Honey, I Think Stewie's A Freakin' Giant
Written by: FG writer
(This script contains material that the reader may be offended by, especially if you are sensitive to foul language, or issues regarding race, sex, religion, or violence. For those who are offended, please realize two things: 1. My 'Family Guy' scripts only display the fact that I know what the 'Family Guy' audience will laugh at, and NOT what my way of thinking/beliefs are. 2. Typical 'Family Guy' humor is edgy and sometimes controversial by nature, so of course this fanfic will be the same. Parts in bold text are the main scenes of the episode. Parts in non-bold text are sequences showing a flashback/daydream/TV clip/movie clip/commercial/scene-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-main-story/etc. Words that have short dashes within them e.g. I-I-I think that/Y-you know indicate natural stuttering, something 'Family Guy' has that most cartoons don't.)
(Outside shot of the Griffins' house)
(Peter and Brian are sitting on the living room couch, watching TV)
(Scene change to TV screen. On the TV screen is a hostage situation; a criminal has a gun to an 8-year-old girl's head, and is surrounded by police and a concerned crowd. He's sitting with the girl on the steps outside of a building)
Criminal: "All right, back up! Everybody just back up or the little girl gets it!"
Cop on bullhorn: "All right, just calm down, son! I'm here to help you!"
Criminal: "Shut up! Just shut up or I'll shoot her; I swear to God!"
Cop on bullhorn: "Okay-okay, son, just take it easy, alright? No one's gonna do anything!"
Criminal: "Let me tell you somethin', man...you listen to me, and you listen good! I am NOT...GOIN'...TO PRISON...AGAIN! You hear me?!"
Cop on bullhorn: "All right! All right...I just wanna say one thing! Just one thing."
Criminal: (growls, looks around angrily, then snaps his head back at the speaking officer) "What?!"
Cop on bullhorn: "...I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico." (he smiles proudly, then chuckles a little)
(other cops and bystanders look at him either incredulously or in shock, he then loses his smile. Then the criminal looks at him incredulously)
Criminal: "What the hell's wrong with you! I'm about to shoot her and you're making jokes?!"
(Camera zoom out to the newsdesk of Tom & Diane, while showing picture-in-picture of the hostage situation)
Tom: (in a shocked, hushed voice to Diane Simmons) "Did he just actually say that!"
Brian: "Well, it's official. That joke's finally gotten old."
(Outside shot of the Griffins' house)
(Scene change to Peter and Brian sitting on the living room couch, watching TV)
Peter: "Hey-hey, Brian, who do you think is the hottest newswoman on TV right now?"
Brian: "Hmmm. I'd have to go with Kaity Tong. She's like Tricia Takanawa, except smarter and with a better accent."
Peter: "Well, you know, I don't know. I kinda have my eye on Diane Simmons lately."
Peter :"Yeah...but you know who's really hot, right?"
Brian: (chuckles) "Oh yeah..."
Peter & Brian at the same time: "...Michaela Pereira! Yeah..."
Peter: "...she has big boobies."
(Chris walks in)
Chris: "Hey, dad, there's gonna be a 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' marathon tonight. You wanna watch it with me?"
Peter: "Ah, sorry, Chris, I can't. Me and your mother are supposed to go out tonight. I can't even weasel my way out of it like I usually do 'cause I lost a bet with her."
(Scene change. Peter and Brian are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Lois walks in, rubbing her palms together and laughing evilly)
Peter: (weirded out) "Whoooa...what's wrong with you? What are you laughin' for?"
Lois: "I just learned how to tap into a hidden power I have. Now I can make anyone do anything I want them to, just by telling them!"
Peter: "Hah! Yeah, right!"
Lois: (annoyed) "Oh, you don't believe me? I'll prove it to you! I'll make you do something right now, like get your fat ass to get up and actually do some work around here for once!"
Peter: "Please, Lois. I just ate 12 jumbo hot dogs. Me just leaning forward right now isn't even a safe bet."
Lois: "Oh, yeah? I bet you that you'll get off that couch before I even have to order you a second time! And if I do it...you have to take me out on a date Friday night!"
Peter: "Hah! You're on! And if you don't do it, then you'll have to make me those big double-chocolate-chip cookies with the M 'n' M's baked inside."
Lois: "Fine! Peter...GET OFF THAT COUCH, NOW!"
Peter: "No." (then laughs)
(Lois smiles & walks away, and Peter gets a puzzled look on his face. Then Brian slaps his hand/paw/whatever over his eyes in an 'I can't believe he just fell for that' way. Peter sees this and asks)
Peter: "What the hell just happened?"
Brian: (Sighs) "You're a big boy, Peter." (He gets off the couch and walks away) "I think you can put it together yourself."
