"Now if my calculations are correct, I should be facing... the readers. Sorry, but I don't have time to recap the last chapter. You're on your own; you'll have to read it yourself. I'm off."
During that last chapter, ol' Ron Stoppable had been making himself at home in a cabin over in Cape Suzette, where he was living in exile. Fortunately, he wasn't living in exile alone. To be more exact, he still had Rufus with him. Ron had just woken up from a sound sleep when Rufus tugged at his shirt, squeaking as if asking why he was humming some music.
"Oh, nothing, Rufus. I just had a dream where I died and Kim's kiss brought me back to life. She's been on my mind ever since I left Middleton!" Ron answered, breaking down in sobs. "I miss Kim!"
Rufus showed another look of disgust.
Ron suddenly heard the panting of a tired dogface. He smiled when he answered to "Goofy! My main man! My pal! My dog."
"Hey!" Goofy objected. "I'm nobody's pet!"
"I didn't mean that literally."
"Oh! Gawrsh! Sorry." Goofy apologized for his little outburst.
"So what's the sitch over in Middleton?" Ron asked. "Do you have a message from Friar Tuck? Is Mick - er, dad doing all right? How's Kim? Everything's all right as long as she is."
"Hu-yuk!" Goofy guffawed. "Then I guess everything's not all right. Your ladyfriend is pushin' up daisies."
"Hu-yuk! Yeah." Goofy guffawed again. "I saw the Possibles bring her to the tomb. Although how I know you're in love with this girl, I don't know. I mean, the only way I'd know would be if yuh told me. But yuh didn't, so I guess..."
While Goofy was talking to himself, Ron walked away. "Oh man, Rufus! This is bad! KP's dead. And if KP's dead, then I suppose there's no reason for me to go on. To that ragged drugstore over there!" He approached the nearby sorry excuse for a drugstore and called to the owner, "Hey! Mr. Pharmacist!"
The orangutan running the stand came up to him. "The name's Louie, scat cat. Currr-razy. So what can I get for you?"
"I need a bottle of strong poison, please," requested Ron.
"Oh, I got that stuff right here." Louie placed a vial of poison on the counter.
"That's not Extract of Llama, is it?" Ron asked.
"No, of course not." Louie flipped up the label. "See? But it's against Cape Suzette's law to sell this kinda stuff."
Ron pulled on Louie's Hawaiian shirt. "Listen to me, Mr. I-Wanna-Be-Like-You! I'm willing to pay whatever it takes, see?" he said, dropping $50 on the counter. "Take it or leave it!"
"Well, if you're sure about this, OK," relented Louie. "But don't come cryin' to me when you're dead, 'cause you won't be able to."
Having purchased the poison, Ron walked back over to Goofy, who was still trying to figure out how he knew about Kim & Ron's relationship. "Hmmmmm... or maybe it was one of the Gummi Bears who told me," Goofy tried to deduce. "Or was it those four kids in Southern California? No, no... I know! It was Molt the Grasshopper, of PT Flea's circus! Hu-yuk!"
"Stop recallin' and start applaudin', Goof!" Ron interrupted. "There's about to be an applause-cuing scene. To Middleton!"
"No no, Ron," Goofy denied. "You're not allowed in Middleton. Remember what Cap'n Crandall ordered? You're gonna be pushin' up daisies yerself if yuh set foot back home."
"Exactly!" Ron signalled a dramatic chord. "So where's your car?"
"What makes you think I came here by car?"
"There's one right behind you." Negating why he asked, Ron pointed to Goofy's car.
"Ooh. Gawrsh!" said Goofy.
Back in Middleton, Friar Tuck was pacing around in his church, waiting for Friar Kronk to return. Eventually, the door opened, and in came Friar Kronk.
"Ah, Friar Kronk!" Tuck greeted him. "You're back. Did you deliver the message?"
"Well, it's not as delivered as we would've hoped," Kronk admitted.
"I, uh, had a conversation with my shoulder angel and devil about this before I could get going," Kronk explained. "And when I did, there was a big traffic slowdown between Duckburg and St. Canard."
"What?" Tuck pulled on Kronk's robe. "Well, if you didn't bring him the message, then who did!"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh... nobody. Here it is." Kronk pulled out the message.
