"Uh, Hillary…?" a girl sitting behind the now-frantic Hillary said uncertainly. "Are you ok?"
"No, Karen, I'm not ok!" Hillary snapped. "I have all these men who chase after me and I don't know why! Even the wall wants me, Karen! THE WALL!"
Karen began to back away slowly. "Hillz," she said, her eyes wide, "When you invited me over here to spend the night, I didn't realize you were on drugs."
"I'm not on drugs!" Hillary shouted. "Red Dye 40 does this to me sometimes, but that's completely beside the point!"
"Maybe I should just go home," Karen muttered. "I thought we'd be doing the usual sleep-over stuff… you know, marshmallows, staying up until three in the morning, lightsaber duels to the Crazy Frog Song…"
"And now Gladys is calling me Madame Hooker Boots - " Hillary snarled in fury.
"Really?" Karen looked interested. "Why?"
"Because she's jealous of my hooker boots!" Hillary said furiously.
"So… you really are Madame Hooker Boots," Karen said, raising an eyebrow.
"Nooooo!" Hillary screamed, enraged. "I am NOT a committee!"
No sooner had the words left her mouth than the door burst open.
"Oh, great," Hillary groaned. "Now my door's busted, and my mom's gonna kill me - "
"Don't worry," a deep voice said. "I'll save her the work."
Darth Maul entered the room with a slow, menacing growl. He glared icily at the two friends and said, "All assembled here shall die."
"Oh, not you too!" Hillary snapped in exasperation.
Karen glanced at Hillary. "Jeez, Hillz, what kind of weirdos have you been hanging out with?" she demanded. "Are you a gang member? Because I'm against gangs."
Maul looked confused, but he plowed ahead anyway. "Since you are female and unarmed, I will kill you as painlessly as I may." He paused. "On second thought, no, I won't." He ignited his flaming read lightsaber and held it aloft.
"Whoa!" Karen said, amazed. "Sweet lightsaber!"
Maul glared at her, and then prepared to thrust the lightsaber into Hillary's heart.
A blue lightsaber smashed against the shimmering crimson blade. Maul met his foe's gaze unwaveringly and hissed, "Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Obi-Wan glared at the Sith Lord. "Yes," he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "It is I."
"Oh, shut up," Hillary said angrily. "That's actually Obi-Wan #1. He's kind of evil. He likes S&M. I know, because this one time - "
"GAH!" Karen screamed and covered her ears with her hands.
Hillary shrugged. "Obi-Wan #10's the real one," she concluded.
"Yes!" Obi-Wan #10 said, randomly appearing. "I am the true Jedi Knight!"
"Good job!" A third, bearded Obi-Wan also randomly appeared beside the first two.
Maul stared at them all, slightly perplexed, and then shrugged. "It will be good to kill you all," he said, and with that, he attacked.
All four fought a noble battle in Hillary's room. They flipped, parried, thrusted, spun, and tried to avoid making too much noise after Hillary's mom yelled at them.
"Hillary!" she yelled up the stairs. "Stop banging around up there!"
"Sorry, mom!" everyone in the room called. They lifted their lightsabers to duel again, and then paused, realizing that they had just called an unfamiliar woman 'mom.' Then they shrugged and went back to attempting to kill each other.
The bearded Obi-Wan was the first to die. "Good job!" he said as he tumbled to the floor with a lightsaber wound in his chest.
Next to go was Obi-Wan #1. Maul rather gracefully beheaded him before he could make any dirty S&M related commentary on the pain.
Obi-Wan #10 was losing the fight badly and made an attempt to cute his nemesis in half, but Maul beat him to the punch (so to speak.) As Obi-Wan #10 fell to the ground in two pieces, he gasped out, "That… was… my… move!"
Maul shrugged. "Too bad," he said, and then he turned back to Hillary. "Your turn," he said, raising the lightsaber.
"But I don't wanna die!" she screeched. "I'm not a towel!"
Maul stabbed her through the heart.
"Not… a… committee…" Hillary said, and collapsed.
Karen stared at the wreckage, carnage, and other adjectives ending in -age surrounding her and gulped nervously. "You know, I wasn't kidding when I said that lightsaber was cool," she as Maul approached her, grinning maniacally. "Seriously. I wish I had one like it." She paused. "Oh, wait, actually - "
Maul raised his lightsaber.
Maul stared at the strange thing that had suddenly leaped before him. "Who the hell are you?" he snarled.
"I'm Po, the cross-dressing vampire!" Po said perkily, smoothing his French maid skirt. "And I'm here to defend - "
Maul stabbed him through the stomach and then tossed him aside with the Force. He turned back to Karen and said, "And now you too shall die."
