Title: My What A Large Zanpaktoh You Have

Author: Jasmine Starlight

Word Count: 2,230

Universe: Bleach

Theme: pointless-peculiarity and maybe some smut, fluff

Warnings: Yaoi, shounen ai. Post Soul-Society arc. Ichigo's potty mouth. My closet perversion has been unleashed. Ebisu-sensei would be proud.

Pairings: Ishida/Ichigo, maybe a hint of Tatsuki/Chizuru? Maybe not.

Rating: TV-16 to be sure

Time Completed: 09:56 PM 5/8/05

A/N: My first Bleach ficcy. Ishida and Ichigo are so cute together. Orihime can have Sado-kun! But I still find Ishida/Orihime funny. My second attempt at yaoi. Let loose the abuse.

It had all started one morning when they had all been in school one day.

As usual, Ichigo was irritating Rukia to the point where she decked him and things were start over from there, Orihime was proudly styling a dress that Ishida had sewn for her, Tatsuki was hovering near by to protect Orihime's innocence from Chizuru.

Ishida was reading a book, and occasionally, pushing his glasses further up on his nose, an action that made Ichigo's heart twist.

But he hid it well; the only people who really knew were Rukia and Chad.

The former because she shared his room, and therefore was privy to his wet dreams the latter because Chad knew everything.

And when Ichigo said everything, he meant everything.

But what bothered Ichigo the most was the aforementioned Quincy seemed completely oblivious to the orange haired Shinigami's feelings.

It seemed that way to Ichigo.

Wasn't Ishida supposed to be the smart one?

Didn't his glasses help him have x-ray vision?

But no, he kept on sewing his fucking dresses, and reading his books, and pushing his glasses up on his nose—an action that sometimes left Ichigo hard as a rock.

But we'll get into that later.

Ichigo had to be very careful around Rukia, when said girl was around aforementioned Quincy.

What was he supposed to do?

Act like Keigo and pronounce his love for Ishida with flowers and grandiose gestures?

Ishida would impale him with an arrow.

Kami, he was acting like one of those characters in the sordid romance novels that Orihime read with bated breath.

Not that Ichigo would know anything about that.

Seriously, he didn't.


But I digress.

Rukia, noticing when Ichigo had stopped making snide comments, paused to watch her friend.

And it made her mad.

Ichigo had the courage to take on several Squad Captain level Shinigami but he was afraid of one archer.

That did not seem right.

So as usual, she was left to give Ichigo a kick in the ass so he could go in the right direction.

Except this time she would have to have more tact, perhaps she should call in Chad, he seemed like he would be good to have on hand in this sort of situation.

Nothing could ruffle Chad, that would help, Rukia briefly entertained the thought of letting Orihime in on the "soon-to-be successful plan" but then realized it would be too much work to explain such a concept to the flaky girl.

So it would be just her and Chad.

To make sure that Ichigo was fully fantasizing about Ishida, Rukia whispered in his ear.

"You filthy ningen, I hope you get eaten alive by several Hollows."

"Yosh." He replied absently.

Excellent, he was out to lunch.

Now to approach Chad, turning toward the tall boy, she put on her cutest genki face and queried, "Sado-kun could you help me with something?"

Chad tensed, "With what?" he asked cautiously.

"It's to help Kurosaki-kun!" she announced cheerfully.

Then she promptly stood up on a chair to whisper her ideas in his ear.


Ishida was aware that Ichigo was watching him.

And being the fair person he was, he was going to give Kurosaki—Ichigo rather, the time he needed to come to Ishida and demand in that loud, obnoxious voice of his, that Ishida go out with him.

But Ishida couldn't wait much longer.

He was a very efficient man after all, Ichigo on the other hand, was not efficient at all, and if he hadn't wasted so much time they could be making out by now.

But Ishida had vowed to wait Ichigo out.

And although it seemed he might be waiting into his 90's, he would still wait.

At least he didn't have to worry about being asked out by girls, he was president of the freaking handicrafts club; everyone knew he was gay.

