Author: Stephanie aka Gildedmuse
Pairing: Ford/Arthur
Rating: PG-13, for sexual content
Warning: Un-beta, slashy.

Bits & Pieces

Here is what the Guide has to say about parties on Alpha Zeta Alpha Nine:

If you ever get the chance to attend a party on the planet of Alpha Zeta Alpha Nine it is very important to bring along a friend you find to be at least half way attractive. This way when the Aisor Bma, a specialty drink made on the seventh moon of Alpha Zeta Alpha Nine and often noted as being one of the galaxies most potent aphrodisiacs that does not (usually) result in the drinker's death, starts to work its way through your system you'll have someone with whom you wouldn't mind working it back out of your system with easily on hand.

Seeing as the inhabitants of Alpha Zeta Alpha Nine are composed mainly of something similar to freshly squeezed citrus juice and tentacles, it's very difficult to find a bed suitable for any sort of activity the Aisor Bma might put one up to, especially if one is humanoid or prefers said activities lying down. Regardless, one should keep in mind that the best place to get better acquainted is NOT in the captain's quarters of a ship you just broke into, no matter how much closer it is then the nearest hotel, as this will definitely cause some fuss later. Especially if the captain is a nine foot, seven hundred pound Saponian whose wife recently left him for a younger, fatter version of himself.

It might also be helpful to know exactly where one's towel is, particularly if one plans on tying one's partner to the bedpost. The best way to do this is while kissing him, so that any protest he could possibly make will be muffled and you can claim immunity later when asked about your bondage fetish. Before this, however, you might want to remember to take your partner's shirt off of else you are going to end up tearing something later that night.

At this point, if you're doing a decent job you should receive a sort of half breath moan/plea, which is quite possibly the most titillating sound in the known galaxy and means that whatever you just did you should repeat at least three more times. It's also suggested that if your partner is wearing pants, you might want to slip them off in order to elicited similar moans and-

"Ford?" Ford winced as his editor slapped the guide down onto the desk. His head was still spinning for the effects of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster he'd consumed earlier, and the fact that his editor had the strange habit of yelling nearly every time he spoke to Ford wasn't helping.

"What is this?" The editor demanded, taking in a deep breath through his fifty-seven nostrils. That sound alone had been known to bring some of the newer guide writer's to their knees. To Ford' credit, he managed to grin around the gagging. "This… This has nothing to so with Alpha Zeta Alpha Nine! And you're next entry!" He paused to bring up Ford's next entry, which in theory was about the seaside on Arcellisi but honestly looked more like a guide to snuggling.

"Interesting story, actually," Ford said, moving slowly towards the door and keeping his bright smile trained on his editor, who was starting to turn an interesting shade of blue. This is the Etunik equivalent to smoke rising from one's ears, if smoke rising from one's ears reseulted in acid puss exploding from their pores and melting through anything softer than titanium. "You see-"Ford slammed the office door behind him and made a quick run for the elevators, which was humming a cheerful tune as it patiently waiting for Ford to arrive.

Ford sighed, wondering what the hell had possessed him to go see his editor, anyway, as the doors to the elevator slide closed and the machine itself made an upbeat commented about the horrible yelling coming from down the hall. Of course, the trip to Guide headquarters hadn't been so much Ford's idea as it had been the fault of the galactic police who had intercepted the ship he'd been stowing away on. The court orders to bring him to the guide office hadn't helped much, either. Stupid police, he mused, rubbing the nice bruise he'd gotten on his lower lip. You think the company lawyers would at least have the decency to include a clause in the warrant about Ford being returned unharmed.


"No," Arthur said, rubbing his forehead as he let out a deep sigh. He was starting to get these strange, throbbing pains in his temple whenever Ford wasn't around and he was forced to try and communicate with strange creatures whom had absolutely no idea what he was getting at. He also got them when Ford was around and in the mood to go do something particular dangerous or stupid. The result being that he had developed somewhat of a permanent headache. "No. I was asking about tea. You do know what tea is, right?"

The giant blue bug gave Arthur a look it hoped summed up all its frustration and general disgust she felt for the raggedy looking man in front of her. "I said," She repeated for the umpth time that day, "If you wish to talk to-"

"Arthur!" The alien growled low in the back of its throat when a similarly dirty looking man tossed his arm around the annoying hitchhiker who kept asking about 'tea'. "I was wondering where you were!" The man said, nuzzling his face into the crook of the other man's neck. "I just remembered. There is this great party over on-"

Arthur shook his head. "Not another party," He whined and Ford had to stop himself from kissing Arthur in the middle of the guide lobby just to shut him up, because last time he had tried something like that Arthur had refused to speak with him except to complain. Not that it made too much of a difference, but it had still been rather annoying. "Those things are terrible. Last time I was nearly mistaken for an appetizer!"

