Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: This story will deal with far more mature themes and adult issues. The majority revolving around poop and boobs (okay so maybe 'mature' isn't quite the right word). Some things in the past I may have only alluded to none too subtly. In this story, I may just flat out state them. And quite crudely most likely. This is an answer to the challenge listed below.
Potter's Place 2 Yahoogroup May Harry/Luna Challenge
Challenge One: The Hunt.
Harry's return to Privet Drive after fifth year lasts for less than a day. By nightfall, the Dursley's have enraged him to such an extent that he leaves Number Four and refuses to ever return. This puts the Order in the position of having to find an alternate hiding place for the Boy-Who-Lived... and fast.
Dumbledore, trying to suggest something so distasteful that Harry will want to return to his relatives, says that he should join Luna Lovegood and her father on their trip to Sweden in search of the Crumple-Horned Snorcack.
To the shock of everyone present... Harry happily agrees.
For my answer to the challenge, I follow the events of OotP as they read in canon up until the very end. I pick it up when…
Harry got off the Hogwarts Express. He said goodbye to his friends and walked over to where he saw Remus standing and talking to Moody and Tonks.
"Hey Moony. What're you doing here? And where's the Dursleys?"
Remus winced and put on a fake smile. "Hiya Harry! Little change of plans. We're going to be taking a portkey to Mrs. Figg's and then walk you back to Privet Drive."
"Remus, you don't have to fake smile with me. I'm going to miss him like gangbusters, but Sirius would kick my arse if thinking of him only made me sad. That, and your fake smile is creeping me out a bit. I think Moody looks happier than you, and he's snarling at me."
"Kid, if I were you I would have killed those Dursleys when I was four." Moody snarled out. "With a quart of oil, a turkey baster, and some industrial strength rubber bands."
"Yes, well, we all know better than to ever question the orders handed down from up high. All hail the mighty Lord Dumbles." The frustrated young man exclaimed.
The other three looked a bit curious at the lack of respect the Headmaster seemed to have in this young man's eyes.
Tonks suggested. "Well, he means umm …well. He was afraid of how the Dursleys might treat you with…umm you know. Now that your …umm godfather is …umm chasing cars on the big highway in the sky and all."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Wow Tonks. Those 'Courtesy in the Workplace' courses aren't helping you at all, are they?"
"Hey now! I'm trying."
"So what did the mighty Dumbles do now? Perhaps invite my good friend Ferret McPoncy Van Death Gobbler over to spend the summer with me? Or maybe he thought I would be able to mourn easier with a Bellatrix Lestrange blow-up love doll to keep me warm at night?"
Remus looked at the somewhat twisted boy in front of him. "He was only trying to help. He slipped a congeniality potion into the Dursley's drinks and explained to them about… Sirius' passing."
"A congeniality potion? So illegal control over muggles is A-Ok as long as the weapon stays sharp?" Harry bit back.
Tonks nodded. "Yes well, it appears that making the Dursleys a little nicer in turn got them acting far more courteously. To the point where they explained that worthless dog Potter would probably be best served being put down."
Harry's eyes lit up in wonder. "They're finally going to grant me the sweet blissful release of Death? The everlasting peace of eternal rest?"
Moody's fake eye widened at that. "You've got some issues, don't you, son?"
"Well that's what the good doctor says."
Remus looked a little worried. "What doctor?"
Harry brushed him off with a wave. "Nothing. It's just one of the voices in my head."
Remus looked panicked. "Are you sure it's not another trick of the Dark Lord?"
Harry smiled placatingly. "Of course not Moony. It's just Dr. Riddle. Hey…wait a second!" Harry exclaimed with a mocking smack of his forehead. "Der der der."
Harry was thinking he may have gone too far noticing the stares Tonks, Remus, and Moody were giving him. "I'm just kidding Moony. Besides, the doctor is a she. And she is a therapist."
Remus calmed. "A therapist. Oh, that's good." He paused for a second. "Wait, no it's not."
The four of them took the portkey and appeared in Mrs. Figg's living room. The batty old woman shook her head muttering about the 'poor boy' and quickly ushered them out the door.
They arrived at Number Four Privet Drive and saw Albus Dumbledore coming out to greet them.
"Harry, my boy, you're looking well."
Harry did not like the cheerfulness the meddling old man was exuberating. Harry coughed up a particularly loud and thick loogie and spit it on the ground in front of them. It was hard not to notice the glowing killing curse green color of the expectorant. "Feeling peachy too." He retorted.
