Whoo! My first Artemis Fowl fic, so don't be too harsh, flamers!
DISCLAIMER: If I owned Artemis Fowl, then the world and Alex Rider would also be mine...
Artemis Fowl's Self Assessment
by Sakina The Fallen Angel
Please assess your schoolwork, target grades, behaviour, attitude to your teachers/peers, attendance, punctuality and ways you can generally improve in the box below.
Speaking from the point of view of a genius, naturally I would say that I am superior in every way to my fellow so called teachers and peers. I have a lot of better things to do with my time than to fill out this poor excuse for a self-assessment as I already know that there is no way this school can help me improve my development; I shall do this merely for my own amusement.
Let us begin with my schoolwork. I must say that my work is perfect, excluding the time I scored ninety-nine point nine percent on a maths test. Sometimes I still have horrifying nightmares over the extra decimal place, but a quick gloat over my bank balance makes them go away. Recently I reproduced a perfect copy of Van Gogh's Sunflowers in art class. I could have sold it for over one million pounds, had I not have chosen to make someone else feel bad by hanging it up next to their pathetic attempt at a nuclear warhead instead.
Sometimes people complain when I open my mouth, but all I can say to them is that my choice of vocabulary is beyond their intellectual capacity. I can think of a dozen words already to describe myself- precocious, superior, intellectual, brilliant, genius, prodigious, devious, exceptional, omniscient…the list goes on and on. Of course I have to limit my vocabulary to the level of the classroom, which generally involves words that are not even present in the Complete Oxford Dictionary of Contemporary English, in addition to grunting sounds that are reminiscent of Neanderthal man. And no, no matter what you say, 'supercallafragilisticexpeallodocious…' is not a word.
I don't think my attitude to my teachers or classmates has ever changed. I continue to treat them with the disrespect they deserve, and will continue to do so until they recognise that I am their leader. To me, they are the swinging apes on Darwin's dawn of evolution, whereas I am a fallen star of human knowledge, trapped and confined to the seasons of the school calendar. Touching.
The teachers refuse to teach me anymore, much to my disappointment, and some are threatening to sue for long-term mental damage. I smile, and a recital of pi to the first three hundred and fifty seven decimal places is usually enough to send them quivering.
As I have already said, I am far superior to any of my classmates and take great pleasure in laughing at their blunders. I try not to put my fellow students down too much though- it is an aspect of my personality I am working on. It wouldn't do to crush someone's false hope.
No one needs to know that my attendance is anything less than one hundred percent- in those occasional moments when I choose not to privilege my class with my radiance I simply hack into the records and alter them to my will. I don't think that it is a bad thing to do, just like the time I said my psychologist's chair wasn't real, or when I made an investigation into the effects of Sod's Law on a group of individuals in my science class.
My punctuality has always been uncannily on time. Some teachers say that I am in my next class before I have even left my last one, and to this I flash them an unnerving smile and ask them if theirmedication is working or not.
On a final note, I imagine I should finish in a positive light. To become a better person, I feel I should be less obnoxious to everyone in the vicinity, but of course that isn't going to happen. I mean, what better way to entertain yourself when you are bored is there than to make others feel downtrodden and worthless?
This is actually based on a self assessment we had to do in school to save our teachers the job of writing about us. I made mine really egoistic and the teacher couldn't stop laughing and wouldn't give it back
How was it?