Title: Catastrophe

Author: Smenzer

Email: PG

Pairing: None

Archive: Yes, please archive. If you want to add this story to a website, please let me know.

Teaser: Hijinks erupt at Hogwarts when Crookshanks needs to take some pills. Comedy.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to Warner Bros, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, Heyday/1498 films, JK Rowling and Raincoat books. This is just for fun. No money is being made.

It was the start of another school year at Hogwarts and Harry Potter was looking forward to the first day of classes. He hurried down the curved stone stairs from the boys' dormitory and entered the Gryffindor common room. He had planned on heading straight down to the Great Hall for breakfast, but skidded to a halt at the sight of his best friend kneeling on the floor, her bushy brown hair hanging in her face. For some reason Harry couldn't fathom, she appeared to be reaching under the big stuffed chair near the fireplace, a worried expression on her face. "What's wrong, Hermoine? Did you drop something?"

"It's Crookshanks!" Hermoine wailed, tears starting to form at the corners of her eyes. "He had gotten sick during the summer so we took him to the vet. He has FUS, Feline Urinary Syndrome. I've had to give him medication and he's taken most of it, but there's still a few pills left but he won't come out! He has to eat all of them, Harry, or he'll get sick! FUS can kill a cat!"

"Cats take pills?" Harry asked, surprised. "I didn't know that."

"Yes, but he doesn't like it at all!" Hermoine admitted as she sat up, stretching her back from leaning forward too long. "It was easy at first, when he was really sick. I could just pop the pill into his mouth, hold his mouth closed and stroke his throat. He just swallowed it. But the healthier he got, the more of a fight he puts up! I don't know what to do!"

"Well, we'll help you pill Crookshanks." Harry offered as he moved closer to the cat's hiding place. "It should be much easier if there are three of us. After all, how hard can it be to pill a cat?"

Ron Weasley appeared in the common room, yawning. He ran a hand through his red hair and blinked at his two friends. "What's going on?"

"We're going to help give Crookshanks a pill. He has FUS." Harry explained to Ron, motioning with his hand for the redheaded boy to come closer.

"What, you first now found out? That cat has always been fussy!" Ron rolled his eyes and stayed where he was. "And who wants to give that horrid orange beast a pill? The thing is a bloody menace! It'll take my arm off and we have Potions today! You remember how Snape said that loss of limb won't excuse us from homework … not that I WANT to go to Potions…."

"No, Ron! Not fussy but FUS!" Hermoine explained as she explained everything. "It's a feline disease: F-U-S, Feline Urinary Syndrome. Crystals form inside the cat and…"

Ron interrupted her. "First it was SPEW and now its FUS! Where do you get these things? I'm going to eat in a few moments! What are you trying to do, make me sick?"

"Ron, just help with Crookshanks, OK?" Harry interrupted. "You can move the chair and I'll catch him when he comes running out. Then we can all hold him while Hermoine gives him the pill."

"Umm, all right." Ron moved towards the chair cautiously, a worried expression on his face. Getting attacked the first day of school by an angry cat was not his idea of fun. He gazed at the stuffed chair in question. "Is he under there?"

"Yes!" Hermoine answered. She held up a little white pill in her hand so both boys could see it. "I'm ready when you are. Just don't let him get away! He needs to take these twice a day until they're all gone."

Ron placed his hands on the chair and shoved. Almost instantly an orange streak raced towards Harry but the young Gryffindor Seeker was ready. He dived towards it, his arms outstretched. His hands landed on tangled fur and he quickly gripped the cat around the waist. Catching Crookshanks had been as easy as catching the Golden Snitch, but the similarities ended there. The cat twisted around with lightning speed, hissing in outrage. "Ron! Help me hold him!"

Hermoine raced towards her cat, knowing that within seconds Crookshanks might escape. She threw herself on the floor and reached for the cat's head. Hissing, he swiped with outstretched claws at her hand and she quickly yanked her hand back before it could be scratched.

"RON! Help!" Harry cried as he tried to hang onto the madly twisting animal. It seemed to have a thousand feet instead of only four, something which surprised Harry to no end. This was no longer the lazy, half asleep creature he had seen countless times last year. No, this was a fast-moving devil in orange stripes! The cat leaped towards Harry and the startled boy fell backward, hitting his head on the side of the stuffed chair. Padded feet landed on his chest, quickly leaped to his arm. There was a frightening moment when the cat's claws got tangled on the black material of his robe and the beast struggled wildly to get free, but then freedom was won and it raced off to cower in a corner.

"Harry! Are you all right?" Hermoine raced to his side and pulled him to his feet, her eyes filled with concern.

"Yes, I'm fine." Harry straightened his glasses and shoved a lock of dark hair out of his eyes. Then he held out his open palm. "Give me the pill."

Hermoine hesitated, her voice uncertain. "But Harry…"

"Look, I took on Professor Quirrel and the Dementors and killed the Basilisk. If I can do all those things, I certainly can give a cat a pill!"

Crookshanks huddled in a corner, the fur raised along his back and his ears pushed flat on his head. A low growl could be heard, a growl that rose and then lowered its volume.

