Baby Got Back

The transition back into the Realm was nowhere near as dizzying or unpleasant as being sent to the Plane of the Dead. They just got on the horses, and, as they flew, the flat greyness found shape and colour, and they were in the woods once more. It was night in the Realm as well, but the huge stallions dodged around the dark treetops expertly.

"Where are we going?" cried Janapurna as they raced through the forest.

"We need to find Malison's shack," called Diana from the other horse, "but we could be anywhere!"

Janapurna nodded, slapping Hank's hand away for the seventeenth time. "We'll find him."

Eric scowled at Hank, who had jumped on the mount behind Janapurna before the others had a chance, and was taking 'holding on for dear life' just a little too seriously. But of course she'd go for a guy like Hank... wouldn't she..? Wouldn't they all..? Hank's taunts were still plaguing him, and his thoughts were beginning to spiral out of control. Gone were the real memories of Hank's general ease around the opposite sex, and in their place was a horrible fantasised future... a lonely old man in a shack and a nightmarish Polygamist wedding... the handsome blond Groom standing amongst his three brides and laughing that since he knew he could have all the women he wanted, he'd decided he would...

Eric sighed, and closed his eyes, pressing his chest against Diana's back, and his face into her thick curls. She felt him shiver, and turned to him slightly.

"You cold?"


Her lip curled, not entirely cruelly. "Welcome to my world."

He rested his head on her shoulder. "Can I have my armour back now?"

Her eyes left his as she began to scour the ground for the hut yet again. "Not until we've dismounted. If you try to dress while we're riding you'll fall off..."

She was cut off by a familiar bleating, and a loud scream.

"Oh my goodness!" Janapurna was pointing in terror at the small white shape trailing them at speed in the undergrowth. "What's that thing?"

Diana tugged at the horse's mane, pulling it around, and forcing it downwards. She grinned gladly as the little unicorn stopped and waited for her, bleating in grateful recognition.

"Don't worry, it's only our unicorn," replied Presto, removing his hat. As they passed over Uni, he leaned across, reaching down with the hat and scooping the creature up with it. "Gotcha!" He lost his balance briefly, but Eric reached behind himself, grabbing Presto's collar, and helping the Magician gracelessly pull himself and Uni up onto the horse's back. Presto righted himself without a word to his friend as Sheila ushered her own horse to the ground.

"Uni!" The unicorn was bleating frantically and licking Presto's face like an excitable puppy. "Where's Bobby?"

Uni's face wrinkled up with distaste. "Meh Melimeh..."

Hank nodded, sagely. "Still with Malison, huh?"

"Myeah! Mee muh-uh men-ah may!"

"In a cage?" Sheila's eyes widened as the unicorn nodded. "Poor Bobby! D'you know where they are?"

Uni jerked her head behind herself, causing Presto to dodge his head out of the way of her horn. "Muov moh maah-meh..."

Eric turned to her, irritated. "Whaddaya mean, 'we've gone past them'?"

Janapurna blinked, astounded. "You... understand that?"

Eric shrugged. "It's kinda like holding a conversation with a brain damaged two-year-old, but you get used to it after a while." He addressed the unicorn again, ignoring the raspberry she was blowing him. "So, are you gonna lead the way or not?"


Malison lit a fresh candle, settled down in his chair and did his very best to ignore the captive boy. The child had finally tired of the song, which had been irritating enough, without even telling Malison what the song that was supposed to Get On His Nerves actually was. The boy was now talking. Telling him everything. Every mundane event in his short little life in tedious detail, and no chronological order. And, the worst thing was, the boy appeared to be really, really enjoying it, and paid particular attention to any blood, vomit, faecal matter or bodily fluid in general that played a part in his life story. Malison was amazed that somebody so young could have possibly done so many pointless, boring and disgusting things. He tried to concentrate on his cross stitch, and tune the boy's voice out.

