Mission: Almost Impossible
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story, a handful of characters, and the licensing rights of pineapples. Everything else is owned by Capcom.
Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on the most mundane missions you could imagine.
IMPORTANT: As of April 14, 2013, this chapter has been revised to have better writing and, more importantly, better laughs! Please enjoy. :)
Chapter 1: I Need Some Lavender Scented Candles
President Graham's head nodded mindlessly as he listened to his mother drone on and on about things she apparently thought were important, such as the economic crisis and other national issues. He honestly wasn't paying attention and wished she would just shut up. He loved his mother dearly, but listening to her nag made him want to bash his head into the desk, especially involving things that had no relevance to him. It wasn't as if he was the leader of the country or anything.
"Mommy, I need to go!" He cried suddenly. "Some guys just kidnapped me and are holding me for ransom! Bye!"
He immediately hung up, exhaling in relief. "I need a bath..." He stood up. "Let's see...Where are my candles?"
He began searching for his dearly-beloved candles and as he did so, he tripped over a box laying randomly on the floor. "Oh, God damn it, that hurt! What the hell?" He peeked at the object that tripped him and smiled. "Oh, there they are."
The box was then opened, revealing all of the various candles. Cherry, blueberry, lemon, vanilla, Frankenberry, soap, hot dog, and lavender all lay in the box, unused. Upon further inspection, the lavender-scented candles weren't present and at this revelation, Graham nearly had a heart attack.
"W-Where?! What?! WHY?!" His first instinct was to call 911, but the operator hung up on him as soon as he tried to explain through heavy sobs that someone had stolen his lavender-scented candles. But after that, his eyes suddenly narrowed as a name popped into his head, the name of the person most likely responsible for such an atrocity. "Grr...ASHLEY!"
Footsteps were heard running down the hall and the President's daughter appeared in the doorway, looking nervous. She squeaked out, "Yes, Daddy?" as she let herself in.
"Ashley, did you kidnap my lavender-scented candles?! If you did, I'll have to put you up for adoption like I did the last time! You know those joints are my FAVORITE. Like, my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE. I would KILL YOU in the name of lavender-scented candles. That's how much I love them."
"No, Daddy, I didn't."
Ashley was visibly startled when her father shouted at her, "YOU'RE LYING TO ME. YOU'RE GROUNDED."
"Daddy, I'm twenty! You can't ground me! Besides, I'm not lying to you!"
"YES, YOU ARE, AND I'LL PUT YOU UP FOR ADOPTION FOR IT. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO BE PUT UP FOR ADOPTION AGAIN?"
Ashley gave a heavy sigh. "No, Daddy, but I swear to you that I didn't use them."
"Then maybe..." Graham gasped. "Jaws?! Oh, my God, if the dog ate them, I'm going to put HIM up for adoption! No, I couldn't...I love him too much."
Frowning at her father's words, the blonde replied, "Daddy, you know Jaws has been locked in the torture chamber all day for biting Uncle Fred in the-"
"Don't remind me of my poor brother's new lack of light saber!" President Graham whimpered, then sighed himself. "Go get Leon and Krauser for me, would you, dear?"
"Yes, Daddy." Ashley left the Oval Office to began her search for the two agents. It didn't take her long to find them, seeing as she could easily guess where they were.
Unbeknownst to those who weren't employed at the White House, there was a multitude of different rooms that seemed odd or unnecessary, like the cardboard box room or the junk food room; even the game room, stockpiled with all the latest handheld systems and consoles and almost every game released for them was lined neatly on numerous shelves. Graham insisted these rooms were vital additions to the White House, and who was to argue with the President?
In the game room, Leon was lounging on the couch, playing a game on his outdated PSP with one leg draped over the arm while the other was slung over the back. Krauser was sleeping soundly in one of the multi-colored beanbag chairs, snoring like a monster truck and slowly sinking into the chair as though it were swallowing him.
Ashley stood in the doorway and knocked on the open door to get the agents' attention. "Uh...Leon, Krauser?"
