Author's Note: Now, I know that they don't use the Gregorian calendar in Star Wars, for obvious reasons, but I needed some sort of coherent dating system, so I took the liberty. Also, this story is slight AU, because in the movies none of the Jedi know about Anakin's marriage for a while. In this story, Anakin told Obi-Wan before they got married, and got him to persuade the Council that it was ok. More of that in the story.
It was a little black book, lying innocuously on Obi-Wan's table. At first, Anakin assumed it to be one of those ridiculous fictions that his Master seemed so fixated with--but then he noticed the lack of a printed title on the cover, or for that matter, anything else on it, and it aroused his curiosity. He took the little book in hand and, glancing instinctively over his shoulder, opened it to the first page.
Private Property of Obi-Wan Kenobi was printed on the center of the page in a small, neat hand, without any flourishes or serifs. So like his Master, Anakin thought amusedly--his handwriting matched his personality perfectly. He wanted to turn the page, but the word "private" seemed to jump out at him. He had no desire to betray Obi-Wan's trust in him, and reading--whatever this was, could only do that. And yet, he could sense the emotions that had been poured into this little book. Frustration, contentment, boredom--but there were others, more tempting: anger, love, hatred, resentment... All the feelings of any normal human being, the ones that Obi-Wan never, ever showed, were right here. This, Anakin thought with a slight sense of awe, was where all those emotions went that, in Obi-Wan's case, seemed to simply disappear. Before he knew it, he was reading the second page.
December the Second, 5092:
Anakin's at a lightsaber session. He didn't want to go, of course--he never does. Anytime I suggest anything remotely like it, he takes it as a slur on his own performance, as though I felt that he needed vast improvement. Not true in the slightest, of course, but try to tell that to an nineteen-year-old boy who only hears what he wants to.
Anakin scowled at the page. He didn't like reading his own faults being laid out in front of him, and especially in his Master's words. It felt too...personal. From anyone else he could have stood them, but to hear anything but praise from Obi-Wan was always crushing. Against his better judgment, Anakin continued reading.
And the worst part is, I know Anakin: he'll come back in half-a-day, so exhilarated from his performance at the session that he will barely even remember that he never wanted to go in the first place. It's hard to keep from chuckling sometimes when he recounts to me his amazing prowess at some particular test, sharing every detail with me, maybe even hoping I'll have forgotten the reason he was there at all. That boy will be the death of me, and I'll have a million white hairs by then, but at last I'll be laughing when I go down.
Grinning in spite of himself, Anakin flipped through a few more pages, skimming them quickly. Hardly any of it was particularly exciting--a mission summary here, a mention of some Padawan's skill at connecting to the living Force there... Anakin quickly read over a little bit more, hoping for something really--well, he had to admit, he wanted something juicy--but there was actually very little in here that he didn't already know. Then his eyes caught the word 'Padme'.
April the Fifteenth, 5093:
My Padawan is in love.
My Padawan is in love.
How on earth did this happen? I wonder over and over again. Was it my fault, that I never really impressed upon him how important it was that a Jedi be unconnected as possible? Or would Anakin do something like this anyway, given that he is Anakin.
Padme should know better, even if he doesn't. But I suppose it's just my luck that the two of them would both be as reckless as possible. They don't understand the consequences of what might happen, they don't understand the dangers! All they can see is that they are happy in the now, in this moment, and it's all that matters to them.
I tried to warn them. For that matter, I tried to forbid it altogether, but since when has that worked with my Padawan? All I can do is drop a hint here and there, suggesting that this might not be for the best, that perhaps the Council had a reason for this tenet--and Anakin will not listen. I don't know if he even understands what I'm trying to tell him. And it's so important, so utterly vital that he realize what I'm trying to warn him about, and then every time I open my mouth, I see him with her, looking so unbelievably happy and alive, and the words choke in my throat, even though the sight should only strengthen my resolve.
Because he has to know--I have to know: If the choice came, and he had to decide between Padme and the Jedi--which would he take?
And every time I think of that question, meaning it merely as a concerned warning for the apprentice I love, a voice speaks in the back of my head, and it asks another question, meant for Anakin as well, but spoken this time out of my own desires, my own wants and needs.
"If you had to choose between Padme and me," it asks pitifully, "would you pick her?"
I never let myself think about it. I admit, I'm afraid of the answer. And if I fear that he would choose her, how can I help but question everything I know about him, when I had always naturally assumed that I would come first in his life, as he has always come first in mine?
The entry ended there.
More coming, as soon as I finish the second chapter! There might be three chapters, I'm not sure. It depends how long the second one gets, and if I can split it without ruining the story.