I'm Giving You My Memories
Kaidou yawned and curled up with Inui's pillow as the smell of eggs and waffles wafted in from downstairs. The pair had been dating for a little over a year. Inui had told him, as he left Seigaku for the last time, that he was attracted to Kaidou and the kouhai had made a point of keeping in touch. Now Kaidou was partly through his first year of high school and they were very close. Kaidou was quite happy to learn that despite his terrifying juices, Inui was an exceptional cook. Not only that, but the older boy enjoyed cooking romantic dinner for them and surprising Kaidou with breakfast in bed. The latter usually only occurred after certain late night exercises, as Kaidou otherwise didn't sleep in, but it was always nice when he did.
Kaidou stretched and looked at the clock, 7:23:51 am. He noticed that one of the notebooks in the stack on Inui's desk was askew and he slipped out of bed to straiten the pile. This was one of the small ways the two showed their affection, Inui didn't hide them – showing that he trusted Kaidou, and Kaidou would make sure they were left alone and in neat order for when they were wanted. This time however, as the words 'Kaoru-Chan's Secret Data' became apparent on the front of the askew notebook, Kaidou's curiosity took over. He pulled it from the stack and ran his calloused hands over the cover. He had never looked in any of Inui's notebooks without Inui expressly pointing out a specific piece of data; even then it was rare. But what could be the harm in looking at information on himself?
He flipped it open with the slightest hint of hesitation, what kind of information could Inui have on him that would fill up its own notebook? At first it was the sort of thing one would expect; height weight, percent body fat, hair color, eye color, playing style…Then came the information that was more personal; the names of his family members, the fact that he liked cute fuzzy animals, that he was scared of ghosts, why he wore bandanas, why he didn't wear socks, why he hissed, why he hated Momoshiro, what he wanted to do after school…some of it made him blush just a little. It was what filled most of the notebook that made Kaidou's violent temper flare; why he had accepted Inui, the fact that he liked being uke, how he liked being held, locations where he did and didn't like to be kissed by Inui, places on his body he liked to be kissed, places on his body he liked to be touched, ways he liked to touch Inui, how long he had waited after they started dating before consenting to sex, and then a chart.
At first Kaidou couldn't figure out what the information in the chart was. First there were dates, then what seemed to be a time, then another time. He studied it for several minutes, but the meaning eluded him. He turned the page, curiosity now taking over completely. Inui had left quite a bit of empty space for the chart, several pages in fact, and then afterwards, in neat handwriting it said,
"Fastest time Kaidou came: X:XX:XX
Longest time Kaidou came: X:XX:XX
Earliest Kaidou woke: 6:15:23am
Latest Kaidou woke: 9:41:02am
And then Kaidou knew. The meticulous data collector couldn't even put his pen away for the sake of love. Kaidou was just a series of carefully recorded facts and numbers, and so was his relationship with Inui.
Before Kaidou had time to contemplate the meaning of this further he heard Inui on the staircase. He quickly shut the notebook and pushed it into the stack, straightening it quickly and pouncing into the bed. Inui entered, smiling and carrying a breakfast tray.
"Ohayou Kaoru-chan. Did you sleep well?"
"H-hai." Kaidou cursed his poor composure as Inui quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Have you been up long?"
"A few minutes." Kaidou wondered how Inui had kept those records to the second.
"I made breakfast," Inui said, sliding into the bed with Kaidou and setting the tray between them. He leaned in and kissed Kaidou and the younger boy could feel himself hesitating.
"Arigato S…Haru-kun demo…"
"Is something wrong Kaoru?"
"Iie, I'm just not hungry this morning." Inui felt his forehead for fever and Kaidou began trying to rationalize. 'He's taking care of me like he always does. It isn't like he'd show anyone. It was just Inui being Inui. It was…cute…in a strange Inui way.' He managed to calm his irritation, even if he didn't believe what he was telling himself. He playfully batted the inquisitive hand away.
"I'm fine," he said, leaning in and kissing Inui. Truthfully, he wasn't.
Inui noted over the next few weeks that Kaidou was busy a lot more. It seemed almost every time he tried to arrange time for them to be together Kaidou had other plans. Not only that, the younger boy seemed to be more standoffish. They didn't kiss very much, and when they did they seemed chaste. Kaidou didn't seem to avoid physical contact but he certainly didn't initiate or particularly respond when Inui started. Worse yet was the way Kaidou acted on the tennis court. He didn't seem to be able to concentrate, often missing shots he should have caught or only avoiding being hit by a ball because the ever attentive Inui pushed him aside, often taking the hit himself.