Albus did not want to cause young Mr. Potter any more harm and decided open honesty was the best thing now. "Well, as you may have heard we tried giving the Dursleys a congeniality potion, and though it did work, it seems their attitude needed something a bit stronger than a normal potion. So I've had Severus develop a strengthened congeniality potion. This one seems to have done the trick quite well."
Harry was feeling a bit disgusted at the joy the Headmaster seemed to take in controlling and manipulating people.
Albus smiled. "I think you may find this to be the warm and friendly environment it always should have been."
Harry just made a harrumphed sound of agreement.
Albus smiled a bit too much and said, "Excellent! Remus, Alastor, Tonks: let's just be going now please."
They all looked a bit curious at the way the Headmaster seemed to be hurrying.
He seemed to be panicking and said "Alrighty then, bye Harry! Write every three days!" He grabbed onto Remus and Tonks while Alastor touched Albus's shoulder. He shouted the activation word on a portkey, "Minnie mouse," and Harry was left alone with his trunk to walk into Number Four Privet Drive.
Harry walked in the front door and was immediately viciously and violently hugged by his Aunt Petunia.
"Oh Harry! It is so good to see you again! We missed you!" She exclaimed and punctuated with loud smacking kisses on both cheeks.
Vernon extricated the young man before his wife got a little too friendly and was shaking his hand up and down. "Bloody great to see you, son. Bloody great."
Harry was staring at his aunt and uncle fearfully.
"Dudley! Harry's here! Get down here like a proper young gentleman, and don't forget the rose petals!"
"Coming father!" was heard bellowed from up the stairs. Harry's anxiety seemed to be building dangerously now.
Dudley came rumbling down the stairs with a glass bowl of rose petals. He reached the bottom step and looked at Harry. His breath caught in his throat and he whispered. "Oh, Harry." With a couple sniffles and tears in his eyes he rushed up to the young man and hugged him as tightly as he could. "I've been worried sick about you. My heart nearly broke when I heard about your godfather. I know it's unfair that you never got to know him as well as you would have liked, but I know he's somewhere having a gay old time with your parents, and cheering you on." Dudley was sniffling and still clenching Harry in an embrace. "He's still watching you." Dudley had tears in his eyes and a bright smile on his face. "And he's proud of you."
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"He loved you, Harry. Just like we all do. Just like I do." Dudley finished finally releasing his hold on the frightened young Potter.
"You're not gonna buttrape me, are you?" Harry asked with a worried gleam in his eye.
Dudley laughed and femininely patted Harry on the chest. "Oh you stop. You're such a kidder."
Dudley turned to his parents. "Can we show him now? Please, oh pretty please, father?"
Vernon and Petunia were smiling brightly. "Yes, let's. Petunia, music please."
Aunt Petunia ran over to the stereo and hit play. Bette Midler's 'Wind Beneath My Wings' started up. Vernon and Petunia each looped an arm through opposite sides of Harry and began to escort him upstairs. Dudley was leading the way, walking backwards and bowing, while dropping rose petals for Harry to walk on.
Harry was watching his beefy cousin stumble trying to go backwards, and dropping his head every time he met Harry's eyes. Harry was about to ask his aunt what was going on but she just shook her head at him. Vernon and Petunia were just humming to the music playing, leading Harry towards the Master bedroom. Petunia and Vernon's room. Or at least last time Harry saw it, it was his aunt and uncle's bedroom.
As the music reached a small crescendo, Dudley flung open the door to the room and all three Dursley's yelled out, "Abracadabra!"
Harry looked in the room and saw his life flash before his eyes. Literally. This room had been turned into a shrine of Harry. Or at least they tried to. They apparently had very little memorabilia of him but they spread it out enough to appear to fill the room. Hanging across the back wall was a banner that read "The Greatest Person Ever!" It hung directly over a gigantic poster-sized frame. Unfortunately the only picture they had was one they cut out from one of Dudley's grade school yearbooks. It seemed a bit empty being only about an inch and a half in size and trying to fill a 3 foot frame. The dark matting with golden trim made it appear a little larger, but not quite enough. On one of the walls was a colorful poster with a rainbow and shooting stars. It had large bubbly letters that said 'If you believe in MAGIC…" A few of his homework papers were framed and hanging on the walls. Some of them still had scorch marks on them. There was also the picture from Dudley's birthday where Harry could be seen in the background serving the other children cake. Harry smiled at the picture remembering how he knew he wouldn't be getting cake so he had licked or spit on every piece he handed out.
