Title: "Ticket To Ride".
Author: 'A Gentleman Of Leisure'.
Summary: The Buffybot gets itself together, with a little help from some new friends! Sequel to "The Doctor Will See You Now". Number 2 in the proposed series "The Long Way Round".
Story Type: Crossover - Buffyverse / Doctor Who 4 / H2G2.
Rating overall: PG?
Spoilers: Starts in "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" S6x2.
Distribution/Archiving: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: No one here belongs to me - I've just borrowed them. All other Patents, Planets, Aliens, Trademarks and Copyrights acknowledged. Thanks to Joss Whedon, the BBC (twice), and the late, great Douglas Adams.
1. 'Running Repairs'.
"Where am I?"
"Welcome to my magic carpet!" said the man with the wild teeth.
The Buffybot raised its head, and looked round the large untidy room, which had at least seven sides. Pieces of equipment were scattered everywhere, and it looked as if someone had been building something terribly complicated from a very large kit of parts, apparently without any sort of help or guidance from a set of plans. A left leg stood to attention in one corner, in a second was another robot, and in the centre of all the muddle was a multi-sided control console of some sort.
The Buffybot realised that it was lying on a workbench.
"How do you feel? I think I've managed to get your arms back on properly. Are they working OK?"
The Buffybot tried to lift its right arm, but the left one rose instead.
"Oops. I seem to have got the connectors swapped. Sorry".
The man took off his hat and skimmed it across the room, where it neatly hung itself up on a hook on the far wall.
"Can't work wearing it. I keep forgetting that it casts a shadow just where I'm trying to see what I'm doing".
He lifted the flap in the Buffybot's side and dived back into its innards. The device he was holding whined briefly, there was a blue glow, and the Buffybot felt its arms disappear briefly and then return. This time they were the correct way round.
"Thank you, Doctor. I was badly damaged fighting demons. I had been looking for Willow so she could repair me, but the demons caught me and pulled both my arms and legs off. Then there was nothing until Dawn found me, but she went away again. After that, you found me. Where is Willow?"
"Demons, eh?" said the Doctor, ignoring the final question. "Sounds as if you'd been having an exciting evening! Now just close your eyes again for a moment or two, please".
2.'Mens Sana In Corpore Sano'.
The Buffybot woke refreshed, and sat up. It felt as if it had been asleep for a very long time, but now it was ready for anything. It ran a complete systems check, and was astonished to discover the whole sequence took only a couple of seconds. At least everything appeared to be there that should be. It was a little confusing.
"What have you done to me? I seem to have been given a major upgrade", it said.
"You have", said the Doctor, grinning. "How do you feel now?"
"Absolutely wonderful. As if I should be valued at six billion dollars!" it said in surprise. "It's amazing! I'm like a whole new woman!"
It stopped, and the other two saw its expression change to astonishment.
"Why did I say that? I'm a robot, an android, not a real person. I am the Buffybot; I kill vampires and demons", it said. "It's not what I was originally built for, but I was reprogrammed, and that's what I do now".
It looked round the room again. The leg that had been standing patiently in the corner was now securely back in its proper place, attached at the hip to complete a matched pair. The Bot stood up, and the Doctor pointed to a full-length mirror.
"It's very strange. I look exactly the same as I used to - very pretty, just like the real Buffy, but now I'm feeling totally different. It's as if I'm much more awake somehow".
It flicked its hair back, and looked first at the Doctor, then other robot, and then back again.
"What did you do to me, please, Doctor?" it enquired again politely.
"We've given you a brand new, and far better brain", he told her. "When I had a look inside at your workings, I couldn't understand how something so simply constructed could operate at all - there really didn't seem to be enough in there for you to actually function as a thinking machine".
"And once we'd done that", said the Doctor's robot, "we just transferred your old personality into it. It was all quite simple really, rather like you. The work of a moment". It sounded somewhat dismissive about the whole affair.
"Here I am, with this dreadful pain in all the diodes down my left side", it went on, "and I'm asked to make a new brain, and put it into something with little more intelligence than a shop dummy, or a cheerleader. I ask you!"
"Thank you very much, I think", said the Bot with a slight smile. "And what's your name?"
"Oh, don't mind him. He's Mervyn", the Doctor interrupted briskly. "He's just a little depressed, that's all. I picked him up in Outer Space ages ago. He claimed he'd had to jump out of a stolen spaceship to avoid falling into the sun. Quite extraordinary what some people will do to cadge a lift".
"The name's Marvin, actually", said the robot heavily, and sighed. "But don't mind me. Here I am, with my own brain the size of a planet, and some people can't even be bothered to get my bloody name right".
3. 'A Ticket To Ride'.
"Well, thank you both very much for your assistance, but I must get back outside to Sunnydale", the Buffybot said firmly. "There are vampires and demons to slay. You saw what they did to me - someone must be punished for that!" She looked round for the door.
"I'm afraid that's just not possible", the Doctor said apologetically. "Sorry and all that, but we weren't able to stay more than a few minutes. We didn't even intend to materialize there in the first place, and there was far too much etheric disturbance for it to be safe for us to remain. I regret to say that you're now a very long way from home".
The Buffybot looked at him silently for a moment or two, considering.
"I see", she said eventually. "Well, I know I saw the other Buffy. She must have come back from wherever she went, so they really won't be needing me there any more. Perhaps it won't matter".
"That's the ticket!" said the Doctor jovially. "You're coming along with us, now!"
The Buffybot thought about this too for a short while, all of fifty-one milliseconds. Then she nodded.
"All right", she said. "I'll come". She looked at herself in the mirror again, flicked back her hair, and smiled.
"I really am very pretty, aren't I? Do you like me like this, or do you think I ought to wear some clothes?"