"Go away, Ashley. I'm on the eighty-ninth level of Kill Kill Revolution and I'll go on a killing spree if anyone stops me from getting to the one-hundredth level," Leon mumbled, not bothering to look up from his game.
"My father wants to see you guys right away and if you don't come, HE'S gonna go on a killing spree."
Leon paused, both figuratively and literally: as he stopped to think, he paused his game. His boss going on a killing spree would be rather bad, especially when he and Krauser would most likely be the first two victims, innocent or not.
Deciding he wanted to live, he said, "Okay, hold on. Let me save my game." Afterwards, Leon threw the gaming device at Krauser, smacking him square in the head with it. "Krauser! Wake up, you asshole!"
Krauser's eyes snapped open and he glanced about the room in a dazed fashion, wondering what the hell had just hit him. "Huh...? Wha...? Are we under attack...?"
"The President wants to see us. Come on." Leon got up from the couch.
"Oh, what did we do NOW?" The commando groaned as he tried to get up, but was unable to because he had sunken so deep into the beanbag. He flailed his arms and legs to free himself, but it was no use. Realizing he couldn't get out, he began to scream like a little girl. "Oh, my God! Help! Help me! It's eating me ALIIIIVE!"
Leon snickered as he watched the elder man.
Krauser, shocked by his fellow agent's cruelty, yelled, "It's not funny, damn it! Help me or I'll eat YOU!"
The brunette frowned, trying to figure out how Krauser could possibly do that, then decided he'd rather not find out the hard way and walked over the beanbag to help his comrade out. "Krauser, gimme your hand." He offered one of his hands, which Krauser eagerly accepted.
"Help me!" The older agent dry sobbed. "Oh, Jesus, I can feel it digesting me already!"
"You're out of the chair now!"
Quieting his sobs, Krauser looked around. He was standing upright, out of the damned beanbag chair. He let out a whimper of joy as he wrapped his arms around Leon. "Oh, my God, I'm alive!"
"Will you guys hurry up?!" Ashley growled. "We don't have all day and lives may be at stake! Don't you care?!"
"Fine, kid! God DAMN," Krauser muttered before letting go of Leon and the two agents followed Ashley to the Oval Office, where the President was sitting at his desk, hugging his candlebox to his chest and dry sobbing like there was no tomorrow. He was even in the processing of dialling 911 again.
"Daddy, I found Leon and Krauser," the girl announced, sounding a little awkward as she watched her father's breakdown.
President Graham opened his eyes, staring at them for a few seconds before he quickly chucked the box over into a corner, hitting a picture with it by mistake and causing the frame to shatter on the floor next to the box. He straightened himself up and cleared his throat in a failed attempt at looking composed. Nodding, he said, "Thank you, Ashley. You can go now."
"Thank you, God," Ashley murmured upon leaving.
"What did you want to see us for, Mr. President?" Leon asked. "It must be pretty important if you were thinking about going on a killing spree. At least I HOPE it's something important."
Graham pointed at them with a pen. "I have a mission for you two. I'm not sure if you'll come back alive or not, but...I do have faith in you. Sort of. I think, I dunno."
Krauser bit his lip. "What do we gotta do? Will it hurt?"
"I want you to..."
Both agents stood before the electronic doors of Wal-Mart, the older of the two appearing extremely pissed while the other wore a blank expression.
Krauser growled, trying to keep himself from screaming like a wild animal. "I can't believe this! What kind of freaking stupid mission is this?! Buying stupid scented candles at the stupid Wal-Mart just because the stupid President lost his stupid candles and he's too stupid to go to the stupid Wal-Mart himself and buy the stupid candles himself so then he can-!"
"Okay, Krauser! Do a monolog, why don't ya?!" The brunette sighed before returning his gaze to the Wal-Mart sign above the doors. "Well, at least we know we'll be going home to see our families again after this."
"I HAVE no family! You always remind me about that! Stop it!"
"Sorry. Uh...Here." Leon dug around in his pockets for loose change, handing over whatever he had to Krauser. "Now go somewhere. Remember, don't play in the parking lot."