Karen seemed to be staring at Po's corpse. "You didn't kill him, you know," she said casually. "He may be stupid, but he doesn't die that easily."
Maul waved a hand carelessly and raised his lightsaber again. "He is as dead as you will be in a moment," he informed her.
"Oh, I don't think so," Karen said, and suddenly she whipped out -
"Darth Maul, meet Frickin' Huge Sword," Karen said with a smirk, holding out a sword that was taller and thicker than her by several feet both ways. "Frickin' Huge Sword, meet your nemesis!"
Frickin' Huge Sword made a strange vibrating motion. "Sha-WING! Sha-WANG! Sha-THWING! Sha-WHOOSSH!" it said.
"Now," Karen said, grinning triumphantly, "Let us duel."
Maul shrugged again and deftly cut the metal Frickin' Huge Sword in half.
Karen stared at the sad remains of Frickin' Huge Sword. "No!" she cried. "Look what you've done to Frickin' Huge Sword! My friend!" She wept over its broken blade for about five seconds. Then she recovered and remembered she was about to die.
"Good-bye, earth girl," Maul said, raising his lightsaber.
Karen gave a sort of resigned sigh. "But I wanted to die in Antarctica…" she muttered unhappily.
Then, with a quick slash of his lightsaber, Karen, too, was dead.
"Hi, my name is Po the cross-dressing vampire, and I'm still here to defend - " Po stopped and stared in horror at Karen's body on the floor. "Oh shoot," he said, stomping his high-heeled foot.
Maul stared at him. "I killed you!" he exclaimed in fury.
"Nuh-uh," Po said, waving a finger in Maul's face - never a good idea. "Obviously you didn't, because I'm still standing here."
"I stabbed you!" Maul shouted. He pointed at a hole in Po's stomach. "Right there!"
Po looked at it, and then screamed. "Oh my God!" he wailed. "Do you have any idea what you've done to my cute little French maid dress? Ruined! I'll never be able to wear this again!"
Maul gave a disgusted snarl and stabbed Po yet again through the stomach. "Die, worthless pig!" he spat.
"Ouch," Po muttered, and then he fell to the floor.
Maul stalked out of the room, in a considerably worse mood than he had originally thought he would be. But it didn't matter at this point; it was time to go to his next victim: imatrekkie.
- - - - - - - - -
Gabby was pacing rapidly around her room, twitching spasmodically. Her fingers were curled as though wrapped around someone's throat. "Stupid… moronic… idiots!" she hissed through clenched teeth. "I'll kill them! All of them! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - "
The door to her room creaked open.
"Kira, you had better stop spying on me or I'll - " Gabby whirled and stopped when she saw that it wasn't her little sister standing there. "Oh," she said disdainfully. "It's a Star Wars villain."
Darth Maul stepped into her room and used the Force to close the door. "I am here to destroy you," he said.
Gabby snorted. "You and everyone else," she said.
"Do not mock me, earthling!" Maul barked at her. "I have suffered enough at the hands of your females! You will be crushed!"
"Crush," Gabby said under her breath. Aloud she said, "I'd like to see you attempt that."
Maul smirked. "With pleasure," he said, raising his lightsaber.
Maul snarled in exasperation. "Where are all these people coming from?" he demanded. "Who are you?" he added as he studied the bulky figure standing before him.
"I am Worf," Worf said. "And I am here to defend my honor. And the girl."
"WORF!" Gabby howled. "I get Worf defending me? He's one of the biggest idiots on the Enterprise! Why couldn't Odo or Picard show up?"
"Picard sent me," Worf said, looking put out. "He told me that I must improve your image of me. He said that by defending you my honor would be restored in your eyes once again."
"Is that all you're about?" Gabby screamed. "Your stupid honor?"
"I am Klingon," Worf said woundedly. "I must protect my GAAAAAAACK…"
Worf collapsed to the floor, choking and gasping. Maul stood behind him, his hand raised. He held it in its Force-choking position until he was certain Worf was dead. He looked up with a grin at Gabby and said, "At last you will die, young earth female."
"Great," Gabby scowled. "Just great! Now I get stupid Po defending me!"
"Hi, I'm Po, the cross-dressing vampire!" Po said lightly, now dressed in a little Dutch girl outfit complete with wooden shoes and long blonde braids. "And I'm here to defend - "
"I'VE KILLED YOU TWO TIMES ALREADY!" Maul bellowed. "HOW IN ALL THE GODS' NAMES HAVE YOU SURVIVED?"
"Well, it's not that difficult, considering that I'm a vampire," Po said with a grin, twisting a blonde braid around his finger. "But I must say my dress didn't survive nearly as well. Two burn holes, Gabby! Can you believe it? Two burn holes! One perfectly good French maid costume totally spoiled - "
Maul gave a furious yell and stabbed Po through for the third time.