(2 seconds after Brian leaves, Peter finally gets how Lois fooled him)
Peter: "Aw, freakin' crap!"
(Scene change. Lois walks in)
Lois: "Your father's right, Chris. We're going out for a perfect night of dinner and dancing, aren't we, Peter?"
Peter: "Hey, I'm all for the dinner part, but I don't think I'm gonna be doing too much dancing, not after that episode of 'Soul Train' that I saw."
(Scene change to the 'Soul Train' show, during the 'Soul Train line'. Hip-hop music is playing. A guy wearing a basketball jersey and jeans does a couple of cool hip-hop dances, then puts his head on the ground, uses it to support his now-upside-down body, and uses his arms to propel himself into an extra-long head spin. During the spin, though, he breaks his neck, and a very audible bone snap is heard. He falls to the ground, and everyone stops dancing, gasps, turn away in disgust, etc.)
Lois: "Oh, and Chris, I'm gonna need you and Meg to watch over Stewie tonight, so you're gonna have to miss that marathon."
Chris: "Aw, man...well, why can't Brian watch him?"
Brian: "Oh, yeah, I'm really looking forward to a whole night of discussing whether Clay Aiken is a gay guy or a lesbian." (scoffs) "Like my life isn't short enough."
(Scene change to later in the evening, Lois and Peter about to go out. Lois goes downstairs where Chris and Meg are)
Lois: "Hurry up, Peter, we're running late! All right, kids we're about to leave."
Chris: "But mom, I don't know how to take care of Stewie. I don't know how to feed him, or change his diaper."
Meg: "Don't worry, Chris, I'll show you how to do all that."
(Peter comes down the stairs, dressed great for his date)
Peter: "Yeah, just go to Meg, Chris, she'll help you. And if she can't, just go with your gut feeling. That always worked for me."
(Peter's at a zoo with a group, all of them standing in front of a bear's cage. They're listening to a zoo employee (tour guide) talk about interesting facts about the bear, then...)
Peter: (Narrows his eyes as if he's realizing something) "Wait a second..."
(Peter goes right up to the cage bars, standing directly in front of the bear)
Zoo employee: "Hey...hey, you! Get away from there!"
(Peter stands in front of the bear, puts his thumb and forefinger under his chin in the 'thinking' position, then...)
Peter: "Hah! Just as I suspected. Hey, everybody, it's a trick! This isn't a bear. It's just a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat!"
(With one swipe, the bear sticks his arm out through the cage bars, and lops off the top half of Peter's head, everything above his mouth)
Peter: "...Touche, Mr. bear."
Peter: "...W-well maybe not always, but you'll be fine. We'll only be gone for a couple of hours."
(Stewie walks in and hears Peter)
Stewie: "What! Where the devil do you think you're going?"
Lois: "Me and your daddy are going out on a date, sweetie."
Stewie: "Uh-huh. And exactly who the hell is supposed to feed me and take care if m..." (looks at Meg and Chris) "You've GOT to be kidding me. All right-all right, so you're basically telling me that I'm to be left in the care of a living sex repellent and a walking beached whale?"
Lois: (To Meg and Chris) "We should be back around 11:00. Just make sure Stewie goes to sleep no later than 9:00."
(Lois walks out the front door)
Peter: (Rubs Stewie's head) "See ya, stinky!"
(Peter walks out the door after Lois)
Meg: (starts to go upstairs) "See ya, wide load!"
Chris: "W-wait. Where are you going?"
Meg: "To chat with Jan and Erica on-line! There's tons of rumors swirling tonight and I want to hear 'em all. I don't have time to watch Stewie tonight."
Chris: "Well, wait, I'm supposed to be watching Gumbel 2 Gumbel all night!"
Meg: "Those are reruns! You've already seen every single one of those episodes!" (sighs) "Look, obviously one of us has to look after him, and it's not gonna be me!"
Chris: (in a confident-but-dorky tone) "Well...it's...not...gonna...be me!"
(Both Chris and Meg look at Brian)
Brian: "Look, I already told you I'm not..."
(Chris runs to the couch, sits down and grabs the remote. Meg runs upstairs)
Brian: "Hey...he-hey! Chris...don't you dare turn on that TV!"
(Chris turns on the TV)
"D-don't put it on channel 11..."
(Chris puts it on channel 11, which shows an episode of Gumbel 2 Gumbel. The following can be faintly heard from the TV)
Lady: (screams) "Aaahhhh! Somebody help! That man just peed on my cat!"
Bryant Gumbel: "We're on it, ma'am! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm-mm-hmm-mm-hmm."