"Oh, holy crap!" yelled Tuck. "I knew I should've sent Ron the letter over the Internet. Fetch me a crowbar!"
"Kim Possible will be awake in three hours," Tuck said to himself. "I'll have to go get her myself and keep a hold of her until I can contact Ron again."
That night, Gaston and LeFou showed up in the Possible family's tomb where Kim's body was laid down in a coffin, like Snow White. LeFou was bearing flowers and a torch.
"LeFou!" Gaston commanded. "Put out the torch and give me the flowers. Hide over there and whistle to me if anyone shows up."
"Righto, Gaston!" LeFou followed the orders and hid under some trees near the entrance.
Gaston walked over to Kim's lifeless body, the flowers in hand, used his pickaxe to open the coffin, and began to serenade her. Suddenly, LeFou, seeing someone coming in the distance, whistled to his commander.
"What? Dooh. No one interrupts Gaston and gets away with it! Coming, LeFou!" Gaston ran and hid under the trees with LeFou.
The someone whom LeFou saw coming was Ron and Rufus, with Goofy following. The Goof was bearing a torch, an axe, and a crowbar. Ron took the things from his servant and handed him a letter.
"Give this to Father Mick," Ron commanded. "I'm going in to get one last look at the love of my life. But please don't trouble me! And one more thing. Take care of yourself. Tell Roger and my family I'm sorry."
"OK, Ron," said Goofy aloud. But he doesn't I can't watch 'im! he thought.
Goofy hid out of Ron's seeing distance as Ron looked over at the coffin. Noticing that it was somehow already open, he tossed the axe away.
As Ron and his nude mole rat looked over the body of his beloved, Gaston peeked at them. "Wait a minute... it's that blasted Stoppable who murdered Megavolt! That must be the reason my Kim is dead! Stay here, LeFou. I'll take care of him." He stepped out of his hiding place and shouted, "Hold that pose, Stoppable scum!"
"Hey! Who the hell are you?" Ron asked.
"Who am I? Who am I? Whyyyyyyyyyyy..." Gaston signaled to LeFou and some background singers, who began to burst out in Gaston's theme song.
"Gosh, it disturbs me you don't know this guy," LeFou sang,
"Considering his position.
Every guy here wants to be just like him,
Even some guys from London.
There's no man in town as admired as him,
He's everyone's favorite guy!
Everyone's awed and inspired by him,
And it's not very hard to see why!
No one's... slick as Gaston,
No one's quick as Gaston,
No one's next as incredibly thick as Gaston
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they'd prefer to be on!"
"No one's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston," all the singers joined
"No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston." LeFou fiddled with his boss' chin.
"As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!" sang Gaston.
"My, what a guy that Gaston!" sang the singers.
"Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips..."
"Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips!" LeFou shook some beer without warning.
The background singers continued. "No one fights like Gaston, Douses lights like Gaston
In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston
For there's no one as burly and brawny."
Gaston lifted them above his head. "As you see I've got biceps to spare!"
LeFou jiggled himself. "Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny."
"That's right!" Gaston dropped his men on LeFou and tore his shirt open. "And every last inch of me's covered with hair!"
"No one hits like Gaston,
Matches wits like Gaston," sang the singers,
"In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston!"
"I'm especially good at expectorating!" Gaston spat. "'Tooey!"
"Ten points for Gaston!" the singers put up signs.
"When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large!" Gaston revealed.
"And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!"
"No one... shoots like Gaston,
Makes those beauts like Gaston," the singers contributed.
"Then goes tromping 'round wearing boots like Gaston!" LeFou added.
"I use antlers in all of my decorating!" Gaston held up a deer-head trophy.
"Say it again!" the singers went on.
"Who's a man among men?
And then say it once more
Who's the hero next door?
Who's a super success?
Don't you know? Can't you guess?
Ask his fans and his five hangers-on
There's just one guy in town who's got all of it doooooowwn..."
"And his name's G-A-S... T..." LeFou fumbled with his spelling.
"GASTON!" Gaston, LeFou, and all the singers stood up for a big finish as the song ended.