The only one who didn't was Orihime and only because Tatsuki hadn't gotten around to explaining that to her.

But Ishida was dying of suspense and his death would end in un-fulfillment of his raging hormones, but that's for later.

That's why he was suspicious when Chad asked him to go to the gym lockers to look for a lost kitten.

But nevertheless he acquiesced and they set off.


Ichigo was also suspicious when Chad asked him to go the gym lockers to look for a lost kitten.

But like Ishida he accepted, and that's where he was now.

The locker room was deserted; Ichigo's shoes made slapping sounds as he walked across the tile floor.

"Chad!" he called, his voice bouncing off the metal lockers.

Maybe he forgot?

It was unlike Chad to forget anything.

Ichigo turned a corner and ran straight into Ishida.

The collision that occurred left Ichigo dazed and Ishida with his glasses off.

So much for Shinigami senses. Or Quincy senses for that matter.

Ishida blinked several times, was that Ichigo?

He could make out a blurry orange figure; automatically he went searching for his glasses.

At the same time Ichigo reached for his glasses, their hands met accidentally and they both recoiled at the touch and sprang back immediately, because they both felt the delicious bolt of electricity that resulted from their touch.

Ishida adjusted his glasses in time to hear a clang.

Ichigo and Ishida both looked at each other, and then simultaneously ran to the entrance of the lockers, from which the sound originated, to investigate.

What they saw made Ichigo's heart flip-flop; the gate that separated the room was closed and locked.

Ishida, although he didn't show it was having similar feelings of elation, it was perfect timing to explore Ichigo's intentions.

"It looks like we're locked in." observed Ishida.

"No shit." returned Ichigo.

"What should we do now?" mused Ishida out loud.

"Go back into the lockers and wait." said Ichigo more firmly than he felt.

"As you wish." said Ishida.

And so they retreated back from whence they came.

But they were very bored after fifteen minutes of waiting.

And fifteen minutes faded into three hours and they were still not only bored but hungry, but then Ichigo had the presence of mind to break into Keigo's locker on the off chance that he had hidden some junk food in there.


Keigo had some instant chicken ramen bowls, instant miso, instant beef ramen, instant corn miso.

He had a lot of instant packets.

Ishida, whose curiosity was piqued when the object of his affection had been hunched over and mumbling things to himself, had come to stand by Ichigo.

"How the hell are we supposed to make instant ramen without a stove?" he demanded irritatedly.

"We could use the showers." said Ishida after a moment of pause.

"How?" asked Ichigo obnoxiously, in a way Ishida privately thought was cute.

"The hot water is our only problem, so just use the hot water from the showers." said Ishida logically.

"Oh." said Ichigo dumbly.

"Don't just stand there, give me some ramen bowls, already." said Ishida forcefully.

"Sheesh, keep your pants on." replied Ichigo, but hoping to the very fiber of his orange-haired, loud mouthed being that Ishida would do the opposite.

And so Ishida was left in a tile-walled shower cubicle, waiting for the water to be warm enough, but he was not focusing on the water.

He was ogling—focusing on Ichigo instead.

A much more interesting subject.

So, really he shouldn't have been surprised when, in his distraction, his hand had slipped on the knob and had sent water spraying all over him.

Fortunately for Ichigo, their school uniform shirt was white, so he got a glimpse of the toned, pale skin that was Ishida's chest.

For once it was good to have a tan all-year round, it hid most of his hormonal flush.

Ishida on the other hand, now knew that the water was hot enough.

While he slopped over to Ichigo, with two bowls of steaming miso ramen, Ichigo was watching the exposed skin, with bated breath.

Come to think of it, his pants were pretty wet too.

And so, instead of focusing on his, now hot, ramen, he was focusing on Ishida, who was currently taking off his clothes.

Matte yo.

He was taking off his clothes?

Ichigo must have been dreaming.

"Oi! Ishida, what the fuck are you doing?" he asked irately, of course he was pretending. Secretly, an inner Ichigo was dancing in perverse glee.

