Chapter 7: With You In Your Dreams Loretta awoke to the sound of mournful doves choking out singsong improv reqiuems. It was early in the morning and she began to go through her normal day to day life.
Nothing soothed her more than thinking, nothing ached her more than remembering.
She washed her old wine colored skirt, and as she was washing it it tore all down one side.
Her hands burned with envy and detergent. In quiet, consuming rage she went back inside and saw to her surprise a man standing in her home. He was holding scraps of fabric.
"Need these?" he asked.
"Wh--what are you doing here?" Loretta was vaguely frightened with this handsome intruder.
She looked at him. He had dark hair and dark eyes and looked a little like Pierre from Simple Plan. She noticed that he too was wearing a Role Model t shirt.
They were married the next day.
Loretta sewed the scraps of fabric together in a long line and sewed that to cover the tear in her crimson skirt. They lived happily, eating, sleeping, sewing.
Loretta never wanted it to end. She found Christ in this young man. One day, he said "Loretta,
we need to talk"
"Um, Ok." Loretta said warily, knowing that talking often lead people to death, with her involved. She looked around and they both walked out and sat at a cliff overlooking the ocean. Waves massaged the cliff walls, in a continuous ambivalent gesture of the love for all things real.
"We are like the waves." the man said. "Constant, never ending, forever,
unneccessary"
"What are you implying?" Asked Loretta, already dreading the outcome.
"I am a wizard, dear Lori. A powerful, powerful wizard"
"Who are you?" she asked.
"My name is Pierre the Majestic." as he spoke these dreaded words he stood,
and his role model shirt furled and wrapped and morphed into a long robe and cumbersome cloak, both icy grey. A stick he was holding transformed into a mighty oaken staff. Made of oak. The smell of burning cedar rang in their ears like some death wish from the mermaids. Loretta had to think about this. Stifling tears, she whispered all of her feelings.
Of love,
death, Pierre, and all of the accidental victims she seemed to have cursed.
"I can't die." Said Pierre, who knew everything she was thinking. "We wizards are eternal"
Loretta blinked rapidly. "A wizard killed my mother, once." She whimpered noiselessly,
with the sound and objection of a cat lapping cream.
"That was my evil uncle, Lord Vampyrek. Together, let's seek him out and destroy him"
Pierre waved his staff and two midnight violet pegasuses vaporized before them. Loretta quakingly mounted one, and Pierre the other. The Castle Keriowtt loomed before them like the orphanage so long ago, and Loretta shuddered, remembering that awful redhead and the dead cricket. "I have a bad feeling about this place." she mumbled.
They clambered off of their steeds and walked up the winding black path towards the winding black palace of doom. There was no escaping it now.
They flew inside of one of the windows, and saw a maid.
"Hello, you must be Vampyrek's visitors. My name is Sherri Pavlova, please sit down while I bring you some teatime snacks"
There was no escaping it now. They sat down and began to eat.
"So, how've you been?" Pierre asked amiably.
"Oh, I am doing well. I finished another prom dress today." Loretta replied in a sorrowful tone. Prom dresses reminded her of Toby.
"You mean the green one? Oh it was pretty"
"Yah"
Silence. Pierre always made Loretta shy.
Then a shadow formed in the door, like a giant monster of shadow murk. It ripped it's hand upwards into the sky and the side of a gun glinted in the thunder. It started to thunder.
A thunderous roar crept quietly down the stairs, and a bullet oozed out of the gun,
straight for Loretta. Pierre jumped in front of her just in time, catching it in his stealthy heart. The shadow left, and evil laughing took it's place.
Meanwhile, Pierre was dying.
Meanwhile, the shadow was Lord Vampyrek. The Lord retired to a room in a tall tower, and had some nachos. Sherri, the slave, brought them. "Thank you Pavlov. It has been a trying day. Please don't go into that room where the guests are. Also, I can't afford to pay you, so you'd better find some side job, or you'll be fired. And you know what that means." The vampirical teeth glinted in the summer moonlight. Pavlova suppressed tears of hatred for those teeth that had been glinting for the last 20 long years.
She must not show sorrow. She must hide her weaknesses well inside her hat. And she must not talk back. Sherri Pavlova had a terrible curse.
A lump welled in the vampire's throat, and vampirical cough medicine was administered.
"Don't get out of hand, you Pavlova"
Pavlova was struck silent. She always listened, but was sick of the word of The Lord.
Meantime, Pierre died.
"I didn't even know your name! Don't leave me!" Loretta winced affably. It was just too much.
