Authours Note: Based on true experience. What happened when I admitied my feelings to someone who hated them.
It's not like I should have expected anything different.
If anyone asked, you were as straight as a line, you said. You didn't want anyone to get the wrong picture, because you were hanging around with the Gay Girl.
It's not like anything was ever less then a friendship, on your part anyway.
I know it was stupid.
I'm an idiot.
It's like I expected you to confess your secret love for me and leap into my arms.
That's what happened in the dreams.
But I guess what they say is true.
In the end, dreams are just dreams.
Reality isn't so pleasant.
But I guess..I just wanted someone to know...
I've dreamed of you.
I promise, I did, every night.
No one could want me more then you,
We've been best friends forever..though there was always a line..a mental barrier, It was all in my head, yet I couldn't cross it, until then.
I mean, you even asked, when I told you I was bi, asked if I liked you.
I didn't then. Not really. I wasn't thinking about those things. Or maybe I did, I just didn't see it.
But you said, "Good. Because if you did, I don't think we could be friends anymore. It'd just be awkward.
Well. I guess you're smarter than me at times. That's how it ended up.
I guess though, maybe in reality, I knew it would, way in the depths of my mind, but I just ignored it. I set myself up for failure and these tears that're coming down now.
You always said I was such a dramaqueen. That I need to learn to get over things.
But you've never had anything like this, have you?
Little flings here and there..you've never really cared about.
So how would you know?
But then again, you are smarter then me, at times.
I just wish I hadn't tried so hard.
I remember, standing in front of your door, my heart racing, wanting to freeze.
Sweating, my palms, and under my arms.
But I just had to knock. Soft raps.
I told you, everything. How I had pictures of you on my ceiling.
How I stared up at them at night.
I guess you must think I'm a sick bitch, huh?
Or maybe you just think it's infatuation.
I use to get obsessed with things for a little while when we were kids.
So how was this any different to you?
The lump in my throat hurts.
It's just a reminder of what today was like.
Is it wrong for me to want to die right now?
Not that it make you think anything better of me.
You'd probably refuse to come to the funeral and roll your eyes. "A drama queen to the end." You'd say.
I know, because you don't care anymore do you?
As much as you said, whatever you did, saying it was fine that I was bi, that you accepted everything,
It was all a lie..you just ignored it.
It's not like I brought it up often. It's not like I said, "Oh. I saw a really cute girl in math today.." No.
Never. It just got buried under all of the other shirt we did and went through, I guess.
We could have been together.
Just like in the dreams.
You could hug me, you know.
Then we could kiss.
That's all I need.
Im not looking for sex.
I just want you to love me back.
But that's not happening now, is it?
I'm gonna die all alone, one of these days.
Alone without feeling you next to me at night.
It was awkward, just like you said it would be.
I know, because you said, "Um.." and we just stood there.
Then you slammed the door in my face.