Title: Compromising Positions

Author: Kate McCaye

Rating: T? Mild T, if that.

Category: Humor

Summary: So I've got this list of stories to write, but I swore I'd finish all the Birthday Traditions before I started another series. But you know how it is, sometimes your brain refuses to obey. The basic idea here is that it's meant to be a series of incidents which will all have some or all of SG1 in the position to utter the phrase, "This isn't what it looks like." So, first up on the list, Jack and Sam. (Who else?)

Compromising Positions: Jack, Sam, and the Thong From Hell

Ch 1: Monday

Major General George Hammond was absolutely furious. Livid. Enraged. Incensed with anger. Hopping mad, infuriated... he couldn't think of another synonym that adequately described his current state of mind. Pacing his office like a caged tiger (a rotund, very bald tiger that is), he figured it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Still. They should have been more careful. Damn idiots. Both of them. Even Carter, and she was supposed to be the smart one.

The 'damn idiots' in question entered Hammond's office, clearly oblivious to the reason they were summoned to General Hammond's office so early on this particularly lovely Monday morning.

"General, did you miss us so much over the weekend that you just had to see us before the nine o'clock briefing?" Jack asked jovially as he sauntered into the room with a self-confident smirk in place, his 2IC trailing behind him.

Hammond shot him the look that plainly said, "Now is not the time to mess with me if you value your position here at the SGC."

Jack stopped, mid-saunter, and turned to Carter for an explanation. She gave a slight shrug. Hammond looked at her carefully. "You're sunburned," he said in what Sam couldn't help but think was a bit of an accusatory tone of voice for returning from a long weekend a little bit pink.

"Yes, sir, a little," she said cautiously.

"I take it your weekend off went well then?" he asked, leaning forward and resting his palms on the shiny wood surface of his desk.

"Yes, sir, thank you for asking," Sam answered, trying not to show that she was more than a little surprised at the General's sudden, inexplicable anger. It had been his idea to give SG1 the long weekend off in the first place.

"Sit down," Hammond ordered them both.

Jack and Sam sat down in unison. Jack sank back into his chair, while Sam was perched on the end of hers. "Are we waiting for Danny and Teal'c too, because when I left Teal'c he was steadily working his way through three pounds of eggs in the commissary..." Jack started.

"No. I haven't called them yet. I wanted to give you two a chance to explain yourselves first."

"Er... okay, sir. Well, I know sometimes I can be a little grouchy, and I may not always get my reports in on time, but I've always felt that deep down on the inside, I'm really just a..."

"Colonel O'Neill, I am not in the mood for your attitude!" Hammond barked.

"Sorry, General," Jack said, looking down. Okay, maybe he had pushed a little too hard, but he didn't understand. What could he and Carter possibly have done to piss him off already? They'd only been on base long enough to change into their BDUs and eat breakfast, forcryinoutloud!

"Sir, what would you like us to explain?" Carter asked gently, clearly trying to calm the two men down.

"I would like to explain why I overheard two Airmen joking about a conversation they allegedly overheard between the two of you that clearly indicates that you are flagrantly disregarding the fraternization regulations. And I'd like to know right now."

Jack waved a hand. "Come on, sir, you know the rumor mill around here as well as anyone."

"Yes, I do, Colonel. Unfortunately, I happened to ask where they overheard this conversation. Apparently it took place in the locker room this morning. Were you both in the locker room together this morning?"

"Yes, sir," they admitted. They still had no idea what he could possibly be talking about, however.

"Okay. Are you both aware that there are surveillance cameras in the locker room?"

"Yes, sir."

"Are you aware that those are equipped with audio as well?"

"Yes, sir," Sam said immediately. Jack hadn't known that, but he didn't see the relevance.

"Obviously this is not monitored unless a situation such as this one needs verification. I will give you both one more chance to come clean here: are you currently or have you ever violated the fraternization regulations?"

"No, sir!" they both insisted.

"Then," Hammond said, clearly disappointed with both of them. "How in the hell do you explain this?"

He got up and practically stomped into the briefing room. Jack spent half a second wondering whether the gate technicians on the floor below had heard that, picturing bits of Sheetrock raining down on Walter while he sat in his sad little chair...

"COLONEL! NOW!" Hammond barked.

Jack winced and hurried into the briefing room, Sam following. She couldn't help but think that she looked guilty, even though she knew for certain that she wasn't. Hammond nodded at the conference table so they sat down in their usual seats. Hammond picked up the remote, lowered the display screen that slid down over the star chart, and said, "Listen carefully, people."

A slightly grainy picture, clearly from the little camera that lived in the corner of the locker room, came on the display. Jack and Sam watched the video footage closely. On-screen, Sam was standing with her back to her open locker, one foot propped up on the bench between two rows of lockers as she tied her boot. Jack walked in with a bag in one hand and said, "Hey, Carter. Didn't know you were in here."

"I'm almost done, sir," she said, turning back to her locker. She disappeared from the camera's vision at this point because the open locker door was blocking her from sight.

"Breakfast with the boys in ten?" on-screen Jack asked casually as he started to change.

"Sounds good, sir."

"Oh, before I forget, when I was unpacking last night I found a stowaway in my bag."

"Oh no, sir, I specifically told Teal'c he couldn't bring that hermit crab home..."

On-screen Jack chuckled and said, "Nope. Wasn't that. I finally found your missing thong!"

On-screen Carter peeked around her locker door and asked, "You did? Really?"


"Great, I was afraid I'd never see it again!"

"I don't see why it was so important for you to find it. It's not like you don't have eighty-four thousand other ones."

"But this one is so comfortable though... you wouldn't understand."

"No, I guess I wouldn't."

"I'm still holding you responsible for the destruction of the other one, sir."

"I know, I know. I'll replace it," he assured her. "Same color?"

"If you can find it, yes please."


"So do you have it with you?"

"What do I look like, your personal valet?"

"No sir, but..."

"Well as you appear to be completely dressed from head to toe, I'm going to assume that there isn't a thong emergency this morning. You can get it whenever."

"Yes, sir," on-screen Sam said, shutting her locker harder than was necessary. "You know, I warned you that something like this would happen."

On-screen Jack smirked, "You're absolutely right, Major. I promise that I will never again use one of your thongs as a toy."


"Oh. And I will certainly never get Daniel and Teal'c to join in the fun and play keep-away-from-Carter with it on the beach. Now. Breakfast?"

"Yes, sir."

On-screen Jack and Sam left the locker room, both walking rather jauntily, clearly oblivious to all the trouble they had just created for off-screen Jack and Sam.

The Jack who was sitting at the conference table banged his head loudly on the surface of the table. Carter buried her face in her hand. Hammond switched off the tape and turned to them. "Well? NOW do you have something you'd like to tell me!"


A/N: More to come.