Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dwarf or any of its characters/themes/plots. (I wish I owned Rimmer, though ;D Helen wishes to own Cat. And I think Tom would like to own Lister…just kidding. He DEFINITELY would like to own Lister.)

Author's Note: Hello, it's me again. I (and by that I mean me, Tom, Helen and Dan) are writing a really, really, REALLY, stupid fanfiction entitled 'Twister'. As the name suggests, it is the Dwarfers playing, you guessed it, Twister (copyright MB Games). It should be funny, I don't know yet. Please review it anyway. We are all high on pasta!

"I'm bo-ored!" Lister sang.

"Get over it," Rimmer hissed, "We're all bored."

The End

PS Sorry, the characters took control a bit there, but we've got it back. Ahem…

"I'm bo-ored!" Lister sang.

"Get over it," Rimmer hissed, "We're all bored."

"Why don't we…nah, stupid idea, forget it," Kochanski said.

"What?" asked Lister.

"Well, I was going to say we could play Twister, but, forget it."

"Twister?" Lister and Rimmer asked in unison: Lister sounded excited; Rimmer sounded disgusted.

"Great!" Lister exclaimed.

"Yes," Rimmer retorted sarcastically, "Great. Why don't we dance around naked in the corridors instead? Or even better, in space. Yes," his voice was getting rapidly higher and squeakier, "Let's all dance around naked in space!"

"Sure, if you want," Lister answered and made for the door, but stopped at the exit and turned back round, very slowly, "hold on a second," he said drawn-outedly, "Why would we dance around naked in space? There's no oxygen out there!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. Sometimes his sarcasm was a bit out of Lister's depth.

"So," Cat said conclusively, "Twister?"

Five minutes later and the four-coloured, sixteen-spotted mat had been laid out on the floor, and Holly was given an electro-spinner. Rimmer, Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and Cat had gathered around the mat

"So what do we do now?" asked the Cat.

"Well," Lister began, but Rimmer interrupted: "First we make total smegheads of ourselves, and then the game is over."

"Ha ha," Lister replied, "Just shut up. You play it like this: someone spins the spinner," he nodded at Holly, "And then she'll say…"

"Right hand green," Holly supplied.

"And then that's what you have to do." Lister finished.

"Seems simple enough," Cat said enthusiastically then looked desperately at Kochanski who said softly, "You'll pick it up."

"Right hand green," Holly repeated and Lister obliged.

"Left foot yellow."

Everyone looked at Rimmer expectantly. After a pause he finally sighed and stamped down his foot (if he had to play this stupid game, he was NOT going to convey that he was actually enjoying it).

This continued for several hours, and Holly had put herself on auto-pilot.

"Left hand blue," she said monotonously. Kochanski reached over Cat, under Lister, and straight through Rimmer (who had put himself into soft-light form which the others had complained about at first but had somehow found a way to use to their advantage). Kryten had been disqualified within the first ten minutes because for 'right hand red' he had simply unscrewed his right hand and thrown it across the room, ironically missing the spot completely and nearly knocking out the Cat.

"Well," Rimmer said after eight consecutive hours of non-stop twisting, "this is SO fun."

"I know, isn't it!" Lister said, missing the sarcasm once more. Rimmer thought about killing Lister in a very, very brutal way with a very, very pointy knife, but thought he was doing so well he didn't want to risk falling over.

"Left foot red," Holly yawned. She had taken to counting the seconds she could go with her battery on full power without getting electric shocks – it was much more fun. She could only get up to forty-seven, though, as she had forgotten how to count any higher.

Lister lifted his left leg which hovered dangerously near Kochanski's crotch.

"You try that one more time, Lister," she warned, "And I swear to God I will pull your eyes out with a rusty spoon and proceed to force-feed them to you. OK?" she concluded mock-sweetly.

"Hey…" Lister began, raising his hand to explain. This turned out to be a BAD mistake. He toppled over onto Kochanski who promptly fell on the Cat who smashed into Rimmer's light-bee which switched off his projection. Holly looked up; finally something interesting was happening!

"Who won?" she asked.

Everyone just groaned and struggled to their feet, or, in Rimmer's case, struggled to exist again.

"I think it was a draw," Lister said hoarsely.

There was a silence as everyone nursed their scratches and bruises.

"'Nother game?" Lister suggested. A few seconds later he was running down the corridor at full speed, away from Kochanski and Cat who were wielding heavy-armoured bazookoids.

The End

PS Sorry, the characters took control again. And we can't get it back. Ah well. Rimmer will be back for the next chapter of 'Professor Rimmer,' honest. ( well, I'd have to be pretty damn stupid to get rid of the person whose name is in the title, now, wouldn't I? Oh, wait a minute…Nicole…)

Ta ta for now!