Mission: Almost Impossible

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.


Chapter 37: Umbrella's End Part I


Wesker's lips were curled into a feline-like smile as he sat in his lavishly-decorated bathtub. The whole bathroom was a new addition to his office at Umbrella. Seeing as his office was located in a corner, the bathroom was literally added onto the side of the building with no means to support the large room from underneath. Most saw it as a safety hazard, but Wesker merely brushed them off. They were just jealous he had the most kick-ass bathroom ever in his office, after all. Since when was safety ever a concern, anyways?

With a pink shower cap on his head and a little rubber ducky floating amongst the bubbles, Wesker felt like a king in his tub. A god, even. That was his problem, that god complex that seemed to bubble up from nowhere one day. He was always blathering about how he was destined to be a god and rule all of humanity and other things that Sergei and Krauser tuned out. Other times, they would smack him in the back of the head with something hard until he fell to the floor and stopped moving. It was a quick fix and rather painful on Wesker's end, but at least they were free of that god talk for a few hours.

The door was suddenly slammed open and Wesker responded automatically with a shout and his hands rose to his chest, covering his nipples as though his man chest would offend.

Krauser entered, waddled quickly over to the toilet before unzipping his fly and began to relieve himself.

"Krauser!" Wesker growled. "Can't you see I'm taking a BATH?"

Krauser glanced at him and shrugged. "I don't mind."

"This is MY bathroom. You aren't allowed to be in MY bathroom, especially while I'M in here. Don't you have any decency!"

"Hey, you're the one naked here, not me." Krauser finished and began washing his hands. "You need to learn how to share, Wesker. I knew a guy once who never shared with anyone in his life and one day, he got hit by a car and died."

The elder blond frowned. "What does getting hit with a car have to do with sharing?"

"Uh…I dunno, but the point is he died and if you don't share, you'll die, too!"

Wesker scoffed. "That's ridiculous. I'll never die. Not eve-" The water on the other end of the large tub shifted and sloshed like something was moving underneath it. Wesker watched it with a peaked brow, wondering what was going on when something suddenly emerged from the water. Wesker drew back until his back was pressed against the side of the tub, shocked, and Krauser shrieked like a girl.

It was Sergei, fully clothed and holding something in a plastic lunch bag to keep it from getting wet.

"How the HELL did you get in here?" Wesker exclaimed, looking around at the tub, mind utterly blown. "How is this possible!"

"Comrade!" Sergei cried, ignoring Wesker's inquiries. "You have to see this!" He held the baggy out to Wesker, who rudely snatched it up and pulled out the photos inside the bag. They appeared to be of a helicopter; one of Graham's. The pictures revealed the occupants inside to be Leon, Blade, and what looked like a steroid-abusing Chris Redfield.

Wesker was quiet for a moment before asking, "When were these taken?"

"A few minutes ago. They're on their way here. What should we do, comrade?" He was soundly slapped right after the question by Wesker.

"Isn't it obvious? We…" Wesker smirked. "We provide our guests with only the finest hospitality." On the inside, he was shitting himself. Not only had the other agents somehow managed to locate Umbrella's base, but also they had Chris and Chris looked to outweigh him from mere muscle mass alone. He looked like he could break Wesker in half between his fingers like a toothpick. That was not a good thing. If worse came to worst, he would hide behind Sergei and let him take care of Redfield.

Krauser, who couldn't see the photos from where he stood, asked very seriously, "Should I go get the wine and little cheese cubes?"

With a growl, Wesker motioned with his finger for the commando to come over and when he did, he slapped the man hard enough to send him sprawling on the floor.

Just then, little Nathan waddled in, his secretary glasses sitting on the bridge of his beak. "Hi," he said before giving a kiss.

"Nathan!" Krauser cried, sitting up with a grin.

"AARON," Wesker corrected him, hissing. He turned to Aaron. "What is it?"

Aaron proceeded to go on a tangent that sounded like baby talk consisting of a lot of M sounds. When he was done, all three humans looked puzzled, but Wesker also seemed quite pleased.