Inui tried desperately to determine what might be wrong, reviewing their recent interactions and trying to see if he'd done anything, perhaps he'd been a little too rough over the weekend and Kaidou was upset and hurt. He'd have to check. He did check, quickly scanning his lover's body in the showers before practice one day, and further investigating with his hands a little later. There didn't seem to be anything physically wrong with the aloof tenth grader, his mental condition might be harder to grasp.
"Na, Kaoru…daijoubu ka?" He asked as they ate lunch together one day.
"Hai. Naze?" He looked like he honestly didn't know why Inui was asking, but his posture still seemed...distant.
"Ano…you just seem…distracted…distant." Kaidou shifted, surprised by the comment. He appeared to think about it for a moment.
"It's nothing, things are just…complicated right now." Kaidou refused to let this affect him, affect them. He wanted it to be okay, he wanted to talk to Inui and fix this…but he shouldn't have looked in that notebook without permission. In truth, Kaidou was more afraid of Inui being upset about his kohai looking in the notebook than he was about what it said, or the distance he was accidentally putting between them. He loved Inui, truly and honestly loved him, but he wasn't sure Inui loved him back and Kaidou breaking his trust might just ensure he never did.
"Is there something I can help with?" Inui had a look of pure concern that comforted Kaidou. The younger boy smiled to himself and flopped against Inui, contentedly resting his head on his senpai's broad shoulder. As long as Inui took care of him, nothing else mattered.
It is a fact that ignoring a problem usually only serves to make it worse, and Kaidou was determined to ignore this problem. He made a solid effort to forget it, did everything he could to keep it from affecting them, and managed to gain marginal success. There were certain things, however, that he couldn't help but change. Kaidou made it a point not to let Inui add any data to his chart. The explosion came with June, more precisely with June 3rd, Inui's birthday. Kaidou thought about saying no, because he knew Inui would want to, but it seemed…wrong, to say no on his senpai's birthday because he was paranoid about something he shouldn't know, and he certainly couldn't come up with any other logical reason not to. It wasn't bad, they spent the day flirting and cuddling, and at night Inui successfully kept Kaidou's mind off of why he shouldn't enjoy what they were doing, and very focused on how much he was enjoying it. That is until somewhere in the middle when Inui stopped.
"Daijoubu ka, Kaoru-chan?"
"Ha-hai," the younger boy panted, trying to fathom what Inui was doing. "Anata?"
"Hai…demo…" Kaidou's mind screamed "DEMO!" but he held back his frustration. "You're taking .23 longer than usual, aren't you enjoying it?" And that was it. Kaidou looked at him in utter shock and horror for half a second before his temper flared out of control. He shoved Inui away roughly, grabbing the sheets and wrapping them around his waist as he stood. He knocked several green notebooks off the pile on the desk and grabbed the one he wanted, throwing it at Inui and successfully hitting him in the chest.
"Do you feel anything? I'm not a number, Sadaharu! We're not a number! I…I can't believe you…wrote that down! I…" Inui, having ascertained which notebook it was moments after being hit by it, stared at Kaidou in total shock. After a few seconds of silence he regained his footing…sort of.
"When did you see this? I didn't want you to…" Kaidou didn't need to hear it, this was too much and he wasn't going to forget anymore, he wasn't going to pretend he wasn't heartbroken. He pulled on his boxers quickly and scooped up the rest of his clothes, racing out of the bedroom. He slid his pants on at the top of the stairs and slid his shirt over his head after he reached the bottom, and then he was gone.
Inui wasn't entirely certain what had happened. He had considered the possible repercussions of keeping such a notebook before he started it, but had trusted Kaidou enough to know he wouldn't look inside. But he did look inside, and flipping through a few pieces of data Inui could easily determine when. Kaidou was mad…Kaidou was gone… Then slowly the realization hit him…Kaidou might never come back. Inui felt slightly ill, and could feel the pricking of tears at the corners of his eyes.
