DAY OF THE GNAT
One day, Gilderoy ate a magical grapefruit that turned him into a gnat. He flew out the window of Saint Mungo's and flew back to Hogwarts. "Children! Children don't you remember me? I've got my memory back now! Hey, look at me!" said Lockhart, in the great hall. But he was just a gnat, and all the children heard was "Bzzz, zzzz". Ron sensed a small insect around his neck and smacked it with his hand. Lockhart fell to the ground, crumpled and seeing double. Harry walked up to the table and stomped on Lockhart. Lockhart groaned and four hours later, he woke up and started to fly again. Lockhart realized he was quite strong. "That grapefruit must have fortified me. I probably have the strength of 30 gnats." smiled Lockhart, buzzing down the hall. He was on his way to see Dumbledore. He figured that if he could just reach Dumbledore, Dumbledore would transform him back into a man and give him his teaching position back.
Lockhart got to Dumbledore's door. At first, Lockhart was frustrated because he couldn't get in, but then he lit up apon seeing the keyhole and he flew right through. Lockhart flew through Dumbledore's office, and saw the wizard at his desk writing on some parchment. "Professor! It is I! I am back!" said Lockhart. This caught the attention of Fawkes, who flew off his perch like a mighty bird of prey in slow-motion and came flying menacingly down on Lockhart, his talens raised. "AAAAHH!" said Lockhart. Dumbledore looked up from his papers. "What the hell?" said Lockhart. Fawkes tried to catch the gnat in his talons, but couldn't grasp Lockhart. "Fawkes, you aren't trying to make a meal of that tiny little gnat. Damn, have you been dipping into my booze again?" asked Dumbledore.
Lockhart, scared witless, flew from the room. He flew back out the keyhole, Fawkes squawking and following him and ramming into the keyhole in persuit of Lockhart. "Oh, dear, Fawkes, why!" said Dumbledore, standing up and shaking his head. He walked over to pick the bird up. Meanwhile, Lockhart, scandalised, fled down the hall. He stopped briefly when he saw a mirror, and looked into it. "Oh, my hair!" he exclaimed in misery. He didn't really have any hair left, but he thought he did and he thought it didn't look right. So then he flew back off down the hall at lightening speed, but he wasn't watching where he was going. He saw a black blur in front of him, and all of a sudden he was in some kind of warm cavity. Lockhart tried to turn himself around.
Snape grunted, grimacing and rubbed his nose furiously. "Aaagghh!" he said in rage. He grabbed a black, tattered handerchief and blew into it loudly. Lockhart felt the gust of air but he was stuck in some nose hairs. "Oh, this is terribly beneath me!" said Lockhart. Snape, growing more and more pestilent by the instant, charged into his office. He quickly stashed away the palinter he'd left sitting on his desk in the open office, and then he pulled out his gun. He put it to his nostril. "I'll get you, you little #(&$#&&$(!(!#&&!&!(!" said Snape, he was just about to pull the trigger when he realized it could possibly do him some harm. He put the gun away and grabbed his wand instead.
"Gettouttamynoseicus!" he snarled, angrily. Lockhart was expelled, along with a small spider. The spider left, and Lockhart stayed on the desk, looking around and trying to figure out what was going on. He looked up and screamed. Terrified, Lockhart tried to fly away. "Oh, no you don't." said Snape, sounding as if he was ready to murder. He waved his wand and Lockhart zoomed towards him, hovering in the air in front of Snape. "Thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Thought you could irritate my nose, DIDN'T YOU!" screamed Snape. Snape grabbed a jar and carefully picked up Lockhart between two fingers. He put Lockhart in the jar. "I'm going to put you in a potion tomorrow. Yes, a potion that causes a person's ears to explode and their tongue to turn into a... gremlin. Don't look at me like that! I'm the potions master and I can make up any kind of potion I want. Untill then, you can just sit in there, you arrogant, arrogant fly. I shall name you... I'll name you Potter." said Snape, putting the jar down. He did a spell that created tiny holes in the top of the jar, that were too small for even Lockhart the gnat to fly out of. Snape left the room.
Lockhart buzzed sadly to himself, then he looked at the floor of the jar and weeped.
The sun rose the next day, and Lockhart slowly opened his eyes. It was doomsday. Lockhart gasped in horror, knowing that he would be put to death, and knowing he didn't even have any good robes to wear to his funeral. He would be buried as a gnat, a naked gnat. "I wonder who will bury me. Wait a second, I'm going to be dissolved in a potion. Oh, Gilderoy, you nincompoop how could you let this happen!" asked Lockhart. Soon, Snape entered the room, leering evilly at the jar. Lockhart tried to keep a stiff upper lip. Snake took the jar and started walking out of the room. Lock held his head high, trying not to cry. HIs lip started trembling and Lockhart burst out into tears. "Noooooo! Noooooo! Hermione, save me! You remember how appreciative you were of my greatness! Where are you now, girl?" screeched Lockhart, wailing, tears streaming down his gnat cheeks. Snape placed the jar on the table in front of the potions class.
