A/N: This is Dedicated to Ena. I love you, and I'm sorry about all that's happened. I would change it all if I could, but we're human and we make mistakes. Some worse than others... I'm so sorry. XoXo--Hope
I don't own JTHM, Jhonen Vasquez does. This was an insparation peice. Go read "Celebrity" by Bagatelle. And while you're at it, Watercolor. All wonderful.
Sorry about spelling and grammer, don't have spell and Grammer check. I did try, though.
Johnny C. doesn't like the wind.
It's cold, harsh, and brutally honest. It's always there, but you can never see it. It's an invisible force. It has the power to kill hundreds. Take out cities,destroy homes, sweep away innocent lives. All the while you can never see it. Johnny C. doesn't like the wind because the wind shows him what he can never be. Free.
Johnny can never be free from who he is. He is a wastelock and always will be one. He can never die, never be happy, never find peace. He will live on forever, serving his task. Always as a slave. A slave to no one but his own pride. The wind taunts him. It tosses his frail skinny figure about like nothing more than a speck of dust floating in the rays of light shining through the boarded windows. The wind shows him just how easy it is to die. To die an innocent. The wind comes and goes when it pleases. The wind can be gentle and then cause a storm so drastic, tens of thousands could die in a instant.
Johnny C. doesn't like the wind because the wind just plain hates him.
Johnny C. likes to watch Mr. Samsa.
Johnny likes to watch Mr. Samsa scurry across the wodden dusty table, while Mr. Samsa goes about his day with no interference of emotions. Johnny wants to be void of emotion. Johnny is not perfect, and never will be. But he's okay with that. He's okay with not being perfect. Johnny just wants to be... He wants to be ordinary.
Johnny wants to be an asshole just like everyone else and go about his day with no regrets or blood on his hands. He wants to not have some deep metephor connected to anything that moves. He doesn't want to sit and wonder and toil in emotions. meanigless to him... but precious in their own sentement. Johnny wants to be Mr. Samsa. Johnny wants to be the wind. Johnny wants to be a painting, he wants to be frozen. He wants to be alive, but not to live. He wants to have a home, but not a house. He wants to have a heaven that's not a trash heap. He wants to have a hell without a lie.
Johnny C. wants to be anyone but Johnny C.
Johnny C. wishes he never met Devi D.
Devi D. gave him hope. Devi made him think he could get better. Devi made him feel like anything except for a slave. Devi made him feel whole. Devi made him feel like he was anything but a wastelock. Devi D. made him happy. Johnny knew it wouldn't last. So Johnny did the only thing he knew of. Johnny tried to kill her. Devi hated him for it, but he didn't know any better. Johnny C. knows nothing outside of killing. Johnny C. knows nothing outside of hurting. Johnny C. knows nothing outside of himself.
Johnny is like a puppy. He's been pulled every which way. He tries to go one way and he's pulled the other way, he's tries to go that way, and he's pulled in the other direction. Johnny C. is lost. Johnny doesn't know which way to go and he blames Devi for that. Johnny blames Devi for that because for once in his life he knew where things were going. He knew that he was completly out of luck. He knew he could never be happy, and he was okay with that. And then she came along. She came along and made him remember what it felt like to be happy. Then she slipped away.
Johnny C. can never be happy. He blames Devi D. for this, and doesn't know why.
Johnny C. hates sleep.
Johnny C. hates sleep because he hates uncertainty. He hates not knowing. He hates the feeling of being wrong because stiring deep within him he knows he's always wrong. He hates waking up knowing his whole life could've been a dream. And then wishing it was only to find out it was a reality. A reality he can never escape.
Johnny C. hates sleeping because he hates his dreams. He dreams about happier times and sadder times. He dreams about monsters under the bed, and being held in his mother's arms. He dreams about everything and sometimes about nothing. He hates his dreams because they remind him of his past and present. Sometimes even his future. They remind him of when he was happy, and when he was sad. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want emotion, he doesn't want uncertainty. he doesn't want sleep.
Johnny C. hates sleep because he hates waking up.
Johnny C. loves Squee like a younger brother.
Johnny breaks into Squee's house every so often for some Bactine. Or atleast it's what he tells Squee. Johnny doesn't tell Squee how much he cares for him because that would provide him with hope. Only to be taken away. He couldn't handle Squee being taken away.
Every time Johnny looks at Squee he sees himself from a long time ago. He's sees Jonathan Colt. Not Johnny C. Johnny wants to help Squee become everything he's not. Johnny looks into Squee's large brown eyes and sees a hurt, a bitterness that will evolve into something more... Something he would give anything to prevent. He doesn't want Squee to grow up to be like him. He wants Squee to be happy...
Something he never could be.
Squee's real name is Todd. But Johnny C. calls him 'Squee'. He likes it better that way.
Johnny C. likes to drink Cherry Ice Sucky on Tuesdays.
Johnny likes to drink Ice Sucky on Tuesdays because it reminds him of when he was young. When he was four he would walk with his mom down the street to go get a treat if he got a gold star in pre-skool that day. He went to "Over The Rainbow". It was his favorite skool because Miss Kim would give him a Cookie, and no one else, if he helped pass out the colored construction paper at Crafts time.
Miss Kim was nice to him. She always smelled of Gingerbread. But if there was one thing he remembered about Miss Kim it was the way she looked at him when his dad picked him up, the smell of whiskey on his hot breath scaring the other kids as yelled at Miss Kim for reasons he couldn't even remember. All he could remember was how badly he wished his mommy could pick him up to take him down to the 24/7 for a cherry treat.
Johnny C. likes Ice Sucky because it's red like the bright construction paper he handed out for Miss Kim on Tuesdays.
Johnny C. likes to watch the stars.
Johnny likes to count the stars to see if what they say is really true. That when some one dies they get their own star. Johnny kills exactly 25 people every Saturday and he counts to see if there are atleast twety-five more stars. He thinks that maybe one day he could be a star too. He could burn on and on, shining in the dark violet-hued sky staring down at everything from far away. So he could see the world's beauty, and not the details. But see things simply for once. That's why Johnny wants to be a Star.
Johnny can never be a star because Johnny's not able to die. Johnny wants to be a star so badly but Johnny is never able to get what he wants. Once upon a time Johnny said to himself, "If only once things could go my way...".
Johnny wishes he could be a star...
Johnny wishes alot of things.
Johnny C. doesn't wish anymore.
Johnny C. lives in a town with no name.
Johnny C. lives in a town that's too caught up in itself to notice what's happening around it.
Johnny C. can not die.
Nor can he live.
Johnny C. knows nothing else outside of the walls of the town with no name...
And some how...
Among the smell of Gingerbread, and the bright red construction paper, and the wind, and the dreams, and the stars, and all the people...
Johnny C. could never be happier.