The blond waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, I know. 'Don't play in the parking lot or you'll get hit by an airplane.'"
"Whatever the hell you find and get mangled by in a parking lot!"
"Just go play with the vending machines or something!" Leon added, "And hit me up on the radio in case something happens, but if you tell me you played in the parking lot and got hit by something, I'm not gonna help you. I'm just gonna laugh."
"Gee, I love you, too, Leon," The commando said sarcastically before heading over to the vending machines.
Leon inhaled deeply, preparing himself to enter the store. "I'm going in! Krauser, cover me!"
Krauser, not listening, once more waved the younger agent off and put some change into the machine and selected a soda.
Screaming wildly, the brunette ran through the automatic doors as they parted for him like the Red Sea. He screeched to a halt when he was inside, nearly toppling over a stack of canned tuna. "Ah...I made it..." He took out his radio and buzzed Krauser. "Krauser, this is Leon. Can you hear me? Krauser?"
"Yeah, I hear ya," Krauser replied lazily.
"Everything looks clear, so you can-" A noise interrupted him, a noise which reminded him of glass shattering, then there came a car alarm in the distance.
"Yes! Bull's eye!"
"Krauser, what the hell are you doing?"
"Actually, ya know what? I'm afraid to hear what you're really up to, so I'll nod my head even though you can't see and pretend I believe you. So, are you coming in?"
"In a minute. I'm gonna see how long I can ride one of those mechanical horses when I shove all the quarters in the slot at once."
"Fine then! I don't need you, Krauser! I hope you ride it! I hope you ride it HARD!" Leon shoved the walkie-talkie back into his pocket, glancing about him when he noticed all the stares he was getting. Thinking back on it, that last spiteful comment did sound a bit...crude. Chuckling sheepishly, he excused himself and slipped over to the aisle that housed the scented goods.
The search for lavender-scented candles proved to be harder than anticipated when Leon spent the next half hour looking over every shelf on that aisle, the lavender-scented objects nowhere in sight or smell.
"Damn it!" He grumbled.
A long line of parents and impatient children gathered at the mechanical horse, which Krauser was still riding. With the change Leon had given him and all that he had stolen from the vending machine after he grew bored of throwing unopened soda cans at cars, he would probably be on the horse for another twenty minutes or so.
"I am SO bored," The agent complained to himself. "And my ass is SO numb from sitting here."
"Then get off!" One of the fathers shouted at him.
"YOU get off!"
"Mommy, tell that man to get off!" the little girl at the front of the line whined to her mother.
The girl's mother, looking desperate, asked Krauser, "Sir, would you please get off that horse so my daughter can get on?"
"Up yours, lady!" he snapped. "This is America! I can plant my fat ass on any horse I please! Unless this thing stops in the next five seconds, my ass is NOT leaving this spot!"
"Don't yell at my mommy!" the little girl snapped back.
"Child, don't talk to me. I'm too sexy for your association. Recognize."
"You're not sexy! You're no Steve Buscemi! Your face is covered in yucky scars!" Her expression turned dreamy and she clasped her hands together, resting her cheek on them. "Steve Buscemi..."
"Geez, girly, don't jizz in your-" And then it occurred to Krauser what he had said. "Wait, Steve Buscemi?" He pointed at her mother and told her that's why she shouldn't have drank excessively while pregnant before glaring back at the little girl. "You wanna take this outside? You wanna go at it?!"
"We ARE outside, mister!"
"Well...uh..." Krauser took a moment to think up a good comeback. He smirked as soon as a good one came to mind. He retorted with, "Justin Bieber likes it Brokeback Mountain style!" even though the little girl was too young to understand what that meant.
The child's mother gasped, then slapped Krauser across the face. "How DARE you talk to my daughter that way! She's just a little girl!" She grabbed her daughter's hand and led her away. "Come on, sweetie. We're going to the Wal-Mart down the road."
