FRF: I probably need to stop coming up with new fics, seeing as I have update issues and can't stand writing out sloppy-copies, but I thought that this idea is just too much fun to not share!
Nikki: You think jail is fun?
FRF: It is when you put all the Inuyasha characters there! Now let's get down to business!
Spirit: Wait! The disclaimer first!
Nikki: Obsessed freak.
Spirit: I'm a ghost, not a freak.
FRF: Will you two shut up? And there's no way I could own Inuyasha because I'm allergic to dogs. I also do not own Kagome and Rin's reasons for being in jail. Kagome's I took from a book called What's the Number to 911?, and Rin's I took from an Adams Family movie. I just kinda modified the ideas a little. Though I do own several styles of the Nintendo GameBoy, I do not own the company. Lastly, I do not own Covergirl.
FRF: Sorry the fic is very dialogue driven, but what do you expect when the scenery is basically six jail cells? And the characters are purposely OOC for comic effect. Enjoy!
Chapter One: Busted
Inuyasha lay lazily in the top bunk of the jail cell he shared with Miroku and Kouga. He was scratching another tick mark into the wall with one of his sharp claws when his dog-ears picked up the sound of footsteps, jingling keys, and a bit of struggling. "Feh. Hey guys, I think one of us is getting a new inmate."
Kouga looked up from his crocheting and cocked his head to the side, intently listening to the sounds that his wolf hearing picked up. "Sounds like another wench to me," replied the wolf demon.
"I hope she's pretty," piped Miroku, who was currently ogling Sango, who happened to be in the cell across from theirs. Consequently, a pebble hit him on the head from said cell. It was thrown by said girl.
"Why don't you learn to use your brain for something other than mentally undressing women… especially one's that can easily kill you?" asked Sango, annoyed that Miroku had been staring at her nonstop for practically the past two weeks.
"So says the one who blew up a rehab center," said Kagura, the woman currently sharing a cell with Sango.
"Shut up, Kagura!" Sango threw another pebble, this one aimed at her inmate.
"Temper, temper, Sango," started Naraku, who was in the cell to the right of Inuyasha's. "My therapist says that to be truly happy, you must first learn to lighten up."
Sesshomaru, who was in the same cell as Naraku, spoke next. "Well, my therapist says that you live to love and must love to live, and if you do not love, then you are not truly living and will never be truly living until you learn to love."
"What kind of crap is that?" asked Kikyou, who was in the cell across form Sesshomaru and Naraku.
Everyone in the six occupied cells turned to look at the man snuggling a big, white, fluffy boa.
"What are you all looking at me for? Like hell if I know! And his arm was useless too."
Everyone sweat-dropped. Sango turned to the cell to the left of Inuyasha's and said, "Hey Kohaku, neither of them see your therapist, do they?"
"Nope. Sorry sis. My therapist still has both arms and thinks alcohol is a panacea," replied the distant looking boy.
"Hey, I think I have the same therapist!" piped Shippo, who shared Kohaku's cell.
The talk of therapists stopped when Jaken spoke form Naraku and Sesshomaru's cell. "What's a therapist?"
"What the hell are ye smoking?" asked Kaede, bewildered by his idiotness. She was in the cell across from him. "And where can I get some?" The addicted old had eagerly rocked back and forth on her heels.
"Kaede, you know well enough that they don't allow drugs in prison," said Kikyou, who was sharing a cell with her drug dealing younger sister who looked fifty years too old to be the younger sister. Or maybe Kikyou looked fifty years too young.
Rin and Kanna exchanged must glances in their cell to the left of Kagura and Sango's.
All conversation was suddenly halted as a pair of cops dragged in a struggling girl no older than fifteen and a little boy who refused to let go of a GameBoy Advance.
"I swear officer! I'm innocent! And I got proof! My brother is alive and well! He's right there for god's sake! NOW LET ME GO!" screamed the girl.
"Heh. That's what they all say. We got your phone call on record. No get in the damn cell!" The cop holding the girl roughly shoved her into Sango and Kagura's cell while the boy was pushed into Shippo and Kohaku's cell.
"Enjoy your stay!" said the second officer as he turned to leave. "Cause you'll be staying for a long time." The two officers left, leaving everyone in the cells to stare at the girl trying to pull open her cell door and the boy who was talking to himself as he played with his GBA.
"Get back here! I'm innocent I tell you! INNOCENT!"
The girl's frantic screams caused everything to cover their ears, especially those with sensitive hearing. Sango tentatively tapped the girl on her shoulder. The girl turned to her, giving her a look that said, 'can't you see I'm screaming here?'