Vernon broke the silence and exclaimed. "We know we haven't been the best family to you, so to show you how much we love you, we made this room for you!"
Petunia added. "We're going to make this summer the greatest summer ever!"
Dudley nodded, still a bit teary-eyed. "It's all you, bro. All you."
Harry was trying to figure out if this situation was a good thing or a bad thing. "Did anyone perhaps mention anything about a congeniality err… drink?"
Vernon's eyes lit up. "Oh you mean the magical potion we got!"
Dudley smiled. "It made me feel all tingly and well, magical!" He finished giggling.
Petunia was grinning and maintaining some professionalism. "The dashing, deathly pale, greasy haired, ogre-looking man told us it was a special one. Apparently, we love you so much we needed an even stronger one."
Harry feared what Professor Snape had done. "Did he mention how much stronger?"
Vernon nodded. "Oh yes! It was fascinating hearing about magical potions. He said he took the normal dosage, and then upped it one thousand times a regular person's love power. He couldn't believe we were coherent."
Dudley added in, "I'm still not sure we are!" And he burst out in laughter at his own joke. Vernon and Petunia joined him in appreciation of his own wit.
Harry did not feel safe. "I think I need to go to the bathroom. For an hour or two."
Vernon chuckled. "You know where it's at. You make yourself at home and dig into the trenches. I put a few magazines in there for you."
Harry hurried into the bathroom and locked the door. He sat on the toilet seat and looked over. Sure enough there was a new magazine rack in there. Harry noticed it had Witch Weekly, Quidditch Quarterly, and a new copy of the Quibbler. Harry pulled out the Quibbler thinking he could use a dose of normalcy right about now. The front page article was a bit of a surprise. It was a full page personal ad for Luna Lovegood. Harry scanned it over making mental note to remember certain measurements. He looked at the lists of her positives and negatives. On the 'Pro' side at number 23 was 'Friend of Harry Potter'. This surprised Harry a bit. On the 'Con' side at number 5 was 'Friend of Harry Potter'. This did not surprise Harry in the slightest. But seeing it in print didn't exactly make him feel better.
After a little careful consideration, Harry decided he would spend as much of his summer in this bathroom as he could. He grabbed the Quidditch Quarterly and sat back to read it. He was occasionally disturbed to hear people lumber up to the bathroom door and whisper "I love you!" at him. He found himself laughing one of the times Dudley tried to sneak up and he tripped and most likely slammed his face on the doorknob from the sound of it. He scrambled to make it downstairs and get some first aid, but could be heard calling out "I ruv roo." Harry was imagining that trying to stem the flow of blood from his nose gave him a slight speech impediment.
Vernon knocked on the door and double-checked that Harry was doing okay. At about ten PM, Vernon knocked and wished Harry a good night. He added, "If you need anything, just give a holler out to me or your mother and we'll-" Vernon paused and barked out in laughter. "Excuse me, silly me. Me or your aunt and we'll come running with anything you need. Have a good one, sport. We'll wake you up, when breakfast is ready."
A still scared Harry said, "Oh … kay." And he patiently waited to hear the footsteps of Uncle Vernon walking away. It took about a half hour but he eventually heard them.
About another half hour later, now almost eleven at night, Harry quietly and carefully opened the door. He double-checked that the coast was clear and saw that the Master bedroom door was open and light was still on. It really appeared they wanted him to have that bedroom now. Harry was still a bit apprehensive, but the room did have the most comfortable bed in the house. Harry scurried into it and quickly closed the bedroom door behind him and saw a path of rose petals was still on the floor. It led up to the bed where a brand new pair of silk pajamas was laying.
Harry was not in the mood to wear those to bed, but he didn't want to sleep in his old clothes either. When Harry threw back the comforter and saw brand new satin sheets on the bed, he made his decision on what to wear. Satin just breathes better and why have anything in between your body and that cool refreshing fabric?
Harry drifted lightly off dreaming about a Luna Lovegood blow-up doll. It was barely an hour later when the doll in his dream licked in his ear that a very uncomfortable Harry woke up. He felt something like a large slab of beef jerky pressed up against his back. "Aunt Petunia?"
"Go to sleep, honey. I just want you to feel loved." She said and Harry felt the itchy jerky pressed up against him some more.