(Brian runs over to the stairs and goes 3 steps up, then yells up at Meg)
Brian: "Meg...don't you turn on that computer...Meg...Meg, don't you dare go on-line!"
(dial-up internet connection sounds can be faintly heard from upstairs)
Brian: (walks back down and sighs) "I COULD'VE been one of those bitchy mutts that bite their owners for no reason, but no; I just HAD to be civilized."
(Brian walks over to the kitchen)
Stewie: "Now where are YOU going?! You saw the two stooges ditch their responsibility. (changes to an unusually whimpering tone of voice) "You...you're supposed to take care of me."
Brian: "Take care of yourself."
Stewie: (taken aback) "Now-now see here! You serve me, dog, or I'll..."
Brian: "Please, kid. Don't waste your time with idle threats. I'm not worried about you."
Stewie: "What the devil are you talking about, you're not worried about me?"
Brian: "Well, face it kid, you've gotten soft. You spent the last 2 weeks watching talk shows instead of violent movies, and now whenever you go on the net, instead of searching for black market web sites, you read forums about episodes of Frasier." (scoffs, then sarcastically says) "Still thinking about taking over the world?"
(Brian goes into the kitchen)
(Stewie raises a pointed forefinger and opens his mouth, like he's about to say something, but stops)
Stewie: "Oh my God, he's right. I HAVE lost touch with my demonic side lately. I can't BELIEVE I was actually dependent on those three abominations to society." (walks toward the stairs and sighs in depression) "Is it true, Stewart? Has your thirst for destruction and world rule finally diminished to nothing?"
(Stewie walks slowly upstairs to his room, but at the middle of the stairs, he stops)
Stewie: "...No! No, I won't let this happen! I'm tired of scheming and plotting, and never actually DOING anything! This time, I have to actually think of something that will have guaranteed results! But what?"
(Stewie thinks for three seconds)
Stewie: "Nothing! I have nothing! Oh, God. I haven't felt this bad since that time I accidentally shrunk myself and those two idiots."
(Inch-high versions of Stewie, Chris, and Meg are shown standing together on the Griffins' living room couch)
Meg: "How are we gonna get down from here?"
Stewie: "A-all right, don't worry, I have an idea. First we throw fat boy here (thumbing to Chris) to the ground; now he'll probably die. So I'll need you (pointing to Meg) to jump as close to his corpulent corpse as you can, so I can then jump down and bounce right off..."
(Peter walks in wearing a white undershirt and boxers.)
Meg: "Hey, there's dad!"
(Peter walks over to the couch while his 3 kids call him over for help in small, squeaky voices, of course. However, he doesn't hear them, and consequently sits down on them hard and turns on the TV. The kids yell in pain. Peter then raises one leg, shuts his eyes hard, clenches his teeth, and does a hard, strenuous, stuttering fart, lasting exactly 6 seconds. During this, all 3 kids scream bloody murder. At the end of the fart, Peter gives a sigh of relief, smiles, and continues watching TV. Three seconds of silence pass, as if all three are unconscious from the fart)
Stewie: "Wait a second! That's it! If I can rebuild that shrink ray, and reverse its effects...YES!...hmmmm...It appears my plan will need substantial funding, as usual. Of course, I could always rob a bank...but no...not after last time..."
(Stewie's standing in front of a bank in black 'robber' clothes, with a black ski mask raised on his head and a gun in his hand)
Stewie: (a little nervously) "All right, Stewie old boy, take it easy, now...you've done this a million times before..." (takes a couple of deep breaths) "Showtime!"
(He covers his face with the ski mask, then runs into the bank)
Stewie: (shouting while running in) "All right! Everybody put your hands in...aahhh!"
(Stewie says 'aahhh!' because he slips, falls on his back, and slides all the way into the bank's front desk, head-first. He's knocked out cold. A janitor with a floor buffer walks into the scene. Everyone ignores Stewie)
Stewie: "...and since I have no money-making skills, my only choice is to find some sort of sponsor. But what fool would give millions of dollars to a mere child, simply for the purpose of world domination?"
(With a forming smile, Stewie slowly turns his head to the 'camera', you know, the viewer)
Stewie (to the viewer): "Oh, I think you know where I'm going with this one."
(FIRST SET OF COMMERCIALS)
(Scene change to the Neverland Ranch)
Michael Jackson: "So let me get this straight...you want me to give you $40,000,000, so you can build a machine that makes people grow?"
Michael Jackson: "And you're gonna make yourself a giant so you can conquer the planet?"
Stewie: (a bit annoyed) "Yes, yes, so can I borrow the money?"
Michael Jackson: "Of course not! Do I look crazy to you?"
