Hello again. I'm so tired…

Anyway, I finished Johnny Tremain and was like, "what? NOOOOOOO!" and well…this came about. This is very different then my usual stories in more then one way. First there isn't any lemons, (GASP!) but there is yaoi hintage so don't be stupid please. Second, it's angsty, (GASP!) which may not sound weird but for me it is. I love happy endings. …but this one isn't happy. --;;

But hey! You have to write an angsty fanfic if you're a fanfic author. It's practically a rule. So here it is. (By the way, thanks to WatashinoChibiTenshi for her wonderful fic. it made me feel better about writing an angsty story. love you Watashi!)

And one last thing, the dialogue from the flashback is from the book so don't sue me please! It is all the authors' dialogue not mine! (But I did write the stuff between what was being said).

/after the war/

/Well here I am again…/ Johnny thought to himself as he strolled down the dirt road. It had been a while since he had seen his hometown. After he had snuck over the river to find Rab about a year ago, he hadn't been back. He had been fighting. He fought the British with his own bare hands…and he had won. America was now free of Britain's control. But at what cost?

Johnny continued down the street, spotting the little town. It looked much the same as it had, but he wasn't. He was now eighteen, a real man. But in all truth he had left his childhood long ago. With the first shot of his gun, the first bullet he shot through a soldier, his first companion to die…he had long been a man, no longer a boy.

Familiar sounds filled his ears as he continued down the street, shops running up and down it. Some were new while others he could remember. He didn't give them much heed though. He kept looking, hoping to see…there it was. The old man looking through a scope, the sign of the Boston Observer. Smiling he put his hand to the door, remembering the first day he passed through it. That was the day he had met Rab…

"Excuse me sir, do you need something?" Johnny turned to face a young woman who was none other then Cilla. Her eyes grew wide as she fluttered them at him incredulously. "Johnny…?"

"Hi Cilla." Johnny replied as he smiled at her. She smiled back before wrapping her arms around him, her eyes starting to water. "Oh Johnny! I was so worried about you! I thought you had…had…"

"Died? Sorry but it takes more then that to get rid of me."

"Of course. Aunt Jenifer! You won't believe it! Johnny's back! He's back!"

/later that evening/

"Is it alright?" Jenifer asked worriedly. Johnny smiled at her. "Of course. It's heavenly compared to the stuff I had to eat during the war."

"Why thank you."

"Johnny!" cried little Rabbit. He was now two and a half and quite the

talker unlike his brother had been. The man rolled his eyes as he asked, "What is it Rabbit?"

"Um…did you see big brother? Rabbit misses big brother."

Johnny's hand stilled as his face grew dark. Aunt Jenifer didn't seem to notice though as she asked "Oh yes Johnny, do you know where our Rab has gone? We haven't heard anything from him since before the fighting even began. How is he?"

"You mean you don't know?" Johnny questioned. Cilla and Aunt Jenifer shook their heads, unaware of Rab's fate. Before he answered the women he whispered to Rabbit that he had something for the boy in his bag upstairs. The boy beamed at him and dashed off. That done, he took a deep breath, his heart starting to ache. "Rab… he's dead."

"What…?" Cilla whimpered as she brought her hands to her face, her smile disappearing. Johnny looked away. "He died a year ago in Lexington. I had gone to find him and the doctor, but by the time I got there it was too late."

"Too late? It can't be! Rab was a skilled fighter!" Jenifer cried, her eyes starting to water now. Johnny bit his lips. "He was but…he was shot before he even got a chance. He hadn't fired a single bullet. He just…just…"

Johnny's voice started cracking as his heart ached. He had known that one day he would finally come to terms with his lover's death but now emotions flooded him. The numbness that had overcome him for so long was gone now, his shield slashed. Rab was really dead. Johnny would never see him again. Never…

"Rab…I was by his side that day. He had me go check on Grandsire and he died while I was gone. He didn't want me to be there when he passed…oh lord Rab…" he could feel his own eyes growing teary. He wiped them away irritably before standing and turning away from the women. Weeping filled the room as Jenifer and Cilla held each other close. He couldn't take it. He walked out of the room to the guest room where he was to stay for the night. Rabbit sat on the floor, ogling at the unloaded rifle. "Oh…Johnny! Is this your gun?"