"A woman was caught infiltrating the building?" he asked. He stood up, draping an extremely small towel around his waist. "Probably Ada. I have to go see this."

There was a loud creaking noise, one that those present in the room could not figure out at first. Sergei and Krauser were quick to recognize this noise and, scooping up Aaron, darted out of the room. Wesker was standing there for a few more seconds, completely baffled, and it wasn't until it was too late that he realized the noise was caused by the room breaking off from the building and was going to fall. Everything began sliding over to one end of the room and Wesker sat back in the bathtub, gripping the rim until his knuckles were white.

"Oh, no no no no-" And then the room fell away with an audible crack. "NO!"

Krauser, Aaron, and Sergei stood there where the door and part of the wall had once been, staring down at the falling bathroom until it crashed and long seconds later, a broken voice echoed up, "I'm okay…"


On the helicopter, Leon and Blade sat on the bench seat opposite of Chris, Leon because the sheer size of the man made him openly weep out of fear and Blade simply because he felt like sitting there. Up in the front sat Jaws and the pilot, who happened to be Luke Maxwell. He'd give a terrified glance at the Colmillo every now and then, especially when the infected wolf would stare at him.

Their mission, according to the President, was simple. "Go get me some freaking chicken!" he'd slurred before passing out from his drunken stupor. Translated into the language of the sober, he meant to bring an end to Umbrella and bring the three traitors home. The only problem had been that neither Leon or Blade, nor any of the other agents, knew where the base was located. By chance, they had run into Luke, who knew exactly where this place was merely because he'd gone there with his father on some sort of business trip involving drink umbrellas. He promised them he would personally fly them over to the base under the premise that he could tag along afterwards and they would see to his safety, to which Leon had replied with, "Yeah, whatever."

Why Chris was even there was a rather interesting story. Shortly before Luke arrived to pick up the two agents, Leon was talking to Claire on the phone and he happened to mention the mission and what all it entailed. Chris, having been standing next to Claire, overheard everything and just a few seconds later, the front door of the White House was busted down and in came Chris, thirsting for Wesker's blood. This, of course, caused Leon to shriek like a girl because he thought Chris came over to kill him for talking to his sister and thought Leon was 'raping' her just like Graham would whenever he'd so much as look at Ashley. Blade, on the other hand, was extremely confused by the logic of Chris being with his sister, who was miles away from there, and appear at the White House within mere seconds.

As for Jaws...Well, he had simply snuck into the helicopter and nearly gave Luke a heart attack when he looked to his side before taking off and saw the Joker of canines there.

Leon had been done weeping for a while, focusing now on the mission and how he would have to face Krauser once again as an enemy. Krauser, his best friend, the man whom he goofed off with on the job and had playful fights with which involved beating the crap out of each other with hard French bread. And now…Krauser was probably going to jail after all this was through. Maybe…maybe Leon might even end up killing Krauser. The thought of that made Leon's girlish weeping start again and Chris was tempted to slap him, but he was afraid the simple action would snap his neck and kill him, so he held back.

"How much longer until we get there?" Blade asked Luke.

"Not much farther, mate!" he replied, and glad for that simply because he didn't like Jaws sitting so close to him.

"Wesker…" Chris growled, clenching his fists. He had a score to settle with the man, one he'd been needing to settle for years. He was going to make that man pay for what he did. He'd been preparing for this encounter for years; training, getting stronger. This was it. He was going to show Wesker what's what once and for all.


After Wesker was pulled from the wreckage of his bathroom, miraculously unharmed, and a back up bathroom was reattached with surprising quickness, Wesker went down with Krauser, Sergei, and Aaron to one of the laboratories to see just whom it was who had infiltrated the building. The minute Wesker's concealed eyes landed on the woman, he looked quite surprised.

"Are you kidding me?" He asked no one specifically. "Jill? Jill Valentine? What the hell is she doing here?"

Jill, currently unconscious, sat strapped to a mechanical chair, adorning some sort of black and purple cat suit.

