All characters owned by JK Rowling of course. Other characters are owned by their respective authors. With special thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me and thanks for all the reviews!
Chapter Sixteen- Harry Potter
The sky was a strawberry pink as the sun blazed over the horizon like a melting heart. Hermione's thick dark hair hung in long graceful curves over her shoulders. Her temptingly curved mouth said, "Where the bloody hell are we?"
Voldemort, his face regal and proud, his dark hair falling over his shoulders like an Amazonian waterfall, looked at Hermione with soft azure eyes. "No idea." His eyes darted back and forth with a compelling unquenchable glint. "My eyes have a what?"
Ron, his muscles rippling under his white shirt, said. "Wow, I've got muscles! I always knew a lifetime's avoiding the gym would pay off eventually."
Hermione, her eyes alight with passion, said, "My eyes are NOT alight with passion!" She glanced seductively over her shoulder towards Harry and her eyes blazed with emotion. Harry gave her a look that spoke of a fathomless unspoken yearning. "I did not glance at you seductively!" said Hermione.
"And the only yearning I have is for firewhisky!" said Harry.
Voldemort, his regal face dark against the moonlight, said, "Moonlight? Moonlight? You said it was sunrise earlier! Like a melting heart as well, whatever that means? The last heart I melted I used a spell, not my regal face." He considered a moment. "Well, I must admit my face is rather regal."
Ron looked longingly over at Hermione, his face aching with desire. "For firewhisky! I'm aching with desire for firewhisky! Who's writing this stuff?"
"We seem to be trapped in a Mills and Boon Romance novel," said Voldemort with his firm and sensual lips. "My lips are not firm and sensual! They are evil lips! Evil! Make me look an evil snake-headed git, I told the plastic surgeon! If I get out of here I'm going to sue him back to the stone age!"
"How do we get out of here?" said Ron quickly, in a vain attempt to stop a romantic one line tag being attached to his line. Too late, Ron realised his long red locks were flowing in the breeze. "Locks? Locks? It is hair! Hair! Not a bunch of padlocks!"
Voldemort thought for a moment, his aquiline face and body resembling Auguste Rodin's The Thinker. "I'm not sitting down naked, thank you very much!" said Voldemort. "There's only one way to get out of a romance story, and it's not pretty."
"You've got to kiss the hero," said Voldemort seductively. "Me."
With a horrible squelching sound later they were out of the romance book section.
Voldemort looked around at where they were now. He looked nervously about. "No romantic comments?" He pushed his greasy black mousy hair back from his forehead. "Greasy black mousy hair. That's better." He clapped his hands together. "Right kids, we are exactly where we want to be! This is to show you what the future holds because of what you kids have done!"
"Why's that?" asked Harry, as the ropes fell off him.
"We're going to put back all the evil you took out of the world!"
"What? Why?" asked Hermione. "I'm not going to do that!"
"Have you seen what the future holds for the world after what you've done to it?" Voldemort swept his arm back to show a scene of absolute devastation and horror…
Gossamer winged Fairies were flitting around delicately from mushroom to mushroom. Cheerful red hatted gnomes were wishing each the joy of the day in falsetto voices. The sky was a deep blue colour. The clouds were heavy with magical lands, each with a land more exciting than the last. The land of Fireworks drifted past with an amazing technicolour display of sparks and flames. The land of playground rides was full of queues. The land of First Person Shoot'em-ups had been blown away from the adult section and was starting a minor war with the Land of Make Believe.
"The horror! The horror!" said Ron as a snow-white unicorn trotted up to him and gave him a friendly lick. "Eerrrrhh!" He shuddered. "Unicorn spit! Ewww!"
"Where are the people?" asked Hermione.
Voldemort waved his arms in the time-honoured way to make the next vision appear. "Here!"
Healthy young well toned men and women (which was rather curious considering the lack of gyms about) dressed in white togas were lounging about being served grapes and fruit juice by cherubims and seraphims (for those of you that don't know what a seraphim is, join the club!) The sky was a deep blue; the grass was a bright green. In the distance could be seen a herd of flying horses. In this reality people washing their togas have more to worry about than the occasional bird flying overhead…
"They're enslaving the fairy kingdom!" said Hermione indignantly as she saw some mermaids washing a number of togas. In the distance could be seen some dragons offering a flying bus service. Red dragons were the express magical city to magical city service while the blue slow dragons stopped at every jewel filled cave and enchanted wood going.
"Yeah, but what are you going to do?" said Ron, stealing a grape from a plate offered by a floating cherubim.
"We need to restore balance to the world," said Voldemort.
"Why?" asked Harry, accepting a glass of what looked like wine from a centaur. He sipped it and shuddered. "Eeerrrh! It has no alcohol. Hey, hoof boy," he said to the centaur. "Yeah that's right, you the one with the long blond hair. I want a drink, and put some muscle in it."
He brought over another glass. "Thank you." Ron sipped at it and shuddered as he pulled out a clump of black shelled mussels. "I don't want to be pulling out half the cast of 'The Little Mermaid' every time I order a drink here. Where's the alcohol, horse boy?"
The centaur trotted over to him. "We have no alcohol in this world. This place is heaven on earth! The world is at peace, there are no wars, plagues or famines. Crime has been consigned to the history books and the history books have been consigned to the swamp; everyone is happy!"
"I'm not happy, mush, there's no alcohol. If you don't trot over and get me some we'll see how happy you are with my boot up your..."
"Ron!" said Hermione. "Why are you serving human kind? What about your wants and needs?"
"I just want and need everyone to be happy," said the Centaur.
"Right," said Hermione, picking up a rosy red apple in passing from a tray held by a churub. "How do we destroy this hellhole?" She wafted away a small fairy that was trying to fan her brow with a gentle breeze.
"Okay," said Voldemort, cracking his knuckles together. "I know this is not normal but we need teamwork for this."
"Anything to get some firewhisky," said Ron and Harry together.
"The first thing we need to do is to go back in time and take over the media Empire and bring some nasty stories to people's attention instead of all the happy smiley ones. Okay Hermione, change your clothes to something provocative and follow me, we're going back in time…"
The headquarters of the Global Media Market was a huge glass covered building towering over the Manhattan skyline…
Voldemort whispered to Hermione, "I said wear something provocative!"
"I am!" said Hermione, pointing at her t-shirt that said 'Wanna fight, ugly?'
"I didn't mean like that… Just a minute, everyone shut up, they're coming into the meeting!"
A smug looking businessman came over and shook Voldemort by the hand. "Hi, Mr Voldemort, I'm Brad Cornwell, head of the European Media Wing. I was sorry to hear about your predecessor. What happened to him?"
"Trampled by a herd of zebras."
"I didn't know he was on safari."
"He wasn't, he was in his office," said Voldemort impatiently. "Can we get on with this meeting?"
"How did zebras get in his office?"
"Because we couldn't fit in an elephant," hissed Voldemort. "Can we carry on with our meeting?"
"Yes, yes of course," said Brad Cornwell. He leafed through some papers. "I understand you want to take our media Empire a whole new way?"
"Yes," said Harry, getting to his feet. "We think your articles need a whole new slant."
"What do you mean?" asked Brad.
"Well, let's face facts, your stories are not particularly evil," said Harry. "I mean look at these headlines. 'Mrs Miggins hands out apples to orphans' and 'Levels of happiness reach new highs'"
"What were you thinking?"
Harry and Voldemort grinned. "We'll give you some ideas," they said together.