A Yû Yû Hakusho fanfiction by Sir Psycho Sexy
A/N: This is a deliberate parody of god-awful, clichéd fanfiction. As such, it will have canonically unlikely plotlines, scary out-of-character-ness, fake character bashing, and parody-type Mary Sues. However, it WILL have much better spelling and grammar than the badfics you are used to reading, that I promise. Plus- lewd humor and deliberate fanboy languages. D Enjoy!
Chapter 1: The Kurama/Hiei Story
Kurama hated getsuyôbi, even though he had no bloody idea what the word was doing there smack dab in the middle of and English sentence. But anyways, he hated this particular thing that shall not be mentioned because the reader is l33t enough to know Japanese would know what it is, and the person who doesn't know what it is shouldn't be reading this fanfiction in the first place.
He stretched his arms up over his head, and decided that today was the day. His rear end had been lubricating well for over a week now, and he had been gorging himself with chocolate and watching very gushy romance movies nonstop during that time. But lo, his love for Hiei had not yet been returned, and he wept into his lace handkerchief that he had mysteriously acquired when his rear started lubricating by itself.
"Oh, my dear, sweet Hiei! You have been corrupted by that miserable bionic bitch, Mukuro! Now you will never love me, for I am a man, and two men cannot love each other! Oh agony! Oh defeat! Oh woe! The only thing left for me to do is get a sex change, even though I don't identify as a woman at all! Because of true love!" He then cried further and started to slit his wrists with one of his stepfather's razor blades to relieve the pain…it was the only way until he could saw his genitals off for his truest, deepest love. But then he started to cry yet again, and put on a long, lacy pink dress, so he could be a woman before he waited for his surgery.
Yomi, ruler of Gandara, was sitting in his chambers watching the fox with the mysterious aliment. Something came over his mind…the fox looked some stunning in that dress…
"MUHUHAHAHA! I will take Kurama prisoner, and rape him, even though I don't really want to!" he sadistically laughed, adding an extra "MUHAHA" at the end for good measure. "Revenge shall be mine, for I am pure evil! MUHUHAHAHA!" And the skies thundered over Gandara…Yomi laughed even more when he saw how he had influenced the weather, despite his being completely blind.
He then sent two messenger demons, who were dumb as bricks, to catch his lovely prize. When the demons arrived in the Minamino household, they just stared blankly at each other, uncertain of what to do.
Kurama looked up at them, and said, "Come on, evil demon slaves, let's get this show on the road! I am to be brutally raped by Yomi! Else why would my ass be self-lubricating, and why would I be a fake transsexual! Oh woe! Capture me and make me wangst!"
The first demon looked at the other and said, "What is she talking about?"
To which the second replied: "I dunno. You want to get lunch or something?"
"I'm having a really bad craving for boiled human flank on rye. Sound good to you, Dave?"
"I dunno, Bob. I'm in the mood for kidney pie, und keiner Eier."
"¿Qué? No comprendo lo que dices."
"SHUT UP ALREADY!" screamed Kurama. "Bring Yomi to ravish me, or else this will never get off of the ground!"
And Dave and Bob brought Kurama back to Gandara.
Meanwhile, Hiei was strapped to an operating table in Mukuro's castle. The Bionic Bitch, as she was known, was opening him up and ripping out his internal organs one by one, squashing them and laughing in sadistic glee.
"MUHUHAHAHA! You shall never leave here alive- not if you still love that fox! You belong to me and ME ALONE! MUHUHA…" –here she coughed- "HUAHAHAHA!"
Hiei screamed in agony. This was too much. He wished desperately for some of that luscious sweet snow to ease the pain…that pain that could only be described through Evanescence lyrics…
And lo, there in a dress, was his savior! Or "savioress", as the case may be.
"Where on earth were you, fox? I'm getting organs ripped out, and yet you could not find me! Oh woe!" Hiei started to cry, and several onyx-colored tear gems made a soft 'plink' sound upon the castle floor.
"I too was suffering unbearable agony." Kurama put his hand over his head in a dramatic pose and started to weep bitter tears of wangst. "I was being ravished by the cruel, evil Yomi, and I was starting to enjoy it when the fluids from my rear flooded all of Gandara, thereby conveniently saving me! My love for you knows no limits, and I have been tortured o prove it!"
"As have I, my dear, sweet, honey-baby-snookums," said Hiei, looking Kurama tenderly in his emerald orbs. "The problem is, the worlds will not accept our love, being two males! Let us kill ourselves in the hope of heteronormativity in the next life!"
"Yes, but I have become a weepy woman for you, my love!" Kurama started crying while holding his- erm, her dress- out of the pile of Hiei's bloody entrails, which she- no, he (you have to judge gender on physical sex, don't ya know) was surprised were not back in Hiei's body,a nd yet he was still alive.
"But…society does not accept of transsexuals either, especially fake ones!" Hiei cried.
A slight pause. Kurama picked up Hiei's sword and plunged it into his heart and let out a scream of agony. He- wait, isn't it she?- then died without any of the expected corny monologues. When Kurama stabbed himself, Hiei ripped out his own heart and died.
Their entwined souls went up to Reikai, to be reborn happily ever after as a busy salaryman and his sweet, submissive wife.
Koenma woke up with a start. The papers on his desk were in disarray, and he had the strangest dream about Kurama, Hiei, and the Demon Lords…although they were only facsimiles of Kurama, Hiei, Yomi and Mukuro.
He groaned to himself, started stamping his paperwork, and attributed his nightmare to the plethora of bad fanfiction he had been reading online.
Was it really that necessary to stop reading it? he wondered to himself. It was like a trainwreck…and it did keep him interested in Ningenkai…
Nevertheless, he didn't want to have any more bad dreams. He shut off his computer and went back to working, so his father wouldn't get angry at him.
END CHAPTER 1
A/N, Part Deux: Coming Up in "The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever"- Sensui awakens, and suddenly likes boobies! Itsuki hates Sensui! Read all about it! (And damn, at this rate, Koenma's going to get a damn headache…)
If you have any more ideas, comment. I'd love to hear some "bad fanfic" ideas…