Stewie: (Stifles a facial expression that suggests the response 'Hell, yeah!', then regains his regular composed expression) "All right-all right, here's the deal. Lend me the money...and I'll forget all about that incident between you and me."
Michael Jackson: (His eyes looks around nervously as if to see if anyone's watching) "W-What incident?"
Stewie: "Oh...I think you know what incident."
(Scene change to a bald, angry, shirtless black man in a room sitting down on a chair. He's talking to someone on the phone)
Angry black man: "No, you tell Dr. Thompson I need to see his ass, now!"
(Person on the other end of the line talks)
Angry black man: "Wha-u-it fell off! It fell right off when I was washin' my face! Look, you tell him if he don't fix it, I'll sue his ass!"
(Person on the other end of the line talks)
Angry black man: "No-look-you know what? Right now...I don't care WHO know about it, I ain' lettin' him run off wit' my money for messin' up like this!"
(Stewie opens the room's door and walks in, eating cotton candy)
Stewie: "Michael, I have to tell you, that Ferris wheel was just exhilarating..."
(Stewie looks at the man because he's never seen him before. The man notices him)
Angry black man: "Oh, shoot!"
(Then the man hastily puts on make-up and a wig)
Michael Jackson (in his usual light voice): "Oh, uh, h-hey Stewie!..." (grumbles to himself in his 'angry black man' voice) "Thought I locked that door!"
(Stewie's jaw slowly drops and his eyes slowly open wide)
(Scene change back to the Stewie and Michael 'meeting'. Stewie looks at Michael with half-lidded eyes)
(Michael looks at Stewie with half-lidded eyes)
Stewie: "You know, I still don't understand why you want people to see you like THIS."
Michael Jackson: "Well, isn't it obvious? I mean, after Thriller, I had to do something to keep people talking about me, right? So what I did was, I kept changing my looks. That way, people could always talk about me, which gets me more fans, who buy more of my albums. And that way everyone would have to love me. It's the same reason why I almost dropped my baby off that balcony."
(Stewie looks at Michael in confusion)
Stewie: "What the HELL are you talking about?! People make fun of you all the time! Mad TV, Saturday Night Live, nearly everyone on Court TV...I mean, nobody even respects you anymore..."
Michael Jackson: (annoyed) "Look, do you want the money or not?"
Stewie: (In a 'forget-I-said-that' way) "All right! All right, all right..."
(Scene change to Peter and Lois on a dance floor, dancing together among other people to average-ballroom-band-music you know, with horns and percussion, whatever.. Peter has a bored look on his face)
Lois: (puts her head on Peter's shoulder, then sighs happily) "Isn't this nice, Peter? You know, we hardly ever get to spend time together like this. Maybe we should go out a lot more often."
Peter: (panicked) "Ea-ah-uh-w-what about Stewie? Won't you be worried about him all the time?"
Lois: "Well, I don't see why, Meg and Brian always take good care of him. Besides, sometimes parents have to make time away from their children, in order to have a long-lasting, healthy marriage."
Peter: "Yeah...yeah, you're right, Lois. You're always right. You're like that guy Ken Jennings, except no one could ever get so sick of you that they just want to jump through their TV screen right onto the set of 'Jeopardy!' and just throttle the life out of you for being so mentally perfect."
Lois: (flattered) "Oh, Peter..."
(Peter does a flashy dance move with Lois, like a fancy twirl or something)
Lois: (surprised) "Wow!" (giggles softly) "Someone's getting in the mood."
Peter: "Hey, you thought that was good, check this out." (To the guys playing the music) "Hit it, boys!"
Band leader: "You heard the man!" (pointing to a freaky-looking male little person with albino skin) "Hit it!"
(All the band members leave their instruments to beat up the little person)
(They stop beating the little person up, then look at Peter)
Peter: "What the hell are you doing?! I meant play a different tune!"
(The guys look at each other and say 'Ohhhh!' and 'That's what he meant!', and things like that. Then they go back to their instruments and play a tune similar to Brian Setzer's 'Jump, Jive, & Wail', you know, swing music. Peter starts doing cool-but-suitable-for-swing-music dances with Lois, and everyone else does regular swing music dances in the background. This scene ends with an overhead shot where Peter throws Lois up to the ceiling, i.e. up to the viewer's view, and her back covers the screen)
(Scene change to the Griffin's house)
(Scene change to Stewie carrying a wheelbarrow in his room, filled with parts for his ray. He dumps the parts on the floor)
Stewie: "All right..." (rubs his palms together) "...let the games begin!"
(For about 17-18 seconds, various blurred-together shots of Stewie drawing up plans, getting parts of the ray, fixing it up, etc., are shown. Music similar to 'Axel F Theme' from 'Beverly Hills Cop' plays throughout you know, the synthesizer music that played whenever he sneaked around to do something. Then finally...)
