Author's Note: SOOoooooOOOO. I FINALLY got the Lyrics to that stupid song "If I Were Gay". YEAH well, after going over the lyrics, I decided to put 'em in the last chapter, or the SECOND to the last chapter. Well, ANYWAY this is the first story that I get to post under my second name, Art Of Noise. Ya know, that name fits me better than my other one, "RubiSapphireSama". Ha.

ANYWAY, please R&R. Or flame. I REALLY don' care.

Disclaimer: The jay-chan-man don't OWN Kingdom Hearts, she just likes to play it and stare at Leon's ass while he kicks hers. YAY LEON!

And NOOOOOW without FURTHER ADO, I present- the Strife Version of

If I Were Gay. The Version for Cloud Strife. (Sora comes later)


Chapter One: Encounter

Cloud Strife strode through the large metallic double doors of his new job in Traverse Town. It was odd, though. How such a simple town could have such a large company. Oh well. Big things came in small packages. That was for sure.

He stopped in the middle of the waiting room to look around. It was very embarrassing to come to a new place and have NO IDEA where you are but alas, some things just can't be helped, can they? He glanced nervously at the receptionist at the desk. She stared at him dully through her shining green eyes.

"Do you have an appointment with the CEOor something?" she asked boredly.

"Err... actually, I'm here as the new secretary for a Mr. ..." he quickly looked at his application, his eyes scanning for the name of his employer. "Ah. A Mr. Leonheart."

Hearing this, the woman's eyes lit up instantly and she jumped from behind her desk, grabbing Cloud's hand. "WOOOOW! So YOU must be Squall's new secretary! COOL! MY name is YUFFIEEE! if you need anything, just go ahead and ask me, OKAY!"

"Um...thank you for your kindness, Ms. Yuffie."

"MS. Yuffie! DON'T call me THAT. You're making me sound like I'm some old hag or something. Yuffie is just fine." she giggled. "ANNNYWAY, what are you doing down here? YOU'RE supposed to be on the 17th floor with SQUALL!" she chirped, shoving him into the elevator before getting inside herself.

"Shouldn't you be at your desk waiting for people to come in? You could get fired if the CEO found out that you were absent from your post" Cloud murmured, trying whatever he can to get the overly hyper girl away from him.

"Eh? NAAAAAH, it's okay! The president, the vice, the vice-vice, the operations operator, and...well, just about the entire staff from the 13-18 floors are ALLLLLLLL off today so we get almost half of the entire building to ourselves! Isn't that the coolest?"

"Sure..."

Needless to say, it was a very long 6 minute ride up to the 17th floor. Yuffie talked non-stop about the corp and its staff, while Cloud barely listened. How horrible life could be when you're stuck in a slow moving elevator with a girl half you size with a mouth twice her own. Life could be a bitch sometimes.

"OOOOOH. HERE we are! 17th floor! The President, vice, secretary, and gummi development management are ALL located on this floor, the 17th. It's the BIGGEST, and the BORINGEST floor in the WHOLE building!"

'Boringest'?

Seemingly reading his mind...

"That's right BORINGEST! Out of this WHOLE DAMN BUILDING this floor had to be the biggest one! The CEO's office is over there, the vice president's office is over there, the manager's office is over THERE, and YOUR office" she turned around and pointed to an office right next to the vice's.

"...is over there. WATCH it though, the Vice president is a REAL hard-ass. But just ignore him. If you piss him off, he'll just get worse towards you. But don't worry, okay?" she grinned at him, winking her eye as she strode back to the elevator. "Put your things in your office, okay? I'll be back in JUUUUST a second"

Cloud sighed as he set his papers down on his brand new desk. From the looks of things, working here was going to be HARD. He HATED hard-assed people the MOST. They were just sooo annoying. And by the look of disdain on Yuffie's face, he could already tell that he wasn't going to like his new job. "People like him are such assholes." he muttered.

"WHO is an asshole?"

Cloud spun around to see the owner of the new voice. In front of him stood a tall man in leather clad jeans and a white T-Shirt. The brunette was leaning casually against the wall of his office, his sharp blue eyes pierced directly into Cloud's softer ones.

"Oh? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in here..."

"Anyway, who were you talking about?"