"Yeah…but that used to be your big brother's. He gave it to me a while back." Johnny replied, smiling weakly and patting the boy out the room. As soon as the boy was gone Johnny shut the door before sliding to the ground, his body starting to shake. The pain he felt inside, it was tearing him apart. After Rab had died, Johnny had felt numb, unable to hurt or feel. But now, everything came back. Not just Rab but others. The men who he had seen die, the men who he had killed. He could remember watching their eyes widen before they fell at his feet, crimson blood covering the red and white uniforms.

"I-I didn't mean to…I never wanted to hurt anyone…Rab…come back…please…I love you…"

"I hope he gets better soon." Cilla said worriedly as she chopped the carrots. It had been a week and Johnny hadn't left his room but twice since he told them of Rab's demise. Neither time did he utter a word. Jenifer shook her head weakly. "I hope so. He's taking Rab's death worse then I am."

"I know. Course, he and Rab had been very close." She sighed to herself as she finished stirring the soup and added the carrots. She was hoping that he would eat today, though it seemed unlikely. But that wouldn't stop her from trying. She poured the substance into a bowl and picked it up, careful not to burn herself. Rabbit giggled happily as he played with little toy soldiers that he had gotten from another village member. Cilla smiled at him before walking down the hall and knocking on Johnny's door. "Johnny? Johnny are you awake? Johnny Tremain you had better answer me!"

There was no reply. Sighing she pulled out a key and unlocked the door, taking a look into the room. Inside she saw the man curled up on the bed. He was a real mess. His hair was muffed, his uniform dirtied and his skin darkened from sot. She walked carefully up to the bed and sat on the edge, gently brushing the hair from his tear stained cheeks. It broke Cilla's heart to see him like this. It must have been terrible for him.

"Rab…please don't…" Johnny whimpered softly. Cilla tilted her head as she listened. He must be dreaming. His face grew darker and his brows furrowed as soft tears fell from his eyes again. "I didn't mean to…Rab…Rab? Please…I need you…don't go! Rab!"

"Johnny!" Cilla cried, shaking the man out of his nightmare. Johnny blinked at her as he regained his composure. "Cilla…what are you yelling about?"

"You idiot…" Cilla murmured as she hugged him tightly, tears in her eyes. He looked at her sadly and hugged her back. "I'm sorry Cilla."

"Don't be! Don't you get it! It's not your fault! Rab went to fight because he wanted to, because he felt he had to. There was nothing you could have done!" She yelled. He shook his head. "Cilla, that's not…"

"Yes it is! I heard you! You were calling out to him! Johnny he's gone. You of all people should know that. Just let him go!"

"Cilla!" Johnny yelled as he pushed her back to look her in the eye. She

gulped as she stared back. "Cilla…I can't let Rab go."


"Cilla! Let me finish damn it. That isn't all. Do you have any idea what I've been through? The only reason I made it through that slaughter that people call a revolution is because of Rab. After he died I felt numb and alone. But now…now I know he's dead. He's gone and so are all the others. All the men I killed…I killed them Cilla. I killed them!" Tears streamed down his face as his grip loosened. Cilla shook her head rapidly saying, "Johnny please. Calm down. Please Johnny, it's over now. They're all dead. There's nothing you can do."

"That's supposed to help? How can I do it? How can I just forget? They were real people, real men with real lives and I killed them! Not only that but now I don't even have Rab to help me, to be with me. God Cilla…I miss him so much…" he murmured as he rested his head against her shoulder. The two cried in each others arms, Cilla for Johnny and Johnny for Rab. How could he do it? How could he go on…?



"You loved Rab, didn't you?"

"Yes…and I still do…I love him so much…how can I do it Cilla?"

"I don't know…"


The moon reflected off the cool river, shimmering and sparkling like nothing ever changed. Boats swayed in the harbor with white sails billowing this way and that. A gentle wind softly caressed Johnny's face as he looked out from the dock. Even now, a year later, he still came here. He had always been attracted to the place. But many a time before his mind was always a mess and he came to clear it. Today though, his mind was a blank and he wanted something, anything, to feel right.

He had been home for three weeks now. The first week he had cried over his past but after he finally was able to drag himself out of his room. He walked through the day with a smile on his face. He didn't want people to worry. Cilla had been such a mess and it had been entirely his fault. He didn't want to force his emotions on others.

