Too Many Bloody Clichés
Summary: A hilarious comedy about all the bloodyclichés Draco and Hermione go through. Now Draco and Hermione have become aware of it, but can they escape the clichés before they endanger their lives?
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Note: The author I'm making fun of in this fanfiction is myself.
"Granger, I've called you here to the library to discuss something with you of most importance." Draco Malfoy took a deep breath and led Hermione Granger to a nearby table in the Hogwarts Library.
"Malfoy, I don't see the point in this. Harry and Ron are waiting for me in the Great Hall to look for some silly excuse to get ourselves into trouble so we can get caught and sent into detention."
"See, that's JUST the reason I've called you here."
"To discuss the bloody clichés that you and I go through with each story."
"Yes. Have you taken a look at what this author has done herself alone! It's atrocious! Cheesy pick up lines, ME falling in love with YOU, and my father always being the back stabbing bastard. I don't know about you, but I love my father. He's a little strict, but he'll buy me anything I want."
"Who's this girl?"
"Here, read this." With a smirk, Draco handed Hermione Granger copies of I Didn't Know You Cared, When You Came Running, and Turn The Other Cheek, the stories adored by many fans of a muggle community. Hermione, being the eager cliché bookworm she always was, read over the stories with quiet haste. When she finally finished she looked up to Draco with an exasperated sigh.
"Talk about cheesy!"
"That's what I've been talking about! This story, right here." Malfoy held out Turn The Other Cheek, another cliché story written by a teen author. "It's so… cliché! Imagine what Marcus Flint would really be like if he did that. And really, what ARE the odds that you'd be accepted to be a lawyer JUST at the time that I got caught?"
"I don't want to be a lawyer!"
"Exactly. And then… ughs! I turn soft! And I would NEVER buggar you!"
"And these English terms are totally off their rocker… and look at all these grammar and spelling mistakes!"
"She's got a lot of those."
"Malfoy, why am I sitting here, reading this?"
Silence. "I… I don't know. Why are we being civil to each other? – Oh, wait. This is the part in the story where I'm supposed to suddenly look you over and think how much you've changed because you straightened your hair and become punk."
"But I haven't done either!"
"RootbeerFloat can change that." Instantly Hermione became punk and straightened her hair.
"Ah! My hair!"
"Now, down to business." Draco looked Granger over and thought how bloody beautiful she was, to go along with the most cliché of stories. "Well, that wasn't as bad as I would have thought."
"Now… this is the part where I stare into your bright silver eyes right? – Wait a moment. Your eyes aren't gray! Their blue!"
"Truthfully, I think my character was made up in a desperate attempt to have gray eyes, but I wear contacts to make them blue." Draco crossed his arms.
"Well, here goes nothing." Hermione looked deeply into Malfoy's eyes. "Am I supposed to feel something?"
"Lust, most likely." He stared back. "Funny, I don't feel a thing."
"Me neither… and Malfoy, I have to ask. What's with the new hairstyle?"
"Oh, you don't like it down?"
"Everyone uses that too?"
"Frankly, it looked better up."
"You think so?" Even with all this hopeless fraternizing, he examined deeper into Granger's eyes. "This is the part where I call you Hermione for no reason and let it slip."
"Yep, Herm--- oops!" Draco slapped his forehead and looked shocked and blushed.
"It's part of the clichés."
"Oh, I see."
"In real life my cheeks only turn slightly pink against my pale skin."
"You really DO need to get out in the sunlight."
" (Cough) this is the part where you ask did you just almost call me Hermione (cough)."
"Oh, riiiiiiight. – Did you just almost call me Hermione?"
"Er… no!" Draco smirked.
"I think so… did I get that line right?"
"Perfectly. And then this is the part where I shut you up with my lips."
"Our lips lock. – We smooch – Our tongues dance around with one another's while groaning and tasting – we search each other's oral cavities – oh, heck! We kiss!"
"We have to …" In disgust, she stuck out her tongue. "KISS?"
"Yep." He nodded.
"What ever happened to the question 'would you like to go out on a date?'"
"That died in the 1990's when the word SEX became known to all and Bay Witch started."
"Oh, alright. As long as I know the answer to that." Both leaned in across table. "I'm sorry, I can't."
"What? But we've got to share the first kiss! It's tradition!"
"Malfoy, I don't like you. You've called me mudblood 5000 times--"
"5001 times and I can't help but think you're going to use me!"