"O-Oh..." Cloud blushed sightly, silently cursing himself for speaking out loud. "Well...the receptionist, Yuffie, told me that the Vice President was a REAL hard-ass. And frankly, I just can't stand people like that. They piss me off SOOOO much."

The man seemed startled at first, then sightly amused. "A hard-ass, hmm? What's so wrong with people like THAT?" he chuckled.

"Well," Cloud began. "Their just so PRICKLY. Why be such a bastard all the time? It's not like people are going to LIKE you that way! What's the point of being so damn arrogant and indifferent? It's just sooo stupid that way..."

"You sound as if you know someone like that"

"I...I used to know someone like that.." Cloud whispered. "Oh...sorry, I've talk your ear off. How rude of me..."

"Tch. How Yuffie of you..."

Speak of the Devil and she shall appear...

"SQUALL? What are you doing here! You're supposed to have the day off!" Yuffie cried out from the elevator, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"Hmph. I CAME to get my laptop Yuffie. Besides, what are you doing away from your desk? I TOLD you not to wander around the building, Didn't I?"

Yuffie shrank back in absolute fear. "I-I'm sorry, Squall but Cloud got lost and I decided to help him just to be a good friend and..."

"It's LEON"

"...so I just HAD to show him around, Squall! I know YOU wouldn't have done it, but he's NEW here!"

"That's LEON, Yuffie. And I TOLD you already, to NEVER leave you POST!" Leon snapped, his eyes glaring daggers at Yuffie.

Ah, if looks could kill.

"Get back to you desk, Yuffie. And this time, STAY there, or else I'll have to reconsider the thought of you working here." Leon growled angrily.

Yuffie yelped and hopped into the elevator shouting, "Sorry 'bout this! WELCOME TO THE S GUMMI CORPORATION!" (1)

Cloud stood frozen as he watched Leon stalk away to the elevator. "Oh and by the way, Strife" he turned to give Cloud a half-hearted glare. "I'm not THAT much of a hard-ass."

Cloud stared at Leon's back as he walked into he elevator, slowly heading down floor by floor.

Leon was the vice president...

...who he had insulted...

...right into his face...

...he had even said he hated people like him

...to his face..

.. .and since Leon was you typical no-nonsense man

...he could get fired...

...on the very first day...

'I hate my lifeā€¦'


Cloud sighed as he sunk into the burning hot water. It was only his FIRST day at work and already he had gotten himself into trouble. Luckily for him, he had no more 'encounters' that day. But Yuffie had 'warned' him that he was going to me the rest of the Gummi Corp the next day. Not only that, but he had to be there at exact 8:15 in the morning. Sad thing is, Cloud never WAS a morning person.

He had arrived at work at 12:05, for that matter.

And he HATED waking up at anytime earlier than 8:00, to boot.

His day just kept getting better and better.

Sighing at his misfortune, he stepped out of the bath tub and gently dried himself off. He would need to get to bed early to be able to get to work the next morning. He didn't want another 'encounter' with the vice president. He didn't want to get fired after just one day of work.

Then again, getting fired looked like a pretty good idea right about now.

But he needed the money. And so there was no other way.

Ah...life's a bitch and then you die, so they say.

A slow, horrible, painful death, perfect for ending your misery.

Cloud almost groaned as he checked his cell phone messages (he had yet to buy a phone). 32 messages ALLLL left by Sephiroth, his ex-boyfriend. Why wasn't he surprised?

"Cloud, come back to me..."

Beeeep

"I'm waiting for you to come HOME, Cloud"

Beeeep

"Cloud, come home. I miss you"

Beeeep

"Just how long do you plan to stay a VIRGIN, Cloud?"

Beeeep

"You're MINE, Cloud."

Beeeep

"You KNOW you want me, Cloud."

Beeeep

"I'll have you, eventually. You can't run from me forever! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

Beeeep

"-AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-"

Beeeep

"-AHAHAHAHA! I'll be seeing you, Cloud..."

Beeeep

"...Much sooner than you think."

Beeeep

Cloud instantly turned his cell phone off, sighing as he threw it onto his bed. When was Sephiroth going to understand that they just weren't together anymore? People can be such hard-assess. And what did he mean by 'Sooner than you think?'

'Sooner than I think...?'