"Hoy, Inui!" Kikumaru shouted as he and Oishi arrived to meet him. Inui wasn't sure this was the best idea in the world, but when it came to feelings and people the Golden Pair seemed like the best choice, even if they didn't know Kaidou as well as he did. He had tried to come up with a solution on his own, but after a week of finding no answer, after a week of Kaidou ignoring him and refusing to speak to him, Inui was desperate for help. Inui had called Oishi reluctantly, sure he would probably be the most helpful and discrete, but they didn't go to the same high school and they hadn't talked in a while. Still, it was for Kaidou. They exchanged their hellos and walked the short distance to a café. They chatted for a while, partly because they wanted to catch up and partly because Inui wasn't sure how to discuss this problem, but practical Oishi eventually came to the point.
"Didn't you say you needed advice on something, Inui-san?"
"U-un…I…I have a notebook…."
"Nya! What does that have to do with anything?" Inui took a sip of his drink and swallowed hard, taking a deep breath.
"It had some…private information in it…."
"Did you misplace it?" Oishi asked, concerned.
"Iie…I…it was about Kaoru…about us…."
"Wah! Uso dayo!"
"I don't think it's wise to keep a notebook with private information about you and Kaidou. He might get upset."
"You didn't show him!" Kikumaru shouted, leaning over the table.
"Iie…but he saw it." Kikumaru let out a small gasp as he sat back in his chair and Oishi looked from Kikumaru to Inui back to Kikumaru with a look of pure distress. "He won't talk to me. I was hoping you would know what I should do?"
"Eiji! Ano…Inui-san…I don't think…with something like that…Kaidou…." Inui slumped down in his chair. There was nothing then.
"Why would you do that?" Kikumaru asked bluntly.
"I had reasons…I just…wanted to be sure…of everything."
"I think the best thing you can do is apologize. Kaidou might not listen, but I'm sure, eventually, he'll hear you." There was just nothing.
"Ah. Arigatou Oishi, Kikumaru. Sumimasen, ikimasu."
"Ja ne! Ganbatteyo!"
Inui took his time in apologizing. At first he figured it was hopeless, and he'd have to come up with a better solution if he wanted Kaidou back. The fact was there wasn't a better solution. All Inui could do was apologize and hope Kaidou accepted. Inui figured there was an 81 chance Kaidou would ignore him, a 56 chance Kaidou would punch him, and, assuming Kaidou acted against the odds and did accept his apology, there was only a 4 chance he would ever truly forgive Inui and trust him again. After he decided apologizing was the best course it took Inui another week to determine that Kaidou wouldn't give him an opportunity to get closer than opposite sides of a tennis court, and it might be impossible. He spent the weekend trying to find a solution and decided to lie. He skipped one of his class periods that Monday, and went to Kaidou's, saying he needed Kaidou for something. The younger boy scowled, but exited the classroom obediently.
"Nan desu ka, senpai?" Kaidou asked, glaring at him. Inui sighed, readjusting his calculations from 19 possibility of acceptance to 9.
"I just wanted to apologize Kao…Kaidou-kun, for hurting you. Gomen nasai." He bowed deeply, then stood waiting for a reaction.
"'Gomen nasai' ka? Yarou!" It seemed 56 was accurate as Kaidou's fist connected solidly with Inui's face and the younger boy went back to class, hissing. And that was that, they were through.
Eight months later found Inui idly practicing tennis shots with a wall. He hadn't been doing too well in tennis since he and Kaidou broke up. He found it difficult to concentrate and nearly impossible to collect and record data. He hadn't bought a green notebook in six months, hadn't written in one it at least three. He just didn't feel like himself anymore. He distantly heard the sound of someone running, but it didn't really register in his mind. The tennis ball bounced against the wall in front of him and he missed it. He turned to retrieve it only to be met by Kaidou, who had stopped running and was catching his breath. Inui raised his hand to greet Kaidou like he used to, realized the other boy, who was hunched over grabbing his knees, probably hadn't noticed he was there, and decided not to bother him, instead walking past him to retrieve his ball.
"S-senpai." Inui shot up, ball in hand and turned back to Kaidou. The younger boy was still hunched over and not looking at him, perhaps he had imagined it. He went back to the half court he was practicing in and served the ball.
"Are you ignoring me now Senpai?" Inui missed the ball again, but Kaidou caught it for him.