"That's what you're supposed to feel."
"Yes. You're supposed to think I'm going to kiss you and then I'll leap across the table and take your virginity in the library in the restricted section."
"But… I'm not a… a… virgin!"
"Who was your first? Weasley? Potter?"
"And George Weasley."
"Both at the same time?"
"We were studying… and had a few butterbeers last year…"
"Studying? But weren't they out of the school by then?"
"Alright! So it was over at Ron's house!"
"Well, when was your first time?"
"I'm a virgin and proud of it."
Hermione's eyes went wide and she choked on a bit of spit. "YOUR STILL A VIRGIN?"
"Well… yeah. Unless you count what I did with Father…"
"Just joking. But I am a virgin."
"But… you're the sex god of Slytherin!"
"IN THESE STORIES. But – I'm saving myself in real life."
"For whom? Harry?"
"POTTER? EW!" Cheeks turning slightly pink, Draco shifted nervously around in seat as if he was hiding something.
"I thought you'd get a row out of that. – Is Pansy really the slut everyone makes her out to be?"
"Yeah, that part's still true."
"So, Granger. We still have to kiss."
"We still do?"
"I was hoping if I changed the subject enough we wouldn't have to."
"Well, get used to it." They leaned over again and tilted their heads the same way. "Granger, tilt your head to the other side."
"Why don't you?"
He growled. "Fine I will." Draco tilted his head and leaned in slowly. "I can't believe I have to kiss a mudblood."
"It's all for the reviewers." Both touched their lips together and moved each one's lips around awkwardly. Malfoy reached up and stroked Granger's cheek. Hermione pulled away. "What are you doing?"
"I'm supposed to stroke your cheek in an affectionate manor."
"It's not manor, its manner."
"Let's just get this over with, Granger." He leaned over again and stroked her slightly flustered cheek while kissing clumsily. Hermione pulled away again.
"Have you ever kissed before?"
"Of course I have!" Hermione raised one of her brown eyebrows. "Well… not very much. You try being loathed by all kinds of girls because of your pale skin. I just don't tan easy."
"Here, you kiss like this." Hermione drew Malfoy's lips to hers and moved her lips around in a 'this is how' manner. "See?"
Draco panted a little, slightly shocked. "Right. I see now."
"Why are you panting?"
"I'm supposed to be turned onto your sexiness and want to shag you."
"You don't really want to, do you? – This is all for the audience and clichés, right?"
"Er… right." Draco nodded and straightened his out tie nervously.
"Why are you wearing all black?"
"It's another cliché."
"Am I supposed to think you mysterious and genuine?"
"It was either that or my house colors."
"Damn clichés… so, now that we've kissed… now what?"
"Well, we have two roads. One, being one of us yells at the other and tries to ignore the other, or we shag."
"Those are the only two choices?"
"I choose option A, goodbye Malfoy." Hermione started to get up, but Malfoy sat her back down.
"No, no, no, no, no! We aren't done."
Gulp. "We aren't?"
"We've got to go with option B."
"But, I thought you were saving yourself for Harry!"
"I'M NOT GAY!"
"I always thought you were a poof."
"I'm not a poof."
"Could have fooled me."
"Shut up, Granger."
"Ok, just making sure."
"So, now I've got to take your 'so called' virginity."
"You sure you want to give up YOUR virginity?"
"I have to. But the reviewers don't know that I'm a virgin. They think I've slept around with every other girl and you're my next target."
"All right. – Lets just get this over with. To the restricted section?"
"That's the only place that would be cliché enough besides the Astronomy tower."
"Why aren't we going there?"
"That's where Potter and Weasley are shagging."
Both stood up and walked into restricted section.
"That was too easy, Malfoy."
"This is a STORY. The teachers don't give a shit about us."
"We should… er… get to work, then?"
"We should. – Malfoy, are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"No – Er, I mean of course!" With a nervous, awkward smirk he walked uneasily up to Granger and looked nervously to her. Draco leaned down and kissed her lips, a little less awkward this time, and stroked her cheek. Hermione backed up and, as clichés go, her back hit the wall.
"Did I do that right?"
"Yes, Mudblood. Now we have to start shagging like cute little bunnies."
"You think bunnies are cute?"
"You poof! Me too!"
"I'm NOT a bloody poof! I just happen to enjoy little animals."
"Ok." Hermione leaned up and kissed his cheek.
