Utilis Fabula Monstra

"Moony!" cried Sirius, bouncing into the Gryffindor Common Room.

Remus grunted and continued with his Potions essay.

"Remus!" Sirius called, skidding to a halt at his friends feet.

Remus ignored him, adjusted the position of the essay on his lap, and continued to work.

"Reeeeeemus…" whined Sirius plaintively, tugging at the essay and jogging the other boy's quill in the process.

Remus scowled at the long line that now crossed through all of his hard work, realised that he would need to rewrite everything anyway because, quite frankly, it was illegible, and gave up.

"What?" he asked tiredly.

"Do you want to know what I just did?" Sirius asked from the floor.

"Not particularly," Remus replied, trying to hide a smile.

"Yes you do," his friend replied earnestly. "It's really exciting."

"Well then," said the werewolf, settling back into the sofa where he was sitting, "fire away."

"I've found my soul mate," Sirius announced proudly.

Remus was unimpressed. "Again? What is it this time?"

"Hey," replied Sirius, looking offended. "It's not food this time. It's a person."

"You must be improving. Which person?"

"I don't know!"

Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "So what was the point in telling me, then?" He prepared to Accio a new parchment and restart the essay.

"They're here, at Hogwarts. Isn't that exciting?"

"How do you know?" asked Remus, regaining his interest.

Sirius sat up straighter, preparing to switch into Dramatic Storytelling Mode.

"Well, I was looking for a spell to use on Snivellus -I thought I might make him fall in love with his cauldron- and I found this spell called Utilis Fabula Monstra." Remus snorted. Typical Sirius. "It gives you a point on a map where your soul mate is. So anyway, I tried it out, and it pointed here."

"Impressive," said Remus. "So now what?"

"What do you think?" asked Sirius, shocked that his friend could possibly have asked such a stupid question. "We're going to find out who it is!"

"Good luck-wait, we?"

"Come on," said Sirius impatiently, "I want to find whoever it is today."


"That's what I said."


"Hurry up, we've only got all day!"


"I'll tell you as we go."


Sirius growled, grabbed Remus' arm, and dragged him out of the Common Room.

Remus collapsed onto one of the sofas upon returning to the Gryffindor Common Room.

"I cannot believe you made me do that."

Sirius plonked himself down beside his friend. "I had a wonderful time," he announced."

"Well, you would have done. If you had told me that you needed to find your soul mate by snogging at least half of the school, I wouldn't have come."

"It was great fun, though, Moony," said Sirius happily. "You should try it sometime."

"Not on the same people you did! You did some foul things today, mate." Remus wrinkled his nose.

"Worth every disgusting moment," replied Sirius. "Did you see the look on Snivellus' face when I kissed him?"

Remus could not help laughing. "And then when you said, 'But Snivellus, I love you and I want us to have lots of ugly, greasy babies!' That was…" he found himself laughing so hard that he was unable to continue.

"Pretty good, even if I do say so myself," his friend replied proudly.

"Why McGonagall, though?"

"Oh," said Sirius, waving a hand. "I'd probably have done it even if there was no spell. Last lesson she told me that I had run out of surprises."

"Well, you surprised her alright. James?"

"To shock Lily."


"To shock James. Obviously."


"Blood traitor!" Sirius mimicked, "Get your filthy mouth away from me!"

Remus sniggered, then sobered. "But who now?" he asked. "I mean, you went through pretty much all the candidates."

Sirius sighed. "Maybe. Except…"

"Except?" prompted Remus.

Sirius sprung up, planted one hand on Remus' shoulder, and kissed him. Utterly stunned, Remus gasped into his friends mouth and then returned the kiss, tangling one hand in his hair as the other ran up and down Sirius' back.

Eventually, Sirius drew away. "It's you," he said slightly breathlessly.

"But I thought there was meant to be, I dunno, fireworks or something," said Remus, feeling slightly confused.

"There was."


Sirius tapped his forehead. Remus frowned. "I'm not sure if I believe you."

Sirius sighed. "If I tell you something," he said slowly, "will you promise not to kill me?"

"Depends what it is," Remus replied, beginning to feel slightly uneasy.

"What would you say if I told you that there's no spell called Utilis Fabula Monstra?"

"I'd ask you what the hell we were running about for all day," Remus said angrily.

Sirius tried to make himself look small. "What if I said that it was my best way of saying that you're the one I think I'm made for?" he replied quietly.

Remus looked at Sirius hard to see if he was serious. Apparently, he was. Remus grinned and pulled the other boy into his arms. "I think," he said slowly, "that I'd probably give you the benefit of the doubt."

My Latin isn't great, but Utilis Fabula Monstra literally means Useful Plot Point.

If anyone's thinking WTF are you doing, you're meant to be writing All's Fair... well, meh to you. I got attacked by a plot bunny, and I needed to write it before it completely polished off my ankles.

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