"...and then when I was six I jumped off a swing right as it was swinging to the top and I landed right on my nose. I'm telling ya, there was blood everywhere. I mean everywhere! In my hair, down my shirt, down my throat, so I was coughing it up, so my parents thought I had internal bleeding or somethin'. And when my sister saw it, she threw up, which you're probably thinking makes that the second time I made her sick after the time I told you about earlier when I put salt and pepper in her milk, but it was actually the third because I haven't told you about The Spaghetti Incident yet, but don't you worry, Alison, I'm gettin' round to it..."

There was a screeching, and a loud, rhythmic banging on the door. Malison leaped out of his chair just in time to see his door splinter and give way under the weight of the dark youth shoulder barging it with a large, golden shield. He snarled in fury as five more teenagers piled through into his shack, weapons raised.

"'Bout time!" cried the boy from his cage.

"So, you've come back for more, eh?" Malison backed away from the youngsters, his hands clawed, thinking fast for some spell to get rid of them again. His attention was caught briefly by a childlike growl. That blasted little unicorn was back, too. "I thought you'd have learned your lesson by..." his voice trailed off as he noticed the girl that was carrying the little beast. So soft and dark and sad and enchanting. He stood transfixed as his eyes drunk in every visible inch of her... the curve of her hip, the cherry pout of her sorrowful mouth, the gentle, comforting movements of her long fingers through the unicorn's mane... He was in love. After all that time, all those decades of loneliness, he had finally found someone! He stepped towards her.

"Ravishing creature..." he sighed, "what are you? Who are you?"

"Bleurgh," muttered the unicorn.

Janapurna just winced wordlessly as the gnarled old hermit approached her. She'd known this would happen as soon as she got back! Why had she even contemplated leaving the plane of the Dead? As if to answer her silent question, she was distracted by Diana's encouraging smile from behind the old man. It lifted her spirits instantly. The Acrobat was mouthing something to her. Janapurna blinked, watching Diana's lips carefully as she formed the words. 'Play Along. Distract Him'. Janapurna flitted her gaze between Diana and Sheila, who nodded in agreement, pointing at the hermit, then clasping her hands to her chest, mocking his expression of longing. Janapurna steeled herself momentarily, then set the unicorn down, meeting the horrible stranger's eyes, smiling invitingly.

"I'm Janapurna."

"Janapurrrrnaaaah..." Malison rolled all four syllables of her name around his mouth as though it were made of chocolate.

Hank stood by the cage, bristling with rage. She had smiled at him. She had smiled at him! He could feel the fire in his hands as he squeezed his bow. He wasn't going to stand for it! After all this Alison had done to them, he wasn't going to get Janapurna. He didn't deserve her! He was vaguely aware of the others... Diana was just about managing to hold Eric back, and Sheila was blocking Presto with difficulty. With nothing in his mind but a red jealous fury, he drew his bow, aiming it at the back of Malison's head. The Ex Wizard still moved in on Janapurna, oblivious. It was so simple, an easy shot...


Hank froze, and looked down. The kid looked up at him through the bars of the cage in confusion.

"What are you doing?"

He looked from Bobby to Malison. What was he doing? "Um..."

"I thought you made an oath, Hank."

Hank looked down. Dammit!

"Don't get me wrong," muttered Bobby, "that creep's nothing but an Orc loving, unicorn kicking, tea cursing Son Of A Bitch, and he needs a severe ass whupping. But don't kill him, Hank. Don't... don't kill him."

Hank noticed that Sheila was watching him too, with the same earnest, trusting O'Brien eyes.

"I mean," shrugged Bobby in conclusion, "who'd clear up the mess?"

Hank set his face. He didn't lower his bow, but turned and fired. The lock to the cage melted away under the heat of the direct hit of the energy bolt, and Hank swung open the top of it and lifted the boy out of it.

"We're leaving," he announced, setting Bobby onto his feet. "Right now."

Unchecked by Malison, Bobby ran into his sister's waiting arms.

