ...Who can't you stand?" May replies.
"And there you have it, May-haters! An oblivious comment from the little slut herself! Bravo to you, May. You've just lost yourself two Popularity Points!" The audience claps and someone throws a tomato that hits May in her overly-large chest.
"Oh, no! I've been hit! I'm dying...!" Her whiney tone interrupts Chibi's first question, which goes unknown as she spends the next five seconds crying her eyes out. Suddenly, she stops and says, "Oh, well, it's a good thing that I'm wearing a red shirt. Hopefully no one will be able to notice..." She doesn't realize that the tomato has fallen to her black leather biker shorts.
"Er... Anyway, we've brought you here to answer some questions that the audience and some fellow haters at home have thought up. After all, we all can't stand you, and we need to show the idiotic people who might actually like you why that is..." May nods, in complete agreement with Chibi's words... Or it could just be that she doesn't understand any word that's larger than three letters, "So, here's the first one. You've become a major part of the child's anime, Pokemon. Certain people seem to like you... Can you tell us why? Or how?"
"Oh, well, even for me, that's a simple question to answer... You see, Chibi, when a young girl such as me agrees to jump on stage and strip herself almost bare for the promotion of a show, and to grab the majority-male audience, it can become a rather big hit. And that's the case here."
Chibi nods, now finally understanding, "So it had nothing to do with a ten year old girl's innocent dream to travel the world, which then became the innocent dream to become the best coordinator ever?"
"Oh, no! I really don't like Pokemon. I believe that they're ugly little monsters that should be stripped of their freedom and fur and sold on the market place for the pre-and-teen fashion of today."
"Uh... Huh..." Chibi sweatdrops, "You sound like a true Rocket member, there, May... Okay, next question; some people also seem to hate you because of the possibility that you're making moves on Ash Ketchum, who is, in truth, all ready marked by Misty. Are you really trying to run amok in her territory and steal her man?"
"Well, I've considered it... But for some reason, he doesn't seem to be reacting. I can't imagine why..."
Chibi coughs, "Maybe it's because Ash has modesty and 50 more of a brain than you, enabling him to realize that you're a nasty little bitch with no talent and nowhere to go in life, while Misty has a fully-developed brain, a dream, an occupation, and a family that only wishes the best for her?"
May laughs again, this time in a superior tone, "Why ever would he consider that over this?" She gets up from her seat and does a full 360 degree turn, shaking her hips and chest around for everyone to see. The crowd gasps in horror and aims their pelting cannons at her, but she stops at this point in time and sits back in her seat.
"Good decision, May... That audience does not look pleased... Our next question is one asked by quite a few people... You were put on the show to fill the main female character role, that being Misty Waterflower's former... Tell us, what do you think of your predecessor?"
"Oh, well, she was an excellent character for the first few episodes... But I daresay that the director and script-writers had all ready agreed on her replacement by the time Ash got his eighth Kanto badge. That's where I came in. They thought that I was the perfect girl for the part because I've got what Misty only wishes that she could have... A chest, an ass, and an IQ of -30!"
The crowd disregards the first two comments but lets out one unanimous bark of laughter at May's last.
"Somehow, I think that most of the world disagrees with you on that last one, May." Chibi says.
"Like their opinions matter! It's not like I was placed on the show to actually make people watch! I mean, who'd really be interested in an idiotic anime such as Pokemon, where little violet and yellow creatures run around shocking each other and blasting fire in their trainer's faces?"
The audience boo's again and gets ready to drop a couple of piano's on May's head. (The piano's, again, appear out of nowhere.)
"Er, let's move on to the next question before they follow through with their threats. I want to at least get half of the interview done before they kill you, May. So, there's a rumor going around that you've filled out quite a few bikini's. Tell us, however did you learn to master that sense of style?"
"Oh, well, after spending my entire childhood selling my body on the street for prostitution, it was quite easy to afford the plastic surgery I needed to look like a ten year old Pamela Anderson. All I had to do then was choose to wear almost anything that Misty Waterflower wouldn't."
The words, "I knew it!" echo from all corners of the benches. Misty-fans rise from their seats and jump onto the stage, running over the camera man in their haste to make it to May before she can realize what's going on. The security decides to stand back and watch, having just been hit on by a couple of people who thought they looked more attractive than the Poke-Slut sitting next to the host.
"And there you have it, friends and fans! It looks like the truth about the Petalburg preteen has finally been discovered and unleashed via mighty media wave to the public! What would you do if you could be here in this studio today?" The close-up of Chibi switches to a view of May being trashed totally by an overbearing crowd of haters, "Oh, ouch! I daresay that the director, producer, and script-writers of the Pokemon anime will want to rethink their decision once my audience gets finished with May Beech... Perhaps it's time to reintroduce the better of the two female lead characters to the viewers of the Japanese anime? Our next set of questions will be answered right after this commercial break... If May happens to live that long...!"
Notes: And... Cut! Yay, I've finished my third fic that had barely any romance in it! I'm getting better at holding back that sappy urge. In any case, to any May-lovers, the summary warned you not to read this and if you did anyway, I do not deserve to be flamed because of your obliviousness. As stated in the summary, I don't plan to write something like this again. There were just a few things about May that I needed to get off of my chest. Now that they're gone, you won't have to worry or expect another bashing fic by me again.
To May-haters or Misty-lovers, I hope that you enjoyed this, as it's the only one I'm ever going to do. I'll go back to my fine days of writing Pro-Pokeshipping fics where May acts like a respectable young girl now, no matter how little I truly think of her...
Erm, anyway, should I continue with a second chapter? If I do, I need you to post your own questions in your review and I'll make up some idiotic answer for them. Please make them clear and slightly simple because I haven't been feeling well recently.
Ja ne! Sayonara!