Harry was nervous and scared and feeling more than a bit emotional. Aunt Petunia ran her hand down Harry's thigh. She was mumbling apologies about not taking care of her sweet Harry. Of not teaching him the things a mother should. Of not showing him the things a loving caring relationship can provide. She began to run her hand back up Harry's thigh.
"Aunt Petunia. I don't think I'm going to be able to go back to sleep with you in here."
"Tell me, Harry. Have you been taught how to pleasure a woman?"
And that was as much as Harry could take. "Oh, hell no!"
Harry jumped right out of bed and turned on the light. He looked over right as Vernon panned the camera toward Harry. "What the hell is wrong with you people!"
"Son! We're sorry! We just wanted some memories of our other child." Vernon explained and kept taping.
Aunt Petunia sat up and the satin sheet apparently stuck to her front like velcro. "Everything we do is because we love you, Harry. We just want you comfortable. I asked Vernon when he was most comfortable, and do you know what he said?"
Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. He hurriedly began putting on his clothes and putting the few things he unpacked back in his trunk.
Vernon smiled from behind the camera. "I said I was most comfortable after a good and proper rim job!"
"That's right." Petunia assured with a nod.
Dudley walked in and said. "If there's something else we could do to make you more comfortable, just ask." Dudley began unbuttoning his shirt.
"No! No! No!" Harry began knocking on his temples. "No means no! You hear me!"
"Harry, we just want to show you how much we love you." Petunia said leaning forward, and with a slight slurping sound, the satin sheet peeled away from her, and she was on display for the world to see.
"Holy mother of mercy!" Harry exclaimed. Thank Merlin for survival instincts as his accidental magic again saved his life from imminent danger, apparating him straight into the street of Privet Drive at night. He was lucky enough to be gripping his trunk at the time too.
Harry was pacing in the road yelping out and shivering with a violent tic every once in a while. After a couple minutes he began screaming for Dumbledore at the top of his lungs. Harry wasn't sure who was on duty, but it was barely seconds later he was surrounded by the Headmaster, Kingsley, Remus, Severus, Tonks, and Moody.
"Harry! What has happened? What is going on?" A panicked old man asked.
Harry was incensed. "You made them sick! They're twisted perversions of people now!"
Albus was afraid of this. "Harry, I fear you are overreacting simply because you have never been familiar with a caring and giving family."
Harry looked at the old man incredulously. He could not find the words for rebuttal at the moment.
Albus smiled. "Things like hugs and kisses, and exclamations of affection are perfectly normal!"
"Normal? That was supposed to be normal?" Harry yelled. "My aunt was going to rape me! Out of love!"
Severus quietly muttered, "All rape is out of love." Everyone heard him though and turned to the man. Severus began doubting the accuracy of his statement. "Right?"
Harry looked at the Headmaster and stared hard. "I am not going back there. Ever again."
The Headmaster frowned. "Harry, you need the blood protection."
"It won't protect me from my drugged and psychotic relatives!"
"I am afraid I must insist … on … this…" The Headmaster trailed off as the anger rolling off Harry became palpable. A couple streetlights exploded, and you could hear a rolling chain reaction of car alarms start to go off.
Harry's face was pulsing a vubrant angry red. Spit and drool was falling from his mouth as he snarled at the old man. A voice straight from the most demonic pits of Hell erupted from the small frame of the Boy-Who-Lived who began floating a couple inches off the ground. "NO!" The surrounding Order members all stumbled back a step. Remus suggested, "Perhaps there are some other options we could offer Harry?"
Dumbledore looked pensive. "Very well. Please Harry, calm yourself." Naturally the old man giving him an order like that had the opposite effect and his breathing and snarling was bit louder.
"Here are your options, Harry," Dumbledore offered. Harry slowly settled back onto the ground and was giving the Headmaster his genuine attention now.
"One possibility is that Severus' house elf, Bozo, recently came down ill. He's going to be out of it for a couple months. If you're willing to bond yourself to Severus as his personal property, Severus could use the assistance, particularly with his colostomy bag." The Headmaster suggested.
"Another option is, I know, that Sirius' cell is still available in Azkaban. We could sneak you in there. And you would have shelter and some food. But you cannot do magic there, and there is no light, so you couldn't even read."
Harry was considering these first two options. Both had their good points and their bad points. Compared with the Dursleys, he wasn't sure if any of these sounded like very viable alternatives.