"Na, Kaidou…are you talking to me now?" Kaidou stared at the ball in his hand rather than looking at Inui, but Inui couldn't take his eyes off his kohai.
"Do you still have it…the notebook… 'Kaoru-Chan's Secret Data'?" Inui looked at his feet.
"I was going to get rid of it…but it's like throwing away memories. I wanted to keep those ones…I suppose that's selfish."
"They're not memories! They're numbers and statistics that don't mean anything! You can't…you can't really feel…" Inui's head shot up and he stared at Kaidou.
"They are memories…my memories…I didn't want you to see them…"
"You shouldn't have written those things down. Is that…is that all we were to you? Locations and dates and times… Was I just…a number? Was it just data?" Inui wasn't quite sure how to answer, he was certain whatever he said would be wrong. He decided just to change the subject a little.
"You have a boyfriend now, don't you?" He'd heard it about two months ago, and seen Kaidou walking with another boy once or twice, but he hadn't bothered to confirm the rumors for sanity's sake.
"We broke up…a while ago."
"Ah. I heard you were doubles partners."
"I didn't like playing doubles with him." There was a few minutes silence. "Har…Inui-senpai…"
"You didn't…fight for me…" Inui noticed how hard Kaidou was clutching his tennis ball seconds before the boy threw it down and took off running.
Things went back to normal for a while, or as normal as they were those seven months. Inui and Kaidou didn't talk to each other and barely ever saw each other in the halls or at practice. Then one day Kaidou found a green notebook in his cubby in the locker room, 'Kaoru-Chan's Secret Data' neatly inscribed on its cover. Kaidou opened it, mostly wondering if Inui had added any data since he last looked at it. He had. There were some statistics under the heading 'Apology', two of which were circled, then 'He rejected me', 'He doesn't want me' and a little further down the page 'Moved on, has a boyfriend'. Kaidou felt a familiar ache in his heart and wished once more that he'd never looked in the stupid notebook. He tried to convince himself once again that it was Inui's fault for having it in the first place. He always seemed to lose this battle…with Inui he seemed to lose everything. He closed the notebook and shoved it angrily into the cubbyhole. A small piece of paper slipped out and floated to the ground. Kaidou picked it up and read the familiar handwriting.
I'm sorry. I probably won't ever be able to say that enough, and eventually you'll stop listening. I know why you're angry - I shouldn't have had this. It wasn't because I didn't care about you, it was just easier. I understand numbers; I'm the data collector. I don't always understand feelings, that's why I waited until I wouldn't see you every day to tell you how I felt. The statistics are always against me when it comes to you and I figured you would reject me and not seeing you would make it easier. I cared about you but it was…frightening to start a relationship. It was comforting to have numbers there. It also helped me keep track of how you were feeling. If you were upset I could trace it back to what I had done and I could fix it. I thought so anyway.
You said I didn't fight for you…I guess I didn't. I fought as hard as I could to tell you I'm sorry, but you couldn't accept it and I figured you would only be pushed farther away by subsequent attempts. I wanted to wait for you to forgive me, or at least stop hating me, before I tried to get you back again. When I heard you had a boyfriend… I'm certain I'm too late now. You spoke to me, so I calculate a 65 chance that you will continue to hate me for the rest of the year and I'll never see you again once I graduate, 30 chance you'll accept me as a friend and possibly doubles partner again with 5 years of fighting, and only a 3 chance that I could get you back. Most likely listing these statistics will change that to 73.5, 25, and sadly 1.5. I also calculated that if at any point in those 5 years you were to get another boyfriend my chances would disappear completely. I never meant to hurt you, but I think that's all I'll ever be able to do. I'm giving you my memories Kaoru. I know they're a burden for you so I ask you to dispose of them however you please. I've also resigned from the tennis club, I can't collect data anymore and I'm just…not good enough. I wish you good fortune and happiness.
The paper was stained with Inui's tears and Kaidou felt his own streaming down his cheeks. His knees felt weak and he collapsed to the ground, clutching the note tightly.
"Baka." He whispered quietly to himself.
Inui was just taping up a box filled with his green notebooks when the doorbell rang. He wasn't in the mood for anything or anyone so he ignored it, but the intruder was persistent and it rang several more times. When he finally got up to answer it he was greeted with none other than Kaidou, in tears. In less than a second they were in each others arms, neither certain whether Inui had pulled Kaidou to him or if Kaidou had thrown himself at Inui, both overjoyed to be so close to the other after so long.