"My clothes are all wet from the shower," said the archer, "here take my glasses."

Ichigo delicately took said lenses, and discreetly watched as Ishida stripped down to his boxers.

Ishida squinted at Ichigo blearily; who then put Ishida's glasses back on his face. His fingers shaking slightly, he had touched Ishida's hair!

Maybe he shouldn't get so excited about touching Ishida's hair.

Ishida began to eat, his mind was whirling a thousand miles a minute, how should he speed this along?

Maybe he should start with what he wouldn't do. Which wasn't much. Ishida didn't fancy himself into bestiality.

But Ishida didn't mind S & M.

He liked gauntlets. But back to what Ishida was thinking.

He wasn't against nudity, especially if it was for Ichigo.

But, how would that work out?

Would he just rip them?

Or trip out of them?

Or would he spill something on them?

A spill sounded promising.

He did have something to spill, in his hands, but it hot.

Very hot.

But sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.

And Ishida was willing to do this.

For Ichigo. Mostly for Ichigo, partly because Ishida was tired of finishing himself off at night.

Definitely for Ichigo.

Meanwhile, Ichigo was pondering a way for Ishida to get out of his boxers, could he just trick Ishida into shooting himself with an arrow?

Or would he have to go Shinigami and slice said clothing into tiny pieces?

Or would have to just demand that Ishida take off his boxers?

Knowing him, Ishida might defiantly ask why.

And then they would be arguing.

That was not conducive to Ichigo screwing Ishida into the ground.

That it wouldn't.

But Ichigo's attention was drawn elsewhere when Ishida, who had been waiting for his ramen to be tepid, spilled his noodles everywhere.

But not on Ichigo, Ishida had to be careful of that.

Ichigo was almost hyperventilating.

Ishida's boxers might as well have been off, because everything was showing anyway.

Ishida was wondering how to broach this subject, especially with the most times, dense carrot top Shinigami.

So he started the conversation like any normal homosexual, Quincy archer would.

"So, what's your sign, babe?"

Yes, he started with a cheesy pick-up line.

Ichigo was very confused.

"First: I am not a babe. Second: what the fuck was that? I mean you of all people should when cheesy is–--"

Ishida, who had been waiting all this time for a moment such as this, forcefully cut Ichigo off with a hard kiss.

To which Ichigo responded in kind.

And then they were going at it, on the floor, on the lockers, on the floor next to the lockers, the bench, and the bench across from the lockers.

Youthful stamina is very useful indeed.

"Dude, why do taste like ramen?" asked Ichigo, after he had bobbed up and down.

Ishida had the presence of mind to open his tightly shut eyes, "I spilt it remember?" he said hoarsely.

"Oh, yeah." He said thoughtfully, still gripping Ishida's shaft in his hands.

"Ichigo." said Ishida hoarsely.


"Keep going."


And Ichigo did.

And Ishida was very happy.

But not as happy as when, Ichigo pushed him against the wall, and entered him.

Thrust. Thrust. Thrust.

Then he was really happy.

Moaning climax happy.

Scratch that.

Moaning Ichigo's name climatically happy.

And collapsing into a post-orgasmic heap with Ichigo wasn't too bad either.


Really, Tatsuki shouldn't have been surprised.

And she shouldn't have gone with Orihime to look for Chad's lost kitten.

Especially when they had walked in on Ichigo pulling on his pants.

Scratch that, pulling on his underwear.

Orihime, of course, would have been prone to outburst like that.

And Tatsuki should have suspected something of this sort to be occurring.

So when Orihime finally broke the awkward silence that always comes after one walks in on a friend changing.

"My, what a large zanpaktoh you have!" she blurted out, slightly coloring.

Ishida, who had been in shower until that point, had heard Orihime's observation, and walked over to Ichigo.

Smirking, he said, "I know, right?" he asked as he wrapped a possessive arm around Ichigo's waist.

Tatsuki had just thrown her hands in the air after that point.


Originally I wanted Ishida to say it.

But that smug bastard wouldn't do it.