"I also have a slightly maniacal friend, who was looking for some cheap grunt labor. He's going on a hunt this summer and needs someone to be his bitch. This would include occasionally posing as the live human bait. I believe he was looking for a young male as he is hoping to find a mate for his somewhat outcast daughter."
Harry was beginning to think Albus was trying to show that there were no amicable alternatives for him. Though, he did think that last option had some potential.
"One possibility, Severus suggested was that we leave you somewhere public, perhaps near Knockturn Alley, and then allow Voldemort to capture you. He would most likely toy with you, and try to turn you to the Dark Side, but once we're closer to the school term we could mount a rescue mission, and perhaps save you while you're still mostly functional. I wanted to rule that one out right away, but Severus pointed out it would be an excellent opportunity for you to learn more about the Dark Lord, not to mention be a useful character building exercise."
Harry had already entertained that possibility on his own, and was reluctant to rule it out yet either.
"And another option, if you would prefer, I would be willing to take you on as my apprentice. You would stay with me, and study ancient and powerful magic all summer. I would be able to train you in a variety of disciplines. Though you should probably forgive me first, for that one to be possible."
Harry was thinking that getting captured by Voldie was starting to sound pretty sweet.
"The final option, and in my opinion hands down the best one, is, of course, to return to your home. And to learn what it is like to have a caring, loving family supporting you."
Harry looked at the people watching him and weighed the options in his head. "You know, Azkaban and the 'cheap labor for your maniacal friend' are probably the two most likely for me to end the summer with my virtue still intact. All the others seem to carry high probabilities of being sexually defiled."
Albus wasn't exactly pleased with the way this was going.
"Alright. Let's give your maniacal friend a try. Cheap labor and being the bait for a trap. Actually doesn't sound too different from previous summers."
Albus goggled. "Really? That's what you wish to do?"
Harry nodded. "Yup. I think I'd be sticking a shotgun in my mouth within a day if I stayed here. Give someone else a turn at controlling my life and making me hate them worse than the Dark Lord." Harry paused and thought out loud, "Course that might just be a side effect of your natural charisma."
Albus winced and sighed. "I suppose Miss Lovegood will be pleased about this."
Harry snapped his attention to the Headmaster. "You're talking about Luna? You mean I'm going on a…" Harry's voice dropped an octave and he rasped out, "Snorkack hunt?"
Harry smiled brightly. "You gotta be kidding me! This is awesome! Do you not realize what a-"
Kingsley stepped forward and grabbed Harry by the shoulder. "Harry!"
"What?" Harry asked.
Kingsley shook him a bit. "Don't you know anything?" He hissed at the boy. "The first rule about Snorkack hunting is you do not talk about Snorkack hunting."
"But they don't even get-"
"The second rule about Snorkack hunting is you do not talk about Snorkack hunting."
Harry looked a bit miffed, but knew he was a novice when it came to Snorkack hunting.
Dumbledore had disappeared, presumably off to contact his maniacal friend, who must be Luna's father, the Editor of the Quibbler.
"Hey Kingsley, you seem to know more about Snorkack hunting than these other poindexters. Is it like, a social faux pas to bring, say, a camera?"
Kingsley smiled broadly. "Of course not! That's half the point. In fact it was due to this very need that a wizard created the most amazing magical object. But no one realizes that it's magic as even muggles buy and use them. They're called 'Polaroid' cameras. No worries about the guy at the photo-mart seeing things he shouldn't. The pictures are developed magically! Right when you take them!"
Harry's eyes were wide. "Whoa! That's perfect!"
Remus walked over to the two. "Excuse me, Harry? But what exactly is Snorkack hunting?"
Harry looked at Kingsley and said, "Sorry, Remus. I can't talk about it."
It was nary a moment later that Albus Dumbledore reappeared with a particularly peculiar looking man. He had a beard that nearly rivaled the Headmaster's but the top of his head was as bald and shiny as a baby's. "Harry Potter, I would like you to meet Lionel Lovegood."
"Mr. Potter! Smashing to meet you!" Lionel said shaking Harry's hand vigorously. Lionel turned to Albus and said, "You weren't kidding when you said you had a winner for me. And barely any family to miss him! He's perfect!"
Harry realized he had been cut out of the conversation before his hand had been released or he even said 'Hi' back. "Umm please call me Harry, Mr. Lovegood."
Lionel turned his attention back. "Oh well then I insist you call me Bald, Harry."