"And where on Earth did you pick up language like that, young man?" scolded Sheila gently.

"Where d'ya think?" grinned Bobby, nudging his head in the direction of the furious Cavalier. "Hey, what's up with you guys? He was only gonna send me to another child labour camp, and I only need to go to another two to get my badge..."

"...get away from her, Alison..." seethed Presto quietly, flushed with anger.

Malison had taken Janapurna's hand, and was running his fingers up her arm.

"My name is Malison," he cooed, "I'm a very, very powerful Wizard..."

"Not another one," muttered Janapurna through her gritted teeth.

"No! Not another one!"

Everybody turned in surprise to see the source of the loud, indignant cry. Presto was pressed against the wall of the shack, physically shaking with rage.

"He is not a Wizard! He's just a mean, disgusting old man!" Presto gazed at Janapurna, desperately. "He's no good, Janapurna. He's not good enough for you. He's not a real Wizard, not like I am!"

"You?" Malison folded his arms and regarded the bespectacled youth with amusement. "But you're just a little boy."

"I know you are," seethed Presto with a dangerous quietness, "you said you are, but what am I?"

Malison shook his head patronisingly. "My dear boy, you seem to have got yourself confused. It is you who is the pathetic child, and not I."

"I know you are!" said Presto, much louder, "you said you are! But what am I?"

Malison turned to Janapurna and shrugged.

Presto took a step away from the wall, opening up his hat. Janapurna took her cue from the other kids to get out of the line of fire while Malison watched from centre stage, thoroughly entertained. "I know you are! You said you are! But WHAT AM I?"

Green smoke poured from the hat, filling the shack. Janapurna held her breath, pushing her face down against the floorboards. It seemed like an eternity before a strong, female hand grabbed her shoulder. She pushed herself up to all fours, gasping.

"It's OK, Janapurna." Diana smiled at her through the thinning smoke. "C'mon, let's get out of here."

Janapurna blinked. "But what about that... Malison?"

"See for yourself!" Diana indicated over to a small, animated bundle of clothes crumpled up in the space up until recently occupied by the Ex Wizard. Janapurna got to her feet and picked her way over to it, curiously. The bundle appeared to be muttering to itself in a high voice.

"My powers... all gone! Shrunk away! My precious beard! My knobbly knees... all those years I wasted making them all knarled and Wizardy..."

Janapurna reached down and pushed back the bundle's hood. She leaped back a little as the snot-encrusted, chubby face of a six year old boy gazed up at her miserably. Its eyes were welling up with tears, but still had a familiar maliciousness about them.


"No, Janapurna!" The child backed away from her. "I don't want you to see me looking like this."

Diana took her hand and began to lead her towards the caved-in door. "I think he asked for that," she grinned, "don't you? And he won't be causing any more problems for a while now. Come on."

Janapurna gratefully allowed Diana to lead her outside, to where the others were already breathing in the fresh air.

"Wait for me, Janapurna!" called the little boy as she left. "I just need time! Just a decade or so and I'll be ready for you..."


Diana gently pulled the broken door to behind Malison's growing temper tantrum. Another scream from the sky behind her caused her to spin around. The horses!

"Aw, Nuts," cried Bobby in exasperation. "Not those guys again!"

The Barbarian made to flee, but his sister caught his shoulder.

"It's OK, Bobby."

The horses weren't approaching, or threatening them. They just hung in the sky, watching and waiting. Their eyes followed Janapurna as she took a step forward, out of the group.

"You're free now," she called. "Your Master is gone. You don't need to attack people any more. And you don't need to watch over me. Go back to your own world."

The larger stallion ducked its head down to Janapurna's level. Janapurna ignored the boys' gasps of concern, and timidly patted the creature's nose. The beast gave a slight huff, then rose, high into the sky, turning to its companion. Janapurna watched them gallop away into the night, fading into the darkness as they did. She felt the hands on her arms and sighed. Here was one problem that wasn't going to fix itself so easily.

