Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

Author's notes: Set during volume 7 and 8, probably AU. Edited by VampKitty and dedicated to Scurifer, because the debates we held in a board inspired me. First person POV. This is the response for 30 kisses theme # 28: "if only I could make you mine."


Solitude

I never dreamed of a happily ever after. Who I was, what I am has no room for worlds painted in any colour but red. Violence has always been around me –screams instead of laughter, death replacing life.

I lost the one I loved in war recently. Our kiss will forever haunt me. Warm lips over cold, the taste of blood inside my mouth, the desperation of the moment.

The initial loss was short lived for we rose together, merged inside one body. It was all perfect, some say having no privacy is awful, that the presence would drive you insane. Those people don't know what they are talking about, feeling the entwining of souls was not just any stupid mind link, it was personal, it touched places never thought possible. We knew each other, our lives, our pain and joys, we were one - complete. What one could not achieve, the other did, and so on.

We were happy, we were powerful and we crushed that bitch's skull until there was nothing left. Just as the loss was short lived, our intimacy was meant to be brief as well. There was a pain that shot through our shared system, both spirits were leaving the body, our mixed blood was fighting for dominance. I stayed in silence as my love spoke:

"I will finally protect the one I love. That is all I wanted since I was young. If you vanish instead of me, I would fail and despair. Please, take care of everything and don't give up. Promise me that."

"I swear I won't," I replied.

My eyes flickered as the spirit disappeared, transcending out of this world. I was at a loss, angry and empty inside. I stood far from the guys, staring at nothingness. It felt so surreal. I was convinced of living a nightmare until my gaze lowered down to that body laying lifeless on the ground. It had happened; it was real and I recalled the parting words.

I attempted to overcome the pain and turned to grin at the guys. I had to be strong for everyone, for the one who sacrificed for me to live and those who counted on my skills. I said goodbye as they saluted and proposed myself to fly.

I have no idea how or why I was able to turn my shadows into a wing but I don't care. I arrived in time to shield the boss and showed off to Anderson. I couldn't help but smile, it is ironic how I act so insolent in the possible face of death.

Right after the Catholics' mood cooled, Sir Hellsing gave me an explanation about what happened. Something poetic related to the coins of soul and silver of the will. I think I know what was wrong, the willing blood was not alive, it was taken from a dead man. The process has backfired and became a "there must be only one" contest. It didn't pass too much until Alucard crashed the private party.

So here I stand now, in what is left of London (which is not much but there are many around alive to enjoy it), right behind my boss, and kinda intimidated by the show the mad Paladin and Alucard are giving. I want to speak, to warn Sir Hellsing this is really stupid. Why the fuck we are watching these two idiots beating the shite of each other? The enemy is right over us, makes me feel sick for wasting time while others are dying. But I cannot. Each time I try to open my mouth, reaching for her, Alucard turns to glance at me. There's a careful warning message his look carries. I shut up and cower the best I can – mouth open, eyes wide, sweating like mad. That pleases the bastard and he focuses again on Anderson, taunting him behind his men.

He knows and I am terrified of what he will do with me. I was afraid since he arrived, crashing the London Bridge with that Ghost Ship. I could not help but tremble at the sight of his full power. When he approached, I stuttered, pretending the best I could manage but it was not enough. He looked at me, his red eyes saw through my soul and extended his hand, I braced myself for violence but his touch was gentle.

"Seras, Seras Victoria," Alucard addressed me aloud, patting my head. I smiled, relieved that my act had been convincing but he sent me another message, private, inside my mind. There is no problem, he pointed out, laughing, scaring me to death. The Paladin interrupted us, I thank his god for that because I don't know what the git was plotting to do with me.

I told Anderson I fear nothing now. I was lying, really that is part of this act.

Death doesn't scare me. My family, former team-mates and love are waiting for me on the other side but Alucard could do something to steal that away from me after the war is over. I fear solitude most of all, the bittersweet taste of utter intimacy left me haunted for life. I only want to be by my love's side.

I close my eyes, surpassing the strong emotions that are overwhelming me. This is the time for kicking ass, I try to remind myself, not for angst. I owe her that much.

"Seras, are you alright?" Integral questions, looking at me as she never looked before, she truly cares for Seras Victoria. The boss doesn't need to know the truth now, not when we need her lucid.

"Just thinking, Sir Hellsing. Don't worry," I assure her, forcing a nervous smile. That seems to content her and she turns her head, focusing on the two men's clash.

Yeah, I am just thinking of what could have been and what I could have said. And yearning, wishing I could have made Mignonette mine forever.