But fairly soon the extreme realism that he had felt disappeared. He felt numb again, but this time it was an awful feeling. It felt like there was nothing, no one, no where. The smile on Rabbit's face, the beautiful farm lands, even wonderful memories shared at the dinner table didn't affect him. He didn't feel happiness or sadness, successful or guilty. All he felt was empty and alone. And want. He wanted Rab. He would give anything to have his love back. But it wouldn't happen. If only…why had he been so stupid? He could still remember the day Rab left. That god awful day…

/ "But as soon as the first shot is fired, no man of military age can possibly get out of Boston. They'll see to it. It's now or never." Rab continued, explaining himself simply. He didn't show any reluctance to leave Johnny behind, and that tore at the boy's heart. He loved Rab, and Rab was supposed to love him back. But now he was leaving and didn't seem to show any signs of caring.

"Perhaps I'll go too." Johnny stated, hoping desperately that Rab would take him. But the older boy shook his head. "No, you can't. You've got your work to do right here in town."

"You lie. There's not one reason why I can't leave for Lexington too, except you don't want me." Johnny accused, wishing for Rab to deny it, to tell him he's wrong. But he didn't. Rab just laughed before continuing to pack. "You want to go!"


"Well, then – go!"

"I'm going fast's I'm able." Rab said back, no emotions showing at all. Johnny just stared back helplessly, his heart tearing in two. He sat, listening to the older boy sing softly to himself, his eyes glowing with excitement. Johnny always loved to hear Rab's husky voice when he sang, but now he wasn't singing for him, he was singing for the fight. Singing for the excitement, the blood, for what many would call "freedom". Johnny hated it. He didn't want Rab to go. He didn't want him to die and leave him forever.

"I guess you really want to get out to Lexington."

"Here's hoping." Johnny could only look on sadly, watching Rab finish his packing. The older boy finally turned, resting a hand on the younger boy's shoulder. "Good-bye, Johnny. I'm off." Johnny couldn't look up into the gleeful eyes. He heard the boy laugh. "You're a bold fellow, Johnny Tremain."

Rab turned and walked down the ladder, walking to the street where he said goodbye to his family. Soon after he sprinted down the alley, running to fight the good fight. Johnny jumped from where he sat and ran out to the alley. He was being stupid. He hadn't even said goodbye! Rab was leaving and he hadn't even said goodbye, good luck, I love you…this was all wrong. As soon as he realized he was too late, he ran back to the house and hid under the sheets, close to tears but never actually crying. He couldn't cry. He was too old…/

"Too old…heh." Johnny chuckled softly to himself as his tears gently rolled down his face. Nowadays that was all he could do. Cry. Cry for himself, cry for the soldiers, cry for Cilla and Aunt Jenifer, cry for little Rabbit who would never know his elder brother. Finally though, he cried for Rab. The man was so…wonderful. Johnny had always thought he was wonderful. Always. Even now, after his lover had gone, he still thought he was wonderful. He loved him and would never stop loving him.

Johnny absentmindedly picked up little rocks, throwing them to the river. One skipped five times. Last time he had tried, he could only get two skips. Course then his right hand was immobile. Now though, he could move it freely. He went to pick another rock but instead quickly drew his hand back, his finger bleeding. The rock had little barnacles on it, the spiky creatures sharp to the touch. His finger throbbed but he didn't seem to mind. In fact it was kind of nice to feel something that felt…real. Something he knew was real. Maybe…

His other hand moved to his belt where he kept his knife. During the war Johnny never went anywhere without a weapon on him and still he carried the dagger. Curiously he brought it to his wrist, pulling it against his skin. It left a trail of scarlet and a burning sensation that sent chills down his spine. He tried again, crossing the first slash to create a bloody X. He grimaced at the pain, but didn't stop. He continued to cut himself, his body bleeding red, painful tears. All the pain he felt internally came to the surface as he sliced at his flesh again and again. Hot streams of water ran down his cheeks as gentle sobs escaped his throat. He knew if he kept at it he would possibly die but he didn't care. Nothing mattered now. Nothing was real except the pain. Nothing else…

"Johnny? Johnny are you out here!" Cilla called out as she walked up the hill. He spotted the man and ran towards him but stopped at the start of the dock. Johnny stared up at her, his eyes blank and filled with tears, crimson covering his bleeding wounds and clothing. Neither said a word. Cilla simply stepped forward cautiously and knelt next to the man, brushing his hair from his face. He pulled away from her but didn't lose eye contact. Finally the girl whimpered, "Johnny…my god…"

"Go back home Cilla. Go now." He replied his voice unemotional despite the wetness of his cheeks. Her chin began to tremble slightly as she reached out to him again only to have him push her away. "I said go. Go home."