"Haru ga suki da yo," Kaidou cried through his tears. Inui rubbed soothing circles on his back and murmured soft 'sh's.
"Boku mo, Kaoru-chan. Gomen nasai."
Translation of Japanese Words:
Kohai – term for younger student
Senpai – term for older student
Uke – the submissive partner
Ohayou – "Good morning"
Hai – "Yes"
Arigatou – "Thank you"
Demo – "But"
Iie – "No"
Daijoubu ka – "Are you all right"
Naze – "Why"
Daijoubu – "I'm fine" or "It's fine"
Anata – "You"
Un – "Yes"
Uso da yo – "That's a lie" or "You're lying"
Sumimasen – "Sorry"
Ikimasu – "I'm leaving" often translated as "I'm going ahead"
Sayounara – "Goodbye"
Ja ne – "See you later"
Ganbatteyo – "Go for it" or "Good luck"
Nan desu ka – "What is it"
Gomen nasai – "I'm sorry"
Yarou – "Bastard"
Nani – "What"
Ai shiteru – "I love you"
Baka – "Stupid" or "Idiot"
Haru ga suki da yo – "I love Haru" or "I love you"
Boku mo – "Me too"
Three things not to bug Kaser about in this fic:
Kaidou – Yes, I know the standard spelling is "Kaidoh" but quite frankly, it's wrong. There is no stand alone "h" in the Japanese language.
Senpai – Some people might think it should be "sempai", some people would be wrong.
Inui's birthday – somebody told me in one of my other fics that I got one of the character's birthday wrong…they're fictional characters, they weren't actually born, odds are they weren't created on those days. I did not, however, make this up. I went to on the profiles page and looked it up. If it's wrong, whine to them about it.
I read someone ranting once about how using scattered Japanese in fanfics was dumb…I understood the sentiment but can't abide by it. If I could write the whole thing in Japanese I would, but I've only had 2 years of Japanese in my life. I'd leave it out entirely but I was having difficulty keeping their voices in my head, even with their image songs playing over and over in the background, and this helped. Also, scattered Japanese tends to enter my thoughts and speech anyway so sumimasen (sorry) but it's gonna stay.
First I'll go through some of the quirks in this fic that you might be wondering about or I think you should know…
About school years – I say Kaidou is a little into his first year of high school and then later call him a 10th grader, that's because in Japan elementary school goes through 6th grade, middle school is 7-9 and high school is 10-12, I've noticed some people are unaware of this fact by reading other TeniPuri fics, so I thought I'd mention it.
Inui's clock – I figure the all important data collector will have a digital alarm clock with seconds, so I included seconds
Kaidou sleeping in – I imagine with all that extra training he has to get up pretty early to get to school on time so I wouldn't suppose he sleeps in unless he's really tired.
X:XX:XX – Sorry about this, I don't know what would be reasonable times to put in here, so I just did this. If you know the answer fill it in for yourself. I'm not married, I'm not a man, and I'm not gonna ask a guy.
Haru – This is simply because I'm a little loony. I felt like having Kaidou call him by a sort of pet name. I get it from SadaHARU. Haru also means spring so draw your own conclusions.
Notebook facts – Don't you wish I shared the answers with everyone? Sadly I only know the questions. The sock thing I want to note in particular because I didn't realize he didn't wear socks until I read it in another fanfic (sadly I don't remember the name, I think I read all of the InuiKai fics on this site).
Then I'll do my own little blurb…Um…this idea just sort of hit me after I finished my last InuiKai fic (Ii Yume – hint hint wink wink nudge nudge, and this is a shameless plug) and I wrote a little bit of the beginning (about to where Kaidou's flipping through the notebook), the desire tapered off, was temporarily rekindled when I got "Put the data you have uncovered to beneficial use" in a fortune cookie, and was later finished when I was in a creative mood but couldn't think of anything to draw. This was fun to write, not sure they're entirely in character though…
The last thing I wanted to note is that I do not condone premarital sex and I especially don't condone sex among teens. I do not, however, care if two fictional characters, who look much older than they are, are placed in such situations. Inui and Kaidou cannot get pregnant, get STDs, or mess up their relationships by having sex, real people can.