As a suggestion from a "good friend" of mine—who has a hard time figuring things out properly—I have begun writing this piece of non-fiction that should help straighten things out for all the clueless boys out there.

I, myself, have found it difficult to get through even the thinnest of thick skulls and can't imagine what it must be like for some of those unfortunate souls looking for affection from those bloody toe rags that can't see anything past their freckled noses.

So cheers, girls, and don't give up hope! With any luck, one of the nincompoops (preferably your own, I'm sure) might actually pick this up and realize there's some truth to it, though I'm sure many of them will find it bizarre. One tip I can give you is to slid this in with their other—limited—reading materials and allow it to catch their eye.

This introduction will not show for the male population, due to a charm carefully placed. There may also be comments of the same nature, girls, and you will recognize those comments by the italics seen here.

Best of luck in your romantic endeavors girls!



As a suggestion from a good friend of mine, I have begun writing this piece of non-fiction that should help you boys out there finally understand the 'Mad things girls do', or more importantly, why they do them.

I have found myself on the end of being misunderstood, and finally must confess that girls do quite irrational things that perhaps need to be explained you all those of the male population.

If you've picked this book up, you're already on your way to understanding girls, and should find some success, should you actually follow the advice given here.

Chapter one- Appearances

Since looks are the first thing you notice in a person—can I say big breasts? Shallow aren't they?—I found it a sufficient place to start.

Every person you know or will know to start a relationship does so first and foremost based on physical attraction. This, of course, can not sustain anything long term, but it will be the first key to understand how to read what a girl is trying to say to you.

There are two types of girls in this category: the vain and the plain. In this chapter, we will explore each and allow you to have the ability to analyze the females in your daily life.

The Vain

Sorry girls, attention grabber… get through the titles with me, and you'll see.

Vanity is something that is important to most girls on some level or another. 'The Vain' isn't a girl who does her hair or nails once in a while. If this is what you thought, you would be seeing every girl that passed in 'The Vain' section.

Instead of a general 'showers at least once a week' or even by look type, a girl under 'The Vain' description is a girl that is almost obsessive over her appearance. She might wear a different color nail polish every day, or have immaculate hair designs when you see her at Zonko's.

These are most often the girls that are out of everyone's league, but only by image. These girls like to be noticed, and get enough attention for it, but it doesn't mean that they really are the image of perfection. We all know we're out of their league anyway.

Someone who could fall under this will lead you to believe that they've got a million suitors under their belt, and sometimes do, but you can't be intimidated by this. More often than not, these girls also like to be competed for. They enjoy the attention they receive when two boys realize that they're in feud over them. This is sometimes increased when the boys happen to be good friends. Admit it… it's true! As crazy as this seems, to a girl, it shows how much you care for them when you're willing to put them ahead of their friends. It gives the female the impression that you really care that much for her. Even if she already has made a decision, it intrigues her to know how willing you (or in some cases your friend) is to be at her beckon call.

This girl isn't entirely bad, though. She will always look good for you. As a daily ritual, getting ready will take about an hour, but you will always know that you can look forward to the scent that she's discreetly placed on both wrists and on her neck or wonder how the twists in her hair could intertwine in that fashion.

You also don't have to try and interpret why she looks nice. You'll see about reasons 'The Plain' will dress up, even in a comparable fashion to 'The Vain', but if your eye candy is always ready for a Witch Weekly photo shoot, there is no need to worry about why.

As a side note I would like to say that even though I don't count myself among you 'Vain', I admire the amount of time you're able to put into fashion. I would also like to add that we always like you better when you're down to earth and help those of us a little less 'look-skilled' with what we do.

Since this is a book to help girls as well as the sensitivity-impaired, I would like to note that it is our responsibility as girls to make sure we don't confuse them too much. As someone who has two best guy friends, I would ask that you not set them against each other, as the only person (or people) who have to put up with them are their friends, which can be—and often are—girls.

The Plain

This doesn't imply that the girl you're looking at is ugly or unattractive. In some cases, it might be quite the opposite.

A girl who counts herself among 'The Plain' is what most people would call 'low maintenance'. She may be extremely pretty or absolutely gorgeous for that matter, but decide not to use make up. Can anyone say Veela? This does not mean that she doesn't care about how she looks. In fact, the majority of these girls are well groomed in a way that is efficient and constructive, but to 'The Plain' there are more important things than what their potions partner is wearing at school.

Even so, these girls still like to dress up every now and again. There are several reasons to why they dress up, and it's often important to know why they're doing so.

The most obvious times for these are for a party, dance, or any other social event in which many people will be there for the pure purpose of having fun. Most girls make a special effort to look especially nice on the first day of school, or—later in life—the first day of work or a day where something important is happening.

Girls will also look much nicer when their birthday or an anniversary of some time is coming up. One note: DO NOT ask her if it's her birthday if you suspect this. The following will be an example of how that conversation might go:

Her: Good morning.

You: Hey. You look nice. Is it your birthday?

Her: No… my birthday was six months ago.

You: Oh…

Her: What? I only look nice on my birthday?

You: No… I just meant—

Her: Why don't you remember my birthday anyway? I remember your birthday.

You can let your imaginations finish off that scenario. Even worse if it is her birthday and you don't remember.

If you do forget and aren't sure if that's why Miss Plain is dressed up one Thursday between Valentine's day and Easter break, find some stealthy way to figure it out; for the love of Merlin, don't ask her. To all the girls out there: guys are still going to do it… even though I just warned them not to. They can't help it. I think it's some kind of brain wave that is developed, but I have yet to discover the actual reason they can't use their thoughts to find ways of getting our birth dates—or remembering them, for that matter—instead of inventing new methods of dunking one another's heads in the loo.

When your Plain Jane dresses up for any of these occasions notice! Pay attention! Why does she look good? It's better when you can specify something and sound intellectual saying it. If you can't come up with your own, I will list some below.

That color looks nice on you.
I like your hair up. (Or down) Could you see a guy quoting that when you've curled your hair? The frightening thing is that I can name ten boys in which I see this happening.
That's a nice shirt.

Anything of this sort will give the girl the sort of attention she is seeking and show that you notice her.

Although you won't always have something new to look at with 'The Plain' girl, she won't pull on your heart strings, so long as you give her the attention she deserves. You would think they'd learned this already. All she requests is a bit of attention and the ability to be herself.


No matter which type of girl you seek, there are some simple guidelines to follow to keep on their good sides. Because we can face it… no guy will ever be able to keep his foot entirely out of his mouth.

First of all: never complain about how long it's taking a girl to get ready, especially since most guys won't date a girl that doesn't get dolled up at least on occasion. When a girl wants to feel pretty, she's going to take all the time she needs. Give it to her, or you'll end up paying doubly.

Don't make fun about a girl caring. When a girl says something about breaking a nail, don't go off on how ridiculous it is for her to be upset about it. Think about it from her perception: she's spent a month growing out her nails and trying to keep them nice, just to jam the nail against the breakfast table (which does hurt, by the way) and have to clip them all back, only to be thankful that this time it didn't break so far back that your finger started to bleed.

The last thing that needs to be said again is pay attention. Say something when you see her hair is different. It will be of great help to you if you simply open your mouth to say something nice every so often.

A/N: I thought this might be fun. There probably won't be a story, but if I do a sequel, it'll be the students' reactions to the piece… particularly Ron's reaction. Please Review and tell me what you think.