Chapter 4: The Hard Part is Admitting You Have a Problem
A YYH fanfiction by Sir Psycho Sexy
A/N: Here it is! The FINAL chapter of The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever! I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Oh, we have some special guests in this fic, each of which belongs to their respective owners. Because no YYH parody-fic would be complete without the Obligatory Bad Crossover. Plus a continuation of the Bad Author Self-Insert. Enjoy!
Sir Psycho Sexy heard a loud bang against the door of his apartment at two in the morning. He wondered who or what it could be, since all he did as far as human interaction went was sit at his computer twenty-four hours a day doing nothing but reading fanfics and complaining about how lousy the fandom was in his LiveJournal- a perfect way to get a translation degree, if he thought so himself. He also hoped that it wasn't like the time he had lost his glasses and thought he had seen Sensui Shinobu in a frilly pink tutu at the front door, and had thereby decided that there was a homophobic fandom conspiracy being launched against him and his two-dimensional boy t- erm, I mean, idol.
But, luckily, he had remembered his glasses since, for some reason or other, he had involuntarily taped them to his face.
He opened the door, and who did he see but… Koenma! Koenma, as in the lines-on-celluloid son of Enma Daiô who was naught but a figment of one Togashi Yoshihiro's imagination.
"You've got to be shitting me here." For some reason or other, he could smell a million quantum plot holes opening around him in much the same manner as a trained bloodhound sniffs out a dead body. But that did not bother him so much; Koenma was standing right in front of him! And, for some reason or other, he was beginning to lose his common sense! ZOMG KOENEMA IZ SOOO HAWT!1!
"Sir, I have something I have to ask you. It has come to my attention that you are the author of multitudinous fanfictions depicting my colleagues and I in a negative light. That and they…they just made me lose sleep and feel ill." He bowed his head in shame upon thinking of the horrors that he had read.
"My fanfiction is MY business! I get to portray you people however I want, it's called creative license!" He stuck out his tongue at the godling, which made him even madder at Sir Psycho Sexy.
"All right, all right. I'm going to have to take you into Reikai custody. So don't complain when you turn out to be guilty of libel!"
"Libel, schmeibel," he scoffed. "Like I said, I get to control your ass in my fics! And I can still do it when you're standing right in front of me!" With that, he began to wiggle his fingers and chant a levitation spell over Koenma.
Koenma did not move an inch.
"I'm taking you, mister."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No you're not."
Sir Psycho Sexy made the biggest puppy-dog eyes that he could muster, and started blubbering: "If you take away my fanfiction, I'll have nothing left in my life! I will be naught but an overweight, pathetic excuse for a human being, with no one to love me! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" He started to cry rivers of tears at Koenma's feet.
"Fine," said Koenma as he felt the rivulets of Sir Psycho Sexy's tears turn into more miniscule plot holes that threatened to suck out his very soul.
As Koenma went back to Reikai, Sir Psycho Sexy smirked. He had conned an actual character from his favorite fandom into letting him write his horridly written and executed trash that was but a substitute for his parents never loving him enough as a child and…Oh dear. Too much information. We had best ignore this paragraph…it's in the interest of fandom security…
Koenma returned to his desk tired as usual, especially after that ordeal with that geeky, bratty author- erm, respectfully decent human being with issues. There were tons of papers stacked upon his desk that he had to stamp, thousands of souls that he had to process. But there was one paper that caught his eye; it was stamped with his father's seal.
This HAD to be serious business.
Picking it up carefully, to see if he hadn't been scammed yet again in the reality department, he started to read:
I have a mission for you that is in the utmost interests of security for the three worlds that are under my jurisdiction, as well as other worlds that are not. It has come to my attention, via the ferry-girls and the oni, that human beings from all versions of Ningenkai, this one and alternate universes, are becoming deeply addicted to a noxious form of entertainment known as fanfiction. It is at least as addictive as many Makai medicinal herbs, and, if this addiction were to be left untouched, the various realities of Ningenkai would ultimately self-destruct.
Therefore, I have organized the most addicted humans from the various realities for you to counsel. If you fail to accomplish this task, which I have coded "Fanfic Addicts Anonymous", you will receive a most severe spanking.
Koenma sighed; he had no choice. He feared his father's hand across his bottom more than anything…
He slowly wandered into a room filled with humans, some of which he knew. He could easily pick out his ex-reikai tantei, Urameshi Yûsuke, and his new bride, Keiko. But the mousy-haired girl with large-rimmed glasses, the two young boys (no more than twelve by Koenma's estimation), and the somewhat tall man with spiky silver hair and a bandanna tilted over one eye he did not recognize in the slightest.