Sango rolled her eyes. "What's your name and what are you in for?" she asked.
Everyone stared eagerly at the girl who's mood seemed to instantly change from annoyance to a sickeningly sweet cheerfulness.
"I'm Kagome! Those stupid cops threw me in here because they think I attempted to strangle my little brother, Sota."
"You did attempt to strangle me sis," piped the boy with the GBA. "And then you called 911 because I wouldn't stop breathing."
A few of the guy started snickering.
"Oh, shut up and go back to your illegal gambling! I tried four different methods of strangulation, but he wouldn't die!" she cried stressfully. The admittance caused everyone's jaw to hang open.
"And I thought I had an unusual reason for being here," said Kikyou.
Kagome spoke again. "Since you guys all know me now, what are your names and why are you stuck here?"
Everyone waited for someone to go first. After a tense silence, Miroku spoke up. "My name is Miroku," he stated. "And, would you do me the honor of bearing my child?"
Kagome stepped away from the cell door, which was away from Miroku. She glanced at the girl who had tapped her earlier for an explanation.
"Just ignore that damned per," said the girl. "I'm Sango, by the way."
"Hey! I'm not a per! I'm Tokyo's greatest con! I can't believe you think so little of me my dear Sango."
"I thought I told you not to call me dear," said Sango flatly.
"I thought I told you not to call me love either."
Before Miroku could speak again, Shippo cut him off. "Say Miroku, if you're Tokyo's greatest con, what are you doing in jail?" he asked.
"Shut up," was Miroku's reply.
Kagome decided to ask another question before the group got too off topic. "So Sango, why are you here?"
"D-W-I," was her three-letter response.
"That's it?" Kagome questioned.
The rest of the prisoners snorted. Sango cracked a rare grin at how gullible her new inmate was. Kagura took it upon herself to finish Sango's story. "Of course that's not it! First, she blew up a rehabilitation center! Then she got busted for drunk driving after having a party because she blew up the rehab center. Name's Kagura, mass murderer. Here's my card," she finished, handing Kagome a small business card while the girl look wide-eyed at the two people she had to share a cell with.
"I wouldn't have blown up the rehab center it they didn't send me there in the first place!" yelled Sango.
"Um, sis?" said Kohaku timidly. "You never would have went to rehab if you hadn't let yourself get addicted to those antidepressants father put you on after mother jumped off that bridge."
"All this coming from the one who killed father?" Sango retorted. "Why don't you just tell our life history Kohaku?"
"I think we already did."
Kagome glanced form person to person, trying to piece everything she had heard together. So, Sango's basically insane. Kohaku's homicidal. Kagura kills people on grand scales. And, Miroku is a pervert and a con artist. What else do I have to live with?
"Will you two stop arguing? My therapist says," started Naraku.
"Feh, don't you dare start with that damned therapist again!" shouted Inuyasha. "I don't want to get on that topic again!"
Kagome held a questioning look.
"Don't ask," replied Sango. "Anyway, to continue with the introductions, why don't you go Kikyou?"
"Fine. It's better than hearing about Naraku's idiot therapist," she said. "I'm Kikyou and I'm stuck in this hell on earth because apparently the good people of Tokyo say it's illegal to use humans in ritual sacrifices to the gods."
Kagome didn't know what to say to that, so she instead turned to Kaede to find out about her.
"I'm Kaede. Younger sister to Kikyou and drug dealer extrodinar! Want some crack? I'll sell it to ye half price!"
Kagome just kept on staring.
"Eh heh. Kaede, you're scaring the new girl," said Sesshomaru in his stoic manor. "My name is Lord Sesshomaru. Pleasure to meet you."
"Y-you too," stammered Kagome.
"For the love of god Fluffy, you're not a damned blueblood, so stop acting like one," said Kagura bitterly. "You're a friggin arm robber!"
"Humph. I wouldn't be one to talk. At least I let my victims live. More painful for them that way."
"Arm… robber?" Kagome questioned.
"My younger brother," Sesshomaru sent a glare towards Inuyasha, "cut my left arm off in a fight. Thus, I've been wandering the streets of Tokyo looking for a good are take."
"Oookay," was her response.
"You know Sesshomaru, I offered you a first-class arm," said Naraku. You just refused to take it."
"And, you would be?" asked Kagome.
"Naraku. Evil genetic experimenter, scientist, and mamma's boy. In fact, I'd be outta here right now if my poor mamma could just make bail. Poor, little me. Kukukukukuuu."
"Mommy!" sniffed Jaken. "Why oh why did you have to disown me?"