"You're bad!" Aaron squealed at her.

Krauser questioned, "What should we do with her?"

Wesker was considering letting her go because he really didn't see her as much of a threat before an idea popped into his head. There was a device, a mind control device, that one of the researchers had invented and it still needed a test subject. This was the perfect opportunity to try it out. Picking up said-device, Wesker ordered, "Someone get the duct tape!"

Before long, the woman was released from her restraints and the device was attached to her chest. Wesker was pleased, and not just because he had groped Jill while she was unconscious. He felt this was going to turn out well.

"I'll wake her up," the Russian said before slapping Jill hard enough to knock her out of her seat. She laid there for a moment before grunting and rising to her feet wordlessly.

Wesker nodded. "Good job, Sergei," he said and then turned to Jill. He tapped a finger on his chin, humming as he thought of a first command. "Hmm…Punch yourself in the face."

Much to both Wesker and Sergei's surprise, not only did Jill actually perform the action, but Krauser punched himself in the face as well.

"Not you!" Wesker snapped at him. "My God…" With a shake of his head, the older blond stated he would be off doing some things and told Sergei, Krauser, and Aaron to have whatever fun they wished with the brunette, to which the commando and the Russian cackled evilly while Aaron laughed childishly.


"Wesker!" Chris screamed as he leaned dangerously far out of the helicopter. He cleared his throat, then shouted, "WESKER!" even louder. "WesKER! WEEEESKEEEEEER!"

"Shut the hell up!" Leon snarled as he and Blade covered their ears and Jaws whined from the front.

"What on earth are you doing?" Blade asked, the irritation evident in his tone.

"I'm practicing my dramatic cry for when I see Wesker," Chris explained casually. Inhaling deeply, he started his shouting again. "LEOOOOOOON! BLAAAAAADE! AUSTRAILIAAAAAAN GUUUUUUUUUUUY! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!"

Leon growled, one of his eyelids twitching. "NOW what are you doing!"

"I'm practicing in case one of you dies."

"It sounds like you're having sex with everyone! Stop it!" But Leon thought about it for a second. That was funny as hell, so he started banging on the walls of the helicopter with his fists to simulate a headboard beating against a wall and started tossing out names himself. "CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS! BLAAAAAAAADE! LUUUUUUUUUKE! LEOOOOO- Oh, wait, that's my name." Leon snickered quietly. "I'm having sex with myself."

The helicopter was within sight of the building and due to how loud the two brunettes were screaming, a few people inside could easily hear them. Unfortunately for them, one such individual was Wesker and he immediately headed to his bathroom with a rocket launcher to shoot the aerial transport down.

"You think you're going to get in here, Chris?" Wesker chuckled darkly. "Well, you're WRONG. You're as wrong as the construction workers were when they said this bathroom would fall a second time."

Unbeknownst to the sunglasses-wearer, the cement binding the newly-installed bathroom was beginning to crack noiselessly. He was far too busy locking the rocket launcher on the helicopter to notice it, specifically aiming for Chris' pelvis. What better way to blow someone up than by aiming at their crotch?

Just as the trigger was pulled, there was an audible snap and the bathroom went sailing to the ground once again, bringing a screaming Wesker with it. The timing of the room collapsing was just right; it caused Wesker's aim to be jerked out of line and the rocket instead shot straight up into the air, exploding in a bright display of white.

"Oh, my God! Fireworks!" Leon cried and stood with Chris to watch them in awe.

The flash from the rocket going off was so bright that it momentarily blinded Luke and he shouted, covering his eyes with his hands. Without control from the pilot, the helicopter ended up crashing right into the Umbrella building. The good news was that none were hurt and the even better news was that they had crashed into Krauser's office, where Aaron was.

"You're bad!" the parrot squealed at the helicopter.

The men and canine pulled themselves free of the wreckage, shaken but otherwise well. When they were in view, the little bird began greeting them with a repeated, "Hi," and numerous kisses.