Ron and Rufus looked unimpressed. "Oh, that was just pointless," said Ron.
"What!" Gaston looked angry.
"That song was a lengthy, pointless way of introducing yourself," Ron reviewed. "It sounded more like something you'd sing if you were plotting against someone. And I don't believe that part about the eggs at all."
"You doggone stubborn little...! No one insults Gaston's theme song... and lives! Say goodbye to the world, boy!" Gaston took out the dagger that he had stabbed Beast with.
Gasping, Ron took out the gun he had bought for $29.95 in Cape Suzette. Making a lucky shot with that gun, the badly-aimed bullet knocked Gaston's dagger away.
"Oh crap! That was my only dagger. All right, Ronald Stoppable, it's time to get down to basics!" Not bothering to go get his dagger, Gaston took out his rifle.
"OK, lawbreaker. To infinity and beyond!" Ron struck a pose. "I mean, bring it on!"
LeFou watched from afar as his master and the clumsy teenager broke out in fighting. "Uh-oh, a fight! I'd better alert Teamo Supremo's watchmen!"
The fight went on for quite some time, until finally, a bullet from Ron's gun lodged itself right in Gaston's chest.
"Oh no, I'm dead meat! No more song-and-dance numbers for me!" Gaston fell on his back. "Have mercy, Ronald... lay me with Kimberly..." And with one final breath, he was dead.
Ron looked at his fallen rival. "Hold on... Rufus, this is the guy Witch Hazel told me was supposed to marry KP! I guess I'll have mercy on him." And so, Ron dragged the muscular corpse that was once Gaston over to where Kim lay. Looking over the coffin, Ron noticed the grave next to hers. It was that of Elmo "Megavolt" Possible. "Megavolt... What better favor can I do for you then killing myself? Forgive me... cousin-in-law..." He walked back over to Kim's coffin and loomed over her still form. "KP... Even though you're gone, you're still the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on. I wish I could've saved you from this. But I'll be there for you in Heaven..."
And with that, Ron uncorked the bottle of poison that he had bought from Louie and drank the death-causing liquid. After one last lip-lock with his love, Ronald Stoppable was dead.
Outside the tomb, Friar Tuck entered with a crowbar under his tunic. "I have to hurry soon; Kim's sleeping time is almost up."
"Hey! Friar T!" Goofy called out. "Stop!"
"Goofy!" Tuck noticed the clumsy servant. "What are you doing here?"
"I came here with the late Ron Stoppable," Goofy answered.
"The late Ron Stoppable?"
"Yes, Friar Tuck. He just drank a poison," Goofy pointed. "I just saw it m'self."
"Oh Christ!" Tuck yelled again.
Just then, Kim woke up. "Well, that was a relaxing forty-two winks." She looked around. "Friar T! Where's my husband? I remember where I am, but where's Ron?"
"Uh, Kim, I'm afraid we'll have to get out of here right now," Tuck rolled his eyes around. "Teamo Supremo will be really upset if they see a nice girl like you in a place like this."
"But what about..." As Tuck scrammed from the tomb, Kim then noticed the dead bodies of her egotistical suitor and her boyfriend. "No! Ron!" she cried. "What's this? A bottle in his hand? ...Now I see; he's drank some poison. Well, if he was going to kill himself with it, he could've at least left some for me! Maybe there's still some on your lips..." And so she kissed Ron's lips, but got no response. "No no, that's not gonna work; they're too warm." Not far away, she could hear watchmen Darkwing Duck and Bonkers D. Bobcat talking. "Oh, so not the drama! I'll just do this the quick way!" Snatching Ron's gun, she aimed it at herself and shot. With the bullet in her breasts, Kimberly Ann Possible was dead. She dropped onto the body of her deceased husband.
Hearing the gunshot, Darkwing Duck ran up. "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the... Oh, great. I always arrive too late."
Just then, Bonkers D. Bobcat walked up, dragging behind LeFou and Friar Tuck. "Bonkers: Mr. Mallard! I found these two blokes!"
"Keep them here," Darkwing commanded. "Alert Teamo Supremo, and alert the Possibles and Stoppables as well."