Stewie: "And lo, it...is...done!"
(Stewie stands with his back to the machine, then laughs evilly while a view of him and the growth ray is shown by a window in his room along with scary music, with lightning striking down and thunder sounding. The ray's not that big, just a little smaller than an average adult, i.e. Meg's size)
Stewie: "Now all that's left is to put operation 'Gain Some Mass, Then Kick Some Ass' into action."
(Scene change to Stewie with the ray in the Griffins' backyard he rolled it out; it's on wheels. Stewie grabs a remote control, and stands in front of the ray's pointed 'laser output' part, or whatever you call it)
Stewie: "Hmmm...I probably should have done something with my hair first. I wonder if 'Delicious Do's' is still open?"
(Stewie walks into a hair salon, and up to a male hairdresser. The male hairdresser has the same voice as that funny white guy from the first 'Beverly Hills Cop' movie, the one with the fast, slightly Spanish, kinda-gay-sounding voice. You know, Axel Foley talked to the guy, and Axel jokingly told him "Get the f outta here!", and the guy smiled and said "I cannot! This is serious" or something like that. I think his name was Serge, and he was played by Bronson Pinchot. Anyway...)
Stewie: "Um, yes, hi, I'm looking for Devon. Can you tell him that Stewie's here?"
Male hairdresser: "Mmmm...(quickly does that gay lip-smack thing) Devon isn't working today."
Stewie: "Really? A-are you sure he's not here, because he usually is..."
Male hairdresser: "He's on a cruise to the Bahamas with his Cuban lover Ricardo."
Stewie: "W-well, yes, I really need to see him so he can..."
Male hairdresser: "Mm-hmm, and what is it pertaining?"
Stewie: (pauses because he didn't understand him) "...I'm-I'm sorry, what?"
Male hairdresser: "I said, what is it pertaining?"
Stewie: "...Oh, what's it pertaining! Yes, well, I need him to do that #5 for my hair, you know, the one where a few strands of hair curl over the forehead, you know, the 'lick' thing..."
Male hairdresser: (quickly does the gay lip-smack thing here) "Oh, but I can do #5 easily myself."
Male hairdresser: "Oh, please, who do you think he learned it from? Now, come on sit your little baby bottom here." (pats the seat of a chair)
(Stewie sits in the chair, it's one of those turning chairs you see in barbershops and hair salons)
Stewie: "Now-now are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Male hairdresser: "Mmmmm...trust me, when I am done with you all the girls will be saying 'Oh Stewie, look at you, you look so beautiful and so sweet and so sexy and so tantalizing, mmm, I just want to (makes kissing sound) kiss you.' "
(Stewie stares ahead wide-eyed, as if to say, 'Uh-oh...')
(Scene change back to Stewie in the backyard)
Stewie: "Well, no matter."
(Stewie presses a button on the remote control and fires up the machine, and a laser beam hits him. After about 8 seconds, he fully grows to over 100 feet)
Stewie: (thinking, with a smile) "Yes! I've done it! Oh, Gulliver's got nothing on this bad boy!" (in a sly, evil voice in his head) "Time to kill!"
(Scene switch to Brian sitting on Peter's bed, eating a sandwich and watching TV)
(Scene change to a TV show commercial)
Commercial voice-over: "Coming soon to ABC...another crappy reality show that nobody's desperate enough to watch... The Unintelligibles! The show where celebrities talk, and you try to figure out what the hell they're saying!"
(Bill Cosby, Ozzy Osbourne, James Brown, and Arnold Schwarzanegger, are all standing in a room together)
Bill Cosby: (nonsensical, Cosby-esque gibberish, ending with him jabbering out, "...Jello!". While speaking, he constantly bops his head back and forth, rolls his eyes around, walks around funny, in other words, trademark Cosby-style silly movements)
Ozzy Osbourne: (nonsensical, drunken, Ozzy-style slurring; ends with him shouting, "...Sharon!")
Bill Cosby: (nonsensical, Cosby-esque gibberish, ending with him jabbering out, "...in the kitchen!")
James Brown: (fast, nonsensical 'James Brown-like' jabbering, with a few, quick, stuttering spurts of "...help me, please!" near the end)
Arnold Schwarzanegger: (nonsensical gibberish, heavily making use of Arnold's Austrian accent, and ending with "Haaalllll!")
Brian: (sighs) "God, if you're up there, please make TV good again."
(Scene switch to God and Jesus up in heaven. God's sitting on a couch, watching TV. Right after Brian's statement, Jesus looks at God expectantly, as if he may actually consider Brian's plea...)