And suddenly Cloud's two-bit, shit filled life became worse. And to make things worse he had to get up at 6:00. His day just couldn't get ANNNNYYY better.

Squall Leonheart sighed as he checked his backpack once more...TWICE more...SHIT!

He'd forgotten his laptop at his office AGAIN. DAMMIT.

And he was OFF today too.

He sighed as he started his car and drove down the street, heading straight for the Gummi Corporation.

He arrived to find Yuffie asleep at the desk. Hmph, at least it was better that having her MISSING again. But wait...wasn't someone supposed to come in today?

He paused to think for a moment, before the thought finally hit him.

Oh yeah, his new secretary! He was supposed to come in today. Well, he just hoped that this one would be stronger than the LAST one. He and his LAST secretary had gotten into a terrible fight. And he had called her a two-bit whore, which, in turn, had sent her home crying.

He had told Cid that she was getting on his nerves, but Cid didn't buy it.

"If you don't have a new secretary by next Thursday, I'm docking your pay!" Cid had yelled, throwing the company's application book at him.

And so Leon did as he was told, and sent a help wanted add to ALLL the universities within a span of 4 worlds.

How odd. Only one college had responded to this add. And in ALL, only one person had enough experience to work as his secretary.

A cute blond haired guy with baby blue eyes.

How fitting for a job like this one.

He snorted as he stepped into his office. Outside, he could here Yuffie talking to someone about him.

'Spreading more RUMORS, Yuffie?' he thought boredly as he quickly closed the door.

"Put your things in your office, okay? I'll be back in JUUUUST a second"

Tch. Typical Yuffie. He silently opened his door, trying to get a glimpse of his new secretary.

What a body.

Leon quietly walked into the room, seemingly passing by unnoticed.

"People like him are such assholes."

Startled, Leon asked, "WHO is an asshole?"

The young man spun around is surprise. Well, from what Leon could see his new secretary was a pretty boy. He wondered if he was a virgin...

"Oh? I'm sorry, I didn't here you come in here..."

Already he had made a bad impression on his new secretary. What was his name? Cloud Stripes?

NOO...Cloud Strife.

"Anyway, who were you talking about?"

"O-Oh..." Cloud blushed sightly, and Leon could see the embarrassment in his eyes. "Well...the receptionist, Yuffie, told me that the Vice President was a REAL hard-ass. And frankly, I just can't stand people like that. They piss me off SOOOO much."

Leon blinked, startled. First day and he was already having doubts? HA! How inspiring... "A hard-ass, hmm? What's so wrong with people like THAT?" he chuckled.

"Well," Cloud began. "Their just so PRICKLY. Why be such a bastard all the time? It's not like people are going to LIKE you that way! What's the point of being so damn arrogant and indifferent? It's just sooo stupid that way..."

"You sound as if you know someone like that"

"I...I used to know someone like that.." Cloud whispered. "Oh...sorry, I've talk your ear off. How rude of me..."

Leon huffed. "Tch. How Yuffie of you..."

"SQUALL? What are you doing here! You're supposed to have the day off!" Yuffie cried out from the elevator, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"Hmph.That's LEON.I came to get my laptop Yuffie. Besides, what are you doing away from your desk? I TOLD you not to wander around the building, Didn't I?"

He nearly grinned as Yuffie shrank back in absolute fear. "I-I'm sorry, Squall but Cloud got lost and I decided to help him just to be a good friend and..."

"It's LEON"

"...so I just HAD to show him around, Squall! I know YOU wouldn't have done it, but he's NEW here!"

"That's LEON, Yuffie. And I TOLD you already, to NEVER leave you POST!" Leon snapped, his eyes glaring daggers at Yuffie.

Ah, if looks could kill.

"Get back to you desk, Yuffie. And this time, STAY there, or else I'll have to reconsider the thought of you working here." Leon growled angrily.

Yuffie yelped and hopped into the elevator shouting, "Sorry 'bout this! WELCOME TO THE S GUMMI CORPORATION!"

Leon headed towards the elevator, hearing Cloud's jaw drop as he said "I'm not THAT much of a hard-ass."

END chapter one. PHEW, I'm BEAT. R&R, okay? I'm taking a nap. If you find any errors, its because I was half asleep when I wrote this.

(1) just a name that I made up.