As Bonkers was off alerting the specified persons, Darkwing Duck tried to interrogate the badger and the dog, but had no luck, when suddenly...
"TEAMO SUPREMO!" the trio introduced themselves again.
"Bonkers!" Darkwing yelled at his similarly-voiced companion. "I didn't specify that Teamo enter the way they always do."
"Sorry chief," Bonkers apologized, "but their transformation's so cool to watch!"
"Chief Watchman Darkwing!" Captain Crandall addressed him. "What did you send Bonkers to wake all of us for?"
Then both Dr. Possibles made their entrance, accompanied by Witch Hazel. "What is all this commotion?" Lord Possible asked. "Why is Gaston lying there?"
"I don't think Mr. Gaston will be going anywhere," said Darkwing. "And I don't think your daughter or Ronald Stoppable will be going anywhere either. But I do think this badger and this dogface here can explain it all, Mr. Possible."
"In-deed!" Captain Crandall agreed.
"Why is my dead, deceased daughter collapsed with that gun in her hand?" Lord Possible asked.
"Go ahead, Friar Tuck," urged Darkwing. "Explain."
Suddenly, Roger Stoppable appeared, accompanied by his so-called uncle, Mick.
"Mr. Stoppable!" Captain Crandall decreed. "I think you and your nephew are up too early. Your son's dead too early too."
"What? Ron's died? Aw no!" Mick slapped himself. "Minnie had a heart attack when she found out he was banished. Who knows what'll happen when she finds out he's bit the big cheese!"
"Patience, Mr. Stoppable!" said Captain Crandall. "I think Friar Tuck here was about to explain what has happened. Go ahead."
"Well, it's like this." Tuck broke out the story. "Ronald Stoppable is Kim's husband. Kimberly Ann Possible is Ron's wife. I married them in secrecy. But shortly after their wedding, Kim's cousin Megavolt killed Ron's friend, Launchpad McQuack."
"Ha! Y'see, Dr. Possibles?" Roger said in an almost-taunting fashion. "I was tellin' the truth back there! You should never doubt an honest rabbit!"
"Let me go on!" Tuck yelled. "So, in a fit of red haze, Ron bit back by killing Megavolt. Kim was really grieving for Ron being banished, not for Megavolt being dead."
"It's true," said Hazel.
"Worried over his daughter," Tuck continued, "Mr. Possible arranged for Kim to marry Gaston. Kim came to me for help. I gave her a sleeping potion, which would make her appear to be dead for 42 hours."
"She wasn't really dead?" Lord Possible was flabbergasted.
"Yes, Timothy, she wasn't really dead," said an annoyed Tuck, addressing Kim's dad by his first name. "I sent a letter to Ron, telling him to come tonight to help wake her and take her from this tomb when the potion wore off. But Friar Kronk, who carried the letter, was stopped by accident, and was unable to spread the word. So I came by myself to get her out of this crypt. I had planned to keep her hidden at my house until I could get another way of delivering the message to Ron. But when I came, I found Gaston and Ron dead. Then Kim woke up, and I told her to come out of here with me. But I guess she instead decided to kill herself for real. I know all these facts, and Kim's servant, Witch Hazel, can testify to the marriage."
"It's true." Hazel said again.
"If I'm at any fault for this," said the holy badger, "so be it."
"No hard feelings, Friar Tuck. Skate Lad, Rope Girl, and I know you're a holy man, er, badger." Captain Crandall turned to Goofy. "But what about you, Mr. George Geef?" he said.
"Well, I'm the one who told Ron that his gal-pal was dead. I think it was Molt of PT Flea's circus who told me that they were dating. Anyway, Ron told me to give this letter to Mickey, and then he just killed himself." Goofy handed the letter to Teamo.
"Hey, he's right," said Captain Crandall, upon reading the letter. "This letter is from Ron to Mickey."
"And it's about him giving his regards to his family," said Skate Lad.
"Ooo-ooh!" Rope Girl put up her arms. "An' he even included his signature!"
"In-deed. But what about Gaston?" Captain Crandall addressed the late hunter's sidekick. "What part was your master playing in this, Mr. The-Fool?"