"That was so clever, Janapurna..." muttered Hank at her ear.

"...and brave..." added Eric.

"...and clever." finished Presto.

"What the..?" Bobby turned to his irritated sister in confusion as the other boys surrounded the strange girl.

"I already said clever, Presto."

"Yeah, but I felt it would be more of a compliment coming from me. After all, she's just seen the sort of power I'm capable of."

Janapurna looked around to the girls, and shook her head, sadly. "I'm so sorry."

"That was just a fluke, Janapurna!" interjected Eric. "Normally he can't magic his way out of a paper bag without... I dunno... turning the paper bag into a crocodile or somethin'. I mean, that's nothing compared to, say, beating a locked door down single-handed..."

Janapurna tried to wriggle her arms out of the three boys' grasps. "This was a mistake."

"Oh yes, smashing things up, that's very impressive..." began Hank.

"You should have just left me in the Planes of the Dead. I'm nothing but trouble."

"That is not so, Janapurna. It is those entranced by you who are the trouble."

Everybody stopped, and looked down at the speaker by Janapurna's knees. The calm, wise voice was familiar, but not the one they had been expecting.

"Oh," said Sheila, feeling a faint smile grow on her lips.

"Where... where did you come from?" asked Janapurna in amazement as the young men automatically moved aside. "Who are you?"

The wrinkled old woman smiled broadly up at the girl. "My name is Zandora. And I am from, Oh... all over the place. It is where I am going next that will probably be of interest to you."

Diana put a reassuring hand on Janapurna's shoulder, grinning. "No DM, huh?"

Zandora shook her head. "My old friend felt that were he to meet with the Unfortunate Enchantress himself, it may... complicate matters."

The Acrobat laughed, warmly. "No kidding!"

"Besides," continued the old woman, "your new companion will need assistance in finding the White Palace, and no male of any kind has set foot there for thousands of years."

"That's OK," shrugged Presto, "I can wait outside for her."

"You most certainly cannot," ordered Zandora. "None of you can."

Hank stepped forward. "We're not leaving her!"

Janapurna folded her arms, backing away from the boys decisively. "Yes you are. I've had about enough of the three of you as I can stand."


She looked away from their hurt expressions. "I... I'm sure you're all lovely boys, when you're not around me, that is, but it wouldn't work. Not with any one of you. I just don't feel that way about... about You Lot." She crouched down to Zandora's level and addressed the wizened old woman. "There will be sanctuary for me in this White Palace, won't there?"

Zandora patted Janapurna's knee. "My dear child. Not just sanctuary. The Priestesses there specialise in removing unwanted 'gifts' such as yours. Yours is a far more common affliction than you have been led to believe."

Janapurna smiled. A lovely, honest, joyful smile. "There are other girls like me? And we can be cured?"

"It may take some time, but yes. When you leave you will be able to live a normal life... If you wish to leave, that is..."

Janapurna stood, happily, beaming at the girls. "I'll be normal!"

Zandora turned to the others. "But here is where the rest of you must make your goodbyes."

"No..." chorused the older boys, mournfully.

"Yes," replied Zandora. "There is a town called Mould not far from here. I understand that the Dungeon Master has work for you there. They are having problems with a nearby Orc Mine taking their children."

Bobby shuddered. "Right."

"So what are we waiting for?" grinned Diana. "Let's make like a tree, etcetera."

Hank, Eric and Presto looked from Janapurna to one another and sighed.

"We'll miss you," Hank told the Enchantress.

Janapurna smiled to herself, shaking her head. "I think I'll miss you, too."

"You're sure you haven't..." Eric attempted.

"...changed my mind?" finished Janapurna, kindly. "No."

She was thrown a little off balance as all three boys launched themselves simultaneously at her, fondly, platonically hugging her goodbye. One by one they released her of their own accord, and turned to go.