Jesus: "Aw, c'mon, dad, I mean..."
God: "I already told you, I can't use my omnipotence for menial things like altering Earth's TV programs!"
Jesus: "But you DID use it before...to end Friends and Frasier almost at the same time, remember!"
God: (annoyed) "All right-all right, first of all, I made sure 'Friends' ended because I was sick of the whole Ross & Rachel thing...AND because they never put Joey and Phoebe together..."
(At this point, Jesus turns his head away incredulously and goes, "ugh!", as if to say, "whatever")
God: "...and secondly - SECONDLY, I ended Frasier because after Niles finally got Daphne, it got boring. Now shut up and watch Will & Grace with me."
(Jesus sits down on the couch with him. 3 seconds of silence pass)
God: "You know, that Jack's hilarious."
Jesus: (smiles) "Yeah, yeah, he really is...yeah."
(3 more seconds of silence pass)
Jesus: "So when's Judgment Day supposed to come again?"
God: "Uhhh, I think sometime in 2010."
Jesus: "Oh, right."
(Scene change back to Brian. Brian then feels and hears giant footsteps outside)
Brian: "What the hell..."
(Brian looks outside Peter's bedroom window and sees Stewie staring back at him)
Stewie: "Fee, fi, fo, fum. I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!"
Brian: (scared) "Ohhhh...crap."
(SECOND SET OF COMMERCIALS)
(Stewie spots Brian and walks straight up to the window where Brian is standing. Brian tries to run away, but Stewie's hand breaks through the wall and grabs him. Brian screams as he's pulled out of the house)
Stewie: (licks his lips and says) "Payback...is your dead mother!"
Brian: (nervously) "Aw-aw, c'mon, kid, you-you don't wanna eat me...you wouldn't like how I taste! Hell, I don't even like how I taste!"
Stewie: "YOU'LL be the after-dinner mint, dog."
(Stewie puts Brian in his pocket, then goes around and knocks/kicks over trees and parked cars, then laughs evilly and walks away to cause more destruction. Meg and Chris run out of the house's front door and see Stewie. By the way, from here to the end of this scene, Stewie's footsteps can first be heard walking away, then continuously low in the background)
Meg: "Oh...my God!"
Chris: "Cool! Stewie's a freak, just like me!"
Meg: "How'd he get so big? Mom and dad are gonna freak when they find out about this!"
Chris: "Yeah, even worse than Ashlee Simpson on Saturday Night Live!"
(Meg and Chris laugh, and Meg mockingly does the silly jig dance that Ashlee Simpson did when she was caught lip-synching. Then their laughter slowly comes to a stop)
Chris: "Seriously, though, we're screwed."
(Peter's car then zips into the driveway, and Peter and Lois spring out of the car and see Meg and Chris)
Lois: (panicked and angry) "All right...all right, I'm only gonna ask this once. Which one of you two morons experimented on my baby?!"
Meg: (says this with chuckles as if she's actually innocent) "Actually, mom, I didn't have anything to do with..."
Lois: "Don't play with me, Meg! What the hell happened to Stewie?!"
Meg: (quickly and nervously) "Chris didn't want to watch Stewie, I didn't want to watch him, we dumped him on Brian, and I don't know what happened after that."
Lois: (angrily) "You don't know what happened?! Where's Brian?!"
Chris: "I saw Stewie put him in his pocket. I remember 'cause I got jealous I couldn't go for a ride, too."
Meg: "We're sorry, mom."
Lois: "Brian's gone, too! H-How could you two be so irresponsible? I-I swear, I've never felt this disappointed before...not even when I found out the first moon landing was faked!" (whimpers in frustration) "This is just insane, I...(looks at Peter and notices he hasn't said a word)...Peter, don't you have anything to say about this?!"
(Close-up to Peter's face)
Peter: (thinking these words) "I wonder if Kristie Alley would really still be hot if she lost all that weight?" (pauses) "Hey, is it Kristie or Kirstie? (annoyed) Aw, geez, now I'm gonna be wondering about THAT all night."
(Scene change to a few hours later, Peter, Lois, Chris, and Meg are in the living room, all sad-faced except Peter, who's on the phone. Then someone knocks on the door and Lois answers it. It's a police chief/lieutenant/commissioner/some other title for a cop with authority over other cops)
Dockett: "Good evening, ma'am..." (to the others) "...family. My name's Henry Dockett, (lieutenant/commissioner/whatever) of the Quahog Police Department."
Lois: "Oh, good. Where's my baby? Is he safe?"
Dockett: "Relax, ma'am. Right now, the humongous baby's going into the main part of town. I'm afraid he's still growing at a slow but steady rate."