"NOOOO!" Po wept as he collapsed to the floor. "Yet another dress ruined!"
Gabby looked at Po's body on the floor and then looked back up at Maul. "You haven't kill him yet, you know," she said. "Just temporarily wounded him. You see, he - "
"SHUT UP!" Maul roared, and stabbed her through the heart.
"Bloody hell," Gabby muttered, and then she was dead.
"Good riddance," Maul said quietly to himself. "The last thing the world needs is another Trekkie…"
Now it was time for his third target: anakin'sastooge.
- - - - - - - - -
Katie was sitting on her bed, holding her new rubber ducky in her hands. "Oh, Ducky," she said with a sigh. "I miss your old friend. Stupid Ben Swanson for lighting him on fire!" She started to cry. "Why did he have to die?" she wailed. "I loved him! Him AND the cheesecake!"
"Poor fool," a deep voice said from behind her. "You will find your plastic yellow waterfowl will be of no use to you now."
Katie turned to Darth Maul and sniffled. "My ducky listens to all my problems," she said. "How can you call that useless?"
Maul rolled his eyes and raised his lightsaber.
Maul lowered his lightsaber with an angry sigh. "Not again," he groaned, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "What now?"
Katie's rubber ducky rose in the air before Maul. "I'm Alec the Bright Yellow Duck of Rubberiness, and I'm here to protect Katie and listen to all her problems and feed her cheesecake."
"That's nice," Maul said, and slashed at the duck.
"NO!" Katie screamed. "Don't you dare harm my - GAH!"
Maul had pushed Katie in her side to hold her back from the duck. What he hadn't realized was that Katie was very ticklish.
"GAH!" she squealed as she collapsed to the floor. Maul stared at her curiously as she struggled to stand. When she was at last on her feet again, he reached out and poked her in the side once more.
Maul watched her with a growing malicious grin as she got up from the floor.
"For God's sake, stop!" Alec the Bright Yellow Duck of Rubberiness cried. "Oh, the inhumanity!"
Maul sighed. The game was fun, but he needed to end this. He thrust forward with his lightsaber, melting the rubber ducky ("I'm melting! I'm melting!") and then stabbed backwards, killing Katie.
Maul sighed and turned to glare at the newcomer. "A little late, aren't we, Po?" he said to the cross-dressing vampire.
"Hi! I'm Po the cross-dressing vampire, and I'm here to defend - oh dear," Po said when he noticed Katie's body and the puddle of bright yellow goo, clutching at the veil now hiding half of his face. He was wearing a harem girl costume with pointy-toed shoes and veils.
Maul raised a non-existent eyebrow and looked him up and down. "It's a good look," he said. "I think you should keep it."
"Do you?" Po said, admiring himself in Katie's mirror. "Well, I actually thought it looked rather good myself; covers more than the French maid and Dutch girl outfits, you know, but it's not too prudish or boring - "
Maul stabbed the vampire through the stomach again. "I'm getting tired of killing you," he said to Po's body as it collapsed to the floor. "So I'm going to randomly stab you until I'm sure your dead."
He proceeded to do this until Po's body was covered in large burnt-looking holes. "Sorry about your outfit," Maul apologized insincerely, and then he turned and walked out.
- - - - - - - - -
Sasha was dancing around her room singing loudly to the song "Forward Motion" by Relient K.
"I struggle with forward motion…" she shouted loudly and off-key. "Cuz forward motion is harder than it sounds - "
Suddenly, from behind her, she hard a low growl. "You - Canadian Llama Farmer," a voice hissed.
Sasha turned around and saw Darth Maul standing before her window. "Good morning, sunshine!" she said with a grin.
He glared at her. "How can you possibly be so happy?" he demanded. "So unreserved? So I-don't-even-know-what-because-I-don't-use-happy-sounding-adjectives-ever?"
Sasha shrugged. "I find that a nice combination of chocolate, Gerard Butler, and a dartboard with my enemies' faces on it typically does the trick," she said. "You should try it sometime. Except without Gerard Butler. Otherwise, I highly recommend it."
Maul sneered at the advice. "We will see how much good such a regimen does for you once you are dead."
Suddenly, Po burst out of Sasha's closet. "Surprise!" he giggled, pulling down his small naughty-nurse costume skirt. "What do you think? After you totally ruined the harem pants I thought that I needed to go with a new look and I found this at some cheap store that was also selling tutorial videotapes on exotic dancing. I've got this really great stripper routine worked out, want to see?"
"NO!" both Sasha and Maul exclaimed.
"Too bad!" Po said brightly. "I just need some music and I'm reading to go! Oh, hey, this Relient K stuff might work - "
"Oh, dear Lord," Sasha groaned. "Please don't ruin Relient K for me like that."