"Gaston had come to pay his respects to Kim," LeFou confessed. "Then Ron came in after him. I ran off when I heard them fighting."
"In-deed." Captain Crandall showed the letter to Mick. "Mr. Stoppable, this letter from your late son proves that what the friar just said is true. It mentions his marriage to Kim and how he planned to kill himself with the poison he bought at Louie the Ape's drugstore."
There was a bitter silence in there for a while.
Finally, Captain Crandall broke the silence. "Stoppables! Possibles! See what your feuding has done? Because of your hatred and grudges, Heaven has punished you by destroying your pride and joys. And Skate Lad, Rope Girl, and I have been punished for this too. For ignoring your feud, we've suffered the loss of our dear friends Launchpad and Gaston. We all lost. This may be a Disney fanfic, but today, there is no happy ending."
"Capt. Crandall, I now understand what the effects of the power of hate." Lord Possible faced his longtime nemesis. "Mick Stoppable, I apologize for your son's death."
"I'm sorry for your daughter's passing," apologized Mick. "In honor of her, I'll build a statue of Kimberly Possible, out of pure gold, symbolizing her pure and true heart."
"I too will do the same for Ronald Stoppable," declared Lord Possible, "standing it right next to hers."
So as never more was there a story of more
tragedy than that of
RONALD "RON-MEO" STOPPABLE
KIMBERLY ANN "KIM-IET" POSSIBLE.
Roneo and Kimet:
A Romeo and Juliet Parody
Written, produced, and edited by:
Moral of the story (Choose one):
1. 'Tis better to have known love and lost it than to have never loved at all.
2. Never buy poison from an orangutan after hearing your girlfriend is dead - chances are she may not really be dead.
3. Watch where you point your sword (or guns, in this case).
4. Roger Rabbit and Darkwing Duck need to make comebacks.
5. "Mickey's House of Villains" sucked.
Cast of Who Played Who:
Drake "Darkwing Duck" Mallard as The Narrator and the Chief Watchman
Jim Possible as Himself (Sampson)
Tim Possible as Himself (Gregory)
Donald Fauntleroy Duck as Himself (Abram)
George "Goofy" Geef as Himself (Balthasar)
Roger Rabbit as Roger Stoppable (Benvolio Montague)
Elmo "Megavolt" Sputterspark as Elmo "Megavolt" Possible (Tybalt Capulet)
(Mr.) Dr. James Timothy Possible as Lord James Timothy Possible (Lord Capulet)
(Mrs.) Dr. Possible as Lady Possible (Lady Capulet)
Mickey Mouse as Lord Mick Stoppable (Lord Montague)
Minnie Mouse as Lady Min Stoppable (Lady Montague)
"Captain" Crandall as Himself (Prince Escalus)
Hector "Skate Lad" Corrio as Himself (One of Prince Escalus' Attendants)
Brenda "Rope Girl" as Herself (Another of Prince Escalus' Attendants)
Ronald "Ron" Stoppable as Himself (Romeo Montague)
Gaston as Himself (Count Paris)
LeFou as Himself (Count Paris' Page)
Crumford Lorak as An Illiterate Possible Servant (An Unnamed Illiterate Capulet Servant)
Witch Hazel as Herself (Angelica the Nurse)
Kimberly Ann Possible as Herself (Juliet Capulet)
Launchpad McQuack as Himself (Mercutio)
Mistopher J Jolly Puddingpuss as Himself (An Unnamed Capulet Servingman)
Pretty Boy as Himself (Another Unnamed Capulet Servingman)
Leonard Amadeus Helperman as Himself (Anthony)
Spot "Scott Leadready II" Helperman as Scott Leadready II (Potpan)
Yuri as Herself (Rosaline)
Friar Tuck as Himself (Friar Laurence)
Randall Boggs as Himself (Peter)
Dopey as Himself (A Nonspeaking Montague Servant)
Kronk as Friar Kronk (Friar John)
Louie the Ape as Louie the Drug Dealer (An Apothecary)
Bonkers D. Bobcat as the Second Watchman
Soundtrack not available anywhere.
Any resemblance between any persons living, dead, or undead is purely coincidental.
Every character in this fanfic is owned by Disney. No money is being made off of this story.