"I can't Johnny…oh lord why didn't you tell me? I can help you…"

"I said go!" he yelled loudly, but still unemotional. She bit her trembling lips but didn't move to stand. Instead she tried to take the knife from him saying, "Johnny please, let us help you…"

"Damn it woman, didn't you hear me! Go HOME!" he yelled at her in sudden frustration, knocking her backwards with the back of his arm. She scrambled towards him, trying to wrestle the dagger from him only to be thrown back again. "Johnny! Please for the love of god don't do this!"

"Who cares about God? I don't love him, I love Rab! I love him Cilla! I can't do this! Day in day out…it isn't real anymore! The only things that are real are my love for Rab and the joyous pain I feel from this knife. Nothing else feels real anymore!"


"Stay back! Go home or else I swear I'll…" he threatened as he brought the knife to his throat. She froze, tears cascading down her face. "Johnny…"

"I will! Now go home Cilla! Go!"

"I can't Johnny!"

"Do you doubt me! Because if you do then you're a fool! I don't have anything to live for so why not just kill myself! It would make things much simpler…"

"You're wrong! You do have things to live for! You have the rest of your life! Someday you'll get it together and look back and laugh! Please just put down the knife and come with me. We need to bandage your wrists." Cilla reasoned as she tried to move forward. Johnny moved the knife to his neck, leaving a shallow cut on his throat. The woman stopped again, her will dying, her heart shattering. "Johnny…please I'm begging you…"

"It's over Cilla. I can't do this anymore. Go check on Rabbit. Before I left he started coughing. Make sure he isn't sick." Johnny said, weakly smiling at the woman. She shook her head side to side, murmuring and sobbing. He was trying to get rid of her, just like Rab had on the day he passed away. Johnny was going to off himself and didn't want her there when he did it. She didn't know what to do. If she tried to stop him he would only kill himself on the spot, but if she left he would still kill himself slowly. She could only stand there sobbing, her voice leaving her. "…Johnny…"

"Go on. I don't want Rabbit getting sick. I want him to have a better life then we did. Go." Johnny urged her, his voice slowly losing emotion. She stepped back cautiously before turning and dashing down the beach in hope of finding someone, anyone, who could help the man. Johnny could only sigh as she left, before turning back to the water. "Rab, where did we go wrong? Why didn't you keep your promise? You swore you would try your hardest to come back, but you didn't even fire a shot. Why Rab? Why does it have to come to this?"

Johnny's questions went unanswered as the wind rustled softly through the leaves. He stared longingly at the knife before dropping it to the ground along with his clothes. His body has well developed, covered with small scars and bruises from the war. With one small arc he dove into his watery grave, swimming close to the bottom while letting out his air. Johnny turned onto his back and stared up at the moon and the stars, smudged by the watery surface. He smiled before suddenly gasping and bringing his hands to his throat, his body begging for air. He wouldn't do it. He wouldn't let himself live this life anymore. He struggled under the surf; gasping and gulping the salty water as he coughed it back out with the little air that was left. The man's body continued to shake, his legs kicking wildly about. But Johnny stayed under, more afraid of living then of dying. His body grew colder and colder and soon his limbs fell away, unable to move. His body still begged but knew it was defeated. Johnny stared blankly for a moment longer, basking in the death that lay before him.

He could hear Rab's husky voice singing in his ear. Was it because he was dying? Had Rab come to take him from this world? With the last burst of air left in his body he mumbled softly, hoping his love could hear him.

"I love you Rab…"


……what have I done! Johnny!

Johnny/fresh out of the shower/ what?

Me: …WAH! I'm sorry I killed you /glomps/

Johnny: killed me? I was in the shower you idiot.

Me: really? Then who did I kill…oh well!

Rab/also fresh out of the shower/ hey love, what's she yelling about now?

Me: 0o…….RAB /glomps/ I though you were dead!

Rab: …no…

Me: …wait a minute…so while I was writing about Johnny killing himself you two were in the shower?

Rab and Johnny: maybe…

Me: …hehe…hehe…tehehe… /huddles in a corner rocking back and forth/

Rab: she really shouldn't write angst.

Johnny: no, she really shouldn't. Anyway, hope you people liked it. Comment and maybe she'll snap out of it.