Lois: "Well, what happened to him? How'd did he get so big in the first place?"
Peter: "Well, it's all a part of life, Lois. I mean, yeah, they always start out small and cute, but eventually they grow up and get bigger, you know, until they leave the house, and say that they'll call and visit you all the time, even though they won't..."
Lois: (bursts out) "I'm talking about him being a giant!" (To Dockett) "Why is my baby a giant?!"
Dockett: "Well, ma'am, near as we can tell, this may have had something to do with it."
(One of his men roll in the growth ray)
Lois: "What is that?"
Dockett: "It's some sort of enlargement machine. See, our theory is your son Stewart was unfortunately kidnapped from your house by some sort of sick mad scientist...you know, around the time when your other children showed shockingly little concern for their baby brother..."
(Meg and Chris get looks on their faces that suggest extreme guilt)
Dockett: "...and the scientist used him as the first human test subject for his invention. We haven't seen any signs of a mad scientist around the neighborhood, so we concluded that your son ATE him, thinking he was chocolate. He may have been black or something, I don't know."
(A cop enters the room quickly)
Cop: "Sir! We've just gotten a call from a Drake Nerdle! He said he has a device that he thinks can shrink the giant baby back to its original size! He just needs a while to get everything set up!"
Dockett: "Well, get that Nerdle! Let's move, Griffins!"
Lois: (grabbing her car keys) "Come on, kids, let's go!"
Peter: (On the phone, talking to someone) "Yeah hold on..." (To Lois) "W-wait a second, Lois, I can't go now. I'm workin' on a deal to do 'Scarborough Country' tomorrow night. I can see it already..."
(Scene change to the set of 'Scarborough Country', showing Peter and Joe Scarborough sitting at the desk)
Joe Scarborough: "Mr. Griffin...you're saying...that the reason why your son is 130 feet tall, is because he made a wish on an electronic fortune teller, just like in the movie 'Big'?"
Peter: "Well, Joe, I-I mean it makes sense, you know, if Tom Hanks could do it...(pauses) oh my God. You look just like Chandler from 'Friends'!"
(Joe looks at him angrily)
Joe Scarborough: "Do you have any idea...how tired I am of hearing that?"
Peter: (short pause) "Hey, is Dan Abrams gay?"
Joe Scarborough: (calmly but angrily) "Get off my show."
Lois: (angrily, grabs his hand and leaves with him) "COME ON, Peter!"
(Everyone runs out of the house)
(Scene change to a popular part of Quahog somewhere with a lot of lights and tall buildings, where Stewie is walking through and laughing evilly, while pandemonium takes place at his feet, i.e. people running around, screaming, etc. Stewie then punches an apartment building, which makes the wall of the room on the other side fall down. A man and a woman, presumably husband and wife, scream. Stewie faces the man and says)
Stewie: "Apple core!"
Man: (freaked out) "B-Baltimore..."
Stewie: "Who's your friend?"
Man: "Uhhhh...her?" (points at his wife)
(Stewie grabs his wife and eats her, then leaves. The man sighs in relief, then goes over to his closet door and opens it, to reveal another half-naked man)
Man: (to other man, as if he's a hidden lover) "Okay, she's gone now."
(Stewie does more damage, then Godzilla appears and roars with authority. But Stewie goes up to him and gives him a 'Stone Cold Stunner', and that's the end of Godzilla. Stewie then says)
Stewie: "And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stewie Griffin said so!"
(Lois and the others arrive at the scene, along with Dockett. As soon as Dockett comes out of the police car, he goes up to Lois)
Dockett: (handing a bullhorn to Lois) "Mrs. Griffin, I need you to try to get his attention and hold it for a while."
Lois: "I'll try."
(Lois grabs the bullhorn)
(Stewie hears her and turns around)
Lois: "...Stewie, honey, can you hear me? It's mommy. Mommy just wants you to know that she loves you very much, honey, and..."
Stewie: (growls low, then shouts) "Leave me alone, you vile wench! Can't you see I'm trying to establish my status as a destructive overlord?"
(Stewie tries to step on her, Lois runs away screaming. She barely avoids his foot)
Lois: (to Dockett) "He's not listening to me!"
Nerdle: "He won't have to. My shrink ray's ready. Now, he needs to stay absolutely still while the ray works on him. We may need to tranquilize him."
Dockett: (signals to 4 guys, who then come out with tranquilizer guns) "Already ahead of you." (To Peter) "Griffin, you're okay with this, right?"
Peter: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute...you want me to give you permission to shoot at MY BABY with powerful tranquilizer darts that could kill him?"
Peter: "No way! That's too dangerous...and controversial! And I promised not to do anything dangerous and controversial since that commercial I did a while ago."