"I … I really don't know. Maybe you shouldn't try it." Hermoine glanced from Harry to her cat and back again. "He looks really angry."

"I wouldn't go near that thing." Ron admitted.

"It'll be fine. Really!" Harry took the pill and headed towards Crookshanks.


A short time later Harry limped into the Great Hall, his black wizard robes hanging in tatters. He ignored the dozens of curious glances and headed towards his seat at the Gryffindor table. In all respects, he supposed it could have been worst. "At least I don't have a dozen more jagged scars on my face…" he muttered to himself.

Then a sneering voice came from behind him. "What happened to you, Potter? Were you fighting off the hoards of adoring fans?"

"Shut up, Malfoy." Potter turned around and stood face-to-face with his most annoying enemy, Draco Malfoy. He waved a tiny white object at the other boy's face. "Or YOU can give the cat the pill!"

Draco's gray eyes focused on the tiny white pill in confusion, then his typical sneer appeared on his pinched face. "You were trying to PILL a CAT? Potter, that's the most stupid thing I ever heard! Why would anyone want to do that?"

Crabbe and Goyle snickered loudly from where they stood behind Malfoy, their thick bodies shaking.

"You wouldn't understand." Potter replied and spun around on his heel, the tattered black robe flaring out.

"Copying fashion styles from the Dementors, are we?" Malfoy said, hoping to get another rise out of Potter. But the Boy Who Lived ignored the remark and settled himself down at the table next to Ron. Realizing the fun was over for the moment, Draco settled himself at the Slytherin table. He was sitting almost back to back with Potter, which suited him quite fine, as it made it all the easier to bug Potter at various moments.

Hermoine hurried over to the Gryffindor table and tossed a heavy bag onto it, then quickly sat down. "Oh Harry, I'm so sorry! I never knew Crookshanks could ruin clothing so badly! Are you hurt? Are you bleeding? We should go see Madam Pomphrey!"

"I'm OK." Harry said as he placed the pill onto the tabletop. "But we still need to feed this to your cat."

Ron spoke up. "Why don't you coat it in butter? Or hide it in food? Animals always love food."

"Well, there's lots of things Crookshanks can't eat anymore, but I suppose a little butter can't hurt. Let's try it!"

Ron reached for the pill, and then used his knife to cut a pat of butter off the oblong slab sitting on the table among the huge breakfast. Using his hands, he rubbed the butter messily all over the pill. The greasy stuff was all over his hands but he didn't care. He'd rather have dirty hands than get scratched by the orange beast! A moment later he held the pill up with a triumphant look on his freckled face. "There! It's all ready for the evil brute, I mean cat."

"Ron! Be careful!" Hermoine cautioned. "You don't want to loose it!"

"Don't worry, Hermoine!" Ron laughed as he tightened his grip on the slick pill. "I got it."

As the words poured from his mouth, the butter-coated pill popped from between his thumb and forefinger, flying up into the air.

"Ooops!" Ron said as he tilted his head backward in a vain attempt to see where it would land. But with the hundreds of lit candles floating overhead it was near impossible to see the tiny pill. It tumbled end over end and landed on the Slytherin table. To be more exact, it landed in Goyle's breakfast. The plump boy didn't notice, as he was listening to Draco with rapt attention. Without looking, he picked up his jam-slathered sweet roll and took a large bite. The pill disappeared down his gullet, leaving only the faintest of odd tastes in his mouth.

"RON!" Hermoine cried in terror. "You lost my cat's pill! I need that pill!"

She leaped up from her seat and dashed as quickly as she could around the long Gryffindor table and skidded to a halt near Malfoy and his two cronies. "Where's my cat's pill? It landed over hear somewhere!"

Draco twisted around on the bench and glanced up at Hermoine. "What pill? We don't have any stupid pill."

"My cat's pill! Ron coated it with butter and it flew up into the air!"

"You making excuses to come over here, Granger?" Draco eyed her from under his fringe of white-blonde hair. "Getting tired of hanging out with Potter and Weaselby? Not that I blame you…" His gray eyes shifted to Potter's tattered robe and he frowned with disgust.

"I need that pill!" Hermoine scanned the table quickly but didn't see it anywhere. A slight frown crossed her face. "You didn't eat it, did you? It's not meant for human consumption. It's veterinary medicine. You better not have eaten it!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "What do you think I am, stupid? You're confusing me with Weaselby over there. I'm not going to eat your stupid cat's pill!"

"Well, it has to be somewhere!" Hermoine insisted as she tried to peer under the table.

"This is Ridiculous!" Malfoy cried as he snatched an apple and prepared to leave for his first class. Crabbe and Goyle nodded, and then followed him out of the room.


"I really don't understand where that pill could have disappeared to!" Hermoine said later that day as they climbed the stairs to the Gryffindor common room. Classes were finished for the day and each had a load of homework to look forward to. "Well, we'll just have to use one of the other pills."

"Malfoy probably stole it." Harry commented as he dumped his stack of books onto a nearby table.