"Shut up! Fifty points from Griffendor! Neville, you look like a putrid worm as usual, why don't you just die or something! Potter! Stop blinking! Granger! Start crying, idiot! 300 points from Griffindor! Yes, Malfoy?" said Snape. "I didn't ask anything, sir." said Malfoy. "Good, very polite and smart of you, Malfoy! Let's say, oh, 800 points to Slyterine. Now, today we'll be making an Enemy Potion. Some of you Slytherins should pay close attention, you may wish to use this on a Gryffinedor. If you make it strong enough, you may even be able to kill one of them." said Snape. He eyed Harry. "Here we are. We'll need all these ingredients... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." said Snape.
Lockhart was beating against the inside of the jar, looking at Hermione. Maybe she would recognize his glaring white teeth! Lockhart didn't know if he had teeth anymore, but he put all of his charm into trying to smile. THe girl was ignoring him! She kept scribbling her bloomin' notes, paying attention to the instructions. Lockhart knocked himself headfirst against the glass in despair and slid to the bottom of the jar.
"...cottage cheese, 2 dingy socks, a bath bead, and this...a gnat!" said Snape, finishing up his list of ingredients for the potion and grabbing the jar. He held it up. Snape looked at the jar evilly, then unscrewed the lid. Suddenly, Lockhart rushed out of the jar, flying past Snape's hand. "Damn it!" said Snape. He grabbed his wand and cast a spell, but Lockhart hand already flown into Hermione's hair. "I got it, 'Ermioneee..." said Ron, trying to pick the gnat out of Hermione's BIG, BUSHY HAIR. "Ron! Ron, it's going further in! Eeaayyaagg, I can feel it!" said Hermione. "Don't worry, I'll fish it out." said Ron, concentrating on trying to locate the bug. Harry just stared off into space.
Snape put his hands on his hips. "Granger, that ugly hair of yours is costing this class valuable time, you worthless..." said Snape. "HEY! SHUT UP!" roared Ron. "What did you say." said Snape. "Your heard me, bag of , I SAID LAY OFF HER, SO SHUT UUUUPPP!" screeched Ron, his voice strained in fury like some metal rocker. Snape literally exploded with rage.
"Well, look at that!" said Harry, peering down at the remains of Snape, which lay on the floor. "I guess we can do whatever we want now!" said Ron. Hermione looked down happily at the remains, but she still wished the gnat was out of her hair. Ron was feeling for it with both hands as he looked at the black spot and bits of Snape that lay on the floor.
"Oh, no!" said Malfoy, agast. "What are we gonna do from now on!" he asked Crabbe and Goyle. "I dunno, boss, what you want we should do!" said Crabbe. Malfoy slapped Crabbe and then he looked around, freaked out. "This can't be happening! No, no, nnnooooo!" said Malfoy. He lept up on the desk.
"I've got it, Hermione! I've got it, luv!" said Ron. "R...Ron. Did you just call me..." said Hermione. Ron blushed. "Why...yes. Yes, I did." said Ron.
"I'll never pass this class without a teacher who doesn't care how badly I'm doing. What if Fatha can't replace him adequately! What if the next teacher is... fair! What if I don't own the class anymore! Dear Lord, I'm having an episode!" said Malfoy. Malfoy fell over onto the floor, then pulled himself back into his chair. He was panting and disoriented. Malfoy clutched his chest with one hand and clutched Goyle's shoulder with the other, and started falling back in his chair. "Uh, oh, Malfoy's havin' a heart attack!" said Goyle.
"So you like me, Ron? Honestly?" said Hermione, smiling. "Of course, Hermione. Sheesh, I thought you knew." said Ron, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down. "Oh, Ronaldton." said Hermione. "So does that mean...mean you feel the same about me?" asked Ron. "Of course I do, Ron!" said Hermione. Ron looked up, happily, and Hermione grabed him by the shoulders and pulled him close for a kiss. Harry looked at them from where he was playing with a rubic's cube, and he smiled.
"Ooohh, his fingers are so greasy..." said Lockhart, still held by Ron. Lockhart was drowning in the oils. He was used to that, from his own hairdo, but this was worse than formerly. Lockhart tried biting Ron's thumb. "Ouch!" said Ron. Confused, Ron looked at his thumb, accidentally letting go of Lockhart. "Cripes." said Lockhart, flying to the other side of the room to catch his breath. He landed on the window sill.
"HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!" said Malfoy. "Oh! I'll fix it." said Hermione, standing up. She went over to Malfoy and took out her wand, casting a spell. Malfoy began to breath normally, and he lay sprawled out on the floor, looking sickly. "You'll pay for that, mudblood." said Malfoy. "Draco, put a cork in it, you stooge!" said Ron. "Ooooohhhhhhh, terrified, really! I am in a state of extreme alarm, you poverty stricken drip!" said Malfoy. "You shut your gob, you twisted little bigot, else I'll stick m' fist in it! And Snape won't do anything, because he's dead now, innit!" said Ron. Malfoy sat back in stunned shock, staring at the destroyed Snape. Suddenly, Malfoy leaned forward in his seat, wide eyed. He pointed at the destroyed Snape. "He's moving!" gasped Malfoy.
"He's... reforming!" Hermione said, astonished. Like liquid metal, the pieces of Snape began flowing back together in a puddle. Ron moaned. Meanwhile, Lockhart had been working hard to try to spell out "Help me" in the dust on the windowsill with his body. Now he just had to get the attention of the class. Lockhart took a deep breath, fearfully, and then charged back towards Hermione. He flew around Hermione's head, trying to be as annoying as possible. "It's that bloody gnat again. I'll get it this time." said Ron. He pulled out a fly swatter from under the desk and stood up. Lockhart flew away, towards the window, and Ron chased him. Lockhart landed on the window sill, praying tha Ron would read his message and understand. Ron raised the swatter and approached the window sill.
"POTTER!" roared Snape, fully reformed. He pulled out his wand. Before he could do anything, lightning struck the room. It blasted through the window, zapping Lockhart. The magic grapefruit that had cursed him was coursing through Lockhart's body, and the lightning made the effect go haywire. Lockhart grew to the size of a beachball. Several students screamed. Snape pointed his wand at the bug. "What the $ are you, what are you doing here!" Snape yelled, alarmed and angry. "Sir, how did you manage to reform after blowing up?" asked Hermione, too curious to hold back any longer. Snape slowly turned his head to look at her. "A question like that should be punishable by death, but since it's not, I'll simply have to make you test this potion when I finally get done making it. It should be an extra strong batch when I get that gnat in there, now that it's grown to a hundred times its former size!" said Snape. "Wait a second..." said Ron, frowning and looking at the "Help me" writing on the window sill. "Uh, Professor Snape, I don't think this is any normal gnat. That's what I think." said Ron. "Who cares what you think!" said Snape. He fired his wand at the gnat. Lockhart flew behind Ron's head, and Snape fired again. "NOOOOOO!" screamed Hermione, as Ron fell to the ground. "Oh, he'll live. I haven't murdered one of you little turds yet, have I? I'm a hero." said Snape. He fired again at the gnat. This time, he got it. Lockhart fell to the ground beside Ron, landing with a heavy thud.
"Uuuggh! Oh, no! I can't believe how much weight I've gained!" said Lockhart, scrambling to get up. Snape cast another spell and began floating Lockhart back to him. Lockhart found himself being pulled through the air towards Snape open hand. Suddenly, at the instant when Snape's open hand touched Lockhart's beachball sized gnat body, lightning struck again, and it struck Snape's hand. The lightning electrified both of them and Snape's wand. There was an explosion of teal light and Snape fell over. Everyone looked at him. The gnat was no where to be seen.
Snape coughed and groaned. "Oh, dear, I can't take much more of... oh, my voice! My... but this is dreadful, it isn't my voice! What, what's happening!" said Snape, standing up. "OOoohhh! YESS! I'm a human again! I'm back! Lockhart is back!" cried Snape. Some of the class gasped, some laughed, and some stared in shock. "It's me, children! Your brave and beautiful gaurdien is back!" Snape said, grinning. That's because it wasn't really Snape, but Lockhart. The lightning, combined with the weird circumstances, had caused Snape's soul to be replaced with Lockharts. The wide, proud smile on Snape's face spread fear throughout the classroom. "Pro...professor, you ok?" whispered a Slytherin. "I'm fine, dear! Just fine! I mean, I must admit, I was frightened for a moment there, when old Professor Slimey was trying to toss me in his potion, but now, I... say, where is that wanker? Hmm..." said Lockhart, looking around himself. "Uggh, this robes! So dull and dreary, who put these on me! Wait a second..." said Lockhart, examing the black hair that he just noticed around his face. Swallowing dryly, he walked rasped, "Does anyone have a mirror.". A Slytherin tossed him a small pocket mirror. Lockhart lifted it to his face, and a blood curdling scream echoed throughout Hogwarts.
Eventually, it was time for Potions to be over. The class just sat there for about an hour, and then McGonnigal came in. "What in the name of the Lord... Severus! What is happening here! Who did this? Neville...?" said McGonigal. Neville shook his head and shrugged. "Ma'am, it was...it was all a freak accident..." said Hermione. She explained what had happened. McGonigall didn't believe that for one second. She used her wand to lift Snape's body and float it out into the hallway. "Oy, da boss needs some help too." said Crabbe. McGonigal looked back and Saw Malfoy still laying still as a corpse on the floor. She floated him out into the hallway, too, and left the room.
To be continued...