"Lori." Pierre said.
"No, don't talk, then the blood will get all fast and you'll bleed to death." She required.
She tore a curtain and wrapped it around his heart.
"This will keep you safe for a little. You've got about five minutes left to live"
Remarkably, Pierre lived longer than five minutes.
At home, they ate dumplings, but while Loretta cooked them, she turned around and Pierre had run away! The melody of fear carried her out the door and to his dying shadow in the woods. Pierre was fading out of this world and into a new one.
"I had to say goodbye, Lori, I had to say goodbye," he said, his voice merely a translucent glow in the universe. Slowly he disappeared into the melancholy sunrise of death, and he vanished down the path of darkness. And he subsequently died.
At the castle, Sherri was feeding the evil unicorns when she heard a "Shhh"
from behind her. She whirlwinded around, expecting to see voldemort, but instead saw the bright grinning face of Loretta. Loretta was in shambles, everything had been so rough. Looking at her, your face would be consumed by tears. Sherri was of a strong Irish heart though,
and was so used to shambles that not a sob passed through her.
"Psst, can I get into the castle?" Loretta asked.
"Why, sure, lassie. The laundry chute is perfect size"
Sherri showed Loretta to the laundry chute. She was right, it was perfect size. Loretta crawled in, and climbed up, amid the voices of lost souls, she found her way to under a vampire bed. Someone was brushing their hair in a mirror. She crawled out from under the bed and came face to face with none other than Lord Vampyrek. Lord Vampyrek was actually a girl. She wore spiderwebs and black clothes made out of bats. Her long hair was up in a resplendently evil bun. The second she was done brushing her hair, she waved a wand and Loretta appeared in a dungeon.
"Not again," she sighed.
"Unh." said a handsome voice dressed in shadows.
Loretta gasped, galvanized. She crawled towards the voice and found a young man chained to the wall. His blonde hair was almost black with dirt, and his hazel eyes the same. She unchained the man, and found herself face to face with him.
"My name is Andy." he said. "I am a prince"
Butterflies of doubt paraded up and down in Loretta's stomach, having a field day,
fraternizing with her senses. They dined upon gum drops.
"My name is Loretta" she replied, and then added "I once was a princess, but now I am a widow." A funny thought struck her. How many times had she been widowed?
She couldn't remember, and began to cry.
"Don't cry, Lori." said Andy. Pierre used to call her Lori. Loretta cried harder.
Finally she stopped, and sniffed, then together they went home. Loretta decided not to marry Andy, so he left.
Loretta reflected upon the events that had plagued her day. Getting married to Toby,
getting rejected. Christ dying. His treehouse. Penky. The sparrows. She took out her wedding dress and slid her silky hands over the smooth but torn surface of the lovely fabric. Icy tears dove off her face and onto the fabric, creating rivers.
She looked up at the stars.
"They look like pearls." she said. "My mother's eyes..." she added after a thought.
This made her cry, and holding the dress, she cried herself to peaceful slumber, on the windowsill.
The next day she woke up, and found the window had closed by itself. And the dress was now sitting draped across her bed, perfectly repaired!
"Who could have done this?" she requested of the early dawn air. Outside it was crisp, and she saw some eyes in the bushes. She kicked the bush and out squeaked a little elf. "I sewed up your dress again," it said in a tiny voice. "We have another surprise for you"
and together the elves led Loretta to a clearing, in which lay a sad unicorn. The sad unicorn looked up.
"This is Toby" Said Mortimer. "If you kiss him he'll turn into a person again"
Loretta looked at Toby, the one true love of her life. She realized that all of her feelings for everyone else were just alibis. Toby. He was love itself.
She strode right up to the unicorn and kissed it right on the eye, and all aflutter it turned into Toby!
The elves cheered loudly. All of their clothes turned to wedding dresses and they were married on that very spot, and lived happily ever after.
By the way, if you are wondering what was in the diary of christ, well, it is far too much to put here. but the very last thing he wrote was:
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad take a sad song and make it better Remember to let her into your heart Then you can start to make it better And anytime you feel the pain Hey Jude refrain don't carry the world upon your shoulders For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder Hey Jude don't let me down You have found her, now go and get her Remember to let her into your heart then you can start to make it better So let it out and let it in Hey Jude begin You're waiting for someone to perform with And don't you know that it's just you Hey Jude, you'll do The movement you need is on your shoulder.

I wrote this song for Loretta, the only girl I ever loved"