Harry turned his attention at the other Order members who looked as unsure as Harry did. "Okay … Bald. So what is the plan now?"
"Well, now we head back to my house, and you can get a decent night's sleep, and tomorrow we head off for Scandinavia. Going to find us a crumple-horned, I can feel it in my bones."
"I'm very much looking forward to the hunt, Bald. Is Luna going to be joining us?"
"Oh yes. They both will."
Harry looked at the Headmaster who seemed to smirk at Harry. Apparently he was expecting Harry to back out of this deal. "Excuse me, Bald? Both? I wasn't aware Luna had any siblings."
"Oh no, Harry, she doesn't. I just meant that both Luna's will be coming with us." Lionel happily explained.
Harry noticed the smirking Headmaster and just nodded and smiled. "Well that makes sense, Bald. Should be fun with two of them. I've only ever met the one at a time."
"Yes, well, baby Luna is still drinking from the tap, so I just wanted to warn you in case she clamps down on your nipple when you're not paying attention."
Harry nodded. "I'll keep my eyes open. And grown-up Luna?"
"Has been on solid foods for well over a decade. Though, you may want to keep an eye on your nipples around her just in case."
Harry gave a large knowing nod. "I learned that lesson early. You know, Bald, I think this is going to be a good summer."
Lionel smiled at the young man. "You betcha Harry." Lionel looked closely at Harry measuring him up and down. "Did you perchance write a will, yet?"
Harry smiled and chuckled. "It's become a sort of weekly ritual for me to update it now. Tell me have you heard the joke about penis-less old man?"
Lionel started laughing and slapped his leg exclaiming, "'And now, he just eats lemon drops!' I love that one. Here, grab on, and we'll warp away."
"Is warping worse than portkeys?"
"Oh heavens no. It just requires that you trust the aliens."
"Well, as long as they're not manipulative, controlling, old men." Harry said and grabbed onto Lionel's arm. The pair appeared to phase out of space with a shimmer and a loud humming sound.
Remus, Kingsley, Moody, Severus, Tonks, and Albus all just watched the two in horrid fascination. If they didn't know better they would have sworn those two were practicing some old routine. When the pair apparently 'warped' away, Severus exclaimed, "What the hell just happened here?"
Albus frowned. "I haven't the foggiest, but I think I should be highly insulted."
Kingsley chuckled. "I think Harry is going to have a fun summer."
Tonks asked, "What do you mean?"
Kingsley responded. "Well, I mean the kid's been oppressed and beaten down and suffered for anything considered abnormal. And now, I think he's going to get to be the exact opposite and everything he ever wished he could have been and done. Harry and Lionel are most likely the only two sane people in their own little world. I'm not too familiar with Miss Lovegood, but something tells me Harry's virtue is in more danger now than ever."
Severus sneered. "Bah! We've wasted too much time on the useless wretch as it is. Hope the Snorkacks get him." And Severus apparated away in the night.
Albus asked Moody. "You're sure he apparated into the street? And there has been nothing from the Ministry?"
"I know what I saw Albus. I also saw him floating off the ground in anger. So you might want to be careful next time you piss him off." And Moody apparated away closely followed by Albus.
Remus and Tonks were asking Kingsley. "Come on. Tell us what you can about Snorkack hunting."
Kingsley shook his head. "It's like a sacred brotherhood. I cannot just spill the secrets."
Remus suggested, "I'll buy you a drink."
"Damn! You already know the secret work-around. Alright. Let's go get blitzed."
Tonks exclaimed "Yes! Drunken stupor here I come!"
Remus just rolled his eyes and he and Tonks followed Kingsley's apparition directions. The three settled into a booth at some muggle dive Remus and Tonks didn't recognize. They all had a few shots and were nursing beers now. "Alright Kingsley, I've sufficiently intoxicated you. Now spill."
Kingsley looked at Tonks and Remus closely. "Alright. Well, as you know I went to the Academy in the States. It's much larger than the auror training facilities over here. And during my years there, I joined a fraternity: Sigma Alpha Male. And one of the initiation rituals of a sort was to take a new recruit out, a few ladies, and go 'Snorkack Hunting'."
Remus and Tonks were listening closely.
"Anyways…part of the whole mystique of Snorkack Hunting is the little that is known about it. There are many rules to it, and some will vary slightly, but everyone everywhere agrees on the first three rules."
"The first rule is you do not talk about Snorkack hunting."
Remus nodded. "Yes, yes. I heard that."