"Probably for the same reason you got thrown in here," said Kouga.
"I can't help that I was born horrendously ugly!"
"Sure you can Jaken," said Kagura. "Just borrow some of Fluffy's Covergirl."
"Hey! Don't call me Fluffy, witch! And, don't go giving away my make-up either!"
"Did somebody call me?" asked Kikyou, looking up from filing her nails.
"He said witch, not bitch, Kikyou," came Inuyasha's response.
Okay, thought Kagome. People actually expect me to live here?
"Oh, who's left to be introduced?" Kikyou asked curiously.
Inuyasha, Kouga, Shippo, Rin, and Kanna raised their hands.
"This should be interesting," she said.
"Feh. You go Kouga."
"Why? Scared mutt?" replied the wolf.
"Shuddup and go!"
"Fine. I'm Kouga and I'm here because I kidnapped a nutcase. Oh, and Kagome? I've decided that your gonna be 'my woman!'" he smirked.
"WHAT!" both Inuyasha and Kagome shouted at the same time.
"Bastard! You can't just go and claim a person! Besides, aren't you engaged to that girl you kidnapped?"
"You mean Ayame? Hell no! Thank god they sent her to an asylum. That girl does not belong on the streets!"
The prisoners all blinked at Kouga.
"What? And it's your turn now, Inukorro."
"That's Inuyasha, thank you very much. And my list of crimes is too long to say."
"That's because you've committed just about every crime possible, little brother," said Sesshomaru.
"Feh. And, we're only HALF-brothers."
"Can't you two go for one day without arguing?" piped Shippo. "It really interferes with my plotting to take over the world."
"Can it, runt!" Inuyasha replied.
"Hey! I can't help it I'm a midget! It's genetic!" cried Shippo.
"I might be able to fix that, Shippo," chimed in Naraku.
"Nobody asked for your two cents," said Inuyasha.
"Okay," said Kagome. "Now I know everyone except for these two. How come they won't talk?"
"Rin's a mute and Kanna just refused to," said Sango. "Kanna's the albino, and she's Kagura's partner and older sister. Rin's here because she attempted to bake Jaken in a cake. That's actually how the ugly frog got here. When they arrested Rin, they took one look at Jaken and booked him as a crime against nature."
"Hey! Stop talking about me and go make out with Miroku! We all know you want to Sango!" said the toad.
Sango immediately flushed. "Shut up! Who would ever wanna kiss that letch?"
"Why lady Sango, I had no idea you felt that way about me. When should I book the wedding?" Miroku chimed in.
Sango's face kept growing redder and redder. "Will you all just shut up? I'm not in love with Miroku so will you just get off my case?"
"Um, Sango? Nobody said you were in love with him," stated Kikyou.
If possible, Sango's face got even redder as she glared at everyone. They all just continued to laugh at her humiliation.
Just then, a cop walked in. "All of you, shut up and go to sleep!" he shouted, and then walked out just as quickly as he came.
After calming down a bit, they all snuggled down in their respected bunks as sleep over took them. Tomorrow they would have to show Kagome the ropes of prison life. Judging by what was seen as her personality so far, none of them thought that task was going to be easy.
FRF: There you go folks! The first chappie! It's nine pages long and over 2000 words, so you better be happy!
Nikki: I thought I was supposed to be the grumpy one.
FRF: It's two am. I'm tired. This was really fun to write though!
Spirit: Maybe you should sum this up for your readers, this way they're not confused.
FRF: Mmkay. Let's see… Kagome failed to kill Sota and called 911 because he wouldn't die. Sota gambles illegally over the internet. Inuyasha has committed just about every crime in the book. Sango was driving while intoxicated after the party she had for celebrating the fact that she blew up a rehabilitation center that she never would have been two if it wasn't for antidepressants she was put on after her mother committed suicide (that's a mouthful). Kohaku killed his and Sango's father. Miroku is a con artist and sexual harasser. Shippo attempted to take over the world several times. Kikyou got booked for ritual sacrifice. Kaede is a drug dealer. Kouga is a kidnapper. Kagura and Kanna are mass murders. Naraku is an illegal genetic experimenter. Rin baked Jaken alive in a cake. Jaken's there because he's ugly. And lastly, Sesshomaru is an arm robber (he steals arms, heh, heh, heh). If anyone wants the layout of their cells, tell me in a review and leave an e-mail address so I can e-mail a diagram to you. That part is a bit hard to explain in words. There, I think that sums everything up!
Spirit: Bravo! Now review good people of the fan fiction world! TTFN, ta, ta, for now!