"Er… what was that for? That's not part of the clichés."
"It… It wasn't? Hehehe…?" Hermione smiled nervously.
"Lets just get this shag over with."
There was a long period of each staring at the other.
"Any moment now, Malfoy."
"I'm taking my time!"
"The Malfoy in the OTHER stories doesn't take HIS time."
"You're supposed to be quivering with fear of me now but want my body anyways."
"Oh." Hermione quivered and got feared look in her eyes. "Malfoy, I want you."
"Good job." Reluctantly, he leaned down and kissed Hermione, taking her hands and pressing them to the wall.
"Er… what are you doing, Malfoy?"
"It's part of the clichés. Shut up." Draco seemed to know what he was doing for once, holding her hands and lacing fingers together. Both groaned in a deep 'passion filled episode of utmost lust' – Draco pulled away. "I hate groaning. It's so… uncivilized."
"It's part of the story."
"Alright." Feeling slightly relieved, he kissed Granger and started to slip his tongue in mouth. Hermione drew away once again.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Tonguing you, what else?"
"No buts, unless its yours or mine from groping. I have to slip my tongue into your oral cavity and have our tongues dance and collide so I can groan and not realize what I'm doing."
"We have to french kiss?"
"Yes. I hate that term… bloody French."
"You hate the French? You really are a poof!"
"I'M NOT A POOF!"
"Just kiss me and get this over with." Draco leaned in and kissed Hermione, dipping his tongue in her mouth and drawing away. "Funny. I thought people were supposed to taste… amazing. – Must be because you're a mudblood." He shrugged and deep kissed her, choking her a few times.
"(Cough) Don't bloody kill me!"
"It's part of my charm."
"That doesn't mean you have to throat me."
"So, I have a long tongue!"
Hermione groaned in frustration. "So, Malfoy. Since you're a… virgin and all… do you just want a job?"
"I don't work."
"I don't mean THAT kind of job." Hermione looked down to Malfoy's pants.
"You… You're serious?" Draco looked nervous and blushed.
"Well, I've never given one before…" She blushed as well, feeling stupid.
"Well, I've never gotten one before." Draco eyed Hermione's lips and had nasty thoughts. Then he realized that it MUST have be part of the clichés because no way would he have wanted the mudblood in real life on his family jewels. Or would he have?
"So… what do we want to do now?"
"Well, most stories don't have you giving me a job."
"Are you that anxious to give me some?" Draco smirked.
"Now you're getting into the clichés quite well."
"Thank you Herm --- Granger."
"Ooh, nice slip up of words."
"It's a gift."
Hermione and Draco looked at one another and paled. Draco reached down and unclasped Hermione's robes.
"Robes have clasps? But I thought we just threw them on over our head."
"Granger, don't be a smart ass right now." He took her robes off and examined her tank top and low cut blue jeans. "Tank tops?"
"Another cliché." Hermione sighed, remembering she should have been helping Harry and Ron get into trouble, but still unclasped Draco's robes. "Black? And since when did you get all muscled up?"
"Quidditch practice." He smirked and looked edgy as Hermione reached down to his belt. "Er… Granger… not so fast!"
"Oh, you're supposed to be in charge?" She raised a precocious eyebrow.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I---"
There all at once was a huge banging noise from the left and Filch screaming 'I've got you now, Peeves! I'm going to kill you! – Well, I can't kill you but I sure as Hell can turn you in!'
"Shit." Malfoy pulled on his belt.
"Oh, what about the clichés?"
"Don't you get it, this is one!"
Filch strolled into restricted section with his cat Mrs. Norris. "Well, well. What have we got here, Mrs. Norris? A couple of teenagers out of bed and about to do the deed? What say we take them to Dumbledore and they get detention so they can start their little rendezvous?"
"Er…" Draco shifted awkwardly and blushed.
"What Malfoy said." Hermione pulled on her robes and blushed as well.
"Well come on, you two. Ooh, I hope you get detention with Snape. That would be the perfect Cliché!" Filch smiled and held up a bright lantern to worried expression on boths' Hermione's and Draco's faces.
"Since when did it become night time?" Draco asked.
"Since this became a bloody cliché." Filch replied.
Ok, so what do you all think? I got tired of reading all these bloody clichés, and decided to make a comedy about the matter. I made fun of myself too, all in good fun! Tell me what you think. Would you like a second chapter? Write some reviews, please!