Love Doesn't Ask Why
Don't ask me if this feeling's right or wrong.
It doesn't have to make much sense;
it just has to be this strong.
'Cause when you're in my arms I understand.
We don't try to have a voice.
When our hearts make the choices.
There's no plan.
It's in our hands.
Love doesn't ask why.
It speaks from the heart
and never explains.
Don't you know that
love doesn't think twice?
It can come all at once
or whisper from a distance.
Celine Dion – Love Doesn't Ask Why
Heero's brow furrowed. "Why what?" he asked softly. Even as he spoke, his fingers continued to card through Duo's loose hair, simultaneously calming him and working out the tangles with which their recent bout of lovemaking had gifted him.
Duo sniffled against his pillow of Heero's chest. His latest crying jag had left him spent. His warm tears had ceased to fall a few minutes ago, but Duo was by no means over this most recent attack of depression. It didn't always happen, but often enough since the first time they'd made love, Duo would start crying for no reason afterwards and was unable to stop.
The first time it had happened, Heero had been at a loss. At first, he'd been worried he'd hurt Duo somehow, though they'd still been in the early stages of their relationship then and technically hadn't even gotten to third base, so he was almost positive that wasn't it. The only thing he'd been able to think of was to treat the effect, even if he couldn't figure out the cause, and that had led to him holding Duo while he cried and finger-combing the tangles out of his hair.
It seemed to help Duo, and so it had become their ritual of sorts. Duo had never been able to explain – or more likely was unwilling to explain, even to himself – what it was that caused him to cry at those times. Heero never pressured him, however, instinctively knowing that this was something that had to come in its own time.
Even if they had been together for almost two years now.
"Why…why do you put up with me when I'm so screwed up?" Duo clarified once he'd stopped sniffling. The waiting did little good; more tears were brimming in his eyes even as he posed the question.
Heero smiled softly and leaned to kiss those drops of sadness away. "Because I love you," he said simply. He didn't have to think twice about his answer, despite the fact that Duo had never asked him that before. At least not specifically. The other boy made jokes about it, and the first time it had happened, he'd apologized and Heero had taken the initiative to reassure him that it was okay…
But Duo had asked for that reassurance before. Heero allowed a little ray of hope to settle in his heart that maybe Duo was getting better. If, in fact, Duo had needed to get better in the first place.
Duo smiled back at him at his answer, but then his lips curved back and his eyes followed their path. "Heero?" he said after a moment, voice tight with the tension that Heero recognized from when he was gearing himself up to say something.
"Yes, love?" Heero asked. He normally didn't like to overuse endearments, but it was another small way to reassure Duo, and he didn't mind.
Duo was his love, after all.
"I know why, now," Duo said haltingly, lips tugging up ever-so-imperceptibly in a sheepish smile.
"Oh?" Heero asked, tone slightly interested, but not overly eager. Inside, he was almost straining against his brain to find out what was going on with his lover. It didn't bother him to comfort Duo – on the contrary, those moments of depression-laced afterglow were some of the few times when he could be the one to reassure Duo, instead of the other way around – but it did bother him that Duo might have a serious problem that he might not know how to help fix.
Duo proved he was still as infuriating as ever by asking another question, instead of answering Heero's own. "You…loved me, even back then, didn't you?" he murmured to Heero's left nipple.
Heero nodded hesitantly once he saw that Duo was watching him. Yes, hadn't Duo known? If he hadn't loved Duo, he never would have let him so close…in so many ways.
"I…did, too," Duo admitted uneasily, eyes flicking away once more. "But I only realized when you…" He took a deep breath and said, all at once, "When you held me in your arms as I came and looked at me like I was the best thing that had ever happened to you and you didn't want to ever let me go."
Heero flushed slightly. While it had been a personal pet project of his to try to be more open with his emotions, he'd never realized that he revealed so much when they were…intimate.
"And I…I couldn't deal with that," Duo finished quietly. "It was…too much. I couldn't handle it all." He let out a shuddering breath. "I know, intellectually, that just because you love me doesn't mean you'll die, but…" He shook his head.
"The heart is a strange creature," Heero told him after reflecting on his lover's words for a moment. Definitely; he himself still had problems with his emotions. He felt them, but half the time didn't understand why he felt them. Despite that, he accepted them all the same. They felt too right not to. "It doesn't need a rhyme or reason why, it just…feels." It had taken him these past two years – and would take many more – for him to come to even a tentative understanding of why he loved Duo. Though it had never mattered why; it was just was.
Duo nodded shakily, looking up into Heero's eyes, more tears pricking his own at those heartfelt words. "I love you," he said passionately. "I…I'm sorry I had – have – such a problem with expressing it."
It was only as Duo said those words that Heero realized Duo had never actually said them before. It was always 'Me, too,' 'Ditto, babe,' or an off-the-cuff, 'Love ya!' while he was on his way out the door. Before and after missions there were no words, just touches, to reassure each other that they were still alive.
Duo had never said, 'I love you,' before. And the fact that he did it now, knowing fully to the last tear exactly what that meant to each of them…
Heero never knew what that phrase about having your breath taken away meant before. But he did now.
"It doesn't matter," Heero said at last, not wanting to keep Duo waiting too long for an answer. His eyes locked with Duo's own as he said, "You speak from the heart even without words."
Duo's smile was like the sun rising on a new day. A hope for the future, and a promise that though the road might be rocky, their love would be a balm to any pain.