"Don't look back, Man," she heard the Cavalier half tell the others as the little Barbarian and his unicorn joined them. "Be strong. It just wasn't meant to be."

"I can't believe it!" chirruped the child as they began to pick their way into the undergrowth, "you guys all went slushy over a girl? God! That's so Gay!"

Janapurna was left with the two girls. Diana rolled her eyes in mock despair of the boys.

"You know, the White Palace is starting to sound awfully tempting."

"I'd ask you two to come with us," smiled Janapurna, "but your men obviously need you."

"Yeah," sighed Sheila, "you see we're all on this sorta Quest together..."

"That's not what I meant", replied Janapurna.

The two adventurers looked confused. Janapurna squirmed a little in the awkward pause.

"What I mean is," she stuttered, finally, "that you two are about the smartest, bravest, loveliest girls I've ever met. And I think that your friends know it too."

Sheila opened her mouth to make a modest reply, but was taken by surprise as the Enchantress wrapped her arms around the both of them, and pulled them deeply into an embrace, kissing their cheeks.

"Thankyou for saving me," she murmured, "thankyou for coming into my life."

She released them, flushing slightly, and stepped back towards Zandora.


Diana and Sheila exchanged glances, but met Janapurna's smile. "'Bye, Janapurna."

And then the turned and followed the others into the depths of the forest. Janapurna sighed, hugging her arms to herself, watching them leave.

"What sort of girls are there at this White Palace?" She asked her guide.

"All sorts," replied Zandora, gently. "It will comfort you to know that many of the 'blessed' share your... interest."

Janapurna looked at her feet, blushing again.

"It is quite a common quirk," continued Zandora, "that people often want the things that will come the least easily to them."

There it was. Out in the open. Not a judgement, merely an observation. Relieved, Janapurna raised her eyes boldly and watched the girls disappearing into the dark trees, allowing her eyes to feast for once on the soft curves of their buttocks and smooth thighs.

"Do they have," she whispered eventually, "teeny tiny little outfits like that where we're going?"

Zandora laughed, and took her hand. "Some of them do, Young One. Some of them do."


The suns were beginning to rise by the time they left the forest. The fields before them were bathed in a pale light, and the small town of Mould was visible in the distance, only a few hours walk away. For once, Hank hung back with Eric and Presto. Each new ray of light seemed to pick out a new bruise or scratch on their faces, and consumed him with guilt.

"Hey," he muttered, running a hand readjusting his hair to cover up the small bald patch on the side of his head, "sorry I beat you guys up."

"You didn't," Eric replied, quickly, then paused and added "us two managed to do plenty of damage ourselves. To you and each other."

"OK," sighed Hank, searching for a new angle, "well it was wrong of us to fight. And it won't happen again, right?"

"Sure thing." Presto nodded. "It's bad enough with everybody else in this crazy place trying to hurt us without doing it ourselves."

"All I care about is, you guys both fight too dirty for me." Eric curled the corner of his lip in a self-mocking smile. "I mean, going for the eyes, Hank? Biting, Presto? I'm staying on your good sides from now on."

"I don't know what came over me," muttered Hank, kicking a pebble away. "It was dumb. Really dumb. How could I have I acted like such a... such a..."

He looked up, a sudden thought perturbing him terribly. Without finishing his sentence, he sped up away from the other boys, overtaking Diana with a quick pat on the shoulder and catching up with Sheila who was walking behind her brother, alone.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey." She didn't meet his eyes, but kept staring straight ahead.

"Listen, Sheila... I'm really sorry."

"Sorry?" Still she didn't look at him. "Whatever for?"

"I'm sorry I acted like such a pig around Janapurna."

She folded her arms. "What are you apologising to me for? You were under a spell. You all were."

Hank shrugged. "Well, Presto's very young, and Eric's... Eric's Eric. I shouldn't have behaved like that. Especially to you, ignoring you like that. You believe in me. At least, you did..."