"The second rule is-"
Tonks shook her head. "Yes, yes. We heard that one too."
Kingsley wasn't too happy with the lack of respect the rules were getting.
"And the third rule of Snorkack hunting is…" Kingsley paused and saw his two friends making anticipatory frustrated faces. "Everyone is topless."
"What!" Tonks yelled while Remus just smiled and exclaimed, "Sweet!"
"It attracts the Snorkacks." Kingsley said with a shrug.
A couple of odd stares and Kingsley chuckled at the two. "I'm not entirely sure it's going to be the same sort of hunt for Harry. I think perhaps this is Lionel's way to trap a husband for his daughter more so than frat boys drinking in the woods with the ladies."
Remus looked a bit saddened. "Oh dear. Another old man manipulating Harry. He won't be pleased."
Tonks shook her head. "Umm, actually from what I gathered of Luna, Harry's going to be very pleased and probably quite often."
Kingsley smiled. "Yes. I think this is the sort of thing our self-sacrificing young Potter may be quite willing to forgive." Kingsley had a faraway smile of remembrance. "Boobs can do that to a growing boy."
Harry and Lionel landed with a crash and both of them fell to the floor.
"That was just as bad as a portkey, you big honking fibber!" Harry exclaimed as he got back to his feet.
"My apologies, Harry. That was in fact a portkey with a couple illusion spells built-in to the exit and disappearance. A trick my wife made up after watching Star Trek. Anytime we're in muggle inhabited areas, we just yell out, 'Beam me up, Scotty!' and can use them in front of anyone we please."
"Oh… so you just said that stuff to confuse the Headmaster?" A curious Harry asked.
"Yes, well that, and it seemed like pissing him off was one of your goals there, so I tried to do my part." Lionel explained while grabbing a can of frozen orange juice concentrate and a spoon.
Harry smiled in appreciation. "That was beautiful too sir. The looks on their faces were priceless. I never realized that desperately holding onto my lingering sanity was driving me crazy." Harry explained with a smile.
"If you love something, Harry, let it go free. If it comes back, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then I'm afraid that the Dark Lord probably killed it." Lionel explained with a sage voice.
"You know that's the best advice I've gotten in years. I'm hoping my sanity doesn't come back. Life is a lot easier without sanity or things like 'rules' in the way." Harry explained. "So, umm, do you really want me to call you 'Bald'?"
Lionel laughed. "I have no problems with it, but most people just call me Lionel."
"Alright Lionel. Now, umm, what is this about two Lunas?"
"Ahh…of course. You wouldn't know about that. She's probably asleep right now, so I hope she won't begrudge me telling you this one."
Harry sat on the couch and made himself comfortable.
"There was an incident when Luna was about two months old. My wife, Laura, was an Unspeakable. Brilliant woman, though she did occasionally bring work home with her. Well, she was nursing our young daughter, and not paying attention to her necklace. The shiny colors caught baby Luna's eyes and she being a curious young Lovegood, did what anyone else would have done in her place. She grabbed the necklace and ate it."
Surprisingly, Harry thought this made perfect sense.
"Unfortunately, this was not a normal necklace. Although for Unspeakables, it is a relatively common one. It was a time turner. And somehow the baby must have eaten it and activated it. She immediately disappeared. Needless to say, Laura and I were having fits worried and scared. So we were extremely surprised when Luna reappeared mere minutes later in Laura's arms. Laura was so startled she almost dropped her because Luna was not the same as she had left. In fact she was most likely over a year older."
Harry was beginning to think some things about Luna were making a little more sense. Though the love doll image was helping him to stay focused.
"We never knew where Luna went or what happened, so we never reported it. Reporting it would most likely only have gotten my wife into serious trouble. About ten months ago, a month or so before Luna began her fourth year at Hogwarts, baby Luna appeared in grown-up Luna's arms and bit down on her developing breast. I had a mild heart attack, but I'm feeling much better now."
Harry just nodded dumbly.
"Since then we've been raising baby Luna, and occasionally trying to figure out how to send her back to me and my wife fifteen years ago."
Harry asked. "Just occasionally? I kind of thought you'd be far more eager to figure out how to correct this and keep her in her proper time period."
Lionel responded. "I'm a firm believer in the theory that the timeline's cannot be altered. Whatever force it was that takes baby Luna and puts her back into my wife's arms fifteen years ago, is going to come and take baby Luna away no matter what we do."