"Crickey! Ain't he a cute little fella?" Luke cooed and scratched Aaron's head. "What's your name? You want a cracker?"

"Baaah," Aaron bleated.

"…What?"

Chris slapped the back of Luke's head. "We have to get going!" he shouted. "HURRY. Wesker might have left!"

"Come here!" Aaron commanded before he flew to the floor and started waddling into the hall. "Come!"

After a moment's contemplation, Blade headed to the door to follow the grey parrot. "Let's follow the parrot. Maybe he'll lead us somewhere useful."


Wesker nodded after his bathroom was once again reattached to where it was previously, pleased that it had only taken five minutes to do after it fell again. The speediness of the process should have been an indicator that it was faulty, but he gave not a shit. He was a god, or was going to be really soon, and gods didn't give a shit about anything except ruling over people and being depicted in paintings on ceilings touching fingers with naked people.

"Now to get down to business…" he murmured as he headed to one of the labs. Without this next vital part in his plan, there was no way he could even be considered fit to rule any sort of world; Uroboros. Not only that, but with the new inhuman powers that would be bestowed upon him, he would not have to worry at all about Chris kicking his ass into a pulp.

"Uroboros…" he said with a delightful shudder, fondling the syringe in his hand. Swiftly, he stuck the needle in his arm and injected the substance into himself, smirking as his ego soared with thoughts of power and nude paintings.

The door to the lab was loudly kicked open, taking Wesker by surprise and out of reflex, he threw the used syringe at whomever it was.

"Ouch!" Sergei hissed as the needle stabbed him in the shoulder.

"Sergei! Don't startle me like that."

"You better not have AIDS…" he muttered as he pulled the needle free of his flesh and tossed it in the biohazard bin. "I came to tell you that they're in the building."

"Good! I can test my Uroboros on them…"

"Uroboros? You mean that stuff that makes you jazz in your pants every time you say the name?"

Wesker frowned at him. "You're just jealous because you want Uroboros and you cannot have it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my pants…After that's done, get Jill and we can go greet our guests."

Yet another problem Wesker was encountering; jizzing his pants at the thought of Uroboros. That in itself was problematic and strange enough, but an even bigger stunning revelation was the slowly surfacing suspicion that Wesker had some sort of oddball fetish for globes and saturating them. Sergei and Krauser hoped that globes was some sort of metaphor for some sort of body part, but they were becoming more and more doubtful of that.

As Wesker hurried past Sergei to exit the lab, the Russian was thinking that perhaps some therapy was necessary for the blond.


"Come!" Aaron said for what had to be the millionth time in ten minutes, acting like he was impatient despite the fact that everyone was struggling not to out-walk him.

"We're COMING…" Leon grumbled. Where ever this African Grey was leading them, it had better be important or he'd barbeque the parrot later.

"Stop!"

At the bird's request, the men and wolf came to a halt inside of a massive room that seemed like a construction of machinery. All the way at the end of the room, there sat what looked like the start of a maze.

"Wesker's here," Chris said with haste, taking his equipped gun and cocking it. "I can feel it." He then cocked the other seven firearms on his person.

Leon threw him a skeptical look. "How can you 'feel' it?"

"Trust me on this, Leon!"

Within a few moments, the double doors on one side of the room opened and in walked the trio of Sergei and Wesker with a third person in a cloak, presumably a woman from the height and the heeled shoes the figure wore.

"Oh, my God, the steroid dude was right!" Luke gasped.

Wesker sneered at the group, focusing on Chris. "Chris…"

Chris returned the look. "Wesker…"

Blade also shot the man a look of disdain. How tempted he was to just shoot the other male in sunglasses after such a betrayal, but he managed to sustain his self-control. An act of self-vengeance could wait until later.

"Wesker, you asshole! You're gonna be in SO much trouble with the Prez when we take you back to the White House! You, too, Sergei!" Leon shouted, shaking a fist at them. "And who the hell is that guy? Is it Krauser?"

