/O-Kaay, here's your disclaimer. I own this fic, but as yet I don't own any locations and/or characters, not a one. Enjoy the kick-around and the earth-shattering aftermath, and remember there's more to come. One final thing - after a looong hiatus, I'm preparing a major re-write of this entire story. I've agonised about this since my last chapter update, and have realised that as it's my fic I can freely and organically rewrite it whenever I choose. Somehow it felt like a betrayal to re-write the past, especially as people have already read many of the chapters and this would oblige them to re-read past plot points. My own congenital inability to face past mistakes is probably a part of this... All the same I am NOT HAPPY with this fic - I feel in many ways it is not what it could be, and mean to fix it. Be advised that it could be some time before I get around to actually doing this, but as of July 2008 there is a notice it is not forgotten about. Please review it when I do - the odd reviews I get are all that keep me going. Fragile ego and all that. -Overmind3, 2008/
"AIEE! OOH! OUCH! ARRGH!", shrieked Grunty as Banjo, Kazooie, Bottles, Jamjars, Mumbo and Humba passed her head between them at the top of Cauldron Keep during their Sunday kick-around. Oh, the irony.
"Kazooie! On your beak!", called Banjo, swinging Grunty's head around in his backpack.
"I hope you're going to clean that before I have to get back in there! Bone-face sheds in the pack if you do that! BREE!", she cried, bouncing her round to bottles.
"ARRRGH! OOH! OW! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!"
"This is for killing me and zombifying Jingaling!", shouted Bottles, doing some unnecessarily violent keepy-uppy moves. For some reason he hit her eye sockets an awful lot. Her eyes had given up six months ago, but as a witch she could see with the sixth sense. Those eyes could not be closed from this torment – but then again, she'd lost her eyelids over two years ago, rotting beneath a boulder.
"MY EYES! MY SOCKETS! OWOWOW! OW! ARRGH!
"Come on brother, let's see what you can do with that drilling cane of yours!", called Bottles.
"IT'S NOT OVER! I'LL GET YOU BACK! AAAAAIIIEEEEE!"
"A bouncing witch is what you need,
If you're of any righteous creed!
Bounce her round for all to see,
So lets give this witch some MI-SE-RY!"
They all joined in on the last line. They'd done this before, many times, ever since they'd destroyed the Hag 1. They all had some claim in that, Mumbo and Humba for their spells, Bottles and Jamjars for their knowledge and Banjo and Kazooie, of course, for getting the Jiggies required to open Cauldron Keep and defeating Gruntilda Winkybunion.
"Okay, Mumbo! Your turn too-oo-oo GIVE THIS WITCH SOME MISERY!", cried Jamjars, passing the decaying witch around.
"Mumbo have much fun! Zap stick fries Grunty like a barbecue!", yelled Mumbo. ZZAP! ZZAP! He was using his zap stick to keep her in the air. ZZAAAAaaap…
"Zap stick power run out. Humba must catch Grunty", he cried, using a backhanded swipe Bottles had taught him to propel her through the air.
"OW! ARRGH! OUCH! OWOWOW! EERGH! BLECH!"
"This big heap fun!", said Humba. "Grunty is in much pain! Banjo, bet you can't hit her head up to the ceiling!"
Later, they all had tea at Bottle's house. There were a few changes in the lounge over the past two years – Banjo's new honey cabinet stood in one corner, and he'd given a cuckoo clock of similar make to the one that was blasted in the his home on Spiral Mountain to Mrs. Bottles. Kazooie's birdseed and birdseed money was secure in one corner, surrounded by proximity eggs of a new kind – these electrocute any intruders, jolting them back a few steps without harming them. Kazooie didn't feel safe leaving 2000 doubloons unguarded.
They spent some time reminiscing over the kick-around and other kick-arounds they had had over the Sundays of the past two years. No-one could deny the first was sweetest, with the remains of the Hag 1 piled at one end of the dome. The conversation soon turned to more serious matters – Mrs. Bottles had been accommodating Banjo and Kazooie for over two years now and was running out of patience with the pair. She'd taken Speccy and Goggles shopping with her; she knew their post-kick-around pattern too well to stay in the house just after they came back.
Banjo and Kazooie, of course, would have returned to Spiral Mountain like a shot… but due to the enormous amount of bad magical residue left at the site of the house in Spiral Mountain, nothing short of the combined power of all ten Jinjo families and their King could cleanse and restore the site. And the Hag 1 had flattened the Grey Jinjo family as it drove through their own house all that time ago.
Only one power could save them after two years rotting in the rubble – the powers of Mumbo and Humba combined. But first, they had to shelve their shamanistic pride.
"Mumbo is best shaman in all Isle 'o Hags! Mumbo did not cower in skull with wimpy magic pool! Mumbo roamed levels and paved way for wimpy washing machine in Electromagnet Chamber at the Industries!"
The Industries he referred to, of course, were the infamous Grunty Industries. Despite their founders' severe reduction, they were still flourishing after all this time, though sales of GruntyHead footballs accounted for 40 per cent of their profits.
"Mumbo know transformation spells!", cried Humba. "Mumbo big heap careless, leaving Humba to do all transformations. Mumbo not right to treat Wumba's Wigwam in Hailfire Peaks as shortcut, either. Humba told Mumbo enough times!"
"Knock it OFF", screeched Kazooie, exasperated with the pair of them.
"Why do you always go on like this after a kick-around? Is it to make up for forgetting to be nasty to each other while you're having fun? I've got enough nasty for EVERYONE, bone-brain and Indy-Girl!"
She was in a real towering temper now. Banjo, Bottles and Jamjars all backed their chairs away from her slightly. And then a bit more. No-one wanted to be too close to Kazooie when she was in a mood like this, with her feathers bristling. Mumbo and Humba were the focus of her attention, transfixed like mice before an adder's hypnotic gaze. She had that effect on people when she was truly angry.
"Well? Why? If the pair of you don't give up this argument and APOLOGIZE, right NOW, I'll make you regret Jamjars teaching me the Wing Whack…
They had no choice. But they had been keeping their rivalry going for two years, mainly out of stubborn pride and habit, each squashing any thoughts of liking the other right out of existence. They were each scared of the consequences an alliance between them would incur – magic users are required to share spells on acknowledging friendship, and those spells represented lifetimes of study between opposing branches of magic. Kazooie glared at them.
"Mumbo sorry." Then he said something very hard. A thousand ancestors screamed betrayal in his mind.
"Friend, my spells are yours".
Humba faced a similar situation, but to break the ritual here would mean dishonouring Mumbo. Of course, she'd keep her own honour… but how much would it be worth then? She was bound by her own honour to acknowledge his pledge.
"Friend, my spells are yours."
And so a pact to shake the entire Isle 'o Hags was born.
/There you are. The ultimate source of Mumbo's and Humba's rivalry revealed! Exclusive coverage of the team's weekly kick-around! The first ten people to review will be given FREE GruntyHead footballs to spice up those keepy-uppy sessions, so get reviewing, people!
Offer excludes P&P. Subject to availability from Grunty Industries./