Harry thought about this and realized he perfectly understood time travel now. Lingering sanity could stay away for all he cared.
Lionel smiled. "And I don't think it is coincidence we're going to track Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Everyone knows Snorkacks are drawn to the smell of babies. And we wouldn't have a baby around without baby Luna eating that time turner."
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Or is it dirty diapers Snorkacks like?" Lionel mused.
"Either way, she's here, and I can truly appreciate the moments I have with both my more grown-up daughter, and my baby daughter."
"So is Luna actually older than she tells people?"
"Yes, she's most likely been alive longer than you have, at this moment in time."
Harry couldn't deny the allure of an older woman was strong. Musky strong.
A voice from down the hallway called out. "Daddy. You woke me up. And then me woke I up because of you."
Harry turned his head to see Luna Lovegood walk in wearing purple silk pajamas that said "All Valley Karate Championship" on them. Her top was open and there was a young baby quietly suckling on her surprisingly amble bosom. Harry's eyes were wide and he was again cursing Hogwarts robes for keeping so many wonderful secrets.
"Oh, hello Harry. You must be the reason Daddy is being so loud. Can I get you anything to drink?" Luna asked seemingly unperturbed that she was nursing herself from her own tit in front of a guest.
Harry panicked. "Milk." Harry winced. "If you have it, please." Harry was a bit worried.
Luna looked at Harry a bit curiously and nodded. She went into the kitchen to get him a glass of milk.
Harry looked over to Lionel who was watching Harry carefully. "Umm, Lionel, sir, is that safe for her to be doing?"
Lionel kept his eyes on Harry. "Safe for who? Luna or Luna?"
"Luna." Harry said.
"It doesn't hurt her. She used a couple charms to make her lactate. But they're very common among nursemaids to pureblood families and women younger than her have done it." Lionel explained.
"What about Luna then?" Harry asked.
"Well, since these days she's a healthy young woman able to breastfeed a baby, it must not be too harmful to her. It helped make her the young woman you know her to be."
Harry nodded beginning to understand Luna quite a bit better. Though he was still vacillating between slightly disgusted, horrified of the repercussions, and inescapably turned on by the whole situation. His attention refocused when the breasts came back into the room with his beverage.
Luna used her free hand and gave Harry a glass of milk. "Here you are Harry. I assumed you wanted cow milk."
Harry stuttered and was having trouble keeping eye contact. "P-Perfect. Uhhh th-thank you. I-I'm not about to go sucking on a cow's udder but it's probably my favorite." Harry chuckled a little and looked to Lionel for help.
Lionel was just watching the young man intently.
"But then again, I've never tried your milk either." Harry was painfully unable to stop talking at the moment.
"Not that I want to!" Harry exclaimed looking towards Lionel. Harry was thinking about how that sounded and quickly turned back to the breasts on display in the room. "Not that I don't want to!"
Harry really needed to stop talking. He was trying to chuckle and drink his milk now and ended up coughing up much of it down his shirt.
"Settle down, Harry. You're making a mess." Luna said and walked up to him. Harry's eyes were firmly kept on the baby and the way its source of sustenance moved with each step. Luna pulled out a nappie from a pocket in her pajamas. She wiped off Harry's dribbling chin, and was dabbing at the corners of his mouth. She pulled back the cloth she was cleaning him with and spat a healthy dose of time tested mother-approved cleaning solvent into it and went back to cleaning Harry's face.
"There you go." Luna said with a smile.
Harry was unmoving and completely unprepared to deal with the situation he seemed to have put himself in. "I think maybe I should go to breast before I say or do anything else unbearably embarrassing."
Lionel raised an eyebrow at the unaware young man. Inwardly he was enjoying the hell out of this. "Here, let me show you where the breast bedroom is."
"What?" a frightened Harry asked.
Lionel looked at him curiously. "The guest bedroom? Tit's down the hall on the left. Bathroom is last door on the right."
Harry knew his brain was frazzled.
Lionel continued. "My lovely pair of Lunas are in the room across the hall from you. And my room is right next door to hers. Make yourself at home. Tomorrow we head out abroad. Boob night, Harry."
Harry just nodded and picked up his trunk.
The still nursing Luna added. "Boob night, Harry. Sweet dreams. Don't let the nargles consume your soul."
Harry maintained his silence and went into his room. Once he was in there, he closed the door and lay on the bed. He then repeatedly punched himself in the head until he had blacked out into a very welcome blissful sleep.