(Peter is in a kitchen, holding a frying pan, and he's standing next to an egg on a table)
Peter: (pointing to the egg) "This is your brain."
(Peter then tosses away the frying pan, grabs a sledgehammer and smashes the egg 3 times. Then he gets a machine gun and shoots the egg repeatedly, then he pulls out a flamethrower and burns the egg to a small pile of ash. Then he takes out a grenade, pulls out the pin with his teeth, tosses the grenade on the egg's ashes, and runs away to hide behind a wall just outside the kitchen. After the grenade explodes, Peter goes to what's left of the egg on the ground (since the table is destroyed), and says)
Peter: (threatening tone) "This is your brain...if I find out that you're one of the idiots that voted to re-elect George W. Bush."
Nerdle: "Wait! Why don't we just enlarge someone else so they can hold the baby still?"
Dockett: "We can't just trust anyone like that! What if they hurt him - or worse - use their size to take control of the city?" (under his breath) "Like I would."
Lois: "Wait a second! Rupert!"
Peter: "Who the hell is Rupert?"
Lois: "His favorite teddy bear! Stewie always sits still when I give him Rupert! We could use him!"
Peter: (short pause, then looks up at Stewie) "Hey, how'd Stewie get so big?"
Lois: "Peter, try to focus! All we have to do is use that other ray to make Rupert big. Once Stewie sees him, he'll hold him and sit still!"
Peter: (short pause, then looks at Lois) "Who the hell are you?"
Lois: (sighs and gives up talking to Peter) "I think the bear's in the back of the car."
(Stewie continues his path of destruction. Then Lois runs to Dockett with Rupert)
Lois: "Here! Use the ray to make this grow!"
Dockett: "A teddy bear?"
Lois: "Just trust me!"
Dockett: "Well, okay."
(More of Stewie's destruction. Then soon after, a helicopter appears, flying far behind Stewie with a giant version of Rupert)
Dockett: (on walkie-talkie to helicopter) "Okay, drop it...now!"
(Rupert is dropped from the helicopter to the ground, hurting/killing more people)
(Stewie notices it and runs up to it)
Dockett: "He's going for it...it's working..."
Stewie: "R-Rupert! How did YOU get bigger?" (then Stewie remembers) "Damn! Why the hell didn't I put that ray in my pocket when I had the chance?" (then, Stewie grabs Rupert and says) "No matter; come, Rupert. I don't know how you operated my device, but you shall aid in my quest for world domination!"
(Stewie slams Rupert to the ground, smashing several cars and people below him)
Lois: "Stewie, no!"
Random cop: (with sarcasm) "So much for that crappy plan."
(When turning around to hit others, Stewie trips over his own untied shoelaces, and falls, hurting/killing even more people. From here until the end of the scene, red blotches of blood will be on his yellow shirt and red suspenders (for the suspenders, the blotches will be a darker shade of red). After falling, Stewie says)
Dockett: (surprised and delighted since Stewie is down and still) "Opportunity!" (to Nerdle) "Fire!"
(Nerdle fires the shrink ray at Stewie, shrinking him to his regular size)
(All the pandemonium dies down now that the giant Stewie is gone. Stewie's on the ground, in the same position as he was when he fell down)
Lois: (happily) "Stewie!"
(Lois, Peter, Chris, Meg, and Dockett run over to him, and Lois picks him up)
Lois: "Oh, Stewie, honey! I'm so glad to be able to hold you again!"
(Lois gives Stewie a tight hug and kisses, at which he grimaces. Everyone around Stewie gives him compliments, friendly pats, and rubs on the head)
Stewie: (voice is calm but a bit annoyed) "All right, all right, fine, yes, I know. All's well that ends well...except for me, as usual."
Peter: "Hey, where the hell's Brian?"
Lois: "Hey, wasn't he..."
Peter & Lois: "...in Stewie's pocket!"
Peter: "All right, nobody move!"
(Everyone around Peter freezes and looks at him)
Peter: "With a magnifying glass, maybe we can still find him."
Stewie: "Actually, I already ate him."
(Peter and Lois gasp in shock)
Stewie: "What? I was HUNGRY. I was eating other people for God's sakes. You should've fed me before you left."
(Peter and Lois look at each other, then an 'end-of-a-dream sequence' scene transition occurs you know, wavy effect, notes played from a harp, whatever, eventually showing Stewie sleeping with a smile in his crib, in his room)
Stewie: (waking up) "Uhh...Oh..."
(Stewie then looks around and realizes that the whole thing was a dream)
Stewie: (in rising anger) "Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN! WHY THE HELL DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!"
Family Guy, and all related characters and character names, are property of the FOX Broadcasting Company.