"Now why would he do that?" Hermoine asked as she pried open a little orange pill bottle, the kind Muggle prescription medicine came in. Tilting the container, another while pill tumbled into her open palm.

"Because he's Malfoy!" Harry cried. "He doesn't need another reason!"

"Well, there's only one pill left after this one." Hermoine commented as she sealed the container and stuck it into the pocket of her black robe.

"Good!" Ron said as he staggered into the room, tired from the first day of classes. "I have a ton of homework already. The last thing I need is to be chasing that orange beast all over the castle!"

"Hmmm, where is Crookshanks?" Hermoine asked the two boys as her eyes quickly scanned the entire room. "I already checked upstairs and he's not up there."

"He probably got out the portrait hole." Harry sighed. "Let's go look for him. Come on, Ron."


"We need to help Hermoine! That's what friends do!" Harry pointed out.

Ron whimpered, but followed the other two out. "I can see it now in the Daily Prophet. Student killed by Horrid Orange Beast with Razor Sharp Claws and Wicked Fangs! I don't even have a Will! You can have my Chocolate Frog cards, Harry."

"Don't be Ridiculous! Crookshanks isn't going to kill anyone!" Hermoine huffed in irritation as she hurried down the flight of staircases, the pill secure in her hand. They just reached the corridor on the first floor when she spotted the cat strolling along. "There you are! Crookshanks, you come over here right now!"

The cat took one look at her and broke into a fast gallop, his tail held straight up into the air.

"Don't let him get away!" Hermoine cried as she started to chase her unruly feline. Harry and Ron glanced at each other, then shrugged their shoulders and followed her.

"I didn't know cats could gallop." Ron commented as he ran alongside Harry.

"That's NOT a normal cat, trust me on that."

"Yeah, I do! Are you really going to help her again?" Ron asked.

"Ummm…." Harry skidded to a halt. Hermoine had Crookshanks trapped in an empty classroom and he cautiously peered in. It was Professor Flitwick's Charms room to be exact. "Well, I should help her."

"But that thing is DANGEROUS!" Ron insisted as a shiver traveled down his spine. "It's like those bloody spiders out in the Dark Forest!"

Voices echoed off the walls and both boys turned to see who it was. They were both surprised to see Draco walking with his father, Lucius Malfoy. The Governor was dressed in his usual expensive black clothing with silver decorations, his snake-headed cane in one hand. "And you have no idea what made the boy sick?"

"No, Father." Draco said, and then paused when he spotted Potter and Weasley.

Lucius had also stopped and was gawking in shock at Potter's torn robe.

Hermoine hurried out of the classroom. "Hurry, Harry! I got him cornered!"

"Ummmm…." Harry glanced towards the doorway to Charms, then down at his robes.

"You're wasting time and he'll get away!" Hermoine reached for Harry's arm, determined to pull him into the room.

Just then Professor Snape appeared from around the other corner and passed the three young Gryffindors. He nodded at Lucius and was about to head back down to the dungeon and his precious bottles of potions. He paused, and then turned to glare at Harry. "Potter, get a new robe. That thing is a disgrace!"

"Yes, Sir." Harry replied. He was almost knocked off balance by Hermoine who was pulling on his arm. He then realized that next time Crookshanks would be shredding his skin instead of his robe. He dug his heels into the stone floor and craned his neck. He could still see Snape's retreating black form. "Professor!"

Snape paused. "What is it now, Potter? Do you need supervision every moment? What are you doing there anyway?"

"Ummm…you have a big nose?"

"DETENTION!" Snape bellowed.

"I'm sorry, Hermoine!" Harry said as he wriggled out of her grasp. "But I have Detention."

"Ooh, of all the stupid things!" She said as she watched him run past Draco and Lucius. She then turned to look at Ron. "Well, what about you?"

"Wait! Professor Snape!" Ron took off and almost collided into the two Malfoys. He skidded but corrected his course and hurried on. "I want Detention too!"

Lucius glanced down at his son and Draco shrugged his shoulders.

"Cowards!" Hermoine cried after them. Then her eyes fell on Lucius. Harry had told her all about Mr. Malfoy and Tom Riddle's Diary, of course. The man was most likely a horrid Death Eater and wasn't scared of anything. She smiled sweetly, the pill hidden behind her back. He was exactly what she needed to pill her cat.


Lucius Malfoy went shrieking down the long, torch lit corridor, Crookshank's claws tangled in his long white hair. He wasn't clear how the Mudblood had convinced him to pill the awful beast, but it hadn't gone the way it was supposed to, that was clear. Now the vicious creature was stuck upon his head, hissing and spitting. If he could reach the school's hospital…

"Come back here with my cat!" Hermoine cried as she raced after him. "CATNAPPER! CATNAPPER!"

"Father!" Draco cried as he hurried along after Hermoine.

The large golden eagle turned around and Dummbledore stepped out into the hallway. He saw the commotion and hurriedly stepped back inside before he got involved. And people wondered why he spent hours pacing in his study!

It was going to be one of those years…

The End

Author's Note: One of my cats really has FUS and it was almost impossible to give him the medication. So that's what this story is based on.