"Easy mistake, really. Anyone could make it." Ford's eyes adopted a dangerous glint. "Besides, if I remember correctly," He cooed in a dangerously inviting voice, his right hand sliding down Arthur's side to play with the tear in his shirt. "You seemed to enjoy the last one."

Arthur tried to act offended over this, realized he was blushing too hard to achieve that, decided slighting Ford would be a better moved, and failed miserable at that when the ginger haired man flashed him a smile that made Arthur both want to smile and back away quickly in order to save his neck.

In the end he just sort of stood with the usual frown on his face that was all very Arthur-ish and only made Ford smile go up a few notch, thus causing the giant bug behind the desk to demand their immediate removal from the building.

A few minutes later, Ford was lying on top of Arthur.

"Hey, I'll have you know I work there!" Ford shouted as Guide security returned to the building, having disposed of the two men on the sidewalk.

"Friendly bunch, aren't they," Arthur commented, picking himself up. The people walking by didn't seem to notice the fact that the two men had just been forcefully thrown out of a building. Apparently, that sort of thing was common at the Guide headquarters.

"Bloody security," Ford muttered to himself, glaring at the front entrance of the building as if he half expected the two robots to return and apologize. Arthur gave the other man a good thirty seconds staring before he started to complain.

"Err… Ford?"

Ford turned around, looked at Arthur, and smiled. Arthur flinched and tried to remember that Ford was not going to attack him… Again… Probably.

"Well, no use sticking around here," Ford reasoned, tucking his hands into his pockets and heading off in a seemingly random direction, leaving Arthur to follow at will.

Arthur sighed and started to wonder if life would have been any simpler if he'd just blown up on Earth. He decided that it would, in fact, have been much easier as there was very little chance of him dealing with robots, space ships, and crazy mice in the after life.

Ford stopped, turned around, and smiled one of the few, gentle looking smiles he could manage. "You coming?"

Much like a very lost puppy Arthur nodded and hurried to catch up. "No more parties." Arthur said as the ginger haired man wrapped his arm around his shoulder. "I'm sick of ending up drunk and in the undergarments of triple breasted aliens."

"That only happened once," Ford reminded him. "And I thought it was quite cute."

"That's because you weren't the one up on stage doing a fairly bad version of 'It's Raining Men'."

"Well, I do think the King was rather fond of it, and I must admit I was impressed by your vocal range."


"Yes, Arthur."

"We're going to another one of those damn parties, aren't we?"

Ford smiled. "I want you to think of it as field research."

Arthur raised his eyebrow but said nothing. At least, he managed to remain silent for a few seconds, which is a reasonable accomplishment for an earthling considering that if they don't speak their brains start working – something that is known to be extremely dangerous to the species. "How did you last entries go?" He asked.

For a moment Arthur could have sworn he saw Ford blushed, but decided that it must have been a trick of one of the two suns setting in the distances. "You must stop me from writing those when drunk," Ford commented.

Arthur thought this over for a second. "You're always drunk."

"Yes, well…" Ford stopped quite suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk and turned to Arthur, who would have asked him what was the matter if he hadn't been cut off by a pair of lips. A nice, soft pair of lips crushing his own as a nice, familiar pair of arms wrapped around his waist and brought him up against a nice, warm body. Arthur forgot all of whatever it was they had just been talking about as his mind opted to spend more energy towards concentrating on the kiss and less towards worrying, which it would have plenty of time to catch up on later.

By the time Ford pulled away Arthur was feeling rather dizzy.

"Now, we have to hurry," Ford declared, taking Arthur's hand and pulling him along behind him.

Arthur's mind was very displeased. It had just spent half a minute in a hazy bliss and was now being forced to deal with the fact that (a) Ford wasn't kissing him anymore (b) Ford was dragging him somewhere he probably didn't want to go and (c) Ford still wasn't kissing him anymore. Mainly, his mind was wrapped up in Ford, and not in the good "Please, yes, there, ohh… more… AH! YES!" way, either.

"Ford-" Arthur began and, as was usual in these sort of situations, was promptly cut off before he could finish.

"The police around here are rather lazy, but in an hour or so everyone will be getting back from lunch and it will be hard to jump a ship with people boarding."

"I don't think we should-"

"Besides, Amacenry will be having starting their week long festival of the fertility in a few days. Wouldn't want to miss that."

Arthur sighed and resigned himself to being dragged along on whatever adventure the universe had planned out for him now. Because no matter how much he complained about the general lack of tea, England, and digital watches, it did have Ford in it. And he was rather fond of that bit.

Author's Note: Yeah, that's it. If you got this far, you should at least grant me the privilege of a review, even if just to tell me about how your eyes are bleeding and I have destroyed all your faith in humanity. Actually, that would be rather cool as far as reviews go. Imagine, me alone managing to totally annihilate someone's faith in the entire human race. Now that's power.

(PS: If you really, really liked this story read the slight more 'mature' companion 'The Latent Effects of Ais Ormba.")