Disclaimer: Ms. Meg Cabot own everything you recognize. Everything you don't . . . well, I own that.
Summary: Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken. Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have dreamed of.
He just . . . went.
I haven't seen him for two and a half months.
And now I'm starting to think I'll never see him again.
Well, I guess it was to be expected. I mean, its like he always said. It wouldn't work out.
And I guess it didn't.
Everyone always complains that their relationships have flaws. Well, mine exceeded everyone's. Except for Father Dominic, I guess. I mean, he never completely told me about his dilemma, but it was pretty obvious. Priesthood, hello?
Yeah, so I guess maybe Jesse and I weren't meant to be. I seriously thought that love was enough. And boy was I kidding myself.
I guess maybe I should move on. Another relationship.
Well, not yet, but eventually. I'm not one to be a nun. I mean, look at Sister Ernestine. Do you see something wrong there?
Yeah, so chastity is definitely something I wouldn't look forward to. Sex is a major part of every girls life. If you never get it, then what's the point in living? I mean, I certainly don't want to die a virgin.
Then again, I don't think anyone does.
I just . . . its hard. Coping, I mean.
And its hard not being able to tell someone.
Everyone knows I'm depressed, but no one really knows why. Well, except for Paul and Father Dominic. Father Dom, of all people, doesn't even sympathize with me. Well, I guess that's what I get from a priest. And, get this, Paul is actually consoling. He hasn't tried anything on me. He cancelled shifter lessons (well, I probably would have quit anyway, seeing as the reason I was there, moved on). He also is helping me with my school work. During lunch he tutors me and, surprisingly, I'm making progress.
Other than that, no one has really figured it out.
And I'm not about to tell them, either. If they do figure it out, well good for them.
But I highly doubt they would.
CeeCee and Adam are worried. I haven't been hanging out with them lately. Well, you try losing the love of your life. Its not very easy.
But I guess I kind of feel guilty that I'm just blowing them off. I mean, they have no clue what the hell happened. And, again, I'm not about to tell them.
But it's, um, a little unnerving. What with no one to talk to about it and all. I suppose I could talk to Paul, but he's a guy. He wouldn't understand. And plus, he's the guy that was trying to break us apart.
I guess maybe there still is hope. But I know for a fact that Jesse wouldn't do this to me. He would let me know. But here I am, sitting alone, with nobody to love. Okay, that's wrong. I do still love him, but he's just not here. So, I guess its like a loved one dying. Boy, that makes it all the more better. Not.
My mom let me stay home for a week. Of course, she couldn't comfort me in my time of need. Needless to say, she forced me back to school the next week. It was that or going to another shrink, which I so wouldn't be doing. I'd rather willingly go to shifter lessons with Paul then to go to a shrink.
Well, that whole week, I laid in bed, contemplating my fucked up life. What was going to happen next?
Don't answer that.
When I returned to school, everyone was worried about me. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. God, even Kelly went up and asked me what was wrong. Well, Debbie didn't. But that probably was because she was blowing Dopey in the bathroom in between periods.
I was sent to Father Dom's office a few times. You know, he being the one who has to console everyone. I mean, I didn't mind. Well, up until he said it was bound to happen. Is it a crime to yell at a priest? Okay, try this. Is it a crime to yell at a priest using profanities?
I'm going to hell.
Paul was in a few of my classes. He was crude about it at first. Saying things like, "Suze, I told you the cowboy was going to leave you." Then I punched him in the face. I guess that's when he decided to be nice and compassionate.
I use the term compassionate very loosely.
So, yeah, school sucked. Not that it didn't before. But now, it was almost unbearable. If it wasn't for it being the week before final exams, I probably would have become a drop-out.
Hey, you try going to school with complete idiots. And then when said idiots go up to you everyday and say, "Aww, come on, Suze, cheer up." Yeah, not a bucket of joy.
Hmm. I just don't get it. Why my life is like this, I mean. I mean, one minute I was all happy with Jesse. Then I blinked, and he was gone.
Well, I guess I should try and cheer up. If Jesse were here, he wouldn't want me to grieve for him. He'd want me to move on and be happy. Like a normal girl.
Except I wasn't normal. Far from it actually. I saw ghosts and then fell in love with one. Its weird how things turn out, huh?
Well, things for my mom didn't turn out perfectly, either. Her first husband died and then ten years later, she remarried.
Maybe I should use her as an example. You know, get a new boyfriend and try and fall in love with him. Except you can't just go and expect to fall in love with someone. It just happens.
So yeah, I guess maybe its time I did move on. Don't dwell in the past, as the saying goes. Live in the present, not the past.
I just had to face the facts. Jesse was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. And this time, it wasn't Paul.
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