In Phantom's lair

Phantom: No one would listen…no one but her… and the annoying little chipmunk that gnaws on my toes when I sleep…what's the difference?

Stares at drawings of Christine

Phantom: Sob. This is almost frightening.

Chipmunk: Dude, it is frightening. Get a hobby.

Phantom thwacks chipmunk with statue

Sad home audiences in 2004: This is good. Why wasn't this in the movie?

Assmunch: because there are no Jedis in it!

Authoress smacks him again

Authoress: Shut up and watch the movie or I'll give you something to complain about.

Phantom: I miss her, Chippy. What should I do?

Chipmunk: Wanna get hammered?

Phantom: NO. Last time we did that, you ralphed all over my lair.

Phantom and chipmunk sigh in unison

Chipmunk: When's that chick gonna bring that quiche? I'm tired of eating your nasty lemon bars.

Phantom: Fine. I slave over a hot stove all day just so I can be griped at. I must be the joke of the universe. Throws lemon bars in water.

A steaming quiche appears by the portcullis

Phantom: It's Christine!

Chipmunk: It's quiche!

Phantom: Hey there's a note.

Note: To phantom: this restraining order comes fondly. Don't bug me again. ♥ Christine.

Phantom: Now I realize how irksome it is to get notes.

Phantom throws quiche down

Phantom: I think I want to get hammered now.

Chipmunk: You see, Erik. That's why I'm your friend!

Phantom: You're not my friend. You're vermin.

Chipmunk: Just VERMIN? How dare you. I'm the mastermind of this duo and you know it!

Phantom: Whatever. Just give me that vodka.

Fin. At last.