She smiled a little. "I still believe in you."

He searched her eyes. "If there's any way I can make it up to you..."

Usually she'd have blushed and mumbled an excuse. But she didn't this time. She met his eyes levelly and said "Well, if there's a place that does Hot Chocolate in this town we're going to, you can get me one."

He smiled at her. "OK." She pushed her hand through the crook of his arm, holding the inside of his elbow. "OK."

Diana walked behind them, smiling as they twisted their arms around each other and began to laugh and joke. Her two best friends were getting there, slowly but surely. They deserved happiness with each other. They also deserved some privacy. She tuned out Hank and Sheila's voices and found herself listening to the quiet conversation that had sparked up behind her.

"...I mean, she was pretty and all, but... she was no Varla."

Eric groaned. "You and your Damsels In Distress. She was hot, OK? But she was nothin' on Julie Klien in that little summer dress, or... You Know."

Presto's voice dropped to a level so soft that Diana couldn't make out the words. She concentrated her hearing so hard that when Eric's voice rose up loud, close behind her, she jumped.

"OK then, catch us up in a minute. And don't pee on any crops. That's gross."

Eric appeared by her shoulder, and began to walk with her.

"He can split my lip, he can defeat an evil Wizard, he just can't control his bladder," he told her, conversationally.

"Mm-hmm." She folded her arms in irritation.

He frowned. "What's up with you?"

Diana didn't answer. A cheery thought struck Eric and he smiled, brightly.

"You're not jealous, are you?"

"No," she snapped, a little too defiantly.

"Oh, come on," he grinned, "the three of us getting all hot and bothered over some other girl, getting all naked and fighty..."

Diana tutted. "I just thought you were all really stupid."

"It's OK, Diana." He tucked a curl of her hair behind her ear before she could bat his hand away. "It's OK to feel bad when some random stranger just falls out of the woodwork and sweeps the object of your desire off their feet right in front of you. Trust me. I've been there."

She looked across at him, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. "You haven't. I've never seen you jealous over a girl before Janapurna. Besides, you're way too shallow."

"Maybe I hide it. Maybe I bury my deeper feelings inside a shallow exterior because it makes me feel safe. Or maybe I made it all up just to make me seem more sensitive." He watched her as she broke into a smile, despite herself.

"Either way," she joked, "if I swoon any more here I think I'm gonna fall over."

He reached up to the corner of her mouth. "What's this? A little smile?"

She tried to make her expression more serious, but failed. "Maybe."

"See, that's all I needed. Just a smile from a pretty girl and all is well with the world again. And you dare to call me shallow..."

And with that he grinned at her, running his hand down her warm, velvety arm to her hand, which he pulled away from gently, his eyes never leaving hers as he turned away and walked straight into a tree.


The Orc Captain turned and barked orders to his troop, who quickened their pace, and checked the co-ordinates on the paper scrap he had been given. He didn't really want to take his best guards all the way out into the forest for one measly child, especially with the Northern Shaft collapsing again, but the Ex Wizard's message had promised an unusually strong boy - and a feral one at that, with armour and weaponry. There was always the possibility that the old hermit had unwittingly captured one of the troublesome Young Ones, and the reward for their weapons, not to mention the children themselves, was growing by the week. He had hurried out with a good dozen soldiers as soon as the Northern Shaft had been secured. He stopped, holding out a hand for the others to halt. Was that it? A rundown little shack in the middle of nowhere? The door was hanging off its hinges, and coming from it was the sound of a crying child. He checked the co-ordinates again. This was indeed the place. He stepped forward, nudging open the damaged door and drawing his sword warily. The crying stopped abruptly, and a little round face looked up tearily from a bundle of clothes in the corner.

"You're late!" it squeaked.

The Orc Captain frowned. He hadn't expected the child to be so small. "Where is Malison? He has a prisoner for us."

The bundle stood up, wiping its nose with a sleeve that trailed the floor.