"I'm going to kill him," Maul snarled, seething. He raised his lightsaber.
"Wait!" Sasha shouted.
Maul stopped and looked back at her incredulously. "You want him to live?" he demanded.
"All ready for the routine!" Po announced. "I just need to get in the right frame of mind - "
"No," Sasha said in answer to Maul's question. "I was just going to tell you to stab him through the heart with this - " She handed him a small knife that popped out of a cross-shaped handle - "And then cut his head off. That's the only way vampires die."
Maul took the knife gratefully from her hands. "Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times - "
"Ok, ready now!" Po exclaimed.
"Just do it!" Sasha yelled.
Maul turned and stabbed Po through the heart and cut off his head.
Sasha stared at the blood on her wall as Maul wiped his hands clean on his black robes. "Great," she muttered. "Just great. Now my Wall of Crazy is covered in blood." She considered, and then shrugged. "Who cares?" she said to herself. "Po's dead!"
"Yes," Maul said with a smile. "And I am afraid you must die too."
Sasha smiled widely at him. "You go ahead and try that," she told him.
He raised his lightsaber. He stopped and waited.
He sighed in relief and prepared to stab Sasha through the heart.
"Bound, bound, bound and rebound!"
Maul turned as he felt the floor vibrate and saw a bright pink computer-animated Jackalope leaping towards him. "What the hell…?" he said.
The Jackalope bounded up to him and stopped, laying a paw on his shoulder. "What's your problem, son?" he said in a gentle, understanding voice.
Maul stared at the Jackalope. "Um…" He paused and thought. "Nothing…"
"It looks like something's wrong," the Jackalope said. "Seein' as how you're trying to kill this poor young lady here."
Sasha blinked her eyes innocently.
"You know what you gotta do, son, when things go bad?" the Jackalope asked.
"Noooo… but - "
"You just gotta - " Here the Jackalope began to sing. - "Bound, bound, bound and rebound…"
He continued to sing this while leaping around Maul, until Maul was nearly driven out of his mind. "GAH!" he shouted. "Stop… the… happy… inspirational… messages… no! GAAAAAAAAHHH!"
And with that he fled Sasha's room and the terrors that hid there.
Sasha looked at the Jackalope and grinned at him. "Good work, mork swack," she said to him.
He gave her a thumbs up and hopped out of her room, still singing "Bound, bound, bound and rebound…"
- - - - - - - - - -
Maul leapt onto his speeder and flew as fast as he could back to his ship. But he was startled upon his return to find that there was a cluster of young girls standing around the entryway. "Oh, no…" he groaned as he stopped his speeder bike just short of the group.
"OH MY GOD!" one of them screamed. "He's here! He's really here!"
And suddenly, Maul was surrounded by a group of hysterical screaming fangirls.
"I had a tracking device set up," one girl told him breathlessly. "I watched and I waited and I saw someone had come and I hoped it was you so I called all the other girls and you're HERE! OH MY GOD YOU'RE HERE!"
"And I'm leaving!" Maul snarled. "Right now!"
"Take me with you!" the girls chorused in whiny, high pitched shouts. "I wanna go to the galaxy far far away and hunt Jedi and get tattoos and horns and play with your lightsaber - "
Maul was deeply shaken by the extremely dirty implications of this statement, and he screamed at them, "You want to play with my lightsaber? Fine! Taste laser blades!" He whipped out his lightsaber and spun it above his head.
"Oh my God," one girl gasped. "He's so sexy!"
She was the first to go down.
Maul mowed them all to the ground, one by one, continually stunned by their reactions to their fellow females' deaths. They didn't care. They were too happy watching him fight. It was an insane nightmare! Women, chasing after him? Drooling over him? He was a Sith! He took over the galaxy and killed things and killed Jedi and killed more things and killed yet more things! He didn't waste time on foolish girls such as these!
Once they had all fallen dead to the ground, Maul turned and ran up the ramp to his ship and took off as fast he could, praying to whatever entity had created the universe that he would never have to return to that wretched place.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Lord Sidious was meditating in one of the rooms he kept secreted away from Coruscant society when Darth Maul returned. "Tell me of your mission's success, my young apprentice," he said.
Maul came to stand in front of Sidious, his yellow eyes burning with rage. "Never," he snarled, breathing raggedly, "Send me near that planet again!"
Sidious smiled serenely at these words. "I thought so," he said, and left it at that.
- - - - - - - - -
Somewhere on earth, in a galaxy far, far away from Darth Maul's, a screaming fangirl stirred…
UP NEXT IN THE SCREAMING FANGIRLS CONTINUUM: SCREAMING FANGIRLS II: FANGIRL ON A MISSION