"No, it's-" Sergei started, but was stopped when Wesker slapped him in the face and knocked him to the floor.

"I get to say it!" he snapped before clearing his throat and calming himself. "No, Leon, this isn't Krauser. This is…" he reached behind the cloaked woman and lowered her hood, revealing the face of Jill Valentine, but with blond hair tied back, the length of it a few inches longer than her trademark haircut. Wesker was, to say the least, stunned. If he had remembered correctly, Jill had short brown hair when he'd left her with Krauser, Sergei, and Aaron. "What the hell?"

Chris was just as shocked. "Ji…Jill?"

Wesker turned to the tall Russian. "Sergei, what the hell did you do to her?"

Looking absolutely deviant, Sergei started. "Well…"


Flashback…

"I've got it!" Krauser suggested enthusiastically. "You! Bitch!" He pointed at Jill. "Go dunk your head in those chemicals!" He then pointed to the sink full of a clear liquid that definitely was not water.

Of course, due to the mind control device, Jill went to the sink with no hesitation and dunked her head in. When she pulled it back out and stood upright again, all seemed well for a few seconds…and then all at once, her hair fell out.

The men and the bird appeared shocked at this and quickly they tried to think of a solution. Sergei thought that cloak he'd seen in one of the other rooms would do well and thus he darted out to get it. However, when he returned, Jill had hair once again; a pale blond that went down past her shoulders in a low ponytail.

"I got a wig," Krauser said with a proud beam.

"Good boy!" Aaron chirped.

"A wig? My God, Krauser, it looks so…realistic." Sergei stepped closer to Jill to inspect her hair and when he went to tug at the tail, the wig did not budge. "Krauser?"

"Yes?" the commando answered.

"Why is this wig not coming off?"

"Because…"

"Krauser, did you glue this to her head?"

Krauser bit his lip like he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Not glued." He held up a small tube for Sergei to see. The label clearly said it was an industrial-strength brand of super glue. "SUPER glued."

"…While I admire your quick thinking and while it does look like real hair, I still have to tell you that you are a dumbass."

"But-!"

"This is NEVER going to come off of her head. Do you realize that? This brand does not make a solvent to unbind the glue."

"…Well, she's gonna save money on haircuts in the future."

End of Flashback…


Wesker was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "Krauser super glued a wig to her head?"

Sergei nodded. "Yes, comrade, he super glued a wig to her head. And it's never going to come off."

"Sergei?"

"Yes?"

"That is the funniest thing I have ever heard."

"You bastards!" Chris snapped, training his gun on Wesker. "Jill is NOT supposed to be blonde and her hair is NOT supposed to be that long! You're just…You're just a bunch of sick bastards!"

Wesker chuckled. "Well, if you're so upset about it…" And then, in an uncharacteristically flamboyant singsong, he said, "You'll have to catch me!" as he darted into the maze. Sergei stood there for a few seconds, wondering what he should do before he followed Wesker into the maze, thinking it would be safer there than out in the open. As he ran, he ordered for Jill to attack them.

Using moves the men had only seen in The Matrix, Jill came towards them. Leon and Luke screamed girlishly in intimidation and sprinted into the maze for safety. Needless to say, Chris and Blade took off after them for the same reason and Jaws tailed them only because he felt lonely.


Huzzah! Finally, I have updated! This chapter feels rather bland to me, but I guess that's to do with the fact that I haven't worked on M:AI in well over a year, I started and finished it in one whole afternoon, and I'm just sort of tired with this storyline. That's why this chapter is the start of the end. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is the end of the fanfic, but I mean this little saga is going to end because there's really not much humor in it, so yeah.

I wanted to do sort of a parody of RE5, but I didn't want to do a whole fanfic about it, so I incorporated some of RE5's storyline in this chapter and I will in the next few.

Also, the line where Leon is weeping in fear is a direct reference to Hetalia when Italy is singing a song he made for Germany. I freaking LOVE that song so much, especially since I'm part German, lol.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this and if not, well…hopefully the next chapter will be a lot better!