"I am Malison! But the prisoner escaped because you were too late."

"Dat's not Malison," muttered another Orc by the Captain's ear, "I seen 'im. 'E's all bones and beard."

"There was a spell put on me, stupid. Look!" The tiny creature waved its arms around. "I'm a Wizard! I'm wearing Wizard's things!"

The Orc Captain pondered for a brief moment, then strode forward and picked the child, slinging it over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" the child exclaimed, "I'm a bloody Wizard!"

"Dere was a Wizard with dem, wasn't there?" one of the Orcs asked his Captain.

"So they say," replied the Captain, carrying the struggling boy with ease.

"Where are you taking me?" screamed the little Wizard.

"To our Lord," replied the Captain, "he might have use for you. If not, you shan't go idle."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Have you ever been interested in a career in mining?" leered the Captain, "Only we've had some vacancies come up in our Northern Shaft..."

And so the suns rose fully in a bright and cloudless sky, and, miles away from the sound of screams ringing across the forest, Presto was certain that it was going to be another perfect day.

The End

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Index of Quotes and Refs, as promised!

Spitting Feathers (title is a phrase used round our parts to mean being hot/thirsty/angry)

Diana Jones: This is an (originally unintentional) Indie ref. Just decided Jones was a good surname for Diana one day and once I thought about the Indie connatations it had already lodged in my brain.

"Where's the Kaboom?": From Loony Tunes (Marvin the Martian on Earth's failure to explode)

Malison (I needed a new Wizard name - this came from the dictionary... means the same as malediction.)

"Looks a bit Texas Chainsaw Massacre...": I wanted to put "Blair Witch", but the period was wrong. The moral's still the same... if you're a bunch of kids lost in the woods, don't go into the creepy house!

Donner & Blitzen: Two of Santa's Reindeer.

Realm Tea: Not really a ref, but just think you should know that realm tea tastes like Chai Latte. Mmmm!

"Tasty!": A very random Emperor's New Groove ref. It's Kuzco's reaction to the potion that turns him into a Llama. Put it in because of my firmly held belief that Eric and Kuzco are, in fact, the same person.

There Was A Princess Long Ago (This song that Janapurna sings is an old playground song about Sleeping Beauty. It's very repetitive, but quite pretty.)

"If music be the food of love..." 12th Night, Shakespeare.

"Because I thought I must be going mad." Another random one. This time from Hitchhiker's guide (radio version). I think Ford says it.

Funky Town: Don't know if this was out in 1983, but I like it so I stuck it in!

Mixed Blessings

Julie Klien: Aah! A joke from my new adventures! We know little about Julie Klien, but Eric had a crush on her when he was younger (slipped her the tongue in a game of kiss chase aged 10, for which she beat him quite soundly).

"It's Flash Gordon..." my friend Laurel came up with this joke to insult someone at work. But Hank really does look like Flash Gordon.

Lightsabre Fight: I'd just seen Ep. III. Nuff said. Like the reasoning re Han Solo.

Hold Your Horses

Weathergirls quote: a, because that line was perfect. b, because I always had that Colin Firth/Hugh Grant fight from Bridget Jones in mind while writing the fight.

"a woman's bottom": One Blackadder II quote, with a doff of m'cap to Sealgirl!

"Up Yours, Legolas!" Hank also gets compared to that other great flaxen haired, bow totin', tights wearin' Pretty Boy quite often!

Baby Got Back (Because I like big butts, and I cannot lie...)

Understanding Uni: More of a Mickey take of all those "What's that? Little Timmy's down the well?" Flipper/Lassie/Skippy programmes than D&D... still, I really hate animal companions that everyone can understand!

Bobby's Life Story: A Goonies Ref.

"Who'd clear up the mess?": one of my favourite Red Dwarf lines.

"That's so Gay!": I love the logic of young boys! This was a common insult thrown at many of my friends for their early interests in the opposite sex.