The little girl gazed at Krauser over her shoulder and stuck her tongue out at him, ending in him mimicking her. She then looked up at her mother and asked what it meant to like it 'Brokeback Mountain style,' to which her mother reacted by slapping her in the face and telling her she was going to be baptized the next day to purify her mind and her mouth.
Screaming in frustration and beating the floor with his fists, Leon had given up. He no longer cared about all the weird looks he was getting. He just wanted to find some damn lavender-scented candles and go home. Grumbling to himself, he stood and headed for the exit.
"I'm going to Target!" he declared. "Stupid Wal-Mart has EVERYTHING except for stupid lavender-scented candles! That is bullshit!"
A girlish shriek left his throat as he slipped on a wet spot and hit the floor face first. Groaning, he sat up, rubbing his sore face and dabbing his fingers under his nose to see if there was any blood.
"Sorry, sir," an employee holding a mop and wet-floor sign apologized, embarrassed. "I was just about to put down the sign."
With a crazed, feral growl, Leon ripped the mop from the man's grip and smacked him upside the head with it, knocking him to the floor. "This is what you get for not having lavendar-scented candles!" He made to leave, but once again he slipped on the wet floor and fell. "Oh, God damn it!"
Krauser was still riding on the mechanical horse by the time Leon managed to leave the store, looking bored and nonchalantly sipping a soda. The line had long dispersed, seeing as Krauser was probably going to be riding on the damn horse for the rest of the afternoon.
The brunette agent quirked a brow as he approached the other agent. "Krauser, are you still riding that dumb horse? How long has it been? Ten minutes? Maybe eleven?"
"An hour," Krauser replied. "You've been in there a LONG time, Leon."
"Well, get off. We're going to Target. They don't have the President's candles here."
Krauser scoffed. "I could have told you that," he stated as he climbed off the horse, which was still in motion. "Ugh, my ass is so numb from just sitting here for so long."
Leon stared blankly at the scarred agent, not moving, not speaking. Slowly, he raised his hands to clutch at the collar of Krauser's shirt and he asked, shaking with irritation, "Why...the HELL...didn't you tell me this before?"
"Well, you never asked," Krauser said bluntly. The next thing he knew, he was on the ground with a sore cheek.
"Come on, Krauser." Leon shook his aching fist.
They both had to walk only a few feet because Target was situated right next to Wal-Mart.
"Isn't that convenient? Target right next to Wal-Mart?" Krauser asked, but Leon ignored him.
The men walked into the store cautiously, acting as though something was going to attack them at any moment. From previous experience, the idea didn't seem too far-fetched.
Krauser glanced at his companion. "Leon, let's split up."
Leon nodded and wandered off to search one half of the store while Krauser rifled through the other.
They hadn't parted ways for long when Leon's radio crackled to life with Krauser's voice."Leon, I found them!" He cried in triumph.
"Are you sure they're lavender-scented?"
"Jesus, Leon, what else would they be?!"
The brunette threw a knowing look at his radio despite Krauser being unable to see it. He knew the commando's track record better than anyone else and, well, his reliability wasn't exactly the best. "You're sure they're the ones?"
"Are you absolutely positive they-"
"Yes, I'm damn sure they're what the President wants! Now meet me at the cash register!"
Leon nodded. "Roger. Can do."
"It's Jack! Or Krauser. Whichever way you want to slice it."
Krauser was already in line, tapping his foot impatiently for Leon. He hadn't been waiting long, but he was so absorbed in it that he didn't even notice Leon standing right next to him. When Leon finally spoke up, Krauser was startled by his sudden presence.
"NEVER DO THAT AGAIN," the commando shouted at the smirking agent, who also appeared slightly battered in the face.
Leon asked, "How long have you been waiting here?"
"Um..." Krauser took a quick glance at his phone. "Almost ten minutes. You should've been here sooner than that! What were you doing in the meantime?"
"Nothing...I was just...staring at women's cans."
"Oh, brother..." Krauser shook his head even though they both knew well enough that the elder agent was not above that.