"Excuse me, but are you this 'Koenenma' fellow that we're supposed to meet?" One of the twelve-year-olds leaped up off of his chair and gazed innocently at the godling.
"Gon! Sit down! Of COURSE that's him! And it's "Koenma"! Sometimes I wonder if you understand everything you can get over the Internet with your Hunter license…" The other boy sulked in his chair.
"Oops, sorry, Killua." Gon looked to be on the verge of tears as he sat down next to his friend.
"It's okay. I'm the one who needed to come here." With that simple utterance by Killua, Gon smiled.
Yûsuke popped up angrily. "C'mon, toddler, let's get this show on the road! My wife's been readin' bad man-porn about me and my buddies! And now she can't even think right no more!"
Keiko muttered something that sounded like "mangina" over and over again as her eyes seemed to let go of her very soul. "See? C'mon!"
"Fine," muttered Koenma. "Welcome to Fanfic Addicts Anonymous. Would anyone like the floor?"
The mousy-haired girl wearing huge clonking glasses stood up and cleared her throat. "Hello…my name is Schieska…and I'm addicted to bad fanfiction."
"HELLO SCHIESKA!" said the other members of the group in unison.
"Well…umm…it started when I was looking up the name of one of my superior officers online, even though Amestris doesn't have the Internet…ah well. So I type in "Roy Mustang" and…there were all of these horrid stories about him having sex with his male junior officers! And they didn't act at all like their normal selves! And sometimes…they had…CAT EARS for some strange reason! And then I found out there were other worlds getting damaged…can you IMAGINE Proust slash? I found it…" She began to sob. "But…that's not the worst part. The worst part is, I have a photographic memory of everything I read, so I can't stop referencing them in my head! And it's driving me crazy!"
"Did you find any fiction of us?" Koenma looked hopeful.
"Yes. It was about this girl named Yukina…and she was an angsty, suicidal goth with multiple personalities…and somehow I knew that wasn't her! I still have every word stuck in my head! When will this disrespect of good literature stop?"
Yûsuke began to chuckle. "Aww, man…Yukina the MPD goth…that's rich. The real Yukina wouldn't hurt a fly. And the MPD part was from this guy named Sensui, who happened to be the queerest dude I ever knew besides those two little fruit brats over there…" He pointed to Killua and Gon.
"Fruit?" said Gon idly. "Killua, do I look like a banana… or a pear?"
Killua growled. "Never mind. You'll know what it means when you're older."
"But I wanna be a pear!"
"All right, you're a pear." This was one of the many times Killua had given in to Gon's flights of fancy.
Schieska sat down, now with a smile on her face. Those were the two cutest little boys she had ever seen in her whole life…but she had to keep herself from imagining the one with spiky black hair in a poofy dress. She had to get over her addiction…don't think of shouta, don't think of shouta, don't think of shouta…
"Next, please," said Koenma.
The man with the face mask, the bandana over one eye, and the spiky silver hair stood up. "Hello, my name is Hatake Kakashi, and I have no idea what I'm doing here."
The group roared: "HI KAKASHI!"
"I mean, honestly. The Internet is designed for porn. If I want to read about my students having intercourse, I will. I do not have a problem."
"Yes you do!" roared Gon. And then, he whispered to Killua: "What's porn?"
"You know those tapes we saw in the Celestial Tower with the naked people? That's porn." Gon nodded his head in understanding.
"Well, as clueless as Mr. Freecs is, he does have a point," said Koenma. "You have to admit you have a fanfiction problem before you end up hurting other people!"
"But I enjoy it, and it's not hurting anyone directly. I especially enjoy the ones about me." He smiled cryptically under his mask as he picked up the latest issue of Make-out Paradise that he had brought with him. "Plus, I do get some amusement out of all of the bizarre words used for the genitalia."
Then, all of a sudden, Keiko sprang up and yelled, "BUTTSEX!", as her brain had been stolen by all of the porn involving her husband and his friends and replaced by naught but granulated sugar. The odd thing was that she did not stop. Yûsuke sprang up from his seat and began debating with Kakashi about the merits of Miss December over those of Miss January, as he too was a Make-out Paradise fan, improbable as it was that it was never published in his universe. Killua and Gon started to race each other around the room, and soon it became a miniature dust storm. Schieska was starting to panic from the combined force of the surrounding frenzy and the sincere battle she was waging in her head.
In a last-ditch effort to avoid a spanking, Koenma yelled, "ORDER!"
No one listened.
He did so again. No one listened.
He grumbled to himself and left the others to their own devices; the only option was to go see his father.
Enma was not pleased, and Koenma got ten thousand spankings.
Togashi Yoshihiro woke up with a start. This was the last time he'd EVER eat spicy food before bed again…