"But, Krauser, you don't understand! This lady, she was getting a bunch of cans labelled in a language I couldn't figure out! They were HUGE and I just...I was staring at her cans, trying to decode this alien language and she got pissed off at me because she thought I was staring at her cans and she reached into her cart and slapped me in the face with a handful of her cans." As if to slightly change the subject, Leon pointed at the cart of the old woman currently at the register. "God, that old lady has so many cans! And other things. Do you think she's related to Bill Gates? She'd have to be to afford all that."
Krauser snorted. "Nah, she looks more like she's related to that guy I hate."
"You know. That guy. He thinks he's such a pretty boy and he thinks he's all that, but he's not. You don't even it get it, Leon. I mean, sometimes I just want to take a dump in this guy's coffee or something. And it has nothing to do with jealousy! Who'd be jealous of his...suave, pretty-boy looks? In fact, that guy, he's standing right beside me." Strangely, Krauser had become so engrossed in his rant that he completely forgot Leon was the one standing next to him and it was in fact Leon he was speaking about.
The pretty boy glared daggers at him. "Don't blame me for having a face that the ladies like."
"Well, you know what?!" Krauser started. "I have something that the ladies like a lot more than your stupid face! It's a lot better than your stupid face will ever be!"
"Oh, yeah?! What is it?"
In the nick of time, the cashier said "Next person in line, please," putting an end to what most likely would have turned out to be a ridiculous, obscene fight. Granted, the scarred agent was actually going to say, "di Calabria cologne."
Krauser dropped the candles onto the conveyer belt while Leon fished out his wallet and struck up conversation with the young cashier. "You won't believe the hell we went through just to get these stupid candles," he said.
The cashier giggled, "Well, that's life." Then her eyes went wide in recognition. "Oh, my God! I know who you are! You're that guy who was on TV with the President when he was giving a boring speech." She added with a flutter of her lashes, "I only watched it because of you."
Leon, flattered and uncomfortable, mumbled, "Uh...thank you, I think."
"I wouldn't normally do this, buuuut...You can have them on the house." She grew perplexed as the brunette agent burst into a bout of dry sobbing. "Um, sir...Are you...alright?"
"My wallet can't thank you enough..." the poor agent sobbed as he gathered up the candles and headed for the exit. "Let's go, Krauser..."
"Wait, I need to remove the security tags!" But she was too late and the alarms started to blare.
Assuming they were going to be arrested and being far too pretty for prison, Leon cried, "Run, Krauser!"
President Graham was sincere in his concern over the welfare of the two agents, but much to his delight, they returned at last, unscatched for the most part and with his precious lavender-scented candles.
"You made it! Excellent job, gentlemen!" Graham said as he took the candles from Leon. "Ah...My babies...I will sniff you now!" The instant he took a whiff of their glorious lavender scent, his eyes grew to the size of saucers and he chucked them across the room in disgust.
"What'd you do that for?!" Krauser growled.
"Where did you get those candles?!"
Flailing around in what could only be described as a choleric epileptic fit, the President groused, "I wanted the ones from Pier 1, not from Target! The Pier 1 candles have a pure scent! Target is artificial and laced with a chemical undertone that makes angels die!"
Leon wasn't sure whether to be pissed about their mission gone futile or laugh at the President's expense. He chose to be pissed. "Well why didn't you tell us before?!"
"I thought you knew!" After calming down and sliding back into his chair, Graham sighed heavily. "I guess I'll have to send out Ashley to fix this..."
Throwing his hands up, the younger agent cried, "Do what you want! We're going back to the game room and we're not coming out for anything until it's time to go home!" Promptly, the two of them left to take their frustrations out on the ever classic Left 4 Bread, the best and only zombified-bread game in existence.
Wow. I have been meaning to update the older chapters for the longest time. Like, I already started rehashing this chapter long ago, but I kind of left it and forgot about it. I happened to find the file just a few hours ago, which was dated October of...2009! :O
I hope you guys enjoyed the new chapter one and stay alert for more fine tuning of the next chapters! :D